SEASKIESMOONSSTARS

NO STANDING ZONE.

[seaskystars]

Kv

I am unlovable. all too often my chest And the floor seem to meet. They chat about the unease of Wanting to be wanted. The unease of knowing you can’t be All three. I’m reluctant to put myself out there. To feel exposed. But I detach and run when things tend to matter. I’m never going to let that happen again. Today I learned a big lesson. Ask quickly. Move swiftly. protect your heart goddamitt. SF

[seaskystars]

WB

I wake up far too late.. Mid delusion. I've been split open You've already poured yourself into me. Making a home within my bones. Keeping space within my chest. But really, I fell into you. You enveloped me. Drowning me in your presence. There was that one day when-- I almost let it slip. That one day where I almost told you what you meant to me. How could you mean so much so soon? I miss you even when I'm with you. -sf

[seaskystars]

There is a vacancy.

I get scared that I am un-loveable

incapable of receiving genuine

affection

I desperately want the world to open

under me and sink me into

reciprocation.

-sf

[seaskystars]

A year ago today

I was so nervous to meet you. I gave myself a pep talk. Smoked a spliff and realized I was now verging on being late. It wasn’t until I was walking through the door that it dawned on me that I’d forgotten a little what you looked like. A year ago today, I smiled and walked straight towards you. Nervous, a little stoned and more than anxious. We hugged said our hellos. You were cuter than I remembered. A year ago today, we sat in a booth and chatted. Drank a few— maybe more than we could manage. A year ago today, I said something funny? Maybe it wasn’t but you laughed and rested your hand on my thigh for just a split second. BOOM. Everything stopped. You supplied me with electricity with just this one touch. I was awake. I was aware. I was invigorated. Everything exploded and I was done. Everything changed when I felt my breath get caught in my chest. You got me. I mean you had me at that moment. A year ago today, I still chase that. Not you but the feeling that brought my stomach to my knees and kicked me in the chest.

I just hope you won’t be the last person to make me feel that way.

Was it love or lust?

A year ago today, Some hours later. A game of bowling, a shot of whiskey and a venue change soon after. 

You looked me in the eyes and told me I was beautiful. You walked me to my car and I offered to drive you to yours. 

We stepped into my car and it was like we'd always been attached at the lips. That maybe we were always attached the lips.

A year ago today,

I drove home in silence. You rendered me speechless and weightless and completely through me for a loop. I wanted nothing but to see you again as fast as I could. 

Today,

Sometimes my mind flutters to you. My heart jumps and i think about this first night-- the day i met you.

But mostly i think about how confusing it is to remember something so vividly to have it affect your insides this much a year later..

But nothing came of it at all...

-sf

[seaskystars]

Sleep deprived--love induced coma

Close your eyes.

Imagine my fairytale world.

Hey guy, I’m your girl.

Sit.

Listen to my wishes.

We like to lay in the park

and listen to the pixies.

Whispering non-sequiters.

Telling stories about love

and religion.

Never hide. Oh no no no.

Don’t hide those eyes,

I’m still searching for a home in them.

Listen up now.

Welcome to my round world again.

[seaskystars]

Sky Experimentation

I forgot my parachute.

Right as my toes brush the surface of the world,

I tug on my imaginary zipper and fall onto a bed of grass.

Facing the sky, I watch a million sparks light up the night.

The sparks double as stars

and I begin to count every one as my lucky one.

Pink, red , yellow, and purple splashes

Littered across the sky.

They’re closer than wishes but look like meteors.

Standing in amazement .

A solitary moment of realness.

An experimentation of imagination.

For what it’s worth

Falling asleep —

I hope I remember to bring my parachute next time.

They tell me

The view is always better from the top.

[seaskystars]

Graduation

It was a rush of emotion.

One for the books. 

Light hearted,

but with a 

lingering feeling of bricks in your stomach.

A look from your mothers eyes that says everything. 

"I love you— I miss you already."

That look from your brave, imaginative father that says

"I’m so proud of you— I miss you already."

All in these final moments before they drive away 

after giving you life and love and happiness

they leave you with their final gift—-

your independence.

[seaskystars]

Last night

Last night I dreamt of the conversation we could have had. Y’know, the one where we cursed the world and discussed how it turned.

Last night I dreamt of the conversation we could have had. The one where we touched on the meaning of the universe and what it meant to be human.

Last night, right before I closed my eyes—- I wished that some day soon, we’d sit face to face and address what it meant to be alive.

And when I start to understand, the "us", the inevitable space between our “we” is closed and I feel it when our eyes meet.

What have we become?

Where have we left off?

And through my shut lids—-Oh!

We’re something

to see.

[seaskystars]

To be young and vulnerable

Uncomfortable.

To be open. 

Unprepared to share your

insides with the world. 

To be exposed.

The deepest secrets hide

past your soul and next to your

subconscious.

To be scared.

You’ve barely traveled past your

head— you haven’t even made it to your heart. 

To be simple. 

You’ve avoided this. 

A yard stick away is always the safest.

-sf

[seaskystars]

Welcome

The lonely hearts club consists of Everyone. The common denominator  Being love. Chaos and inconsistency; Grow like weeds from our Apathy towards one another. We see the ignored, The heartbroken, Our exuberance is wasted on stating that we’re young and in love. When in reality it is lust and a lack of trust that drives our relationships to false starts. We play games of make believe, Wishing on stars and numbers that lack stability. Our dreams… Although vivid, fall short. Where is the honesty? What happened to reality?

-SF

[nowinexile]

The last words said by Black youth murdered by policemen.

[seaskystars]

Real pain.

[seaskystars]

Today was the hardest day of my life.... But I survived.

SF

[seaskystars]

That was yesterday

Against my wishes I begin to fall.

Exposing the edges of my heart.

You peer in.. Is it dark and lonely like I thought it’d be?

Or is shiny & new… perfectly put together, because I’ve never let anyone in?

For so long, I’ve kept it together. Never leading with it.

Fighting—- no biting back my secrets.

Am I ready to show you my weakness.

Love.

If I let you in will you let me down? Will you walk away and not look back?

I’m damaged goods.

Years of hiding have left me agoraphobic.

I’m consistently—- constantly in my own head.

Dreaming, scheming, being elusive.

Exclusive:

And then I see you walking towards me.

The world turns upside down.

Then right side up.

My hands sweat.

The sun comes out and kisses me on the neck.

And then like a flash of light—- My heart jumps out of my chest.

And explodes into the sky.

I come back to earth.

Senseless.

-SF

[seaskystars]

Pink Tafetta

Choice.

Mistake.

          The departed.

Heavy hearted.

          The decisions.

The misconceptions.

          The reasons.

The means to believing.

          The words I am pleading

-SF

[seaskystars]

We never had it at all.

It isn't 3 words, (I love you). It isn't two, (I care). And it isn't about, (You). It's about the mold I-- (Tried to force you into). And the expectations, (You failed). Because you didn't know, (I had put them there). The fun stopped. And just like that, We both, (Lost).

[seaskystars]

Close your eyes Stand at the edge of your bed Be thankful Today You are alive You are whole You are being And that is enough For celebration.

-SF

[seaskystars]

There you have it.

But what else do I have to give?

My soul?

Who even has one of those anymore?

What you ask of me is unfair.

Do I need to give you my heart to let you know I love?

I could show you the pages of my journal and define

myself as an escapist but does it matter?

Am I giving you enough of nothing but everything?

I AM THE GREAT PRETENDER.

My transparency is fake and is made of metal.

It serves its purpose to fool those who inquire,

by shielding my rotten center.

I am jaded, forgotten, misguided, and broken.

and I havent loved once.

Happy now?

-SF