gotta love the people in the notes doing the thing op is criticizing. “that’s just life, things change and you need to adapt” and “friendships have ebbs and flows, they aren’t static” and “people get swept up in romantic relationships but will come back when they realize their romantic partner cannot fill their every need” and “i love my best friend but i have a romantic partner and they do come before my best friend that’s just how it is.”
babes. we should not just accept this as normal and okay and healthy. analyze why it’s so absurd and confusing to you for someone to suggest maybe you should value your friends and maybe you don’t need to have a hierarchy of relationships. friendships are indeed not static, but “i have a romantic partner so now you don’t matter” isn’t the natural and normal ebbs and flows of friendship, it’s the amatonormative belief that friends are only important until romance comes into the picture—that friendship is a mere placeholder for the real thing.
(ever notice how common it is in media for someone to have an established “best friend” but then that title goes to their romantic partner to emphasize their elevated importance? this is a reflection of the belief that your romantic partner not only has to be the most important relationship, but should also encompass all kinds of relationships within it—your sexual/romantic partner and best friend wrapped in one—an approach to relationships that ultimately dooms both platonic and romantic relationships by “expecting too little” from the former and “expecting too much” from the latter. also, if “best friend” is less than “spouse,” why is it imperative that your spouse also be your best friend?)
the implication of folks being clingy or codependent or unrealistic for wanting their friends to not sideline their relationship of years for a romantic partner they met two seconds ago is the problem. we should be making time and space in our lives for all of our relationships, not just the romantic ones. because that’s what it is healthy and fair. and if you sideline your friends to make your romantic relationship the center of your world, only to realize that your romantic partner can’t possibly (and shouldn’t have to) fill all of your needs and you actually need friends in your life in a meaningful way, well, don’t expect them to have just been waiting around for you to realize their value.
and realize that this isn’t just a thing on a personal level. it’s not as simple as "oh your best friend prioritizes her husband over you? just make him your new best friend too! problem solved!" it’s bigger than that. romantic relationships, particularly marriages, are systematically privileged over other relationships: “amatonormativity intersects with other forms of oppression, especially gay and lesbian oppression and women’s oppression, to impose steep costs. amatonormativity is itself systematic in a way characteristic of oppression: legal penalties and discrimination interlock with social pressures and discrimination, stereotyping in the media, workplace discrimination, consumer pricing, and children’s education.” statistics show that married couples are less connected to their friends, family, and community than those who are single, and that not having a network of relationships outside of romance can lead to poorer health outcomes. this is more than your attempts to make people look ridiculous for being upset that their friend's spouse comes before them.
and more importantly, realize that romance being the most important kind of love is a modern concept. there are point in history and different cultures where platonic relationships were not so degraded—where they were treated with the love and passion and care and prioritization that has now come to be reserved for romantic love; where they were considered and treated as beloved family, not disposable side characters; where they would take on roles now only associated with family or spouses; where they were even referred to with language now considered exclusively romantic. so the argument of “of course romantic partners come first, that’s just how life is” doesn't hold up. that’s “how it is” because that’s how people make it. it is not naturally occurring; it doesn’t just play out like that.
we can change it if we so choose. if you don’t want your friends to have such importance in your life, just say that. don’t try to rewrite history or make people out to be dramatic or too much for wanting the people in their lives to value them. (and even if you don’t want that for your life, you should not only full heartedly support others doing so, but also advocate for changes that allow others to live the lives they want without unnecessary societal and legal barriers.)
if anyone is interested, minimizing marriage: morality, marriage, and the law by elizabeth brake (the book “amatonormativity” is coined in) and the other significant others: reimagining life with friendship at the center by rhaina cohen are good reads on this topic.
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