Senka's Fetishes

a slave married to my Master for 6 years, belonging to him for a few months. a nsfw/18+ blog detailing things I find personally enjoyable, arousing, beautiful, or too shy to admit to. mostly a place for my Master to peruse on his downtime

[boredpanda]

Curvy Disney Pinups By Ashley Beevers

[nosleeptillbucky]

THESE ARE SO CUTE.

[sanguinered-deactivated20170527]

[claimedjane]

Wednesday Wisdom

[senkasfetishes]

Why my Master is a Saint

Me: who run the world? I DO. I get shit done, I battle, I win. I am a god damn lionness.

Also me: *is literally overwhelmed that I have to breathe by myself*

[kelsey-michelle]

Hybrid #1

My self-portraits explore my feeling that my body is too much; taking up too much space, too big to be attractive. For years I suffered from an eating disorder, obsessed with losing weight. Now in my photographs, I am reclaiming my body by taking up space in the frame. I felt locked in the cage that was my body. In my photographs the cage is represented by the edges of the frame and I am breaking out of it. I show my body stretching to the corners of the photograph, not letting myself crumple and submit to the passive female form.

Kelsey Sachs, 2015

[senkasfetishes]

Sometimes I get angry... Angry that I don't look the way that I want to (yet). Angry that I don't have what someone else has, angry that somehow they deserve it yet I don't. Angry that I can't do something I want to do. Angry that my body still manages to fail me when I've been working so hard on it. Angry that it has taken us this long to enact something that has made both our souls take flight. Angry that maybe it has made us miss opportunities that we'll never get back. Angry that I finally feel like I know what I want, and yet I don't think it will ever happen. Angry that I was ever the person I used to be. That I wasted so much time being weak and pathetic and not the strong inner shit kicker I've found now. Angry when I can't buy what I want, when I want. I rarely get denied anything I want, but I often am told not right now. And I just want to kick my stupid little feet like a child when I hear those words. Angry when I have to be an adult and lead the life I wanted, still want. But angry that maybe some other way could be satisfying some other way too. Angry that I don't get to live in the fantasy all the time and I have to be a *gasp* grown ass woman for what is realistically considered a majority of the time. Angry at myself for feeling so greedy. When I've gotten so much satisfaction that I never even dreamed of a year ago, and yet, I feel sometimes like Veruca Salt and that it's never good enough. Angry that I'm not her, or her. Or her either. But... I've learned it's ok. It's ok to have negative feelings. It's ok to be human and to feel unhappy. 98% of my time I am blissful. Sickeningly so. I love my life, my Master, myself. And I've only learned that last one in the last 6 months. I have so much. So much that I've learned, and earned, and grown, and taken for myself. I'm only human. I can't ever change that. No matter how much better I get, I will always want to be betterer. I know that about myself, and I've learned to accept it and work with it. Turn it (mostly) constructive. It still takes hold as anger and upset. I will never not have that in my life. But I am grateful that I know how to love through it, how to move on and up. How to use it for me, because I no longer have things done to me. I am in control through my submission. In slavery, I am free.

[wynspers]

Surrender

To give myself to him, I had to surrender. 

I surrendered my fears, doubts and past heartache. I dredged up all of my past pain, I dug deep to find the cornerstones of my barriers and brought them from the safety of their deep, dark and hidden corners right to the surface. I allowed them to tear through me once again and had to allow myself to surrender to the pain that brought, so that they may be let go, so that they could no longer hinder what I was able to achieve and what I was able to offer. 

I surrendered my precariously contrived pride and dignity and sense of shame. I surrendered to once again feeling small, and helpless and undignified.

I withdrew into my depravity and my shame to break the chains of the beasts I kept locked within, I surrendered to my shame, and my guilt and I watched all I had kept away tear through my fragile facade to snarl at my dignity, poise and grace with barred and gnashing jowls. 

I surrendered the familiar, the known, the acceptable and the safe. 

I surrendered all I was and all I knew so that I could learn who I was when I was no longer bound by the wounds of my past. 

And when all was said and done, when I unravelled the threads of my old securities I held them to him with an apology - without the barriers and the carefully constructed facade I had revealed myself to be a dark, depraved and confusing mess of different things I hadn’t the ability to understand or accept.

I looked at him then, my hands filled with heartache, pain and the broken pieces of the walls I had previously so carefully constructed around myself.I looked to him, having surrendered everything that came before, the demons, devils and beasts from deep within seeming to dance around me as shadows taunt and dwarf a body in the flickering light of a campfire, and I confessed to him then:

“I am not sure I can tame them again, all I previously used has been broken, worn down and discarded" 

He did not admonish me, nor did he turn his nose up in disgust or turn away in search of a more acceptable creature. Instead he held me with acceptance and love. 

He took my broken bits and pieces, and I found that in his hands the wounds and barriers of the past became the tools with which we would shape our future.

He smiled at my beasts and danced with my demons, and together we travelled together into the shadows I had long avoided. 

First I surrendered a hundred different ways and a million times over before I feebly offered him what I had left of myself when all was stripped away and laid bare. Then I surrendered all I had left to him and his will. 

I surrendered all I had and all I knew. 

I surrendered my self.

And in doing so, I stopped being me, and instead he and I became us.  I surrendered all, and found freedom, love and peace in us, as all we are and all we are yet to become. 

~Wyn x

[michellemoe]

SAKURA BREEZE / Makeup Tutorial

With this tutorial I wanted to capture that certain ‘feeling’ I have when I’m out in the nature picking berries,dancing under trees and sipping homemade fruit juice. I don’t know if that made sense to you but I hope you kinda got what I meant ;-;

[justoneredhead]

[jackdonaghy]

[cwote]

:))

[pardonmewhileipanic]

thank you person who made me feel pretty good just now

[senkasfetishes]

30DoSQ - Day 30

Day 30

Is your need to submit being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again? What makes submission special to you?

Yes, my need to submit is being met now. The past 8 months of being my Master’s submissive has been the absolute most blissful time of my entire life. I feel strong, empowered, wild, free, delighted in my life. I never question or wonder what is going on between us. Never wonder if my Master is being satisfied. Never wonder if we could be happier, or if he’s happy at all. I live in certainty now. I know that honesty flows freely between both of us, transparency in all things, no subterfuge or odd politics of what should be happening.

Honestly, now that I’ve experienced my life in this way, I don’t think I could ever be happy again not expressing my submission freely and openly to my partner. I don’t need to rub my family’s nose in it, they don’t need to know the meaning of my collar. But if I was unable again to express it to my Master? I don’t think our relationship would survive. And I would never be able to enter into another relationship without bringing that side of myself to the table, because I spent such a large portion of my life without it that I won’t do it again. Will my submission change? Will things be different and shifting, changing and resettling? Yes, of course I think that, because life changes. Life is fluid, as is my submissive relationship to my Master. But I no longer live in fear that that will be a problem. I am constantly sure now that our relationship will survive, thrive, and flourish.

Submission is special to me because it is such an intrinsic part of myself. And when I get to share that with someone? It’s letting them see the real me. Letting them understand how I see the world. Letting them into my real life, no matter how shallow of an intrusion it might be. They are seeing me. Me. Not the portion of me that is socially acceptable. Not the portion of me that shows up for holidays and special events. Just me. Submission is special to me because it is me. And I am fucking special.

[senkasfetishes]

30DoSQ - Day 29

Day 29

Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission? What is your relationship to it? Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?

Pain is a portion of my submission with my Master, yes. I enjoy spankings a great deal, and it helps me feel truly connected to my submission. I embrace it whole-heartedly. Humiliation, I would say it’s not really a factor in my personal journey with my Master. Overall, my Master and I are very very loving. And humiliation doesn’t really fit into our love languages well. 

Do I do things that others would find humiliating? (such as humping his boot, swallowing his cock until I throw up, be spanked in the first place). Yes. I do. But I don’t feel humiliated or embarrassed by those things, especially when we are in the midst of them. And he doesn’t shame me either. He encourages me. He loves that side of me, the side of me that is so eager to please him and pleasure each other that I will do just about anything. So it is always something that is met with praise and pride, not humiliation. I don’t hold anything against those that partake in that particular style, it just has never really been part of our dynamic.

The pain on the other hand, I look forwards to always pushing those boundaries. There are just times when I need that pain. Need it to center me. Need it to release all the chaos that tangles itself in my brain. There are nights where I am begging him to hit me, to smack and spank. To leave claw marks down my sides, to make my scalp sear with pain by throwing me to the bed by my hair. It is just something that enhances our feelings. It’s sort of like feeling pain to feel alive. It makes us feel more alive and more intensely connected. For me to trust him to do such things, to feel the adrenaline it brings about, it is nearly holy for us. A church of sin and divinity. 

[senkasfetishes]

30DoSQ - Day 28

Day 28

Has your submission ever let you down? Have you ever been criticized for your submission? Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that?

Since fully embracing my submission, no, it’s never let me down. But there was a lot of times that my submission let me down when I was just half admitting that it was a thing. It led me to give pieces of myself to people who didn’t deserve it. With the desire to simply experience that submission with someone who wasn’t repulsed by it, I let myself be taken advantage of. I was in an atmosphere where it was discouraged that a submissive ever say no or voice their opinions in a negative way. That’s where I had experienced most of my knowledge of submissives. But I have learned a lot in these past 8 months. BDSM used to be very scary for me, very foreign, and something I didn’t really understand. But upon actually exploring it, I’ve felt myself become very free and enjoying my submission instead of lamenting it as an unfortunate trait of my proclivities. I know my Master has played a large part in that as well in nurturing this side of me.

My Master, before he accepted my submission and consequently, his dominance, criticized my submission often. Didn’t understand why I would want to be “treated like shit”. Didn’t understand what it did for me. And any time I tried to explain it to him, he didn’t want to hear it. It was like talking to a brick wall. He didn’t want to understand it. And that was extremely hard for me, for us. It led to a lot of hurt between us that was never acknowledged. Sometimes it made me feel regretful of enjoying submission. I denied it was part of me. Explained it away as something I just enjoyed talking about and writing about. A hobby. A pastime. Something that kept my mind busy and how I spent my down time. I didn’t admit, even to myself, that it was a very big part of me. That it was me. 

And I suppose, the only way one ever handles mistakes, is learning from them and moving forwards. I try very diligently not to live in the past. I’m such a transformed person that the past is very far away from the real me that I’ve become now. And to know that I caused pain, both to myself, and to my Master, through that past self, still upsets me. It makes me try harder in my submission. As if to make sure that I live this life fully and completely in my submission. To show him and myself that this is what I needed. That it’s made me such a stronger person and such an amazing partner to my Master.

[senkasfetishes]

30DoSQ - Day 27

Day 27

Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

I think the day you run out of fantasies is a sad day indeed. I think everyone should always have a new fantasy. Find a new thing that excites them, a new way to explore with their partner and understand new levels of intimacy. Discover yourself, themselves, and every self in between. It really is a beautiful thing to explore new things together.

As far as my own personal fantasies, I’ve explored a lot in shallow depth over the past 8 months. A few I’ve yet to get to is going to a play party and/or pup/leather convention, hosting a high protocol dinner evening, and exploring polyamory with my Master. These are just a few, and I’m sure there are more that I’m forgetting at this precise moment. 

As far as confusing or frightening me, no not really. Are they exciting in a new and foreign way? Yes. But I don’t think I’d say they frighten me. I think communication is key to eliminating fear over your own desires. Talking it out with your partner and learning to self explore during these conversations is a great tool in accepting things you’ve never considered before. Polyamory was a little bit of a scary conversation for me mostly because I never thought my Master would be in any way comfortable with it. I was careful discussing it with him, and did so in slow stages. It is still something we’re not participating in but still on the hypothetical table, but it has come a long way from where we began.

[senkasfetishes]

30DoSQ - Day 26

Day 26

What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

I suppose the qualities I seek in a dominant partner are similar to what I seek in a vanilla partner. Kindness, humor, humility, strength, understanding, patience. I require all of these simply because I am not the easiest person to love. I had a lot of self destructive tendencies and I had a very thick wall that took 6 years of very hard work to break through. 

In addition to these, I also look for specific traits of dominant people. Namely, strength of conviction, commitment, willpower, a sure sense of self, and the ability to tell me no and sticking to it. That last one is really a deal breaker for me, mostly because there’s not really a lot of people capable of doing it. I need made to do some things, and I am an expert in weaseling out of it if I’m not backed by a strong personality. I have always compared myself to water. I can be fickle and mercurial, tempestuous. I tend to get in my own way, and I rush. I look for the quickest and most direct route, and if there isn’t one, I attempt to make my own. I need a rock. One that won’t erode in key places. Obviously life is about compromise and moving together, shaping one another, but in some aspects, I need unforgiving. I need sturdiness. I need a strong person I can throw myself against and find only more strength. I need someone who can stand that and not resent or begrudge me for it. I’m lucky in the fact that I have found this with my Master. 

He always had those traits, at least save for telling me no. He’s learned that well. And I think that’s what I always found so appealing about him, is that I saw these dominant traits in him but he wouldn’t unleash them for a long time. When he finally has, he’s taken to being on the D end of the spectrum like he was always meant to be. And I think that’s because he has. We are soul mates, carved from the same tree to only find one another again and reforge. He is my steel, I am his fire.

[senkasfetishes]

30DoSQ - Day 25

Day 25

Are there items, objects, or rituals that represent or help express your submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

There are  a couple of things I would say represent and assist me in feeling my submission particularly strongly. My steel eternity collar is quite an obvious one. it is something I’ve always dreamed of and do my best not to remove. It is not quite so 24/7 as it used to be simply because it is just an outward symbol and not required to make me feel submission. But it is really a lifelong fantasy to have one upon my throat,and its reassuring heaviness is something I treasure every day. My submission always remains very real and tangible when I wear it.

Another thing would be my back tattoo. It is a mark that I designed at his dictation, and combines his heron mark and a myrtle flower to represent marriage fidelity. It was a re-commitment between us and another long time fantasy of mine to have my Master’s mark permanently affixed to my skin. It was very powerful for us, for multiple reasons. It represented a reaffirmation of our commitment to one another, it was the first tattoo either of us had gotten while together, and its position is directly over my mole removal scars which he attended with me on our second date. (Yes, that’s right.). So it holds complex and great meaning to me and really represents my submission to him. It’s something I can’t take off. It’s something that is seen and to us, we know what it means, and to have everyone and anyone being able to see that, it’s very very special.

A more mundane item would be my leash. It is a simply leather leash, meant for a small dog. I inherited it. It makes me feel my submission very keenly,and when he pulls upon it I forget how to talk and breathe a bit. My heart speeds always and it makes me feel very deeply in touch with my inner primal nature. My quiet purely physical nature. I enjoy the mood it puts me in, the eager complacency, the obedience and desire to be pleasing. It helps me re-center.

The last would be a ritual that we don’t end up doing as often anymore, but it still is important to me. When I desired my bra to be removed, I am to kneel on hands and knees, head down, and wait for him to remove it. It’s important to me and hooks at my submissive core because it was the very first protocol he put into place. It was the first way for me to express myself submissively. I didn’t have to say a word, didn’t have to feel awkward. It was just a silent peaceful thing and always felt good because he’d pet my back slowly afterwards.

[senkasfetishes]

30DoSQ - Day 24

Day 24

What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?

I suppose if I had to single down a few that most directly lead me to my submission would be love, loneliness, and desire. Those three are probably my top that allow me into the submissive headset most easily. When I am feeling loving, I like to express my love submissively as much as possible. Kneeling before him, pressing my face against his knees and legs, curling against his legs or laying out there beneath his feet as a quiet soft footrest.

Loneliness makes me needy. For a very long time, I avoided expressing my loneliness mostly because it doesn’t take much for me to feel lonely. I am extremely touch oriented, and if I am not practically inside my Master’s rib cage, I feel lonely. I feel like I need him. And if I expressed it before, I was told that he was right there, but nothing changed. “I’m right here” is a phrase I abhor because of that. But now, I am encouraged to communicate my smallest desires, and so when I express my need for him, he makes adjustments, either to himself or directing me. It is the most satisfying and fulfilling thing for me after years of not being understood in that regard. I often find myself begging like a pup when I am feeling lonely, whining, pawing, head butting. Or, perhaps also like a dog, I push myself into his lap and lay my head on his chest, looking up to him with puppy eyes. I am rarely denied.

The last, and perhaps most obvious, would be desire. When I am desiring him in a lustful manner, my submission often shows itself in rather obscene ways. Touching and begging for varying things, offering myself in promiscuous positions, asking boldly for what it is I desire, which is something I was never comfortable doing much of before our transition. I also am entirely enamored with blow jobs, which, my Master surprisingly seems just fine with.