eeee thank YOU for reading my midnight rambles, more like! and yeah, i forgot about the daniel radcliffe thing! and i also agree about getting rid of the anxiety about looking good out and about, makes a lot of sense. (also makes packing much easier; we love a king with a capsule wardrobe)
after reading through this i had another thing i wanted to mention, which is again based on personal experience, but really influences how i interpret tbhc and the car in addition to everything else alex has ever written/said about his stage personas. the closest thing i've ever got to that was that i cosplayed at a couple cons, as a very confident character, and the way i felt blowing kisses to cameras and whatever i imagine is kind of similar to being am!era alex. anyway. not the point.
the point is that even after all this time i still sometimes think of Peformer Me and Real Me, and i only did that for what, 10 years? i started young, and alex is a bit older than me, so i can't imagine having the double identity kind of thing for over half my life (!!!!) , still going strong, and having it even worse because he's an international star still touring constantly and all that. and he's the fuckin frontman!! even worse!
having your own cool, suave, doesn't-shit-bricks-when-on-stage version of yourself starts out as a coping mechanism, at least for me. i'm guessing for alex, too. it feels like a security blanket, or even armor when it's a tough crowd and you feel like crap. it feels like freedom, whether they love you or they don't--they don't know you! you can be brave; call out hecklers, dance like you never would even though everyone's watching, at least act like you know you're hot shit even if you don't think so, be vulnerable but not really, because they aren't seeing the Real You. and then you can go home and change and sit on the couch with your friends and take solace in the fact that you are, in fact, still you.
the problem comes when you start feeling down and lonely. suddenly that armor becomes a brick wall. it hits you hard that they don't know you. they think they love you, but they don't know you. the applause and smiles and all that are fine and dandy but it's not for you. and if you're already in kind of a shit place that really makes the whole thing worse. it's really hard to process the mental split that occurs between Real You and Performer You if Real You feels like a dumpster fire. you know when you've been upset and crying in the bathroom or something and put on a brave face go back out into the rest of the house? like that, somehow, but worse.
i just take so much solace though that bc am came into this whole thing at the same age, together, and they're still together, that it makes it easier to go through. i met my best friend as a teen and the fact that he did this with me makes it so much easier. there's literally no other person on the planet that i can say i cried on for 3 hours on a tour bus in ohio after a show. (aside: i wish i could have had as fun of a show in cleveland as tlsp did, holy shit)
and so. this is the framework that i was basing my (unfinished, probably bad) wine-fuelled essay about the entirety of the car album. thank you for coming to my ted talk. i am so sorry
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