unfiltered thoughts

[crimsolyn]

me trying to act normal and funny while losing the spark for almost everything.

[sliverofglimmer]

Why did you have to be so honest?

[crimsolyn]

me trying to act normal and funny while losing the spark for almost everything.

[sliverofglimmer]

Instagram might be the root of all laziness

[maymeteorite]

me: :(

the moon: 🌙

me: :)

[sliverofglimmer]

The reason for never wanting or liking sex for itself was simple....pleasure is in the mind....but so was comfort...it was actually in my personality to want more of the second than the first. Intimacy is what characterises it....the tight hand holds that tell you, "I'm here" without words, the hug that hides you away from all the pain inside of you, the caress on your head that calms your mind and the hold around your waist that signals protection. One may argue that this can happen during sex as well but not devoid of pleasure, not devoid of an outcome that strives to bring pleasure more than comfort. Not in the way that makes comfort important but rather it is the way in which comfort is seen as a road to a better sex. I want it the other way around..from the intimacy to safety. I do not know if anyone else shares this feeling...if anyone ever will.

[sliverofglimmer]

There is this conviction which I convince myself is hope, that anyone who knew how my mind worked, the consideration behind my thoughts and actions, the way I see things that others fail to notice, the way I understand a person's deepest fears and never talk about it directly....the way I ignore the things they are trying to hide deliberately...the way I constantly remain there for them when they want me and the way I feel each of their emotion and its circumstance without talking. If anyone knew all this about me, they would not be able to not love me. For a matter, I know that I can get love by loving the way I love.... unconditionally. I could accept a person who refuses to accept themselves or someone who does not even feel respected by the others. I could do it and willingly. But the reason I hold back on love is because I don't want it to be a reaction to my love, but to my being. I don't want someone who likes me because I love them. I want someone who loves me just because it's me, I am myself. I want a person who thinks thoughts and realises that I occupied them and someone who like me, finds themselves silently admiring. Maybe this is the kind of love that prevents me from giving my heart out carelessly. This is the kind of pain that keeps me pain free. The price of loneliness was always high so I raised my expectations to match the strive.

[sliverofglimmer]

All this rage for the women like me, the citizens of the country like mine, the system that runs deep in the language of corruption not love, the people they want to curb....it will never die. ..not until my voice is alive.

[sliverofglimmer]

When I see his likes on piano reels but he told me once to listen to piano sounds when I feel anxious as he does that when he feels the same.....

[sliverofglimmer]

People on instagram who like my pictures but not my voice when I speak against injustice and political issues, the ones who sideline when it is not about something that truly matters to them, beyond my body, my mind—these are the people who truly boil my blood. My skin is more important than my thoughts, my hugs are more comforting than my ideas and then there are those who feel entitled to my being which would never be subjected to their ideologies.

[ioshk]

Wanna be vague posted about :c

[sliverofglimmer]

The mood right now. Yes. Yes. Yes. No. No. No.

Gosh. It is hitting me again.

[sliverofglimmer]

I genuinely believe I hate the needy version of me, the one who craves attention, the one who overthinks, the one who wants the quick replies, the one who desires intimacy and waits anxiously for a text. Did you know the true reason why all my notifications are off is not as zen as they might think it is. The tolerant me, the subtlety, the loopholing into a fallacious imagery....I wish I could let go of these.

I wish I could hide under my own skin and pretend to be tough, to be okay with your hypothetical silent judgements of me.

[sliverofglimmer]

Btw, if anyone knew about the professor story who gives us too much to do in too little time and treats college as corporate. Well good news, I turned it into a corporate so now I get paid for the torture, wohooo. I signed up for a role that can give me money and now I am not dobby. I am a human who earns her own bread. Damn, even hearing that makes me feel good.

[sliverofglimmer]

And all the times I just come and speak my mind out on tumblr after days of not saying anything is just what a storm preparing to wreck the area that it will hit feels like. I have so much that I think and suppress that at times, it just flows like rain after a huge period of summery drought. Mumbai teaches me that about life. The extremes as if I was already not about it. Pain and care are just other ways of living life. Expression and depth is another. Well, I love this part of me just as much as I love that other part of me.

[sliverofglimmer]

I wonder if the one time that love finds me, will it be grander than all the times I have imagined it, lived it in my head or wished for it?

I hope it placates every single doubt I have ever had about its existence and makes me feel all the emotions I had assumed were foreign.

I hope when love finds me, it makes me stop in the depth of emotions and not the fear of moving forward.

I hope it sticks around for long enough that I forget all the wait it took for me to find it.

I hope my last breath is followed by the realisation of the fact that I lived a life full of love.

[sliverofglimmer]

I hope that I never have to segregate in my own self, the person who has to seem professional while listening to other's stories and the one who can feel those stories as deeply for themselves in this lifetime. I don't want to tell the people that I understand their pain while finding it difficult to talk about mine. I don't want to be the kind of therapist who teaches people to face vulnerability while hiding her own behind a mask of strength. I want to break and mend just as much as I want people to open up in front of me with all their heart and soul. I want a human exchange of emotion, not a robotic understanding of its origin and consequence. I want to hear to understand, not to only analyse and give direction. I want people to talk about things that they are unable to talk about when they are with others because with me, they feel heard and understood. I want to give the space and a healing heart that I had to fetch for myself. Is it too much to ask for? Why is our field shown to be filled with people who become desensitised and depraved? I want to be the kind of therapist whose presence is remembered more than words.

[sliverofglimmer]

I wanna act like a child and tell him things like can we talk more often? Or like, are you tired of talking to me. But my hands won't type anything and I dont want to constantly initiate and I feel sad when we go days without talking because he is not initiating. I post pictures for him to see but he is obviously just a friend who I am attached to.