How can you love people and fear people at the same time. Apparently, you can if you are dependant-avoidant, you want to be next to people yet you fear that they will hurt you so you keep your distance lest you get hurt later . When I found out I was this person, I realised that the reason I keep some people away and some not lies specifically in the idea that people who make you anxious are not worth being with. The minutes I spend staring at the texts of people I care about while making every single possibility of why they were unable to respond. I look at little signs of rejection and get as far away from people as possible. Apparently, days and nights are all equal and my questions keep piling up. There is this huge weighted butterfly on my chest that keeps fluttering, every move of its wings felt by me in waves, heavy enough to stop functioning of every other organ in my body. It directs all my focus at my chest, slowly letting me have my breath back like it is a chore that I am tired of doing. So I desensitise, once, then twice, thrice and four times till I am able to see them and have the butterfly stay still, as if in alarm, afraid that its move will be tracked by them too. Another fear of embarrassment and shame. The trained butterfly gets used to them and I forget about its presence until something mildly inconvenient happens and that butterfly lets go of every inhibition to deal with it. Back to ground zero. But I will live, I will survive by being away from anything that makes the butterfly shudder. I will survive, I thought but I don't want to. I want someone to be friends with the butterfly, to get it on the tips of their fingers like meeting the oldest friend, the one it will recognise and not be afraid of. That is how I'll know I have fallen for the right person. The one who will lift me up and levitate me.
dededos
areudirty
janainaart
theartofmadeline
titsay
