conversion journal

Ren, 23, they/he. disabled, queer, and tired.

[seekinghashem]

My name is Ren, and this is the place I am collecting my thoughts, study, questions, and discussions about Judaism as a potential convert.  I am an ex-Catholic, ex-Laveyan Satanist, ex-pagan, and current tertiary member of The Satanic Temple.  My spiritual journey has been a complicated mess, and since I had the honor of participating in a going to water ceremony for a close friend, I have been rethinking my thoughts and feelings on the universe and my place in it.  Over and over, Judaism has appeared to me, through random encounters and discussions with friends and strangers, and I’ve finally decided that I desperately need to know why.  So I’ve started this blog, as a way to keep all of my thoughts in one place as I study, learn, and try to discover just what is going on in my life.

I am dynamically disabled, trans, and very queer.  I do not tolerate drama, and I vet the people who follow me closely. 

DNI: TERFs/TEHMs/SWERFs, anti-porn/anti-kink folks, radfems, queer exclusionists of any kind (including mspec lesbian/gay and ace/arospec exclusionists), “gender critical” people, MAP/NOMAPs, Christians (unless relevant to a discussion)

Tags: 

#ren reads - readings and book reviews

#ren rambles - musings

#what about... - questions

#ren rants - politics

#pretty pictures and silly sounds - media, including music, photos, and videos

#meatspace - experiences in my real life, the community, and the synagogue

#ren remembers - history

#bodies - disability, gender, and sexuality

(Sideblog - follows from blog starting and ending with N)

[aridante]

“There’s an old Jewish story that says in the beginning, God was everywhere and everything. A totality. But to make creation, God had to remove Himself from some part of the universe, so something besides Himself could exist. So He breathed in, and in the places where God withdrew, there creation exists. “So God just leaves?” No. He watches. He rejoices. He weeps. He observes the moral drama of human life and gives meaning to it by caring passionately about us, and remembering. Matthew ten, verse twenty-nine: Not one sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. But the sparrow still falls.”

— Mary Doria Russell, The Sparrow

[starlightomatic]

From Hollander-Waas Jewish Heritage Services: Today is International Holocaust Remembrance Day. We gather to mourn the 6 million Jews, 500,000 Romani, and countless others who were murdered for who they were, along with victims of all other genocides both past and present. The long term genealogical ramifications of genocide are hard to imagine. In this infographic prepared by co-founder Caitlin Hollander, you can see just how significant the scale of loss truly is for the Jewish community long-term.

[historicity-was-already-taken]

Tennessee school board bans Holocaust graphic novel 'Maus' – author Art Spiegelman condemns the move as 'Orwellian'

'Maus' author Art Spiegelman spoke to CNBC after a school board in Tennessee voted to ban his landmark graphic novel about the Nazis' persec

happy holocaust remembrance day.

[jewish-tutter]

i saw a man who enveloped his kids in his tallit today and i almost actually cried it was like this

[wherehavalltheflowersgone]

From Facebook “‘it means strength just like my name’ we didn’t have the heart to tell him”

[shiraglassman]

this is why you don’t…

omg

[littlegoythings]

HaShem is testing me

[carrionbeast]

[centralkvetchmonolith]

For Jews who don’t read Hebrew: this (presumably) goy got a tattoo that says “matzoh”, which is basically payback for trying to get a “deep” tattoo in a language that isn’t yours

[roddaprime]

Are you telling me this asshole got “ Bread” tattooed to his arm

thats amazing 

[nativepeopleproblems]

not even just bread, the blandest, dryest crackerlike bread the world has to offer (I happen to be rather fond of it) but essentially he got “cracker” tattooed on his arm and that’s beautiful.

[jewish-tutter]

i love this

[hatikvax-deactivated20210307]

I’m-

[magnetothemagnificent]

Ahahahahahaaaaa this is too good

[b1rdonawire]

if u want u can help preserve the memory of a shtetl (european towns with large jewish populations that were almost all destroyed in the holocaust) by donating to fund the translations of yizkor books

[b1rdonawire]

as holocaust remembrance day is later this week, january 27th, you can also donate to the european jewish cemeteries initiative, which does incredibly important work in preserving jewish memory in europe and protecting the remnants of centuries of jewish life from desecration. 

[iliveinprocrasti-nation]

quick reminder for y’all that today, international holocaust remembrance day, celebrates the auschwitz liberation and is different from yom hashoah (holocaust memorial day)

[maxximoffed]

Marvel Comics #1000: We’re Calling Him Ben

[sulemania]

I feel this is an important addition. He saves so many people on a regular basis that this just keeps happening. And he feels so much for his uncle that the answer is always the same.

[drek-odradek-deactivated2022031]

…. This hits different when you realise he’s canonically Jewish

[marvel-and-dc-geek]

Can you please elaborate ? I’m curious as to what it means

[drek-odradek-deactivated2022031]

You can read a pretty good summary of it here, but as (most likely) Ashkenazi Jews, PP probably follows the minhag (custom) that says “that by naming a newborn child after a deceased loved one, the soul lives on through the child.” (Quoted from the site linked above.) And given how his Uncle Ben died, it just makes it all the more sadder tbh.

[roach-works]

another fine distinction is that the soul isn’t thought to be reincarnated, it’s that the memory of the loved one is kept alive and more good deeds in life can be inspired by (and thus partially attributed to) the dead. ‘may their memory be a blessing’–the memory of the deceased is honored, respected, and who they were is retold as inspiration to the next generation. 

ben’s memory is a blessing. that’s extremely jewish. spiderman is inspired not just by the shame of his death, but by the moral teachings he’d given peter in life. and his name given to these babies is another part of it: babies named in spiderman’s honor are also very honestly and truly named in his honor, and continue to be blessings to the world. 

it’s very joyous, i think. very sweet.  

[knitmeapony]

I swear to God I get happy tears every time I see these panels, and the commentary makes it even better

[sch-uwu-lchen]

I didn't think it was appropriate for me to add on to the post seeing as I'm not Jewish but I was thinking about the why non Jewish people don't talk about antisemitism and I was thinking there's probably a bit of ignorance is bliss thing going on. Until I started following Jewish people online I realised Judaism was the faith I knew least about and, cause I don't know anyone in real life, I don't hear about antisemitism on a local level. I went to a catholic primary and generally it was pretty good at teaching about other religions. It never said these are wrong or not real and we'd do assemblies for the start of Ramadan or Diwali etc but I realised the only big religion we never covered was Judaism. The only time Jews were mentioned was when talking about WW2 and even then they focused more on how the war affected us at home rather than the Holocaust. It almost feels like Christian cultures deliberately foster this ignorance which is a form of antisemitism itself and helps create this atmosphere where non Jews think "well I haven't heard any antisemitism so it mustn't be a problem. A big attack like this is a one off so we won't look at what gave rise to his beliefs in the first place" (sorry this was longer than I intended)

i think you make a fair point about xtians intentionally fostering ignorance in their communities. i would however caveat that with a few things. firstly, that judaism isn't actually a 'big' religion; jews make up .19% of the global population. we're one of the smallest religions actually (but i do pick up on the fact that you're acknowledging judaism as having some global significance/legacy beyond our current numbers, being considered the progenitor of the abrahamic religions). secondly, it's important to recognize that what happened in colleyville wasn't a one-off actually. that's what xtians and the press might make it out to seem like, so that they can more easily look away and not address the underlying issues. but make no mistake, armed attacks on synagogues happen quite frequently around the world, and other forms of antisemitic violence (harrassment, vandalism, beatings, arson, trashing our cemeteries and community spaces, desecrating ritual objects, disparaging us publicly, all sorts of forms of violence...) rages daily both within and outside the united states.

so that being said, i kind of feel like if you don't see antisemitism around you, you're not paying attention. while xtians might go out of their way to stay oblivious to antisemitism, claiming ignorance at this point falls a little flat. it's more likely you just don't care, because it's really all around us all the time.

(i hope it's clear i'm using the proverbial 'you' and not singling you out specifically. i don't think you're trying to say that, just passing on your experiential insight. it's just, when that is invoked by people it sounds a little bit like saying wait whaaaat??? racism is still a thing? if you get me)

[tikkunolamorgtfo]

so it seems a bipartisan Congressional Caucus for Torah Values was formed, the catch? none of the members (Don Bacon, Henry Cuellar, Kat Cammack, Dan Meuser, Brian Fitzpatrick) are Jewish.... wtf?

Whoa, yeah, that sounds ... suspiciously Christian.

[the-library-alcove]

Ah, yes, their "Judeo-Christian values"... all Christians trying to claim the Jewish stamp of approval.

[oy-to-the-world]

[neta-ilan]

“A Blessing Before Putting Up a Queer Bumper Sticker, Flag, Poster, or Other Symbol of Queer Visibility

Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha’olam asher natan lanu hizdamnut k’doshah likbo’a simlei nir’ut k’virit.

Blessed are You, Adonai our God, Power of the universe, who has given us a sacred opportunity to affix symbols of queer visibility.

– by Rabbi Ahuva Zaches, 2019″

From Mishkan Ga’avah Where Pride Dwells: A Celebration of LGBTQ Jewish Life and Ritual, edited by Rabbi Denise L. Eger

[yidquotes]

First, we have to understand that in Judaism we do not pray. Prayer is an English word. What Jews do is l’hispallel.

L’hispallel is a unique experience, but as with most Jewish things today, this holy word has been changed into an English word with a western connotation. The word “prayer” actually comes from the Latin word meaning “to beg” — exactly what most people feel prayer is. They imagine a big king in the sky who is getting a big ego boost from watching his subjects beg. This is a terrible image of our selves and of G-d.

L’hispallel has nothing to do with begging G-d to change His mind. L’hitpallel is a reflexive verb and it means to do something to your self, not to G-d. When you are praying, your question should not be, “Is G-d listening to my prayers?” For sure he is. What you should really ask yourself is, “Am I listening to my prayers? Does what I say impact me? Have I changed?” - Rabbi David Aaron

[jacobandtheangel]

any other jew feel the need to not talk about being jewish, especially the religious side, with your goysiche friends because you’re worried they’ll find it annoying? 🧍🏻

[seekinghashem]

I'm just a prospective convert, but so many of my friends have had such awful experiences with xtianity that any talk of religion makes them super uncomfortable. It's hard to talk about returning to religion with them

[aangelbrains]

The difference between Satan, Devil and Lucifer

In current times, Lucifer, the devil and satan are all seen as the same being, sometimes even roping Baphomet in. However who truly is satan? Or what?

Many ideas we have of the devil come from both noncanonical books and media presentations of the being.

Satan: The Abrahamic antithesis of good, first referenced in the Hebrew bible as Yetzer Hara or evil inclination. Within the Taknuh, Satan is seen as a more metaphorical, evil in form of personification, with the name ha-satan translating to the adversary or the accuser, known to reference both human and supernatural forces opposing to man. In the Christian new testament of God, Satan, or the original translation being “Satanas” is a far more literal figure, tempting jesus in the desert, and is described as "the ruler of the demons" (Matthew 12:24), "the evil one" (1 John 5:18) etc and is placed in contrast once again to the Lord.

“Then saith Jesus unto him, Get thee hence,

Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the

Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve.” Mathew 4:10

Again he is translated to be more metaphorical, occasionally, dependant on the interpretation.

Lucifer: Named after most relation of venus, also being translated as the morning star in the bible during king James’s translation, originally related to satan in a book called paradise lost. Originally it is possible Lucifer or the falling star of Venus was related to the fall of satan. as the book of Isaiah ok of Isaiah 14:12: "How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! How art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations." with luke 10 "I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven". This possibly was because of the capitalization of Lucifer. The word Lucifer came from the translation of “Helel” within the Hebrew texts to the Latin lucifer.

In Roman mythology, Lucifer was the son of Aurora, the goddess of dawn. He was depicted as a man with a torch and was often presented in poetry as the one who heralded the Dawn.

Devil: The name Devil comes from the greek diábolos, the deceiver or the slanderer, roughly brought into common use around the middle ages and is used as well as Lucifer and Satan in the everyday.

Beezlebub: Beezlebub was originally a philistine God, an area on the south coast of Canaan. His name is associated with the Canaanite a God Bal, also known as owner or lord, with Ba‘al Zebûb translating to the lord of the files. They have been adopted into the Abhramic religions as a major Devil or demon, possibly in ways of demonizing the Canaanite religion

[seekinghashem]

According to the JPS, that section of Isaiah was actually attributed to Nebuchadnezzar for his actions, not a separate entity or expression of evil. The name Lucifer doesn't actually appear in the Tanakh - it's a Xtian name.

12How art thou fallen from heaven,

O day-star, son of the morning!

How art thou cut down to the ground,

That didst cast lots over the nations!

13And thou saidst in thy heart:

‘I will ascend into heaven,

Above the stars of God Will I exalt my throne,

And I will sit upon the mount of meeting,

In the uttermost parts of the north;

14I will ascend above the heights of the clouds;

I will be like the Most High.’

15Yet thou shalt be brought down to the nether-world,

To the uttermost parts of the pit.

Basically - you think you're better than G-d, pompous king? Let you be brought down.

[girlactionfigure]

“Tomorrow is Tu B’Shvat is the new year for trees, celebrated according to the Hebrew calendar, on the 15th of the month of Shvat. This is the new year for the purpose of calculating the age of trees for tithing (See Lev. 19:23-25, which states that fruit from trees may not be eaten during the first three years; the fourth year’s fruit is for God, and after that, you can eat the fruit). It is customary to celebrate the holiday by eating fruit from Israel, particularly a new fruit or one of the Seven Species described in the Bible as being abundant in the land of Israel: wheat, barley, grapes (vines), figs, pomegranates, olives and dates (honey) (Deut. 8:8). Many people mistakenly think that Tu B’Shvat is a holiday for eating DRIED fruit and nuts and end up eating produce from places like Turkey. This is a habit born from living in EXILE. Jews in exile yearned for Zion, “the sun-drenched land.” Its fruits became something almost mythological. If someone managed to bring them fruits of the Land, it was like receiving a small miracle, something rare and very precious. Of course, fruits couldn’t stay fresh on such a long trip. Dates, for example, could be brought from the far away land to the people in exile. I have heard Jews from the ex-Soviet Union describe their parents giving them pieces of an orange from Israel like being granted slices of the sun, plucked out of the heavens, its juice exploding in their mouth… Today, unfortunately, many Jews take for granted the fruits of the Land. Not realizing what it means to yearn for centuries. What it means to finally attain the unattainable – or how easy it is to lose it.”

— Forest Rain Marcia

[seekinghashem]

Last Shabbat, my Rabbi talked about a decision made by the local education system to force teachers to "remain neutral" when discussing fascism, nazism, and marxism. He used an analogy about pareve, and how there is no neutrality when it comes to fascism. I had a long, painful conversation with my good friend, who is a middle school teacher, where we both talked about the ramifications of this and the weak smokescreen this is to cover the rise of fascism in the United States. It's a dangerous time to be seeking a place at Sinai, and I'm more than a little scared to discuss my journey with my family and friends. Only my household and my doctors know, and keeping something so personal and transformational a secret feels as suffocating as keeping myself in the closet. Every time I attend Shabbat, pick up my Torah, or receive an email from my Rabbi, I get a surge of anxiety - like I'm going to be caught and punished.

I refuse to let this fear rule me.

I have been persecuted for so many things in my life. My gender, my sexuality, my disability, my mental illnesses, and yes, my religion. None of these discriminations or cruelties has stopped me from seeking the truth in myself and I refuse to let this be the one that does. If this puts me in danger, well. Is there anything more Jewish than fighting for your faith?