Some Random Thoughts
Do you ever have those days where the past haunts you? Your brain is on overdrive going through memories, thoughts, feelings. Today has been one of those days for me.
I lost one of my longest friendships recently. She and I had been in our lives since 2008. Most of this impending ending came from a series of unfortunate circumstances and pent-up frustrations from years of mismanagement relationships. Most prominently, an absolute abuse of friendship: “It’s ok because we are best friends,” “Even though I damaged X thing in your house, I figured you would be fine with it since you want to work on some other similar things.”
Honestly, this list just goes on and on. Years and years of poor decisions, lack of self awareness, abuse of friendships, a failing marriage forced to march onward through time. Exhaustion is just the tip of the iceberg.
This is coming out of the blue, but I wanted to finally write down some thoughts and feelings with the hope of feeling a bit better. Today I was reminiscing on a time in my life when I had people I thought were friends. People that used to text and call asking to hang out. People that wanted to include you in weddings, parties, drama, love. All of the things that made up a friendship. I was disillusioned into thinking that we were some type of real life cast of Friends or New Girl, or ‘insert whatever show you want’.
Reflecting on the past, you start to remember those cracks that began to form. Changes that you thought started only a few years into our “friendship,” but were actually there from the beginning. Those calls and texts becoming infrequent. The invites to parties not being received. Ironically, after a certain point, we would only see each other because the above mentioned former best friend would include me in some of the plans.
I would not be directly invited, but instead, I would show up through indirect means. One of the most embarrassing moments for me was seeing a group text and Facebook event invite be sent out with me not included in either one. So what do I do? I send the party planner a text asking if I could bring my then current boyfriend only as a way to force what I thought would either be an invite or for him to finally say that he didn’t want me there. Fortunately for us both, and in my opinion him wanting to avoid conflict, he said it was fine to bring my better half.
Another example that can still set me off if I think about it too much was with the former best friend’s bachelorette party. I was the Man of Honor, so obviously I was charged with planning the bachelorette party. Got the party set and planned a Wizard of Oz theme. Decorations, recipes, etc.The weekend that we were supposed to do it, a hurricane was coming through, so everyone cancelled. The bride didn’t care because she didn’t want a party. She didn’t even want a wedding, but that’s a different story. After the hurricane passes, I text everyone about a make-up weekend, and no 2 people could make it the same weekend because of plans. Again, bride doesn’t care, so I just give up since it seemed like no one else cared enough to try. One of the group “leaders” decides to take it upon herself to throw a party…..…..let’s all guess………a Wizard of Oz themed party……..and act like she’s just the best person and friend this bride has for making it all happen. Very martyrdom to the max. The bride and I see it for what it is. To feed into it, and to prove my point, I tell this friend later that night that I was glad she was able to pull the party together since I dropped the ball. Some other friends are standing around and she eats it up saying something to the effect of “well it didn’t really seem like you tried to do anything, and every bride deserves to have the full experience.” Ok Linda 🙄
Now with all of that being said, in the bigger picture of the friendships, it does make you wonder what happened? Was I getting too drunk for their liking? Even though one of the leaders is basically an alcoholic (or at least during that time was). Was I not “cool” enough? Even though one of the other leaders was accused of being fake. Was it because I refused to take sides in petty arguments over nothing? Ending or losing more friendships than I can count on one hand. Was it because I decided to still be associated with those others that were deemed not worthy enough to be a friend? Even though most people that knew them, including those in that current group, saw the pattern of disposable friends. The revolving door of the disposed and emotionally wounded that would forever be trapped in their thoughts about what happened. Was it maybe because I didn’t want to get involved in some of the weird underlying sexual tension that permeated? Nude swimming, couples hooking up (Yes D&B, we all know about it), the “power coupling.”
I told myself that I would move on and not dwell, but here we are. If I’m honest with myself, I do miss these people, and sometimes I really hate that I do. When I run into them in the wild, I can’t help but smile and say hey. It always hurts afterwards. Can’t be helped. The lonely gay, nerdy, band geek who thought he finally had a genuine group of friends only to have that group slowly ripped away with no explanation. Why wouldn’t it hurt?
So to whoever in the old group that sees this, I am truly sorry for whatever I did to make you want to push me away. I am sorry that you didn’t seem to think my friendship wasn’t worth your time. And also, fuck you for making me feel this way.
I truly hope that one day we can talk and reconcile these feelings. More than anything, I just want to know why and have the closure that myself and several others deserve.
Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. ✌🏻
