YOU'RE SOAKING IN IT.

🦂 🔞

[dailyquests]

Close your Eyes and Seize It.

[sinetoning]

i am fucking ruptured y’all. i’m not good. like i am “behaving” pretty normally and doing the things i should/want to be doing and giving myself plenty of room to simply not do them, but there is not shit to be done for this. completely lost sight of all of my goals, visions for the future, values in love and how to live a life

right now there is a marked lack of the constant impending doom fear that usually accompanies [pretty much any grief thing], but what i do feel is so, so alone. i feel like an actual child. not even any hokey “inner child” shit but like i’m sharing my adult brain with the serious, melancholy, sweet and deeply WEIRD child i was and we are both reacting in unison. i am disturbingly similar to both of my parents and this has been always been a source of pride and deep pain, it forces me to see myself and i do not like seeing it from this particular angle. 

[sinetoning]

i just found out my parents are separating. it was a big surprise for one of them, it will be an even bigger surprise for my younger sibling and virtually everyone they know. i did not expect it but i am not surprised, which is fucking me up.

i’ve spent my entire adult life stewarding this writhing mass of (what i thought was self-absorbed, projected) anxiety about my parents getting divorced and what would happen. something i thought about every day, sometimes for hours at a time but absolutely never, ever verbalized because it would become real fear and not imagined fear. well…

it’s really weird to receive such awful news and already have many well-developed thoughts and opinions about it, something i always dismissed as a maladaptive fixation. not looking forward to all of those thoughts entering the general population once the shock wears off

[sinetoning]

don’t worry i’m alive :’)

[sinetoning]

On the other hand, get a grip! alienation is inevitable when you spend every last brain cell drinking from the Ludovico SEO horror machine (literal ad copy, swarms of keywords, affiliate marketing content, endless iterations of self-cannibalizing AWS link structures, participating in the real-time death of the industry itself) but it’s not real. none of it is, my relatively new skill set will soon cease to exist and i welcome it. mark my words when i say that Content is almost over

[sinetoning]

i wonder when the sleepwalking ends, when i will no longer find myself surrounded by evidence of life without living. no longer even buying silly little shit or producing a sink of dishes (usual indicators of life lived), just neglecting my hobbies and ignoring my family and friends (usual indicators of unliving, against living). the trash can is just a sopping mass of spent yerba mate

it isn’t actually that existential, i have worked like 150 hours in the last 3 weeks (and it might even be $worthwhile$). but the unliving doesn’t really care about that and the world does continue to notice me blindly floating through it

[sinetoning]

doss is a rare+coveted example of positive tumblrina representation. electro house for girlbloggers, electro house by girlbloggers. It’s the music.

[sinetoning]

very few “2010s festival EDM cinematic universe guys” emerged from the Pandemic Clout Reset / Great Cancellation w/ my respect and continued interest, but the ones who did: 

1. had some sort of epiphany about the nature of Derivative Works + pivoted to making earnest “love letter to [their fav genre]” tunes

2. started doing it for the gays and girls (or became the gays and girls)

3. did something to make themselves less palatable to bros, the music industry, Fandom, etc. 

[sinetoning]

A collaborative mixtape spanning three decades of rave and acid.

[internet-sentences]

[jaoxn]

[sinetoning]

huge day for all the big gay acid/house doggys out there

[sinetoning]

[sinetoning]

huge day for all the big gay acid/house doggys out there

[sinetoning]

having a wild time trying to parse ANY reference to “what johms hongins is doing rn” and what the political aim is... i’ve had to see that sorry son of a bitch every day of my life + it’s coming from all sides online! they’re always embroiled in some untold # of concurrent scandals, but this week is making my head spin: - undeterred by 5 years of overwhelming opposition from a united front of community, students, faculty, etc, hopkimps makes another shameless attempt at “seeking community approval” for the private police force - uh oh, honkins could lose its accreditation for “conditions that pose a risk to patient safety” - hopgins deigned a disgusting woke progressive institution by proIife freaks after Abrams comment (idk how this happened) - hompkins threatens to sever its contract w/ BCBS (the largest insurer in the area) for not increasing their rates enough. if they do it, hodgkins becomes out of network for over a third (?) of bmore and also its own EMPLOYEES? - horkins is randomly selected for “GC bomb-threatened children’s hospital of the day”

[sinetoning]

i'm ☆ the ☆ young ☆ est! se ☆ xy! real girls fall! fake girls talk! real girls shake! fake girls hate!

[sinetoning]

i made my first tumbler (2008?) to save LATFH posts, dyke porn and pictures of “lesbian haircuts.” then i remade (2009?) to forge a new Genderqueer identity. today i have been on testoblerone for one year and i'm feeling indulgent about it! you will never get a “my voice X hours on T” transition timeline tho, not my style and that is the oliver promise. 

body: 

My dick fat as fuck.

favorite developments: my VOICE, my face shape, having a bit of visible muscle (and the improved pain/proprioception/energy that comes with it), the new chub contours, fuzzy belly, the pheromone

facial hair is decidedly not for me. still assessing how i feel about my shocking amount of body hair, scent, some fat redistribution. i don’t Dislike any of it -- at worst, it breaks even with the stuff i didn’t like when i was not on hormones. i’ve had terrible acne all my life, so whatever

my high pain tolerance has soared to disturbing new heights, i am a danger to myself sometimes LMAO. i reach into the skillet of hot oil and feel nothing

everything happened so, so quickly!? not even in comparison to other people or any of my own expectations (well-informed, IMO: i once had a summer gig teaching “trans competency” to shithead medical professionals, social workers, pre-law students etc. and spent 12 years in close quarters w/ dozens of people going on and off T), but i was still shocked how much work my “micro dose” did in the first couple of months and how much more has happened on that same dose :O of course, caveat for “living in constant uncomfortable bodily awareness makes it very easy to notice small changes”

my period really ruined my entire life for 10 days to months on end and resisted every single treatment attempt... just to go out PITIFUL after 2 months of low dose T!? i’m SO grateful!!!!

brain:

EMOTIONAL REGULATION? wow! i feel complex about how the highs and lows have been blunted, but it’s not like i feel “less” -- the dial just moves slower + doesn’t register smaller changes. i’ve been a hypervigilant Raw Fuckin Nerve my entire life, so i had sensitivity to spare and this is arguably the biggest quality of life change aside from reduced pain lol

i don’t regret waiting. i probably would have been just as happy if i followed thru back in 2011, i’ll never know -- i felt equally confident in / haunted by my decision to NOT take it and i suspect i would’ve felt similarly if i DID, i’m just like that!! there’s nothing left to haunt me now, even the possibility of deciding T isn’t for me further down the line. that actually sounds pretty fun :) 

hormones did not radically alter my "gender identity” or presentation (aside from how my body shape changing = certain cuts and styles are fair game for the first time ever). i’ve left myself open to this, but i’m relieved that it hasn’t. those things have grown with me over the years and will continue to do so, but changing my hormone situation did not produce “better” self-knowledge than like, living my entire adult life as a transgender person among other transgender people. if anything, it has further solidified the defining feature of my gender, which is apathy dressed in monochromatic, comfortable and fag-of-center clothing with bright accents.

[sinetoning]

i’m sorry, i cannot believe Nair Bud has ~2k notes. this has been on my mind all day long. it is impossible to decree a single post as my personal favorite or most influential to my brain wiring, but that one is in top 5.

[powerviolencebutch]