Magic Homeslice

Vet nurse. Dublin. Cis female. She/her. Bi/Pan. Cats, kink, veterinary and tumblr oddities. NSFW

[tofixtheshadows]

It’s come to my attention that I have not yet made a post about Farmer’s Market Hot™.  

Farmer’s Market Hot is a specific kind of aesthetic that is the result of me watching Orphan’s Black and trying to describe the hotness of Cal to others.

See my point?

Farmer’s Market Hot is a wholesome kind of hot. Rugged but approachable. It’s not the kind of hot where you immediately go, “Oh my god they’re so perfect, I want to take them home and photograph them/tear their clothes off.” That’s for later.

This is the kind of hot for people who would visit the farmer’s market to buy some organic cheeses on their way to pick up their kids from their Creativity Through Music class. It’s the look that says “I’m here to support our local beekeepers.” You see them and it makes you want to settle down. You want to do your taxes with them, raise dogs together.

It’s borderline hipster without the elitism and irony, borderline country without the sound of Tim McGraw. If they’re white, racist shit like dreads automatically disqualifies them.

Guys will most likely be stubbly, or bearded, but not to the point of lumberjack. Think Chris Evans in between Marvel movies.

Pictured: a man who wants to buy artisan bread from a stall and be polite to the merchants.

Imagine a woman with a sunflower tattoo, wearing a high-low dress and clunky dependable boots, holding a dog’s leash while she waits at the knife sharpening booth. Imagine a man wearing flannel and holding a baby while talking about ethical alternatives to quinoa.

Farmer’s Market Hot™.

Add this to your vocabulary.

[nourgelitnius]

It’s that time of the year again, so I felt the need to bring this back.

[blackhorseandthecherrytree]

farmer’s market hot

[feralkwe-deactivated20210912]

the quality content i am here for

[vampiresandbunnies-deactivated2]

I can’t not post this gif now

[cracked]

Why Everything You Know About Vikings Is A Lie

[werebearbearbar]

True story - There are historical accounts (well, there’s at least one historical account) in which English people whine about how the Norse men bathe so often they’re able to seduce the local women away from their husbands.

[systlin]

^^^ Yep. Turns out the women were way more into the hot well groomed muscular dudes who liked to smell nice.

[kasaron]

*Hot, well groomed men who liked to smell nice and knew their way around sharp objects.

[systlin]

“I just don’t know why you couldn’t marry a local boy sweetie.” 

“What can I say dad, Hjalmar bathes regularly, smells nice, has shoulders, can wield a sword and can wield his sword ifyaknowwhatImean, and when he comes back from raids likes to shower me in rare gifts from overseas. Look at this necklace! The amber beads came from the lands of the Rus! Also, he’s teaching me how to shoot a bow and use a spear because he thinks it might be nice if I could go on raids too someday.”

[emmeetslawschool]

I mean, frankly, if I wasn’t already married, I would marry Hjalmar, too.

[sosuperawesome]

Macarons by Ayseyamanbutikpasta on Instagram

Follow So Super Awesome on Instagram

[glutenfreeformyownsanity]

Bitch what the absolute

FUCK

[cursed-eternity]

Whoa my aesthetic

[lady-halibuts-chambers]

CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

[hynpos]

and persephone is back to getting dicked down by hades in the underworld

[swingsetindecember]

bold of you to assume she’s not doing the dicking 

[muffinrag]

“Hades is a bottom” is not the hot take I was expecting to see on my dash today, but I think it’s the one I needed

[ocdevelopmentstuff]

Me, very loudly, while sticking my neck out: Gosh, I hope no vampires bite me. That’d suck. Being bitten by a vampire, that is. Boy, I sure do hope there are no vampires waiting to come out and bite me while my neck is so open and exposed like this. I’d sure hate to have that happen. 

[weeb-dweeb]

Do you want to *be* a vampire or are you so touch starved you need a creature of the night to mouth fuck your neck

[ocdevelopmentstuff]

Yes.

[spacedlexi]

if anyone would like to learn a couple tricks for carving pumpkins:

- dont cut out the top to scoop out the seeds, cut out the bottom instead. this way the pumpkin doesnt cave in on itself and lasts longer - sprinkle some cinnamon inside at the top after carving. this way when you put the candle in it smells like pumpkin pie

[topsiders-tanlines]

this is the quality content I wanna see on my dash

[spider-hands-mannos-deactivated]

- rub the i sides with lemon after you’re done scooping. This will also help preserve the pumpkin

[dashaibo]

It’s fucking June, at least wait until the fourth of July, you animal.

[frowningfox]

I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of me disemboweling this pumpkin.

[demimonde-semigoddess]

Yet another installment in humans being fuckin weird compared to aliens: humans give blood, organs, and tissue to each other, because our race is built around being able to function under as much stress as possible.

So of course, what do we do when another human will die without something we could live without? We go to our local hospital and undergo trauma to provide them with it, for no compensation.

Sure you might need to eat and drink more, take antibiotics or anti rejection drugs, but hey!

B'ril over there had to wait until HIS race figured out stem cells and lab grown organs, because ALL their organs are vital, and losing a pint of fluid flat out kills them or sends them into shock.

[teaboot]

“You… you lost… your toxin filters?”

“Well, we’ve got a few things that do that, but yeah, like… four of them?”

“….Four?”

“Well, counting tonsils.”

“You are… How are you alive, again?”

“You make it sound so weird. I still have two kidneys- One’s synthetic, the other was donated.”

“…….donated?”

“Yeah, my girlfriend was compatible.”

“Donated.”

“….Yeah? Like, we had the same blood type and everything, and she volunteered. What, you guys don’t do that? What do you do when someone needs a liver, or something?”

“We… clone one.”

“Okay, sure, but what did you do before cloning? You didn’t just like, give someone a piece?”

“….. we died? Wait, what do you mean, ‘give someone a piece’?”

“Well, our livers can grow back. You can give someone a piece of yours, and they can grow their own. You guys don’t do that?”

“,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,………..no.”

[queerical]

#organ donation is almost real-life necromancy#reduce reuse recycle except with corpses (via @iron-sulfur-world)

[randomslasher]

I absolutely adore these ‘humans are the hardiest aliens’ stories. 

[devourfrombeneath]

the neighborhood kids are gonna love me

[havingbeenbreathedout]

I feel the need to reply to this with an image of the wallpaper that @greywash and I seriously considered putting behind the wood stove in our new place:

[ofools]

Sometimes I remember that there’s a massive beef in the paleontological community between Jack Horner and Robert Bakker and it’s so big that when they both worked as advisers on the Jurassic Park films, Spielberg made 2 characters based on them and had a T. rex eat Bakker’s character as a favour to Horner.

[ofools]

“The bearded paleontologist Dr. Robert Burke, who is eaten by a Tyrannosaurus rex in Steven Spielberg’s film The Lost World: Jurassic Park, is an affectionate caricature of Bakker.

In real life, Bakker has argued for a predatory T. rex, while Bakker’s rival paleontologist Jack Horner views it as primarily a scavenger.

According to Horner, Spielberg wrote the character of Burke and had him killed by the T. rex as a favor for Horner. After the film came out, Bakker recognized himself in Burke, loved the caricature, and actually sent Horner a message saying, ‘See, I told you T. rex was a hunter!’.”

God this is still funny

[djadjamankh]

Academia is very serious

[jonsnowboard]

Creative photos from mom and her two daughters

Instagram : @allthatisshe

[rhube]

I love all three of them instantly.

[alentailleur]

This is so pure. I love it

[afronerdism]

I’m in love with the baby. Like she’s too little to take anything seriously so every photo is just cute

[elvisglasses]

[maplefiasco]

[monsterleadmehome]

THIS IS THE CUTEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN.

[ravenamore]

You left out the best part.

She left the last one at Carrie Fisher’s memorial.

[finnglas]

oh that’s fine i wasn’t using my heart anyhow

[sosuperawesome]

Grace J on Instagram

Follow So Super Awesome on Instagram

[vetmedirl]

Hobbes grew up and got to chill with all the local ladies <3 living the dream 

[deejay]

Avengers 4 (2019)

[ruinedchildhood]

[lovelyladylavie]

This is gonna be captain marvel and im gonna love every minute of it

[ruinedchildhood]

[boysbuttsandbulges]

[disneyismyescape]

Cast off the shackles of yesterday! Shoulder to shoulder into the fray!

[vaspider]

The first line was something that my siblings and I said very often as kids.

[gallusrostromegalus]

Someone in my neighborhood

has given thier child

an airhorn.

why.

[gallusrostromegalus]

Update: It is not, in fact, the Richards, who don’t actually have the surname Richard, that’s just the name of the eldest boy that I hear screamed over the fence all the time.  Richard is probably nine, maybe 10 and his younger borthers are twins of seven becuase I happened to run into them on thier birthday.  They pointedly refused to tell me thier names, instead giggling ominously after I introduced myself and running away. This is the gang of boys that I’ve had to stop from torturing small animals on more than one occasion, and whose mother is the one that gets crying-drunk on the front porch late at night.

Lovely family.

Around this time last year thier grandmother came to visit and gave them honest-to-goodness home-made black-powder Cherry bombs direct from Texas, which the boys immediately took to the most flammable patch of chaparral in the neighborhood and set off six of them at once, resulting in a small wildfire, seven emergency response units and a helicopter, a Long Stern talk from the fire department and Karen getting in a screaming match with Child Protective Services and a sizeable crater in the middle of the field.

At least according to Olivia the ER nurse and neighborhood gossip. I was out of town at the time and believe about 80% of that becuase I saw the crater where there had not been a crater a week before, and becuase karen threw a shoe at me the one time I asked if she was alright when she was having her weekly drunk-cry on the porch.

But I Digress.

The Airhorn in fact belongs to one of the ladies at the Old Folks Home.  Diane is very excited about the upcoming NBA playoffs and was having a bit of a pre-celebration in the park with her family and hadn’t realized the noise would carry.  She’s rooting for Golden State becuase that’s where her grandson goes.

[french-boat-deactivated20181217]

[slutqueensupreme]

We gon need more stories on that crazy ass family

[gallusrostromegalus]

I don’t have more stories about the Richards specifically, but now that I’ve moved out of that Extremely Strange Neighborhood, I feel free to relate some more of the Wierd Shit that went on there. Some anwers to commonly asked questions:

1. It’s been pointed out to me that Golden State is an NBA franchise and not an institution of higher learning. To be fair, Diane is 84 and in an Alzheimer’s unit, and I know fuck all about sportsball. Perhaps her grandson lives in San Francisco.  Regardless, we all had a good time and I was sent home with leftover bean dip.

2. I sometimes misspell things becuase I have multiple learning/reading disorders and Public Education in the US is terrible. I’m funny anyway.

3. Last I heard, Richard had gone to live with the other, less pyrotastic set of grandparents, so maybe there is hope for them yet.

(As always, all names have been changed to protect people’s privacy):

The neighborhood consists of a 206 pallette-swapped versions of the same three houses surrounding the largest hospital in the next six counties in any direction, surrounded immediately by three ranches on one side and roughly 100 miles of uninterrupted rocky mountain wildreness on the other.  It’s seperated from the main city (If you can call a city with only the bars and Denny’s open after 9PM a city.  Which you can’t) by a large mountain ridge and connected via a small canyon highway.  Hence, the neighborhood consists primarily of:

Middle-Class Suburban White People ™

People who’d be too poor to afford this neighborhood normally, but are subsidized by the hospital.  Olivia the ER nurse, for instance.  They’re terrific.

People with Major Medical Conditions and Their familes, who live nearby, also subsidized by The Hospital.  

Old Rural People who remember when Durango had only the train track and no paved roads and was mostly populated by cattle and will tell you they were present at the Alamo if you let them keep talking.

Wildlife that was here first and has no intention of moving.

This is a story about the first learning about the last. 

Staci-With-An-I-From-Ventura-California introduced herself to me as that while I was walking the dog by the playground, as I tried to keep her preschooler twins (there are SO MANY goddamn twins in the neighborhood.  I mean, we’re right next door to an IVF clinic BUT STILL) from jamming thier fingers up Charlie’s nose but fortunately he thinks children are hilarous and decided to lick what I sincerely hoped was jam off thier faces.

“Hi I’m [Gallus]. Hey, kids, be gentle with dogs-”

“Do you live here?”  She asks in what I would find out later is her normal interrogative voice, but sounded to my untrained ear like a member of the spanish inquisition had reccived operatic training then took up chain smoking.

“Yeah?”

Keep reading

[catsbeaversandducks]

What The Fluff Challenge: Cat Edition

“I think we broke the cat.”

Video/caption by Logan Danielle Harris 

[kindnessiseternal]

@mostlycatsmostly

[catsofinstagram]

From @sphynx.nefa: “"This cat is something else” - @__0tolerance" #catsofinstagram [source: https://ift.tt/2uMCtYU ]