Hey, Silk. Hope it’s ok to ask you about this but I don’t know anyone else who has any remote idea about kink. I have been talking to a guy about potentially getting in to dom/sub stuff and the subject of birth control came up.
We both agreed that we don’t want offspring from this to happen, and I asked about birth control. I asked if this was going to happen then would I have to go on the pill or if we could use condoms. He said condoms only if necessary (for situations with multiple people, for example) and that I would need to go on birth control. I told him I’d had a bad experience with birth control before and he said it is my choice whether to go on it and that he knew the request was unreasonable and I should make my own decision. But he then said that ‘his plan for any submissive partner is for them to make their own informed decision until they realise that his intentions are always in their best interest and welfare’. I’m not sure if I’m just uncomfortable with the idea of giving up control over my body, or with the fact that he knows I don’t want to do that and has said it’s the only way this can go sort of thing. Is this normal? Is it unreasonable for me to not want to go on birth control just to have this experience?
Wow sorry this got long. Any advice or resources you have are appreciated. Or if you don’t want to answer this that’s also fine!
Hey, thanks for your inquiry.
I'm going to approach this with as much of a neutral outlook as possible, because I don't know your situation fully, I don't know the guy you are with personally - I don't know anything except for what you've told me.....
....however.
From what you've told me, I'm seeing a couple of concerns here.
"we don’t want offspring from this" "condoms only if necessary (for situations with multiple people, for example)"
These two sentences are already kind of at odds with one another. If you are both on the same page about preventing pregnancy (good!) then you should be on the same page about HOW to prevent it. It needs to be a combined effort. It's not a one-sided thing. It does not stop being his problem once the sperm leaves his body.
But saying that 'condoms are only necessary for situations with multiple people' makes it sound like he's only worried about STD prevention from OTHERS. Not even from himself. Did he volunteer to get a full panel proving he's not carrying other STIs?
But back to the pregnancy prevention.
He expects you to take on the burden of prevention fully. He says 'well, I've decided that condoms are only going to be with other people, so if you don't want to be pregnant, it's up to you to go on birth control'.
And if you, yourself WANTED to go on birth control and take on that onus, that would be great. That would be your choice. But:
"I’d had a bad experience with birth control before"
yeah, fair. Some people do. It's an awesome prevention method for SOME, but not for ALL. It is still, at its core, a body-altering medication. It is introducing hormones to your system, which is inherently medical in nature.
"he said it is my choice whether to go on it and that he knew the request was unreasonable"
This is the part that stumps me the most.
He KNOWS the request is unreasonable.
So........ why make it?
"his plan for any submissive partner is for them to make their own informed decision until they realise that his intentions are always in their best interest and welfare"
This part, if you've relayed it truthfully, is a downhill slide.
Making informed decisions? Great. Good. If everyone is an adult, then we all HAVE to make our own informed decisions. That means agreeing or not agreeing what to put our bodies through.
I make an informed decision to refuse the use of anesthetic at the dentist after he tells me that the cavity isn't deep enough to hit a nerve. That's a choice I make. If I suffer for that, that's MY fault.
But IF the dentist then tells me that 'his intentions are in my best interest and welfare' and then refuses to put on gloves before putting them into my mouth.......... I'd be a little sus, wouldn't you? And wouldn't you be sus if the dentist then told me one of the ultimatums is that it's MY job to prevent infection from his hands by gargling?
My honest opinion?
He's being truthful:
The request is unreasonable.
Listen to him when he tells you this, because it's honestly the biggest part of it.
A dom/sub relationship is only dom/sub within the space that YOU both set up, as equals. Within the parameters that you both work out beforehand.
Rolepalying "I know what's best for you better than you do" is sexy.
Saying so in the context of negotiating your boundaries?
Lol. Lmfao even.
...
The good part of this is - you haven't put yourself at risk yet. He's shown you what he wants. He wants someone ELSE to take the burden of pregnancy prevention so he can live out his fantasy without having to overcome any mental roadblocks that may be too difficult for him (letting go of whatever fantasy he has where rawdogging is concerned). He's willing to make it easy for himself, but not for you.
He has other options for birth control too. He isn't offering them up to make the situation equal.
What he IS offering you is an honest perspective into how willing he is to care about your needs (not very much).
Listen to him, and believe him.
It's fully reasonable to say "I've thought it through, and you're right. Your request is unreasonable. I don't believe that I need to be the only one making sacrifices with my body by going on birth control. If you're not willing to wear a condom to share the responsibility, then you likely aren't actually aware of what is in your partner's 'best interest', nor do you care much about their 'welfare'."
There's plenty of doms out there who have a more balanced mindset and will honor your decisions about what to put into your body, and share the load of being responsible adults. Go find them.
That's just my two cents.
Good luck!
