SOME INFO FOR THE BEGINNING:
I am questioning my sexuality. I'm a bisexual (or that's what I tell my friends) but I'm questioning whether I'm actually a lesbian. I started questioning my sexuality when I was about 13 and came out as bisexual/"I could date women" when I was 14. Now that I'm 16, I have started questioning again. Bisexual doesn't and never has felt like a correct label. It just feels wrong and I just feel like it doesn't fit me. I'm also unsure if I like guys or not.
I heard about compulsory heterosexuality for the first time two weeks ago. At some point of reading the lesbian masterdoc, I realized I was a lesbian. In that moment I was so happy. My thoughts cleared up. Everything made sense. I thought I had finally found myself. I went to sleep happy and at peace.
Then I saw a dream where I was dating a guy I have a crush on and I realized I couldn't be a lesbian. I get crushes on guys and have gotten them since I was a child.
When I was in lower middle school, I never got crushes on guys untill this specific girl told me that she liked them. I never wanted to actually kiss the guys nor did I wanna date them. I mean duh, I was 7-12 years old. People that age don't wanna date or kiss anyone. Right?
In upper middle school, I got crushes on literally every guy I saw. It was confusing. I couldn't have crushes on everyone?? This was during the time I figured out I had liked girls my whole life and had a huge crush on one of my best friends.
During my whole childhood I had always gotten crushes on the girls in cartoons and I would always be super dissapointed when a guy appeared in the shows. I felt like I had to like the guys so I picked the one that was the most similar to the girl character l liked. But at the same time I also got crushes on these men in movies (Legolas, Draco Malfoy and literally every character Johnny Depp plays still have my heart). I also thought that whenever there was a guy my age in a movie, my parents would for some reason expect me to like the guy so I got really nervous and thought I liked them.
MY ATTRACTION TOWARDS MEN VS WOMEN
MEN: Whenever I like a guy, it's always someone who's popular and who every other girl has a crush on. I never have any changes with them (except maybe for one) and I like it that way. I don't know why I like them and I don't choose to have a crush on them. They just happen. I get really nervous and very insecure around my crushes. At the same time I hate them but I still have a crush on them. Whenever I look at them, I feel a spark of hate inside my heart. I feel disgusted about them and I feel like I never wanna be close to them. I have a crush on them but I never wanna talk to them even if they'd talk to me. I don't wanna kiss them. I don't wanna be friends with them. I don't wanna date them. Thinking about them makes me feel cold but the thought of them liking me back makes me feel warm. I do have sexual fantasies about them but penises repulse me and I don't think I could have sex with a man in real life. Yet I still get crushes on them.
I have never kissed a boy ever in my life nor have I ever felt like I wanna kiss one. Whenever a guy shows interest in me, I feel extremely uncomfortable. I also never have any interest in them. In middle school, a girl in my class made a family tree of my class because me and another friend (girl) had a thing where she acted like I was her mom (lol I know, kinky). In the family tree she made me marry one of the boys in my class. I didn't like that so I told her to not do that but she didn't care. I started crying in the middle of the class because I thought that I'd rather be a single mother than marry a guy. Also, once when I was like five, a guy wanted to kiss me but I didn't wanna kiss him even though I thought I liked him. I felt disgusted about the thought of a kissing him. He didn't care about my opinion and tried to kiss and undress me without my consent. It was a horrible experience but I don't wanna explain more about it right now.
WOMEN: Crushes on girls are just so wonderful. When I have a crush on a girl the emotion I feel is so powerful. I admire them so much. There's literally nothing wrong with them. They're so pretty and funny. I just look at them like 🥺😍. They always make me smile a lot and they seem like the sun and light. I wanna kiss them and hold their hand so badly. You know that feeling when you're near them and you get that tingling feeling on your lips or hande because you wanna kiss them or hold their hand so badly. Women are like the colour red, orange and yellow. They make me feel warm and excited. It's so different from liking boys.
My first kiss was actually with a girl when I was like 7. All I can say is I kissed a girl and I LOVED it. I've kissed at least two girls since that (when I was 7-10. I haven't kissed a girl since😔). I have also had a lot of sexual tension and foreplay with a lot of girls which feels exciting and comfortable.
I don't wanna date, fuck or be with men but I get crushes on them
Idk, maybe I could like guys in the future???
I saw a dream about a year ago where the all knowing spirit disguised as 8 year old kid watching YouTube on an iPad said to me: "You seem to be hiding your true identity from everyone. You know they're gonna eventually find out who you are. You should stop trying to hide it. Afterall, nobody knows you're a lesbian". To which dream me sighed exhaustedly and said: "Yeah, not even me myself"
Was it God? Jesus? The spirit of the world? Idk, I'm an atheist.
That was a spiritual experience tho.
Can anyone pls tell me if I could be considered a lesbian or am I a bisexual??🥺🥺
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING THIS! ILY❤️
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