orange's vent blog

he/him🍊clean since 4/3/24🍊 autistic, chronically ill, depressed, anxious mess

[piercetheaspenn-deactivated2024]

I don’t wanna cut BUT THE PARASITES IN ME WANT TO

[slicedorange]

if you could kill your younger self, would you?

would you be the judge and executioner for someone who used to be you?

as much as i would like to believe that i could show myself mercy,

i know i could not.

it is not the mercy i deserve.

[slicedorange]

birthday in 6 days and yet i dont. deserve to do anything for it. i am so Fucked. even if i manage to get everything back there is still no guarantee that i can go back to school. my finances are awful and i haven't done anything about it.

i need to get a job but all i can bring myself to do is play games and watch tv. i really Am Worthless

[orivu]

youve died a thousand times before who caaares just climb out of this grave again & again &agaian & agaian & again & again & aga

[stuckinapril]

[femmeidiot]

built different (too sensitive to survive)

[slicedorange]

i missed you slicedorange vent blog. slicedorange vent blog save me

[curse-this-silent-voice]

Doing school work while being passively suicidal is so weird. It's all like

"Why am I doing this shit when I'm probably going to be gone by 30... oh wait, I might not be, so might as well do it"

"God, I can't figure out how to make this sentence make sense. Gotta take a break because this is making me wanna die even more rn"

"If I just... keeled over right now, I wouldn't have to go in there and write. Omg please"

"Not gonna lie, I'm only doing this for my therapist, my parents and my teacher"

*minor inconvenience like laptop not starting* "oh, is this a sign to give up and end it all??"

[hpdfag-moved-deactivated2024070]

i might be doing really terrible on the emotional regulation front but in my defense ive had a gaping hole in my chest since i was 12

[vixen-angel]

purposely putting yourself in danger, or being visibly sad so maybe someone might ask if youre doin alright.. but then nobody bats an eye.

[slicedorange]

i dont deserve anything. i dont deserve to have the things i do. i dont deserve to feel joy or happiness or have friends. i dont deserve to eat and i dont deserve to live. i dont deserve to be loved.

[slicedorange]

hey team👍 last year has been one of the best of my life. i moved out and started college. made wonderful friends and found a community. but here i am. right back on shblr.

i fucked everything up. im on academic probation and if i dont figure something out i will have to stop going. i cannot afford to go if i lose my scholarships.

being home for the summer is already too much. if i have to go back to living at home this WILL be the end. i cant do this shit.

the only reason i am "still clean" is because it would be pretty obvious if i wasnt.

im eorry this post probably doesnt make wny sense but i just am not in a good place at all. i don't want to do this anymore. i cant keep doing this

[mentallystrawberry]

why am i so insignificant in the lives of those who are yet so significant to mine

[slicedorange]

wish i could listen to s*m sm*th without having a panic attack. even being played in passing, seeing their name. all i can think is the times i was m*lested to their music. all i can feel is the way he touched me and the way he smelled.

[depressedvibe]

If I'm going to feel this way for the rest of my life I'd rather not live at all.

[pinkpeachleaf]

the fact autistic people have an average life expectancy of about 40 makes me so fucking sad

I think about that every single day of my life. I don’t want to die, but I can also heavily heavily understand why we don’t last long on this earth. It’s not a world designed for us, and most people don’t want to understand us or make accommodations.

I don’t want to live 50+ more years on this planet being misunderstood and overwhelmed. But I also have a huge fear of dying and this being the only life we have.

:(

[pinkpeachleaf]

the fact autistic people have an average life expectancy of about 40 makes me so fucking sad

I think about that every single day of my life. I don’t want to die, but I can also heavily heavily understand why we don’t last long on this earth. It’s not a world designed for us, and most people don’t want to understand us or make accommodations.

I don’t want to live 50+ more years on this planet being misunderstood and overwhelmed. But I also have a huge fear of dying and this being the only life we have.

:(