I am visiting my mom in Mexico for the summer, took some time off work to spend it with her since I don't visit as often. I told her I want to cut my hair short and she offered to do it for me. I'm pretty chill when it comes to messing up my hair when I cut it because at the end of the day, it grows back. I let her cut it, but as she was doing it I began to feel so ill, my heart felt heavy and I felt the urge to cry. I bit my tongue and just endured it, she did a good job and I was happy with the result. She's currently in the shower and I'm reflecting on why I had such a strong reaction to this haircut.
When I was younger, my mom was a very unkind woman. She had a lot of unsolved trauma of her own that she has worked on now that all of her kids are out of the house. When I was around 10 my mom left some fabric scissors out on the kitchen table & my younger brother grabbed them and cut his hair, I had no idea he did this. He was around 4 at the time. My mom got home and was so angry, she thought I left the scissors out & that out of my carelessness, he cut his beautiful curly hair. I remember so vividly that I was wearing pigtails, it was my first time ever doing them on myself and I was nervous because I wasn't sure if they looked cute or not. My mom barged into my room and dragged me into the kitchen by my pigtail, she yelled at me about my brother's hair, she took those same scissors & she cut off one of my pigtails right where the hair tie was. I remember just crying and crying because I didn't leave the scissors out, but I didn't say anything in fear that she'd cut the other one off as well. I just sat down in the kitchen and held my cut off pigtail while I cried. My older sister who was usually indifferent to me walked in and asked me what happened, I told her & I remember her just looking so upset, she asked me if I wanted her to even it out, I said please. There, in our kitchen, in the middle of the day, my mean older sister felt some pity for me and evened out my hair. Even as I type this out I'm crying because it causes me so much pain to remember how unhappy I was as a kid, and how much I still love my mom despite it all.
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