Happy. Cheerful. Angelic. Helpful. Selfless. Caring. Positive. Those are the words everyone had always used to refer to you. Those are the words you'd gotten used to hear. Those are the words you tried to live up to every day.
¿A friend is having a hard time? ¡They should call you! ¿Someone's going through a breakup? ¡You give the best advice! ¿Need anyone to talk to? ¡You are the person for the job!
It was almost as if you were living for everyone else.
And today was not different.
As soon as Hyunjin saw you walk into the cafeteria he was already all over you.
"¿Did you read my messages last night?" Yes. "¿Was that enough information?" Even too much, for your liking. "¿What should I do? ¡Y/N what should I do!" Hyunjin cried as he tugged in your sleeve.
That's what you wanted to say.
"Maybe... You should try and talk to her. Understand her side too. You're focusing too much in what you want, I don't think you're listening to her." You simply answered as you took a sit next to your other friends.
Changbin eyed you curiously. Even though you had answered Hyunjin, it had just sounded.... empty. Cold even. He decided he would ask you later if everything was ok. He had noticed you being out of yourself for a few days now.
You see, the problem was that there was always something more important than you.
Swim team practice, band rehearsal, football trials, even dance presentations.
Of course you knew they didn't do it on purpose, they didn't forget about you on purpose, but it was getting too much and everyday you felt a little closer to losing it. To breaking.
Because no matter how much you looked like an angel, or acted selfless, or seemed to be happy, you were just a regular, average, ordinary person too.
And you really, REALLY, didn't want to snap, especially through the phone, but you were at home, it had been a long day, you just wanted to relax a little, forget about everyone's problems including your own, and Chan complaining over how this other dude in the swim team had broken his record just seemed too little of a problem compared to other things going through your head. And you just couldn't handle it anymore.
While Chan was in the middle of his petty ranting, you ended the call. And boy, you would love to say it felt great, but in reality you just felt like a shitty friend.
¿How could you do that to him? ¿To them?
You don't know when did the tears start falling down your cheeks, but a sudden wave of relief washed over you as you let yourself cry your eyes out that afternoon.
You guess you fell asleep in the middle of your breakdown, because next thing you knew you were being waken up by the sound of your alarm signaling it was time for classes again. It had been like that for a while now. Whenever you were feeling down or suffocated you would end up crying and eventually falling asleep. In the last month you had found yourself waking up in your bathroom or kitchen floor at least five times.
Taking a deep breath you checked your phone before getting out of your couch. There were not only missed calls from Chan but also millions of messages from all your friends. And you honestly didn't have the energy to answer them right now.
In fact, you didn't have the energy to get out of the house.
With a deep sigh you made your way to your room and plopped back in bed. Skipping classes sounded like a great plan today.
It was just a few hours later that you were woken up again, this time by your bell ringing non-stop.
Clumsily you made your way to your front door, not expexting to find Changbin, Chan and Minho standing there once you opened it.
You noticed the frowning in their faces go soft at the sight of you. You were still wearing yesterday clothes, that much you knew. But your guess was that your most likely blood shot eyes gave away your actual state. Without a single word you moved away, letting them in, and then the four of you made your way to the living room.
"¿What's wrong?" Changbin was the first to speak, his eyes fixed on yours from across the room where he was sitting with Chan. You only shrugged, not sure what answer was he expecting to get.
"Don't do that, don't just shrug us away, Y/N." This time Minho spoke from beside you. He was sat close enough to comfort you but far enough to not give you any unwanted attention.
"I don't know what you want me to say. ¿I stay home one day and suddenly something's wrong with me? I'm fine." Your words come out colder and sharper than you intended, but the truth was you didn't feel like telling them. You didn't feel like they cared enough, and even if they did, you didn't think they should.
"Bullshit, ¡You hung up on me yesterday!" Chan's voice was loud, but not mad. Was loud, but full of concern. "Y/N just tell us what's wrong so we can help you. Pushing us away and shutting in yourself is so not like you-" He found himself being cut out by the scoff you let out.
That was it, you didn't know why or how, but the words just started to flow.
"¿'So not like me'? ¿YOU are going to tell me what I am like? ¡What do you even know about me! ¡All of you! You guys never notice when something's wrong, ¡You never even take the time to ask if I'm ok! Tell me, ¿How did you notice I wasn't there today? ¿What did you need from me that I wasn't there to provide? I am so tired of this. And I love you guys, don't get me wrong. I love helping you and you mean the entire world to me, ¡But I have problems too! Sometimes it just feels like you only want me to help you solve your shit and then I'm not important anymore and... And it just sucks because I care too much and I don't feel like I matter to anyone enough..."
The room was quiet. Fresh tears were redrawing the old path left on your cheeks. You weren't strong enough to look at them, but you could feel the three pairs of eyes burning you. Trying to calm down your cries you sniffled and took a deep breath ready to speak again.
"I'm sorry" Minho said before anyone else as he rushed to hug you. "I am so sorry... We... We never..." You could hear how his voice broke and could feel how his hands trembled a little on your back. Last thing you wanted was for them to cry too.
It would be a lie saying that the conversation died there. Truth is the three boys sat still and listened to you go through all your problems just as you always did with them. You did cry a few more times, you did complain, a lot, about them. But, at the end of the day, the four of you knew that you would be ok. All of you. They not only comforted you, but understood you, and that was all you wanted all along, right?
hhhhhhhh i based it off of personal experiences so i hope this is what you wanted anon :] please request again anytime! I know the ending is kinda shitty but honestly I would have loved for my friendships to turn out like that. This may have a lot of mistakes but it's 6am and I'm just out of a huge writers block, I'm SORRY.
Please remember that for a friendship to work there must be interest and effort from both ends. From all ends! If you're the only one who cares, if you're the only one who's always there, if people only take from you and you feel drained, maybe you should look into it and decide if it's a positive relationship or not.
Don't let yourself be manipulated into thinking you should accept what they want to give you. KNOW your worth and fight for it, always! ♡
