Since Being Single

British Asian Dating - An Exercise in Thinking

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Do You

READING TIME: 10 MINS

Do You is one idea I’ve seen work so many times, not only for myself but for the people around me as well.

This one is important for you to understand because I know it will take you to the next level in dating.

Simply put, you and I must never change for other people. (There’s always an exception with these things, but you get my point).

Stay in your lane, and if you’re talented and resilient enough, people will come to you.

“It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are.” E.E Cummings.

So how has a young British Asian guy like myself been able to maintain such a precarious perch in the hot-today-cold-tomorrow world of British Asian dating.

It’s simple.

I always try to follow the idea of Do You. In other words, “Stay true to who you are and what you like instead of following trends.”

Over the years, I’ve tried to apply this to all my endeavours, including love, health and business, making sure I only promote products I believe in.

That’s something I learned growing up in the British Asian dating world. I’ve always put a priority on integrity and respecting what’s real.

That’s the key word: real.

Let’s explore some practical tools...

Always Do You

When I talk about Do You, I’m really just asking you to listen to the voice inside of you again. Without that voice, you’ll never be able to tap into the resources that you’ve been blessed with.

Instead, you’ll end up following the world, And that will never be as rewarding as tapping into your own power and creating your own path.

From Gandhi to Bob Marley to Tupac, so many people throughout history have been able to change the world by Doing You.

Not because they’re confident in their own ability, but because they take the time to listen to their voice and have faith in it.

When you find that kind of faith, you can use the idea of Do You to take yourself to tremendous new heights.

The truth rings bells

The idea behind Do You is fairly straight forward: Always try to be yourself.

Even though that sounds very simple (and I hear it all the time), it’s actually one of the most difficult ideas to follow.

The first step is knowing yourself - who you are and what you stand for.

Because even with that voice inside of you, the temptation to act or dress or talk or date the way the world tells us to (to conform) is very strong.

“You can’t be a master of yourself if you don’t first understand yourself.”

Seventeenth Century Spanish priest, Baltasar Gracián, talks about understanding yourself as one of his rules in ‘How to Use Your Enemies.’

Before knowing what we want, you and I must understand who we are and how to manage ourselves.

So the less you understand yourself, the more susceptible you are to being changed by external influences.

I tell people, being single isn’t a ‘bad’ thing - especially if you’ve been in a relationship for a while. Because being around the same external influence changes you more than you know.

Embrace being single and use that time to explore yourself. Find out what makes you tick.

One way to do this is by spending time on your own. I’m in the city a lot for meetings and events, and I often have large chunks of time in between things. I use that time to take a stroll and discover something new.

Small experiences like this are a great way to find out more about yourself because you don’t have that added pressure of an extra person to entertain. You can truly Do You.

I’m the first to admit that it’s often easier to blend in with the crowd than stand out on your own; but at the end of the day, changing your true colours in order to blend in won’t make you successful (or more importantly, happy).

Never forget that the truth rings a bell that the whole world can hear.

The truth will bring you more love than you ever imagined possible.

And it will make you more attractive too.

That’s because when you play a role, you’re really just playing yourself

Any kind of lasting success is rooted in honesty.

And we understand that truth on a personal level.

Certainly, no one seeks a long-term relationship with someone who’s dishonest. And it’s no different in business.

Love or business, you’re not going to keep supporting them if they don’t feel authentic.

Authenticity is the key.

Whether you’re selling a product or marketing yourself, if people know you’re being authentic, they’re going to support you.

I know people who have put on a facade in their relationships for years. It always ends in disaster. Facades are incredibly exhausting.

You don’t want to have to spend years pretending to be someone you’re not. It’s mental.

In the movie ‘Bride Wars,’ (yes Rom-Coms are my back-up), Liv turns to her fiancé after days of fighting with her bestie (boo!) and says, “It’s exhausting having to try to be perfect all the time...” to which her fiancé says, “Life isn’t perfect. It’s messy… You don’t have to be perfect” Awhhhhhhh.

I like that. It’s cute.

You don’t have to follow Do You

And still date, have a boyfriend or girlfriend and even be in a relationship. I know many people like this.

Take Vanilla Ice, a music artist who could have experienced much more longevity, and much less ridicule, if he had just been more honest about his experiences.

Vanilla Ice didn’t become a national joke because he was white. He became a joke because he wasn’t honest.

His mistake was saying he was from the hood when he really wasn’t.

You can dodge the idea of Do You and still have a very big hit. But you just won’t have any more.

As one of my mentors says, “Kam, frauds sell singles. But only truthful artists sell albums time and time again.”

When you fake it, you can only make money. When you Do You, you can make history.

One thing I’ve learned from friends who have been in relationships is that when a guy really likes you, he doesn’t care about you not wearing make-up. He won’t care if your nails aren’t always polished.

He doesn’t really care what you wear either, or what your hair looks like. He will literally like you for you; the person you are inside.

Perfect that, and you’re golden baby!

My point is: Who you are, not what you are, will ultimately be the thing that seals the deal. If you’re thinking long-term, you need to get to a stage where you’re happy with yourself.

Work on who you are. Only then will a guy be happy with you too.

READING TIME: 5 MINS

Don’t be a sucker

Just like there are a lot of ways to make a beat, there are a lot of ways to date.

That’s why you should never think that the best thing to do is copy what someone else has been successful with.

History has proved me right. And thankfully I had the instinct to always Do Me.

I felt the pressure of dating from friends, but I just laugh at the idea of copying something that wasn’t me.

If I hadn’t committed to Doing Me over the past few years, it would have absolutely ruined me, instead of taking me to the next level.

Because the girls I’ve dated knew I was authentic. They accepted me because I had always been so honest with them from the very start.

But If I had been the rule, instead of the exception, then that would have been the end for my relationships.

The girls I dated would have wrote me off as a fake, from day one.

Doing You comes with risk

While the odds are in your favour that people will support you when you’re honest, it’s not always the case.

I can say that with complete confidence, since I’ve been guilty of judging people unfairly for Doing Them.

The point is, when you Do You, there is always the chance that people are not going to understand you at first.

I meet a lot of people who feel the pressure of dating and as a result have played it safe and tried to copy their friends.

I always say to people, “At the end of the day, I would rather have a disappointment Doing Me, than a success copying someone else.”

Break that mould. Because you and I will never find success by chasing a trend.

It might not come with your first date, first relationship or first business, but it will come eventually.

Never be for sale

In order to truly Do You in the dating world, you’re going to have to turn down some very attractive opportunities.

Every day I meet new girls. But if I don’t feel real about attaching my name with her, I’ll cut and run.

I won’t compromise my name, because I know once I do, I’ll never be able to get it back.

I won’t lie, walking away from a girl can be difficult. There’s a part of me that thinks, “Damn it!” But I try to ignore that voice, because I know that while we would have had a lot of fun in the short term, the long-term effect would have been disastrous.

I would have compromised my foundation, which is important. And once you ruin your foundation, you can never build any higher.

It’s about protecting your beliefs. I could never compromise them. That’s not Doing Me.

Doing You is an essential part of Love

I want to stress that Doing You can create tremendous growth for you in the dating, relationship and the world of love.

That’s because Doing You is an essential part of building what every young British Asian who is dating wants: true success in love.

Take it from me. I used to be a really shy, quiet girl, whose family never thought she’d be where she is today. They never thought I’d be this assertive, opinionated, outspoken, or much of a fighter.

By Doing You, you’ll find it easier to express your thoughts and feelings; opening the door to better communication. You’ll be more comfortable in your own opinions and this will completely boost your confidence.

I’m able to date better, because I know more about what I want, what I’m looking for, and easily rule guys out.

It’s like getting comfortable with someone in a relationship. When you first wake up with that someone, it’s cute. It’s new.

But you have this fear that they might look at you when you’re your most real and pure version of yourself and be like, ‘Nah, I’m jumping off this train while I still can, thanks.”

And if they do, that’s a good thing. It’s one less frog to kiss, my friend!

When people see my success in dating

They assume I have some sort of crystal ball into love.

I hate to disappointment them, but all I try to do is to remember that youth culture is centred around Doing You.

Throughout history, youth culture has emphasised having a free spirit and challenging what’s perceived to be the adults’ mistakes.

It’s how great music was born!

Look at the evolution of Rock & Folk music. Legends like the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, and Bob Dylan - whose ‘Blowin’ in the Wind’ and ‘The Times They Are a-Changin’ became anthems for the Civil Rights & Anti-War movements in America, The culture revolution of the 60s, they were all about standing up, making their voices heard, making a statement, and challenging people.

And that’s why they became such famous, well-known brands.

It’s a collective way of Doing You.

It’s necessary because no matter the culture or country, people have a tendency to become more rigid as they get older. They tend to want things a certain way, and then try to make the world conform to those ideas.

So young people’s emphasis on individuality (Doing You) is really a reaction to that rigid mentality.

Speak the truth

The next step is to speak the truth. It keeps you closely connected with you. Your brand.

That’s why every time you see me, I’m talking about this New Way of Thinking, the Free Tour, Foundations, our workshops and events. I know some people say, “Why is Kam always talking about SBS? He needs to give it a rest.”

Well, the answer should be obvious: I make shit that I like!

Hopefully you’ll like it too. But I’m never going to make things that don’t personally reflect my experience and insight.

Free Tour reflects me. Foundations reflects me. And everything else we’re doing at SBS reflects me. I respect my brand, so why wouldn’t I talk the truth?

And if I’m not representing my own brand, I’m going to represent British Asian dating on a larger scale.

To me, that’s still Doing You. Because I am British Asian dating. And by supporting those other companies, I’m supporting myself too.

That’s a message I feel is getting lost these days.

At SBS we took that negativity and are building something lasting out of it for British Asian dating.

And that’s what You and I need to do today

Have confidence in yourself and your community. Be conscious about the choices you make with your money and always try to support the people who support you.

I like to call it… Doing You by Doing Us.

Doing me is being able to challenge and question things more. I’m able to see my power in places I couldn’t before. I know when I’m right and when to back down too. I’m not afraid.

It’s also making life easier because I can get out of my comfort zone.

I’m confident in saying ‘yes’ to more things and jumping straight into the deep end. It’s changed me in more ways than I could ever have imagined. I have values, principles, and beliefs I stick to and defend, whereas before I was very easily swayed.

As a result, I’m a more grounded person with high self-awareness, a stronger character and a far more confident person - it’s effortless, and naturally attractive.

You’ll never know who you are if you avoid being real.

And to wrap up...

I believe if you have love, compassion and a kind heart, then you must have courage to reflect that in your actions.

You must have the courage to speak up.

Don’t be afraid to go against the grain and Do You.

Meet people and Do You.

Date people and Do You.

Build a relationship by Doing You.

Exercise and Do You.

Create wealth and Do You.

Love by Doing You.

Remember, Do You. Always.

With Love, Kirith and Kamey

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Be part of a new Exercise in Thinking for British Asian Dating

The SBS Free Tour is back for its second year in London: 7 Practical Tools to Date Better.

For more info and tickets: http://bit.ly/1S01CVw

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Do What is Difficult When it is Easy

READING TIME: 10 MINS

I’m sure you would agree that there are elements of your life that are outside of your control.

You had no control over who your parents were, what you look like, or where you were born.

But there is a side, that you have immense control over.

For example, you could stop reading this essay right now. If you got the inkling, “I’m gonna shut this off” you could shut it off.

But you couldn’t control everything that happened tomorrow.

So what we’re going to be talking about today is ultra important for you.

Lao-Tzu, one of the greatest philosophers of all time, says, “Do what is difficult when it is easy.”

That’s it: Do what is difficult when it is easy

For me, this is the idea that ‘prevention is better than cure.’ It’s the principle of acting on things before they become a problem - not just planning ahead, but always being one step ahead.

So as you’re on your path to building a successful relationship, you basically have a choice at every moment:

Firstly, you have a choice where you can wait for things to happen to you, before you prepare for them.

That is what 99.99% of the world is like.

99% of the world waits for things to hit them in between the eyes before they act on it.

Think about it.

“I’m going to wait until things get really bad and then scramble at the last minute.”

Let’s look at wealth

Because you know: If you live long enough, your car’s going to break down, someone’s going to steal money from you or your company, you’re going to have other big expenses.

So, when you save only 1% or 2%, you’re basically saying, “I’m the kind of person that likes to scramble at the last minute.”

This is definitely what I used to be like! And I learned the hard way - when you have a car you have to be prepared for anything. My car started smoking out of the blue.

My car was deemed ‘not road-worthy’ and taken off the road. I had to pay for a new oil filter, replace all the oil in my car, and pay for it to be cleaned.

That hit pretty hard and I was not prepared for it. Now I try to stash money aside just in case, so that I’m always prepared.

Now, that strategy works for many people

Far be it from me to tell you what strategy to take.

Who care’s what I have to say.

But if we look at how the world’s greatest thinkers think, Lao-Tzu says, “Do what is difficult when it is easy.”

So his pattern, which I would invite you to try is, instead of waiting for the end to scramble, do it well ahead of time.

That habit has changed my life.

Especially my dating, relationship and love life

I approach a girl when it’s easy to approach her (within 3 seconds - why wait?).

I ask a girl out on a date when it’s easy to ask her out (why wait?).

I communicate my rules when it’s easy to communicate them (at the very start of the relationship).

I break off a relationship when it’s easy to break it off (it’s better to cut and run, then let things drag on - why wait?).

I could go on. But you get my point. 

If you haven’t tried it, it’s pretty cool, before you go to bed mentally map out or write out, one main thing, two main things, three main things you’re going to do tomorrow.

Jim Rohn, the great life coach, the guy who coached Tony Robbins, he says, “Prepare for tomorrow, today”

So what Jim Rohn said is very similar to what Lao-Tzu said.

I have a calendar on my wall in my bedroom, which I generally like to update on a week-by-week basis. It let’s me know what’s coming up when, and reminds me that I need to be prepared for it.

I also pop a list of what I need to do tomorrow on a post-it note and stick it on the calendar, so that when I wake up, it’s there. Find out what works for you through trial and error.

That little habit that Kirith has implemented, I don’t know how, but man, it works. I do recommend you experiment with it.

John Wooden, the greatest UCLA basketball coach said, “Prepare for the rainy day”

And I will tell you, a rainy day will come. It is inevitable.

It’s come for me in the past, (the not too distant past in fact) and it will come again in the future.

Be prepared for it. Expect the unexpected and protect yourself so that you always have a back-up when things don’t go to plan.

Do what’s difficult when it’s easy; start making small changes now so that you’re always ready for the rainy day.

So how do we bring all these things together for you and I…

Some practical tools: I gave you the first one

Before you go to bed, while you’re brushing your teeth, form a new habit.

Start at 30 seconds. Map out what you should do tomorrow.

Say, “First things first. What’s the most important thing that’s going to have the biggest impact?”

“What’s tomorrow’s diet going to look like?”

“What am I going to do to be financially free?”

“What time am I going to work out?”

“What am I going to do to make my relationship stronger?”

“What am I going to do to attract and meet like minded people?”

Now, some of you are not planners. Neither am I. That’s why I’m saying do it the night before.

Do it while you brush your teeth. If you’re not willing to devote five minutes, two minutes to planning out your life, you’re not committed to having a good life, I can tell you that right now.

You know, it’s funny, I actually remember hearing this on the radio a while ago. If you do one thing differently everyday, it can make you a far more adaptable person - meaning you’re ready for anything.

Their advice was, “Just try brushing your teeth with the other hand and you’ll notice the difference.” It will completely catch you off guard and you’ll be more open to trying new things.

It’s a really good way to get yourself thinking outside of the box and challenging social norms - in a non-creepy way, of course!

The second thing is:

I want you to take that framework of saying, “Within certain parameters, I control my own destiny.”

Again, don’t be too extreme. I see this all the time. “Positive thinking.” It’s not really positive thinking. People just assume that name. They say, “I can do everything.”

No, you can’t do everything. Remember Newton's third law, physics.

But there is a lot you can do.

There’s that serenity prayer, “God give me the strength to change the things that I can change, to accept the things that I can’t, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

That’s a great little happy medium.

READING TIME LEFT: 5 MINS

So, continuing on…

We’ve understood the mentality and all these practical ways.

I also think literally going through your life, doing a quick assessment of the pain that you’ve gone through and figuring out why.

If I go through my own life, some of the worst things that have ever happened to me are because I’ve not prepared for the rainy day.

Not doing what's difficult when it's easy.

So here’s another practical tip. The next time you start procrastinating, just think, “Do what is difficult when it is easy.”

When is it easy for you to save a lot of money? When you don’t need to save money. Think about a bank loan. People always laugh about banks only lending money to people who don’t need it. That’s true! I wouldn’t want to lend a desperate person money.

It’s the same with business. If your plan is to go out and start your own company and raise money at the last minute, when you need it most, people are going to smell the neediness on you and they’re not going to give you any money.

I’ve fallen victim to this before unfortunately! Fresh out of university, I got a job with a salary - amazing. I thought this is great! I can buy what I want, go where I want, and I can just be out all the time… Then the end of the year came along. Christmas, Car Insurance Renewal, Birthdays, Parties… and there was me with no money.

So, what did I do?

I set myself a goal. I decided to do what was difficult when it was easy and save money from January for December. I weighed up my incoming balance to my outgoing, decided how much I could afford to set aside after all my bills came out, and there was the sum I could have saved every month had I taken action sooner.

By the end of the year, I had more than enough saved up!

So take action while you’re in a position to do so. Do it from a position of strength, not weakness. Do it when you’re calm and not stressed. Do it when it’s easy, not when it’s the only thing on your mind.

If you want to lose weight…

When do most people start thinking about losing weight? Or when do most people think about exercise? When they’re completely unhealthy. And it’s hard to exercise and lift weights when you’re completely out of shape.

Now, don’t use this as an excuse not to do it. I’m just saying, if you’re not completely gone, don’t let yourself go completely. It is a beast to get yourself back on track. It will take you an extra year or two, minimum.

I started working out because I didn’t want to be overweight, and from there it became an obsession to look and feel great.

It became a lifestyle, and I think that’s the most important thing to remember about health - it’s a full-time job. It’s a lifestyle. Start now when it’s not a huge deal, and you’ll be wondering how you ever lived without it.

And it’s not going to get any easier

The pain. The discomfort. The agony. The potential death of dreams. The potential death in health. The potential death in love of neglecting these things.

Let the pain drive you. Don’t be controlled by pain and fear. Instead, let pain and fear serve as motivation to do things that are more efficient.

Remember, “Do what is difficult when it is easy.”

I tell myself, “Kam, you could do this tomorrow, but it’s easier to do it today. It’s going to be difficult tomorrow and it’s going to be difficult today too.”

So this goes on to the next practical tool...

When you don’t know what to do, and you have something hard to do, just jump right in, and the next thing you know, it’s half way done.

And man, writing this essay is proof. Kirith and I jumped right into it!

So the reason why most people are not doing these things, that we know we should, is because we perceive pain in doing things now.

“Ahhh man, it’s hard, I don’t wanna do it right now.”

But if you just jump right into it, you will start rewiring how your brain works, and it will start lowering the pain threshold.

You’ll realise that the thing you perceive as very hard, once you actually jump into it, it’s not that hard.

It’s like with me, I always thought getting up early on weekends and having a really busy schedule was hard. I couldn’t imagine doing it.

Now, because of my campaigning, I am up and out of the house before my parents are even awake. And their idea of a lie-in is 8am. Now, I can’t sleep in and be lazy. I get agitated. I never thought I’d be like this, but I have to tell you, I’m glad I am. I’m glad I made that jump and rewired my brain.

Say if there’s somebody you need to break up with romantically

If you give yourself too much time to contemplate it, you’ll start dreaming up how hard it’s going to be. If you just jump into it, next thing it’s almost done.

In which scenario would you be happier? Being with the right person, or pressuring yourself to keep making the wrong person happy?

The thing is, if you keep thinking about it, you’ll come to a conclusion where you’ll say, “It’s easier to be with them than it is to break up.”

So I want you to get into this new pattern

Because procrastination will keep you in a place where you’ll be forgetting about that rainy, cold, harsh day, that will come.

And I tell you, if you prepare for it ahead of time, you’ll breeze right through it.

Things that throw most people off for a decade, you’ll never even have to deal with.

It’s amazing. Imagine never having to deal with the stress and trouble that most of the world deals with.

This essay is a simple one. “Do what is difficult when it is easy.”

So what is something difficult that you put off and it came back to bite you?  (Think deep).

What’s a bad habit you have? (Maybe its procrastination, waking up late etc).

What is a resolution that you can make to change just one thing today and how are you going to do it? (Focus on one thing. It could be one of those things I’ve mentioned above).

Remember, do what is difficult when it is easy.

Buy the umbrella before it starts raining.

With Love, Kirith and Kamey

SBS - An Exercise In Thinking

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Age Is Subjective

With Love, Kamey

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Effort In Dating

With Love, Kamey & Kirith

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A Brave New Love

READING TIME: 12 MINS

What we’re going to be talking about today is special to both Kirith and I.

In my experience, this is the most important personality trait you must possess in dating, relationships, love and life.

But first, let me lay down the foundations…

When you read books and blogs, or when your colleagues, friends and family give you advice on how to be successful, you’re going to get a whole plethora of ideas…

Some people are going to say: “Be wise.” “You have to go to school.” “You have to read books.” “You don’t have to read books.” Or “Do stuff, trial and error.”

Other people will tell you: “Be generous with your money.” “Be religious.” Or “No, be atheist.”

You and I will have accumulated all this clutter in our brain over the past 'however many years you've been on the planet.”

It started the day you were born.

People were already pushing their ideas on you.

And some of that has probably been good for you. Languages, learning how to walk and talk, feeding and taking care of yourself for example.

But along with that, comes a lot of bad advice. 50% might be good, but how do you ignore the other 50%?

Some people don’t have your best interests at heart, they will compete with you and give you bad information.

I find it easy to solicit advice when I’m going through an internal struggle. I tend to ask people around me for advice when dating someone, only if it’s getting me confused. Especially if I’m thinking about my future with this person - i.e. is he going to be in it or not?

I also tell friends & family about how the first date went and if I’m not sure about the guy by the end of it.

My career moves are another aspect of my life I like to get advice on. Basically, when it comes to making really important, life-changing decisions, I need to be sure I’m making the right ones. So I ask people for advice because they might be able to offer a different perspective.

But you do have to be careful here, especially if you’re easily swayed. Not all people will give you the best advice, and asking lots of people could just confuse you further.

I find it’s best to keep an open-mind when soliciting advice. Listen to what people are telling you, but don’t let that cloud your judgement. Bear in mind what people tell you, but ultimately make up your own mind.

The Dream

So when it comes to the character traits that all humans should posses…

In my experience, you want to live the “entrepreneurial dream” lifestyle of love, where you’re happy, you’re healthy, you’ve got plenty of money and you’re around people you want to be around...

Well, if you ask me, and I’m just giving you a different perspective, I would say the greatest thing you need to have is Courage.

And I don’t mean that in some cheesy, wishy-washy Wizard-of-Oz way.

Let’s explore what I mean by courage.

Let’s talk about health…

Look, life has momentum.

If you look around the world, what’s the average momentum of people?

People are getting fatter, we know this. 62% of people in the UK are either obese or fat. That’s the same as the US.

And this is the first time in history, where the amount of people who are obese is higher than the amount of malnourished people.

Simply put, there’s more fat people now, than there are people who are malnourished and hungry.

That’s called negative momentum.

I mean, you have some good things, don’t get me wrong.

But when you look at an individual level. I read 50% of kids are going to have diabetes or pre diabetes in the next 20 years because of so much sugar in processed food.

So you’ve got that issue.

Just start by saying “Yes” to something you’d normally never consider - like a 5K run for example.

I never thought I could do something like that, I’ve never been a runner. But signing up to it meant having to train for it. When I crossed that finish line, that feeling I felt. I can’t even describe it. I was so incredibly proud of myself and just so happy I’d accomplished something I thought I could never do. It was a huge deal for me.

Let’s talk about wealth…

The average person in the UK saves 10 pounds for every 100 pounds they have. They're not really investors in themselves. They're basically consumers.

They give all their wealth to somebody else to make somebody else wealthy.

Now, if you're an entrepreneur and you're receiving the wealth, its good, but you also want to live in a society like Sweden for example, where people are a lot more similar, where the gap between the rich and the poor is smaller.

You have huge issues in some places like Africa, where the dictators have all the money, and everybody else is poor.

So, again the momentum in the world, is not necessarily good or bad, but there is a certain momentum to it, that you may or may not want to be caught up in.

I tend to find that by being caught up in what the masses are doing, you basically end up with an average life.

So if you want to know if any of your friends are going to be successful. Here’s a little test…

Ask them how much they care what their neighbour thinks.

If people are petrified of being a little different, striking out on a different path, then that’s a good sign they’re not going to be successful.

I agree - I find people are always too afraid to think outside of the box, or be branded ‘weird.’

I was happy being ‘weird,’ and challenging the notion of what is ‘normal.’

Weird is good, weird is different & unique. I wanted to be unique and stand out from the crowd. And, besides, what’s normal for me might not be for you.

Breaking that mould will make you happier in more ways than you can ever imagine.

Let’s talk about dating, relationships and romance…

Usually the things that people are not courageous about are social, love and belonging.

Relationships are a huge area.

The courage to approach someone new. The courage to go on a first date. That first step.

Perhaps the courage to say “No” to someone you’re dating or even putting an end to an unhealthy relationship.

I know a lot of people who have been in relationships for a few years. They tell me they’re not happy with their lives. They want to get out and see the world, and although they love the person they’re with, they want more from life.

My first response is, “Well, have you spoken to him about this and what does he say?”

Most of the time, they haven’t. And that’s pretty sad.

If you can’t talk to the man or woman that you’re in a relationship with, who can you talk to?

Courage is about knowing there’s something wrong. It’s about having the strength to realise there’s a problem and be okay with it.

If a relationship is not working, it’s not working. As Kam says, “Cut and run.”

Have the bravery to realise it and do something about it.

Ask small questions, take small steps, and make small tweaks.

I have had to do this a fair amount of times in my life so far.

I’ve loved the people I’ve been in relationships with, but when it had run its course, I knew something wasn’t right. At first I’d tell myself, “It’s fine, it’s just me, we’ll get past this phase.”

Then, after a while, when I started getting a bit detached and closed-off, I knew it was unfair to the other person. There was a problem. And I had to act on it.

People have told me they’ve felt this too, in their own relationships. But some people have said they turn to cheating when they get detached.

That’s not courage.

If there’s a situation, and you’ve accepted it, taking the right action also takes courage. Tell the other person how you’re feeling. Be honest.

Sure, you’ll probably hurt them, but who cares. Trust your intuition. Be brave.

If you and I look back at our lives

I guarantee we can think back on how they might have been different.

That time when you met one person, two people, you saw them somewhere, you knew should go up and introduce yourself, maybe there would be a connection but you were afraid.

So you didn’t do it. And you lost out on god knows what could have happened.

Well, the people who make it, they’re the people who did those things. The things that millions of people wouldn't do.

There’s a line in the movie, Transformers, that I absolutely love. When Shia LeBouf turns to Megan Fox and says, “30 years from now, don’t you wanna look back on your life and say you had the guts to get in the car?”

Because life takes courage

You must have the courage to trust your intuition. A premonition you could say.

I’m reading a great book at the moment: ‘Devil at my heels’ about this guy called Louis Zamperini who had immense courage.

Louis Zamperini had a fuller life than most. But on May 27, 1943, it all changed in an instant when his plane crashed into the Pacific Ocean, leaving Louis and two other survivors drifting on a raft over 2000 miles for 47 days; fighting off great white sharks, dodging Japanese fighter bullets, while waiting in the vein to be rescued.

And the worst was yet to come. When Louis finally reached land they were captured by the Japanese. For two years Louis was tortured and humiliated, beaten, starved and forced into slave labour.

Louis Zamperini’s story is a remarkable true story of accomplishment, glory, disaster, survival and true courage.

You should read books about courage. It’s why I’m so big on biographies.

Everything that you want in life takes courage.

You have to be willing to do stuff that other people wouldn’t do.

The way I see it, I want to look back on my life, laugh, and say “Wow I did some crazy things, I took some big risks, and man I had such a good time.”

I want to have hilarious and amazing stories to tell my grandchildren, and I want them to be inspired by them. I want to have an adventure (yes, I do think about this often).

I want to look back and think “Yes, I lived this life to the full! I made the most of this short time I was allotted.”

And what may seem like a huge deal to you now, in 20 or 30 years won’t even matter. You’ll sit back and think ”Why did I let it stress me out so much? It’s so insignificant now.”

Teach yourself to have more courage

Many years ago I read a story about these missionaries

In the mid 1800’s, the missionaries encountered these Native Indian Americans.

They noticed that in the middle of the winter, the Sioux Indians would take their little babies, 2 or 3 years old, in the winter, in North Dakota, (North Dakota is one of the coldest places in the world, open plane, 40 below), cut a hole in the ice, and make them take a bath in the morning.

So these missionaries were like, “What are you doing? Why are you torturing your kids?”

And of course they weren’t torturing them. The mother said, “No, we’re teaching our kids to be brave.”

So just like the Sioux Indians, you can teach yourself to have more courage.

One of the habits I hope you build up is a high level of courage.

Courage will change your life.

But too much courage can be dangerous. There’s a time to back down.

So let’s say you see somebody

Say you’re at a networking setting, you’re at a conference, and you know you should go up and talk to them.

You have a mini conversation in your head. You logically go, “Okay, is there anything wrong with me talking to them? Errr, nope, I’m not interrupting, they’re not on stage or anything.”

Then go up and talk to them.

If they are on a stage however, then you should be afraid, because if you interrupt them then everyone's going to think you’re an idiot and you could lose a lot of potential networking. That’s logical.

And honestly, when you do, people automatically think highly of you and respect you for taking those first steps over and introducing yourself. Mentors love being asked for advice and tips, you’ll have their card in your hand before you know it!

The first time I did this, I was so nervous. I knew I had to talk to this woman before the end of the night, and so many people were leaving already. But she was deep in conversation with two other people. I turned to the colleague I was with and said “I don’t know what to do, she’s talking to someone, but I really need to speak to her before she goes.”

I went and stood opposite her and waited. As soon as they were done, she looked at me and smiled. I said, “Hi, sorry to interrupt, but I was wondering if I may borrow you, just to ask for some advice quickly?”

She smiled and said, “Of course, no problem!”

We ended up talking for a good 20 minutes. She gave me websites, companies, and people to look up and get in touch with. I also got her card, a Linkedin contact, and a meeting with a few of her colleagues out of it, which has helped me immensely.

Most people are afraid of failure

Fear is something I could talk about for 20 more hours. Let me touch on it...

Fear when done in moderation will motivate you and also save you from some disaster.

Some of you may have no fear, and some of you may have too much.

There are things you should be afraid of. You shouldn’t have too much courage.

And the best way to find that balance I think is, before you got to bed every night, read a biography: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Kon Tiki, Louis Zamperini.

Read about courageous people because it’ll rub off on you.

And when the time comes, you won’t be stuck and paralysed like everyone else. You’ll be courageous.

There’s a fine-line here. You need a balance - everything in moderation.

Over-confidence is somewhat a lack of fear, which can be dangerous. Fear can keep you stable and grounded, but it also shouldn’t hold you back.

I’ve let fear do that to me before and all I ended up with was regret.

So courage to me is folding and retreating only when it’s the obvious logical choice.

Now. Some practical stuff

Take a cold shower every day.

When you’re in the shower. Be like the Indians. Turn the thing completely cold. And I tell people. If it’s too much, shout out the word, “Courage!” If you have flatmates or at the gym, people will think you’re crazy, but who cares.

It’s good practice. And if you can’t do it there, you’re not going to do it anywhere.

Turn it cold for five seconds the first time. (It’s better to do it in the winter because it’s harder).

Taking little practical steps is the best way to tweak your courage. Don’t start with taking a cold shower for 10 minutes. No.

Start with little stuff. Little things.

Things rub off on you. And of course, that’s not going to give you massive courage.

But it’s a start. It plants the seed.

You can read some books. Then start taking some actions. Little ones. Cold showers.

It’s like I always say, one small change can make a big difference. That one change is you planting a seed. Eventually that seed will grow and becomes a habit.

There are other things too

Some people don’t have the courage to lose weight. Some people don’t have the courage to make money. People limit themselves.

I find that people convince themselves they can’t do it. They fear not being able to meet their expectations and goals. They fear Failure.

Remember these things. It takes courage.

When everybody else is afraid, you be the person that can do stuff.

One of my mentors said to me the other day, “Kam, I’ve worked with millionaires for over 40 years, the only difference between millionaires and everyone else, is that they just have the courage to do the same things that everybody knew they should do, but they actually did it.”

See, in life, everybody thinks there’s a magic formula.

The formula has been put out there.

It’s just doing the stuff you know you should probably be doing.

And to wrap up

Some questions for you to think about...

What’s an opportunity (something big) that you missed out on in life because you were afraid?

Who is someone that you look up to that you can study? (A book, a seminar, or a movie you can watch).

What’s a practical action that you can do today? (Don’t even put it off until tomorrow).

Pick something. Anything. If you don’t know what, pick cold showers.

Remember don’t go nuts.

It takes a while to build up resistance to this kind of stuff.

Once you overcome one small obstacle, it’ll empower you to do more. You’ll feel great! Getting out of your comfort zone is that initial step. “You have to be frightened to be Brave.”

Courage man. Build it up.

Be brave. Risk more. Next time.

With Love, Kirith & Kamey

SBS - An Exercise in Thinking

P.S If you’ve enjoyed reading A Brave New Love, please share on Twitter and Facebook and spread the word.

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How Not to Think on a Date - Free Online Event

Tuesday 7th April 2015 at 8pm

Click here to Register

Everyone worries. But it doesn't have to be this way.

In this 1-hour Free Online Event with Live Q&A, we will be talking about How Not to Think on a Date.

On your path to building a successful relationship, there will be times where you and I must communicate how we think and feel.

Right now. Think about the last time you went on a date, what were you thinking about and does this sound familiar?

"I think he has a girlfriend" or "It's just something she doesn't like about me" or even "This always happens.”

Maybe who we are isn’t always so unacceptable. It’s worth risking more. Next time.

Stay on the rise.

With Love, Kamey & SBS

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Be a Boss, Date a Boss, Build an Empire - Collaboration with Kirith (ft. on BBC Asian Network)

READING TIME: 10-12 MINS

I really enjoy working with Kirith. Not only does she bring a real and candid female voice to SBS, but her approach is very humble too.

You and I must have a level of humility to building a successful relationship and life.

The Trap

Over the years I have met thousands of British Asian men and women. Naturally, you start to notice patterns.

Positive psychologist Martin Seligman coined the term Learned Helplessness. And this is one of those recurring issues.

It will be for sure a prominent issue that you will have to deal with as you go on your path towards building a successful relationship and life.

Now, we’re going to talk about what you can do about it, but I first want to lay down the foundations for you to understand how this thing goes down.

It’s best explained with this analogy…

Monkeys in a cage

When you go to a zoo, you see monkeys in a cage.

These monkeys would seemingly look happy right?

Every morning, afternoon and evening the zoo keeper brings a pale of food and throws it in there.

Remember, the monkeys originally came from the jungle. In actuality, what Seligman found was that these monkeys were not that happy.

Monkeys in a cage experience much lower levels of happiness than monkeys out in the jungle.

So, by teaching these monkeys to be helpless, to rely on the zoo keeper, you would think you’re doing good for the monkeys, but you’re actually lowering the happiness.

I pretty much fell into this trap right out of university. I landed a job that I wasn’t happy with but also naively thought I could easily get out of it, by applying for a few jobs here and there, alongside my full-time gig.

After having no luck with those job applications, I grew more and more depressed. I saw so many people around me that had fallen victim to learned helplessness and thought to myself, “Maybe this is it?”

You start telling yourself that you’ve got it good here - you have your own desk, a chilled out office where you can come into work in jeans (not that that was ever what I wanted), make 10 cups of tea a day and sit comfortably - all while getting paid for it. That’s a pretty sweet deal, right?

Apathy is the absolute worst thing you can do to yourself. Take it from someone who knows.

Now I think you can see where I’m going here.

You and I have been conditioned in many ways to feel helpless in life.

Let’s have a look at how this applies to your wealth, health, love and happiness.

In modern education for example…

You and I grew up in an education system where let’s say you’re in Social Studies... “So the goal of today’s lesson is to study the history of London.”

Now, instead of giving you the goal and letting you go out into the world and say, “Here’s a library, here’s a whole load of books, go out and study whatever interests you in London history.”

Instead, the teacher comes to us and says, “Alright Kam, read this chapter and then this chapter and then this chapter.”

We’re preconditioned to feel helpless when it comes to our education.

So when I tell people I read three books a week, a book a day, they go, “Wow what do you do?” And I’m thinking, this is what everyone should be doing! You and I should be continuously in a process of self education.

We are used to being spoon-fed. It’s one of the reasons I am grateful to have had the sixth-form experience that I did.

I didn’t do A levels. I did the International Baccalaureate Diploma instead. One of the core modules was the Theory of Knowledge.

Our first lesson was to unlearn everything we had come to know.

We were encouraged to start questioning, to start thinking outside the box, and to stop being comfortable with being spoon-fed information. “You have your own mind, it’s time you tap into that wealth of a resource.”

I never want to stop learning, because life doesn’t stop changing. I love being curious and inquisitive about all aspects of life.

When it comes to income and business…

Most people are conditioned to be Salary Slaves.

Now, let me just put a caveat out there. I’m not saying that everyone who receives a fixed salary is a slave. It’s not that cut and dry.

But I’m telling you, if you’re not careful, the next thing you know, your understanding of finances will be: you sitting in a cage and a zoo keeper bringing you a paycheque on the 1st of every month.

My goal for you in this piece is to begin to rewire your brain to go, “You know what, it doesn’t have to be that way.”

Sure they’ll be phases, ebbs and flows where you receive salaries, but you don’t have to fall into that trap of thinking that your income has to come from somebody besides yourself.

So, what I recommend for you is, first contemplate this. Look for areas in your life, there may be other areas of learned helplessness.

I meet so many people who are unhappy with their lives, or depressed after being in the same job for 10+ years… Relationships are similar.

My dating experience has taught me that there aren’t a lot of guys out there with ambition.

I met an awful lot who were happy just coasting along on the path they were already on, even though they wanted to do something completely different.

It’s time to become self-sufficient and put the power back into your hands. Life doesn’t have to be about waiting around for something to happen, go out there and make it happen!

Let’s talk about health and fitness…

Most people are relying on something, the next book to come out for example.

If you walk into Waterstones, the number one stand there is just full of health and diet books. There’s hundreds of them, literally.

As far as I can tell, anecdotically, the number one sellers of books are related to diets. Now why is that? Well, it’s learned helplessness.

People feel out of control with their body (health wise) and so they’re waiting for a “pill,” someone to walk in and say, “This is the book, until you’ve read this book, you were never healthy.”

In actuality, you’re probably not going to get what you want through a set 30 day diet.

Health comes from a lifestyle. Your life is a diet. Everything you need to know about a healthy lifestyle is pretty much on any website. Really. There’s no magic pill.

Yet we’ve been preconditioned to wait, “I’m not going to achieve health until that next book comes out. I’m waiting.”

There’s nothing to wait for!

I know a lot of people that rely on DVDs, on quick-fix diets, shakes, and meal replacements… Think about how people got fit and healthy before all this.

I have become more healthy and happier with the way I look when I decided to stop relying on quick-fixes and taking matters into my own hands. I channel all my aggression and frustration into my workouts, and you know what, I feel so damn good afterwards.

You’ll find that once you make a habit of working out regularly, you’ll change your eating habits too, and I cannot stress how important eating well is.

You don’t have to wait for the next big diet fad to come out, you don’t have to rely on shakes, you just need to get your mind into gear.

Get out there on your own and take it back to basics!

It’s the same with love and social...

People are afraid to get out there.

Let’s say you’re single, try online dating.

People say, “Well I’m worried, I might go out on a date, and they turn out to be a psycho.”

I’m like, take the risk.

Be smart. You don’t have to have them come to your house. Meet in a public place.

You’re so supported in the modern world that the odds that you’re going to meet a psycho is rare. In fact, 90% of all assaults comes from people you know.

So, get out there.

The odds of you making friends and something really bad happening to you are so low. Obviously take necessary precautions, but get out there.

If you’re lonely, take a risk. Go out into the jungle of the social life.

If you’re a guy, go out to a place where there’s a load of women and talk to 50 of them. Take the risk. Because let’s say all of them laugh at you and you have the worst experience ever. Well in the modern world, the jungle says, that there’s so many people that you’ll never see those women again. You’ll be just fine.

And if you’re a girl - welcome to the 21st Century. You don’t have to wait for a guy to approach you (and in this day and age, how rarely does that happen - you’ll probably turn grey before a decent guy walks over, key word there: decent).

You don’t have to be aggressive or guy-like in your approach either. Just get chatting to a guy while waiting for your drink at the bar. Slow service is the perfect setting for small-talk and ice-breaking. Treat the guy like your friend and it immediately takes that pressure off. You’ll be more like you and less like an ego-centric psycho.

That way, if it goes well, it was effortless from the start. And if it doesn’t, don’t worry! You can grab your drink and walk away - simple, and you didn’t even have to go out of your way to approach him. Win.

Take the plunge. Give it a shot. Take control of your own life.

You see, even the risks socially are so small that you might as well get out there in the jungle and try.

Living in the jungle

You and I are literally in the jungle. And it’s amazing!

You don’t want to be in the cage now.

In places like the UK and US, you can go out into the jungle, you can take the risk, leaving the cage of life, and launch a business, and even take loans on that business, and if you fail, you can literally declare bankruptcy.

So, in the UK, we’ve created a jungle that you can go into as an entrepreneur that’s pretty damn safe.

You and I sometimes still think that the risks are so big that, “If I try something big, if I try to launch my own business, if I fail, it’s going to be the end of the world.”

Well, if you live in most parts of the modern world, you’re going to be just fine.

So the beauty of the world that we live in now is that you can stop being the monkey in the cage, relying on other people, the cage doors are open now, it’s just a fantasy, it’s just a projection of a lock on the cage, you can just walk right out into the jungle, and when you walk out, you’re walking into a much tamer jungle now.

And that’s what I want you to realise

If you try to get into great shape and hurt yourself, in the jungle now, you’re supported by modern medicine. If you start jogging a lot, and all of a sudden you hurt your ankle, you can have x-rays and all sorts. The jungle’s not scary when it comes to your health.

If you decide to quit your job, or simultaneously launch a side business to see if you can get out into the ‘entrepreneurial’ jungle of life, if you fail, it’s not that bad. You’re probably not going to end up homeless.

Take risks. You’re never going to get there without taking those risks.

We’re so supporting in the jungle of life when it comes to health, wealth and love that I can’t believe how many people stay in the cage, where you know you’re going to be less happy, you know you’re de-optimising your life, you know you’re de-optimising your happiness.

Go out in this jungle.

I’m a Campaigner. Every campaign I go to is different and the people I meet are always different.

When I first started out, I got invited to a campaign session by someone on Twitter (I was completely responsible with this, I promise). I went ahead to the session, not knowing anyone, armed only with the phone number & facebook details of the person who invited me.

I took the plunge and met such amazing people, many of whom are my friends now, and I got some real campaign experience and on-the-job training, which I have used in campaigning sessions since. I went out into that jungle, and made it a familiar home.

Plus, you never know who you might meet!

This jungle represents risk

And I’m saying with risk, if you do it right, will come reward. And the reward is success.

Success in health, in wealth, in love and happiness.

Staying with what is safe is a false economy. It’s penny wise and pound foolish for most of us.

Now I just want to put out a caveat here. I’m not saying instantly quit your job, instantly try a crazy new health programme, instantly go out on a date.

No. You can make haste slowly. As John Wooden the great UCLA coach says, “Be quick, but not in a hurry.”

Peter Drucker, the business economist talks about the 18 month goal.

Over 18 months, you can begin to step out into the jungle.

You don’t need to quit your job today if you feel that you’re a salary slave. You can transition your way out of it.

For some of you, you should quit today. For some of you, you should never quit.

You see, it’s not black and white. Not all people who are paid a salary are slaves. No. Theoretically, you can be an entrepreneur and be a slave, right?

The most important thing I want you to get from this piece is that...

Although some things are out of our control, most things are not.

So I want you to go deeply into your brain and think about those areas where you have been susceptible to saying, “This is out of my control.”

For many people, it’s marriage and children. Social is a huge area. Many people feel locked into a relationship. A Relationship Slave.

Jeff Bezo’s, the founder of Amazon has this great line, “We’re going to innovate out of our problems.”

Innovating out of wherever you are, is the solution.

I want you to remove all learned helplessness

And that’s what I want you to do.

A lot of people tell me, “I only make £10 an hour, £20 per hour, I don’t make enough money.” Well, innovate your way out of it.

As Elon Musk says, you get paid in proportion to the difficulties of the problems you solve.

If you’re not solving a very hard problem, I can guarantee your wealth is low.

Innovate your way out of this through creativity. Become smarter.

Don’t be like most people. Don’t be a victim of learned helplessness.

Innovate your way into whatever it is you want.

Don’t listen to people who say, “You can’t do that” instead of saying, “I live in the modern world, what can’t I do?”

There are people who get everything they want.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is an example of a man who said he wanted something and everything he wanted he got.

He just went up to people and said, “Teach me, teach me, teach me.”

See, he wasn’t helpless. He knew they weren’t going to come to him.

People are not coming to you. If you want to find love, they’re not coming to you. They’re just not. If you want it, you go.

You need drive to get what you want

That’s something you’ll need if you want to start living outside of this cage.

I have ambition and drive, but the guys I have been out with don’t. They’re so used to having somebody else do everything for them, that they’re so lazy in their approach to life and dating.

Whatever happened to being a man?

Ladies, we want men who can handle a Woman on their arms. You want a man who’ll make you feel like you’re the Beyonce to his Jay-Z.

It’s Okay to have your ambition and your pride (I think more women could do with an injection of this).

You are entitled to have a career-goal.

It’ll make you more confident and more attractive. I know too many women who need to realise their self-worth. You don’t have to settle for just any guy.

Most people don’t realise what’s out there, just waiting to be snapped up

One of my favourite quotes is from Donald Rumsfeld...

“There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know.“

Unknown unknowns. I want you to know what’s out there. I want you to discover for yourself.

This jungle has all the fruit that you want and very few leopards waiting to kill you.

We have support systems built into our society that basically ensure that no leopard is going to eat you.

It’s all out there just waiting for you. Go and get it.

I want you to stop being helpless.

I once saw a quote that went something a little like: Be a Boss. Date a Boss. Build an Empire.

That is exactly what I intend to do. When I look back on my life, I want to be looking back with my Husband, my partner, and I want to be looking back on an Empire that I built.

I want you to be a Boss.

I want you to date a Boss.

And I want you to build an Empire.

Stay on the rise, Kirith and Kamey

P.S If you liked this piece, please spread the SBS word by tweeting, liking and sharing.

Follow Kirith @dreamer_ka

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Register your Free spot here:

sbsfreetour.eventbrite.co.uk

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Get To Know Your Date On The Date

As Seneca says, "Life is long, if we know how to use it." We are not immortal. We must understand how we invest and use our time.

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The SBS Free Tour Event is back!

Monday 16th March 7-9pm at The Anthologist, London.

Hurry, space is limited, so register now: sbsfreetour.eventbrite.co.uk

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The Foundations to Finding Success in British Asian Dating

Sign up here: foundationsindating.com

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Foundations - Create The Dating World You Imagine

The Foundations to getting anything you want out of British Asian dating.

Sign up free here: http://foundationsindating.com/

Everybody wants love, but not everybody gets love...

Listen, let's be real....

There are no “3 quick secrets” or anything of real value that you can get overnight. That’s what marketers want to sell you.

The real question I asked myself many years ago was, “If there aren’t 3 steps to get whatever you want in love, how many steps really are there? And if you can’t get success overnight, how quickly can you actually make a big change?”

Your success in love hinges upon you finding the answer to these questions.

Foundations is not a get-rich-quick dating scheme, although it can make you richer in love than you’ve ever imagined…

Foundations will not bring you a soul mate or rekindle your love life in 24 hours, but it will raise the quality of people and love you attract…

Foundations will not make you deserved of love overnight, although it will up your entitlement to get what you want…

Foundations will be your greatest tool in manoeuvring through the challenges British Asian dating sends your way.

Sign up free here: http://foundationsindating.com/

Talk soon

Kamey

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Foundations - A New Perspective On Social Skills

The Foundations to getting anything you want out of British Asian dating.

Sign up free here: http://foundationsindating.com/

Everybody wants love, but not everybody gets love...

Listen, let's be real....

There are no “3 quick secrets” or anything of real value that you can get overnight. That’s what marketers want to sell you.

The real question I asked myself many years ago was, “If there aren’t 3 steps to get whatever you want in love, how many steps really are there? And if you can’t get success overnight, how quickly can you actually make a big change?”

Your success in love hinges upon you finding the answer to these questions.

Foundations is not a get-rich-quick dating scheme, although it can make you richer in love than you’ve ever imagined…

Foundations will not bring you a soul mate or rekindle your love life in 24 hours, but it will raise the quality of people and love you attract…

Foundations will not make you deserved of love overnight, although it will up your entitlement to get what you want…

Foundations will be your greatest tool in manoeuvring through the challenges British Asian dating sends your way.

Sign up free here: http://foundationsindating.com/

Talk soon

Kamey

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Foundations In British Asian Dating - The Way Of The Superior British Asian Man

Coming 14.02.15 - Sign up free here: http://foundationsindating.com/

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The secrets all women want to know - Collaboration with Kamey of SBS - Part 1

I recently asked my female Facebook and Twitter followers what ‘they’ wanted to know about men. I had many of you lovely ladies send me your questions. My next action was to find someone who would be totally honest and answer these questions which YOU wanted answering.

Introducing Kamey

Kamey runs since Since Being Single and is going to do exactly the above.

I’ll be completely honest with you, when I first put your questions to Kamey I wasn’t entirely sure how the following post was going to go down with my readers.  Yes I talk about many subjects related to the matters of the heart (amongst other areas) but this guy is brutally honest. Would it piss off my lovely readers or would they say.. hey.. this guy actually has a point! Well… I’ll let you decide. So here is part 1 of the article.. Completely in his own words..

I absolutely adore women. In fact, I fall in love with all of them.

And I’m here to show you how to achieve the same success with men. Once you understand men, you can literally have any man in the room.

These are the secrets that all women want to know.

A real understanding is key in order to change belief systems, mindsets and ultimately take action to form a rock-solid long-lasting relationship with the man of your dreams.

In dating, in love, in life to get what you want, you have to deserve what you want...

  Q: Why do men’s eyes wonder?

“For a man to walk into a bar and have his choice of any woman he wants, he would have to be the ruler of the world. For a woman to have the same power over men, she’d have to do her hair.” - Bill Maher

To understand why men ‘check out’ other women, you and I must first understand attraction.

Everyone knows that men and women are different; they want different things, they are good at different things, and they behave in different ways.

Although, when it comes to attraction, believe it or not, men and women are not that different; we both follow good emotions.

  Attraction hasn’t changed since caveman times

Your primary purpose in life is to survive, your secondary purpose is to replicate.

While a woman is limited to about 25 pregnancies in life, it is possible for some men to have dozens, hundreds, even thousands of children in their lifetime.

(I think you can see where I’m going with this).

In other words, if men can spread their seed to thousands of women, men therefore have a far greater choice of potential mate compared to women; men will always be on the look out for women to pass their genes onto.

Simply put, replication is to ensure men’s continued survival.

Understand: Men’s eyes wonder because they are always on the look out for mates to pass on their genes to, with the end game of survival.

What then, attracts men’s eyes?

  The root of attraction is value

Anything that causes good emotions will add value. And anything that adds values causes attraction. Therefore, the root of attraction is value.

Still following?

Hands down, men are visual.

Men go for physical attractiveness over anything else: youth, long hair, small waist, large breasts, big eyes and high cheekbones. There is evolutionary logic behind each one.

(And it’s why women respond by wanting to look like this).

“Men are interested in selecting healthy women to be the mother of their children. Women who look healthier have higher reproductive success on average. One accurate indicator of health is physical attractiveness” - Gangestad and Simpson.

To the point, high value to men is healthy women.

So it doesn’t matter how beautiful a woman you may be, if you’re on a date, out with your boyfriend or husband and a healthy ‘attractive’ woman walks by, be sure that he will check her out.

Wondering eyes can also lead to cheating…

  Q: Why do men cheat?

Men cheat. Women cheat. Fact.

I put this question out to over 100 men I know (WhatsApp groups are great!): “Why do men cheat?”

Here were the most common reasons (in order):

Their female partner's nagging (clinginess basically)

He fell out of love with you (it is what it is – accept it and move on!)

There was no chase or a challenge (I’ll be talking about this in Part 2)

I have too many options (an abundance of choice)

Sex with their partner isn't exciting enough (physical needs not being met)

If another girl has bigger breasts (men are visual!)

Okay, so nothing new there! But it becomes interesting when a pattern emerges. I’m calling it…

  “The handsome man” pattern

99% of the men who cheated are handsome.

This research suggests that handsome men are more likely to cheat then unattractive men.

If this is true, how are handsome men different from unattractive men?

Two leading evolutionary psychologists, Gangestad and Simpson suggest men pursue two different strategies: “Dads” and “Cads.”

‘Dads’ are willing to invest in a woman and her offspring in the long run.

‘Cads’ are those who are looking for thrills and likely to desert a woman after having sex.

All men want to pursue the cad strategy, period. However their choice of mating strategy is constrained by female choice.

(Men do not get to decide with whom they have sex; women do). And women disproportionately seek out handsome men for their short-term mates.

Ugly men have no choice. Since women do not choose them as short-term mates, their only option for achieving any reproductive success is to find one long-term mate and invest heavily in their children – the dad strategy.

More important, handsome men invest less in their exclusive relationships than ugly men. They are less honest and less attentive to their partners.

Side note: Women do not seek sexual variety because their reproductive success does not increase by having sex with large number of partners. In fact, given the limited number of children they can have in their lifetimes (25 pregnancies), the potential cost of having sex with the wrong partner is far greater for women than it is for men.

Am I then suggesting that women should date unattractive men because they are less likely to cheat? Not necessarily.

How might a woman discriminate between ‘dads’ and ‘cads’ then?

I would say investment.

  Investment: Diamonds are a girl’s best friend

A good dad must possess two qualities:

The ability to acquire and accumulate resources.

And the willingness to invest in her and her children.

A good way to screen for men who are simultaneously able and willing to invest is to demand an expensive gift.

Would any expensive gifts do? A designer handbag? A Mercedes-Benz? A house in the suburbs?

No, these gifts will not do.

For the purpose of screening dads from cads, the gift must not only be costly, but also lack intrinsic value.

Diamonds make excellent courtship gifts because they are simultaneously very expensive and lack intrinsic value.

No man (or woman) can be inherently interested in diamonds; you cannot use them, you cannot drive them, you cannot live in them, you cannot do anything with them.

Side note: Men must also screen their mates. Extravagant gifts have the added benefit for men of deterring “gold diggers”.

The key is to communicate.

  Q: Why do men not communicate or share their feelings?

Now you’re talking my language!

In the history of mankind, there has never been a time when there has been this amount of people alive simultaneously.

So, in a world of seven billion people (men being the majority), what becomes the greatest skill you can posses?

I would argue that it is the ability to communicate. To be social.

I see it all the time: a lack of communication in relationships: couples out for dinner with not a word to say to each other!

It’s one of the main reasons why initial dating never flourishes into deep meaningful relationships.

It’s not that men don’t communicate or share their feelings; you must be able to understand different types of men, read them, adapt and work together with them to get them on your side.

You must…

  Speak his language

What I am about to share with you is not only a secret, it is a super power!

“It is not the strongest or the smartest that survive, it is the most adaptable” - Charles Darwin

People are different but not as different as you think. You must posses the skill to understand, relate and get the best out of your man.

Let’s break down the types:

Practical men are slower. They’re planners (“Let’s meet in two weeks, Friday at 7pm”). They’re men who like numbers and money. The downside is that they’re not super changeable. They have a plan and stick to it.

Action men like to do things. (“Come on let’s make things happen, let’s go!”). Action people are like fire. They’re aggressive. Action men are some of the sharpest witted people out there, you can tell they’re not dumb and they know exactly what they’re doing. The downside is that they’re not patient enough.

Social men go with the flow. They have this light hippie vibe about them. Social men just like being around people, not because they want or need anything from them, they like people just for people. Social men are often a little flaky and don’t stand up for themselves.

Emotional men often hold things in. They’re a little sensitive. Emotional men are easily offended and driven by fear. They lack thick skin. On the upside, emotional men are often the most intuitive and naturally good at reading people.

Before you type the men you’re dating, you should always start with yourself first.

  What type are you dominant in?

Practical, action, social or emotional?

For me, I’m dominant Action. Followed by Practical, Emotional and lastly Social.

Now that you know the different types, the next time you’re on a date, the second you can get a handle on this, you know how to speak to him…

If he’s Practical, you know to be slow and steady, don’t be too pushy.

If he’s Action, you know it’s time to close the deal right away – Don’t play hard to get, instead say yes or ask him out!

If he’s Social, you know to befriend him, keep the conversation light, go with the flow, be spontaneous.

If he’s Emotional, connect with him, be vulnerable, open up, be sensitive – he too will open up!

Don’t take this the wrong way: I’m not saying to sit there analysing men. No. What I am saying is that it’s okay to type people and make snap assessments.

There is nothing manipulative about this.

Everyone has a bit of Practical, a bit of Action, a bit of Social and Emotional in him or her. You and I need to use them correctly with the right people.

Communication is key. You must speak his language.

  In Part 2, we’ll be talking about:

- Why men love the thrill of the chase? - Why men make women their last priority? - Why men retreat to their caves?

What’s the biggest thing I can help you with?

Talk soon, Kamey

Follow Priya Mulji here: http://priyamulji.com/