I have been thinking this a lot.
My kids are often told by their mother and by quite a few other adults that they are spoiled by me. That my lack of rules is fun but ultimately bad for them and that's why they shouldn't live full time at my place. The part that doesn't get said aloud is that it's also because I'm a trans woman who lives an immoral life by being openly polyamorous, but that's not even the point.
The point is: I look at my ex, I look at people who used to be my friends and see how their lives as patents is a constant struggle. The amount of rules, punushments for disobedience or mistakes, a default mistrust towards their own kids...and it doesn't fucking work. I know, I was the eldest and easiest child myself, and tried my damnest to mold myself according to given rules and it gave me absolutely nothing.
I refuse to continue this cycle.
My eldest just turned 15 and flat out announced that he would live with me from now on. All the typical guilt was piled on him and the bottom line was "But you have to have RULES! That's how parents show their love, spoiling you will cause trouble in the future!" But the kud couldn't be swayed and I couldn't be more proud about him. It was two months ago.
You know, I do have rules. They are simple and there isn't many of them.
1: as human beings who share a home we need to build everything around mutual respect. We talk about issues, I do my best to listen. Growing up is a group project. I'm not a god, I make mistakes and when it happens, I apologize and try to fix my behavior.
2: To make living as cozy as possible, we need to share the load of maintaining this home. He cooks every now and then, we share the dish washing duties, feeding and walking of pets, we clean together.
And that's about it. And it has worked very well. I try to be patient with him, learning to take responsibility about things is new and I can see how he flinches whenever he makes a mistake, awaiting to be punished or berated. And I just sit him down, explain how the particular mistake can be fixed and then we try again. I wouldn't be angry for myself about the same mistakes, why would I do it to him?
One could think that this would only lead my kid to lie to me and to abusing my trust. I'm not really worried about that. Why lie if you can talk about the thing peacefully, kniwing that you are treated with respect?
Really, it all boils down to respecting kids as whole persons. All of ys desire respect and feeling valuable to others, it's a basic human need. And so very rarely given to children. But when they are respected, when they KNOW that they are respected, it makes them want to show that they are worthy of that respect (not that it could ever be qyestioned by me, it's a self-respect thing).
Really, the kids are alright, you just need to give them a change.