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80's songs usually take two paths:

"Jessica! You make me such a mess-ica! I love it when you undress-ica! Jessica!"

Thank you unnamed woman for the sex, but I am a lone wolf. The mountains call me to feel the snag of pine needles on my fur, to hear the hiss of the roaring waterfall. My ears are mighty and tall, able to hear a mouse scuttle through the morning dew. But they are deaf to your pleas. I cannot stay. No woman can tame me. No amount of tears and begging can stop my paws from bounding up the grassy knolls, destined for better things. It is wrong for you to hold me down, to throw me in a cage. Because I am a wolf. A lone wolf. I must be alone."

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Edgy/emo types have always had a chokehold on me. Broody, moody, sad, quiet, mysterious, etc. I know it's bad to have a strict type or whatever, but seriously. Any date I went on, if they didn't meet a few of the following criteria: black hair, dark eyes, quiet, mysterious, shy, awkward, misunderstood, and so on, I was not interested.

And since this has been such a major factor throughout my life, I decided to see if I could find where it all began. Surely, it had to be someone intriguing; bold, powerful; influential enough to shape the mold of my preteen heart. So I searched, long and hard, through the depths of every movie, show, game, or any piece of media I engaged with as a child.

When I finally found it, I screamed, fingers trembling as they hovered above my keys. There, staring back at me from a cold, glowing rectangle, was none other than Jojo from Horton Hears a Who.

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every insurance commercial since 2009:

"Bundle your binge with us when you bundle home and auto! Bundle and save when you binge your bundle!"

@statefarmgoodneighbors

@progressive

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private equideeznuts

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Did anyone else feel like the Iron Lung theater experience had pre 2016 energy? Everyone was so happy and in such good spirits, complimenting each other and making small talk. A group of girls at the other end of the theater served as our own personal laugh track. It was great. Things just felt okay again, for a little while.

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I crashed on the couch after a long day, and my partner said that at one point I woke up, turned to him and said:

"You know those ai bands on Spotify? They should have one called Six Finger Death Punch."

and fell back asleep. I don't doubt it, because I've been known to have full on conversations with people while asleep that I don't remember the next day.

One time my sister "borrowed" $40 from me without my knowledge. I woke up with my purse next to me the next morning, unzipped, and asked her about it. She said that when she asked me for that amount the night before, I asked for my purse, counted out the money and handed it to her. I did not remember it at all. I'm convinced that I'm possessed by someone much funnier and more generous than me, that only comes out when I'm asleep

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I made this my pen name as a joke after suffering yet another depressive episode during the 3rd complete rewrite of my sci-fi novel and it worked surprisingly well.

I lose my shit every time I scroll to the top, no matter how many times I see it. It isn't even that funny, but the small joys are what keep me going.

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I applied at two different CVS store locations and received two of this exact same email "the business area has decided not to fill this role at this time and the position has been closed"

And yet, IMMEDIATELY after I received these emails, this job listing was posted. Ghost jobs are real and they suck. I hate you CVS. More like CBS. I wasted an HOUR of my time applying to these positions and taking your bitch ass retail test only to be told "teehee oopsie we decided not to fill dis wole" HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY POST A JOB LISTING TWICE YOU GARBAGE HEAP OF A COMPANY

The only good thing about it was that they sent me a survey afterward and you better BELIEVE I took that survey. I will carry this hatred to my grave.

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just saw this gem on Reddit:

man: why don’t women like me?

women: consider being likable

man: it’s because of the way I look, isn’t it?

women: consider listening

man: it’s because of the way I look, isn’t it?

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There's no denying things are bad right now, but personally my depression has a tipping point. I get tired of being sad, and I just go numb to the pain. I realize that sitting around and being sad doesn't change anything, and right now the world needs change. It needs happiness, humor, love. You have all of those things inside you, don't let the light go out. People still need hope and kindness. It's easy to form a callous on your heart when the world beats you down, but callouses not only help prevent you from feeling pain - they prevent you from feeling anything at all. Don't give in, yall. Spread love, and be a light to others in this darkness.

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liking a politician is like thinking the used car salesman is your friend

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we should make a list in descending order of all the songs with the sickest intros followed by the most underwhelming lyrics imaginable.

I'll start:

1.) "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve

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I wish introverted friendships weren't so hard.

to my outdoorsy friend who now lives in Colorado: I love you, I miss you, but I don't know how to tell you that because you only like talking over phone and not text, and talking on the phone makes me physically sick. I didn't realize how much of our friendship centered around my extroverted sister who was the glue that kept us all together, and how we drifted apart shortly before you moved away - and only because I didn't know how to keep a conversation going without her help. I would love to go caving again at Petty John's, or camp out in the wilderness near the Georgia state line. Remember the time we were yelled at by some gun-wielding rednecks, or the time we rescued those teenage boys who were stuck in a cavern at Tumbling Rock? How they shared campfire songs with us out in that frigid cricket concert hall? Spending time in nature took nothing from me, since nature speaks without words. Without nature as the bridge between us, I don't know what to say, but I wish I had spent more time with you before you were gone.

to my extroverted sister: I love you, I miss you. Even though you're still a presence in my life, you are busy with work and your new family. I'm so happy for you, but I don't know how to tell you that when I'm depressed since it feels so insincere. I can't force a smile when I feel like this, so instead I just keep away. I didn't realize just how much of my personality was built around you, and when you became busy with other things, I fell apart. I didn't realize how many of my friendships grew from seeds that you planted, and how I couldn't tend the garden without your help. Weeds only grow there now, and the beautiful flowers have all faded away. I wish I spent more time with you.

to my best college buddy who moved to New Jersey and has a wife and kid now a world away: I love you, I miss you. Though we still keep up through sending each other silly memes, it doesn't fill the void of what our relationship used to be like. You were the first real friend I made without my sister's help, and you showed me that I'm not as detestable as I always thought I was. Remember when you helped me pass my final when my obsessive compulsions were keeping me from finishing my film photo project? You taught me how to optimize an assembly line in my head, and stop focusing on the tiny things that didn't matter. I told you how much it meant to me, but I don't think you realized the magnitude of your influence. I wish I had spent more time with you before you were gone.

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despite all my rage I am still just a harmless pushover

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it sucks being a lib in the south. if you express any kind of alternate opinion to traditional MAGA beliefs, you're expected to present a friggin powerpoint explanation of everything you think and why. You're put under an immediate spotlight right then and there, and all eyes turn to you with glares of hatred. Whereas if you vomit out some trash you heard on News Max, everyone takes it at face value.

I don't know about you, but I'm not good at explaining why I think things. I sort of shut down and forget everything if someone asks me to elaborate. As such, everyone in my family thinks I'm a gullible idiot who went away to art school and "came back a lib."

I admit I used to fall for the right wing propaganda as a kid because it was literally all I had ever known, but my world view was slowly shattered throughout grade school, when I finally had access to people who helped me see the other side of things (i.e. they didn't kiss the ground George Bush walked on and didn't wish death on Obama).

It wasn't until I went away to art school that I was actually brave enough to admit that I had changed, but it sucks having your entire family think "you're not as good as you used to be" just because the "you" they used to know was a scared, intimidated kid who tried desperately to fit in in any way possible, even if that meant nodding along to things that you had a bad gut feeling about.

What I learned from it all is this: just because someone is good at arguing doesn't mean they're right, it just means they've had more practice. And that's nothing to be proud of.

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stories from the wrap shop pt. 2

while working at the vinyl wrap shop, I also learned that any customer who requested a "pop of color" in their design would undoubtedly turn out to be a huge pain in the ass

and it happened so often that it became a named phenomenon in the shop. We called it "happy orange" because one of my customers spent literal months going back and forth between three shades of orange, finally settling on one because it was "happy" enough.

unrelated, but that same customer approached me while I was eating lunch in my car in the work parking lot to discuss more changes to her design while I had a mouth half full of sandwich

that customer was probably the main reason behind the mental breakdown that eventually led me to quit

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I used to work at a car wrap shop and I hated everything about it, but one time while cleaning the wrap room I was at an all-time low so I put on a two hour loop of Biggie Cheese singing Mr. Boombastic. I quit later that same month after a mental breakdown but it was in no way related to the Biggie Cheese incident.