I feel I've put this off for far too long. I said some things about it soon after EoT released their dumpster fire of a hit piece about me, but I hadn't really had time to process what actually happened. Edit: note, I am not currently planning on saying much more about this.
Firstly, I need to touch upon a cycle that I go through when I am, for lack of a better term, "in trouble." I am a notorious people pleaser. This goes beyond just acquiescing to what other people want from me. I go into this mental state where I effectively look for reasons to blame myself, where I actively gaslight myself into thinking I am a bad person. This stems from nearly 3 decades of manipulative abuse which started in my formative years. I grew up being told I was someone I was not. Threats of suicide were common in my life, as I was regularly told that my main abuser would commit suicide and that it would be my fault. I always look for ways to blame myself for anything bad that happens. It is only after a given incident has occurred that I am able to start processing what happened, and even then, I still have to battle that natural inclination to take the blame. If ever EoT comes after me again, I will likely be going through that same cycle.
So, let's go back to the incident from October 2021. Did EoT call me a CSA apologist? Yes, they did. Their claim that they did not is entirely based on the idea that they didn't say the exact literal words, "you are a CSA apologist." What they did do, is frame whatever they think I did as being intentional, as can be seen in this quote, "don't you ever pull this shit again." I have talked before about my own history with similar language. For me, it seems very familiar, as it's how my parents talked to me as early aswhen I was 5. But it does carry a direct implication that what I did was something I intended. After that, as we well know, EoT changed the topic from racism to pedophilia. This was done with the clear intent of framing the latter as what I was "defending."
This is despite the fact that what I called out was a deceptively edited clip of Vaush saying that black people were better off in slavery than they were in Africa, a claim vaush had argued against several times. My issues with the clip were made pretty clear. He would be able to use this example of misinformation against his victims and critics, this isn't the type of racism vaush usually engages in, and the ever classic, there's enough to hate him for, we don't need to lie.
After this, Levi claimed, however indirectly, that I think calling out CSA is somehow worse than CSA itself.
This was after EoT called my allyship into question for my meltdown after she demonized me as a CSA apologist. (Edit: having re-read the post in question, she also commented about a post wherein I mentioned a death threat I recieved the week before the incident. I'll state for the record, I'm not defending that post. I should not have made it. However I'd like to point out that this is the kind of thing ethel does regularly.) Like, is it really so hard to believe that I took it that way?
Anyway, bear in mind that by this point, I wasn't cis. I was already identifying as NB online. I am now transfem, and talking with my Dr about HRT.
Let's move on to some of the lies EoT told about me in her video. EoT claimed that I compared what she did to a death threat. That was a lie. What I said was that her coming after me got my mind off a death threat. For context, a friend of mine and I had been mugged the week before EoT came after me, and one of the muggers had threatened to take my head off. Until the incident, I had a lot of trouble keeping my mind off it. I should not have brought it up, however, and I accept some degree of wrongdoing. Doesn't change the fact that EoT has literally done what they claimed I did, though. Considering they compared online harassment to child rape. "If I were forced to choose between being raped as a child and going through what Rachel did to me, I'd choose the rape." Paraphrased from, I believe, her hit piece about Courtney.
Another lie EoT told was in regard to why I showed up at the times I did. I had already explained my coming and going, at least partially, in Essence of Problems. I tried to rejoin her community during one of these self gaslighting episodes I mentioned earlier in this post. I had convinced myself that I was basically evil and that it was time I accepted that I was in the wrong during the incident. I felt that rejoining EoT's community could help me become a better person. I decided to leave after watching her accusation of racism against lily, cause I recognized how trash it was. It took me a while before I could be considered to be of sane mind at that time, as I spent most of that time in the middle of a severe mental health crisis as I tried putting my entire reality back together. I left the situation soon after EoT donated the ad revenue from the victim testimony video. During the time after that, I tried to keep EoT off my mind, although I wasn't entirely successful. I finally came back after Vangelina Skov released her video, "addressing the Allegations." I remember thinking when I saw that, "this shit isn't going to end, is it? EoT is just gonna keep victimizing people." At that point I decided to finally come back and do something about it.
In EoT's hit piece against me, she almost exclusively referred to me as Martin. Now, it is true that I used to use that surname online. I stopped using it, however, soon after I stopped going after her, after the LOrch series ended. The reason being that I was told the name of one of my abusers. While EoT was going after the Lily Critical community, I made a video that I deeply regret, which recounted an event from my early childhood. This one is especially tough to talk about it, because this video was especially manipulative, but also because I was still convinced of the narrative I was given by my primary abuser. Back then, I referred to it as a kidnapping, but today I don't really know what to call it. My primary abuser had beaten me, and put me into the care of her friends. This incident ended with me being taken from her friends by the police, and as I didn't corroborate either of the stories that were given to the police, no one faced any substantial consequences. My primary abuser, however, spent years under investigation after the fact. She also told me throughout my life afterwards that I was kidnapped and beaten by the babysitters. I am honestly ashamed of my belief in that story she gave me. The alleged kidnappers names were Martin and Shelby. EoT most definitely watched that video, and moreover, they were aware that I was no longer using the name Martin by the time they released their hit piece, as the name I was using at the time was signed at the bottom of the email they showed in their video.
EoT knew my name wasn't Martin, and she chose to use that name for me anyway. The only explanation I can come up with for why she did this, is that she wanted to use my kidnappers name against me as a means to maximize the pain she caused.
Another lie she decided to tell about me was that I said I wouldn't leave her alone until I got an apology. I said in my apology video that I don't care about getting an apology anymore. Moreover, what I meant by "this isn't the kind of situation that just goes away," is that I don't think EoT will ever leave me alone. Thankfully, EoT doesn't seem to have gone after me again aside from some vague posts. Someone showed me last year that EoT called me a liar for saying she wouldn't leave me alone. The thing is, precedent is on my side here. EoT has a documented history of going after people for years. Also, I'm not the first person to note having the fear that EoT won't stop going after them.
The final lie I'd like to talk about, although it's not the last lie she ever told about me, is the reason she gave for why I deleted the videos that came before Essence of Problems. She claims it was to make it seem like I had only ever made one video. The thing is, I only ever deleted one of the videos, and I had good reasons for unlisting and deleting those previous videos. I unlisted the first one due to factual errors (imagine that, unlisting a video after spotting errors). The second one, I deleted because on closer inspection, I realized I had jumped the gun on publicly accusing EoT of sexual harassment. It is worth mentioning that it was the second time I had accused them of such, as I noted that EoT misrepresentation of the post shown below was sexual harassment. Yes, accusing someone of soliciting nudes when your proof shows the subject of the accusation seemed to be complaining about unsolicited nudes is sexual harassment. The reason I never rehashed that accusation is because I felt that doing so would harm the discourse surrounding lily. After all, the accusation EoT made was technically true, as lily did have a history of soliciting lewd messages and nudes from fans. She just didn't have any evidence to support that claim. That being said, I do not feel comfortable continuing to make that accusation due to the complexity of the situation.
The third video was unlisted because when I calmed down after posting it, I realized how gross and manipulative it was. I literally tried to weaponize my childhood trauma against EoT.
Speaking of this above screenshot, can I also quickly talk about EoT going after Britt? So EoT decided to go after Britt cause Britt was critical of them going after Vangelina Skov. One thing I will say in support of EoT here, is that Britt's claim that EoT stole their screenshots from the lily critical community isn't true. I wholeheartedly believe that EoT gathered their screenshots on their own. That is, after all, what the evidence shows.
Britt joined in on EoT's LOrch project to provide them with resources that they likely wouldn't have been able to gather on their own. The screenshot shown above would never have been used by EoT if they had access to better proof of their claims. If they had access to the materials that had already been gathered by the lily Critical community, they would have also used it while discussing Mackenzie's testimony, as there are a metric shit ton of screenshots of the anon tumblr sexting that they talked about.
EoT was given these resources, ignored them, and continued doing their own independent investigation. This can be seen by EoT bringing up information only to be told that the lily critical community has known about it for years. EoT then freaked out on Britt for the lily critical community passing around the documents but no one using them. Like, they gave you these documents. You didn't use them. You don't get to blame them for you not doing anything with the information they gave you.
