Behind my back molar, my wisdom tooth presses upward- insistent, blind. It catches on the soft inner flesh I have already worried into scar, a small, private violence repeated until it feels inevitable. There is a dull intelligence to the pain. It reminds me I am still tethered here: the ache in my chest, low and resonant, pulling me back each time I begin to thin at the edges. Beneath my gums, a slow warmth gathers, tender and patient. If this is to resemble a drifting, dissociative high, I find myself resisting its incompleteness. If this is to be akin to a depersonalizing ketamine high, bring me the full surrender. To dissolve cleanly. To foam alongside the breaking waves.
I often think of Thetis, mother of Achilles. Worn down by the world and its grief, leaving her son and her mortal life to return to the Aegean. There is nothing gentle in that departure, nothing that consoles, but something about her resignation endeared me to her. As a child something about her suicide and her son's wet eyes, his vision blurred by salt and distance, unable to distinguish her form from the water that swallowed it, made her incredibly seductive to me.
Though the story isn't my favourite of Ovid's (that title goes to the story of Narcissus & Echo). The thought of her always lingers in my mind when i feel the death of something approach. A devastating end to all that was mine, though not to keep. And it makes me think of Leuce. I think of harbouring all those connections and feelings and all other intangible and material things eroded, by time, by distance, by the slow attrition of being alive. And i think of dragging them to a Leuce of my own. Like Thetis to her dying son's body
And when her myth comes to me in moments of grief that turn me to a vessel of resonance, i feel like a glowering light, borderless and yet so vivid. Like a pain- with no body, but with pulsing surety. Like the tender pain of a wisdom tooth pushing up against the tender underbelly of my gums. Obsolete in its existence and yet pursuant in its release. Asking to be felt, asking to be released.
I want a vape lowk- i don't feel like a cig has what i need rn, i need the overwhelmingly cloy taste of aspartame or sucralose something i can just mindlessly binge on. I don't want to go into the open cold for a cig. Also i lost my phone yesterday in an uber as i was going to a party and at this party had a man willing to be pegged by me and also made out with a girl who surprisingly knew how to kiss. I didn't realise how disappointing making out with people is when you don't feel anyway towards them. I was expecting to be excited? very underwhelming, no fault on her part, she was very pretty. I guess i just don't care for a fling of any sort. #hannah please come back.
I also lost my keys to enter my house and rather than telling my flatmates i have been climbing up my fire escape and crawling onto my balcony -very precariously- to get inside. Spidermasc.
I also learn about what is popular on tumblr by going onto the tags and spamming random letters and seeing what comes up. For example what is Istoria sssr?? we are going to find out!
tangentwithtanner
prguitarman
izzy806
dededos
origamiaround
snowghoul
