Reblogging system/plurality posts (and sometimes alterhuman or various other neurodivergent posts) to use as a sort of archive because too many blogs have been deactivating lately and I wanna be able to look back over the posts after they do so
/exo or /exm (exomemories) : for when you’re talking about something that happened in your exomemories, but not in the body’s memories!
/psd or /psdo (psuedomemories) : the same as /exo but for those who prefer the medical term! (purely up to personal preference, as all of these tags are)
/bm or /bdm (body memories) : for when you’re talking about something that happened in body memories, not in exomemories!
so we saw /iw, /hsp, and /phys by @the-corvidae-collective and were inspired to make these! these tone indicators can indicate whether what a person is talking about are things that happened in the body’s memories or in exomemories!!
we’re pro endogenic, non-traumagenic, and non-disordered systems so these tags are for all! keep in mind that they were made by a system for systems, and not specifically for singlets. if a singlet perhaps wanted to use these to specify kin memories vs body memories we just ask that they be mindful that these tags were not explicitly made for them.
thank you for reading! we hope you like these tone tags and find them useful.
when reading posts online, we often find ourself imagining the speaker as the avatar they use to represent themself. this varies depending on platform and how representative a particular profile picture is, and we can work against this habit, but it is at least partially an instinctive response for our brain.
im aware this does not hold for everyone - many people make choices with their digital representations that suggest the contrary. but i think for many native digital speakers*, their experiences are similar to mine - you associate people with their avatars, to at least some degree.
the thing about plurality however, perhaps its defining feature, is a distaste for holding a singular stable identity**. while its possible to simply change features of your online presence along with changes in identity, any frequent switching between repeated states gets annoying.
hence, tools like pluralkit (https://pluralkit.me/) emerge, hacking existing communication tools (in this case discord) to represent multiple identity states.
having the ability to directly and easily associate different images and names with messages genuinely provides so much in the way of identity expression, making any platform where this is possible far more appealing to communicate with.
the difference in expressive possibilities here becomes obvious if you spend much time in plural spaces;
- users who proxy as the wrong person will frequently comment on how wrong it feels seeing a message come from someone else's "mouth" especially when it would be out of character for them
- on the other paw, a message being proxied can help cement a weak front, or even pull someone into front (in the case of a misproxy)
- even in person, sometimes switching to communicating over a text chat with proxying can help elucidate fronts, or include a back and forth between headmates in a way that's harder to communicate verbally with the one mouth
altogether being able to see your own name and face with your messages can help with actually feeling plural. making those differences between your selves clearly visible. while there are a number of other tells someone might distinguish fronts by, and the models established by tools like pluralkit won't work for every system. it's an invaluable tool to have at your disposal.
indeed, for someone questioning their plurality, I'd actually recommend experimenting with pluralkit to explore your identity,
plurality, like gender, is social. while there may be underlying experiences and identity (and a closeted transgender person/system is still transgender/plural), a huge part of trans/plural experience is realised socially. asking someone to use a different name or pronoun for you, asking them to use more than one name! these things create a social reality in which you are recognised as your gender/as multiple. trying on these things in private and then with people you trust to affirm this identity is kind of important.
and when a service allows you to naturally present as multiple people, this instinct to treat people as their representations does a lot of heavy lifting. when i first started interacting with systems online i straight up did not think very hard about what plurality meant - i got shown the different avatars, names, pronouns, and interacted accordingly.
we might want to theorise that this simply replaces the tells you'd get speaking to a system in person; different voices, posture, demeanour - the tone missing from text communication replaced with explicit headmate signifying. but i would argue this type of text affordance actually offers up entirely different plural communication possibilities.
for example, it's straightforwardly possible to RP/cyber with someone and tag team them in ways you can't in person:
headmate 1: ooooh im hugging u
headmate 2: ooooh hugging you *from the other side*
while you can obviously do this without proxy support, the affordances of a tool like pluralkit make this much easier and more appealing. it feels more satisfyingly real, at least in our experience. and that makes sense, given each headmate is being put on the same representative footing as a whole separate user, rather than being depicted as the whole system/body first.
i'd actually argue there's an imperative, for those developing chat software, to make this kind of expression possible (if not by default at least with the kind of opt-in bot extensibility discord provides). the same way medical and social technologies expand the possibilities for legible transgender expression, tools enabling smoother performance of plurality like this open up new possibilities for systems.
and while I've kind of sucked off pluralkit here as the best option for this. it's nature as something hacked onto an existing chat app has clear weaknesses. and we can in fact imagine a world where this kind of chat support is better.
a tool like utter (https://utter.y2k.diy/), while not a networked messaging app, can show you the avatar of the person your proxy tag is about to post as. this hedges against accidental misproxying, helps you check if you've remembered the right proxy, and helps address a not uncommon plural problem of "wait im not sure who's writing this, i wish i could test out different options without having to hit send first".
basically what im saying is,
if ur plural friend asks you to use discord because they find it easier to communicate when they can use pluralkit, please give them that chance, it makes a genuine difference.
but we can also do better and build better tools. i think we kinda deserve it.
(*im using this term like "native speaker" gets used in linguistics but for typing online. im aware text isn't spoken, although im literally hearing this as i write it. but I genuinely think im more of a native speaker of online written english than spoken english. i lose verbal competency at times when i can still text someone. i have a literal speech impediment. etc.)
(**median systems who like to present with one shared identity outwardly are totally cool. that's why i said singular. the problems this addresses just apply less in that case. don't come at me, im literally miss "have you considered medianity, your experiences sound kinda median")
[Start transcription. // Okay but like, this feels VERY weird to say but we are a system that was around before the plural warmline was even announced as an idea (even if marginally so) and can we just say that we don't think we've ever seen the community this vibrant before then? People don't really talk about the more immediate emotional impacts that something like that can have, especially since something like that can serve as a point of pride and validation as the visibility of plurality (seemingly) continues to increase.
The reason we RT < retweet > so much of their stuff like 24/7 is literally because we see them as that important, you really aren't imagining that. And like. They even do articles and articles and articles of resources, and they're in an accessible space.
No, seriously, back in 2018 or 2019 or whenever it was, we were pretty much terrified to say anything and something like that would've made us a hell of a lot more assured. Just SEEING a whole organization that's inclusive would have helped us accept ourselves.
Yes, personal websites and digging around is good and great, but sometimes you're in a pinch and can only look for a few moments, or you're too afraid of what you'll find, and also, having stuff right there on a centralized page can be a matter of accessibility.
We will say it again, and again, and AGAIN as many times as it takes: having those resources, and those resources being very explicit in their inclusion to all causes/origins/identifications can be absolutely vital for some folks' wellbeing, and it isn't said enough.
Before TPA < The Plural Association > it was, like, if you didn't have a direct copy/link to the "How to Survive in a Strange World After Sliding into an Alternate Timeline" and you were a fictive, and you had to deal with exomemory shit you were basically fucked. We still have a copy of the file, both on paper and in a cloud drive file, just in case.
We don't think we will ever meet the system who wrote that, nor see any of their online presence, but it was so, so hard to find done with hours of searching and/or sheer luck.
Small scraps of blogs that don't even exist anymore sit in our paper binders, back here at home. We wish we saved the full layout instead of stripping them down, < but > we did save the exact webpage addresses on them (lo and behold: we don't see them on Wayback, either).
Another story: We remember a gew months ago when we asked < twitter account > @/ireneista about Astrea < Astrea's Web > and how they were doing for reasons, and asking for advice about how we should go about checking things out. We mentioned Oreguiya (sorry, we STILL cannot spell), because we ran into their site, to hear they're already gone, so we panicked and asked Irenes if Astrea's web was saved, stuff like that, because it is so ingrained into us just how fragile all of this is.
We are holding it all gently in our tiny little hands and are afraid to so much as turn our head the wrong way, because it feels like it could be dropped and shattered into irrecoverable pieces.
Don't get us wrong, it's great to have this stuff!
That's actually our point, really: everything is in such a tenuous state right now. We would like it to be more stable, so people can have both the personal experiences AND the professional stuff. \\ end transcription.]
Anyways: we don't necessarily care about what you think of, say, Astrea's Web, or the Empowered Multiplicity movement, or what "side" you are on when it comes to shitty s*s**rse or weather you agree or not. The fact is, those things were and are still very influential to the way things are going now, and so it is absolutely worth archiving and keeping
The fact is that the TPA and its warmline are resources run by, and for, systems, in its entirety and not something beholden to singlet standards, that does not necessarily require physical transit and can be accessed at any time basically for free. Since it's origins-inclusive it makes the community stronger — even if you are skeptical of non-trauma origin systems — this gives folks an "out" by not implying any trauma they supposedly aren't ready to know about.
All of this is so, so important. We genuinely do not know how to explain the scale differences between 2019 and 2022 in terms of information access and community support, and we extremely worried that newer folks to the community are just going to take it all for granted.
There was exactly two other systems, besides us, in our old childhood town of [redacted] depending on what you thought counted. There were so few resources that the terminology used between the two was completely different than our own, because they had known for literal years, and we had found out very recently, and we were able to look up what they couldn't — and the community was still small and fragmented enough that even the more accepted lexicon was hard to find. In 2018. In 2019.
We were the only system who was explicitly "out" in all of our university classes, once we did come out, to the point we had other classmates constantly asking us questions about how we perceived our frontspace and weather we thought they were plural or a system. We always had to tell them that, weather or not something sounds plural to us, they are only ones who can actually determine if that label fits. This is fine and good, but we had only known for about a year at that point. Constantly having to do that could also take away from a productive conversation between colleagues and hinder selves-discovery if what they were looking for was a more solid way of analyzing their brain. We don't have to worry about that anymore, because with the emergence of TPA, a ton of other more accessible resources have popped out of the woodwork. The Crisses have literally repurposed plurality resource dot org. There is a whole website dedicated to free, system-run world conferences, accompanied by an entire youtube channel on which they host said plural pride world conferences.
We do not know how to emphasize the gravity of this statement, that three years ago, you were basically on your own unless you wanted to waste the time and resources to maybe try getting an Officially Confirmed System Diagnosis, and even then just risk being laughed off, or misdiagnosed as something else, or something similar (oh! And good luck if you experience something even remotely outside of medical standards! Or if you have trauma related to psychologists that prevents you from going to an evaluation! You're absolutely fucked!!) and we do not know how to explain to people how terrified we are of the current fragility of what we do have.
Oh, wait —
[Start transcriptio. // But, if a bunch of people in plural communities got together it could be a history share or something like that, and that would be the ideal.
Worry isn't really strong enough to convey the visceral fear after-the-fact, like hallucinating a different shadow than your own. \\ end transcription.]
It turns out we did, in fact, describe the feeling some time late last night. None of this existed a decade ago. None of this three years ago.
Please sit down and think on that for awhile if you have the mental stability to do so. When we say the constant infighting is scaring us, this is exactly why. It wasn't infighting that got us to this point, it was a bunch of people who didn't always agree with each other realizing that it would probably be a better use of our time trying to fundraise for the start of a nonprofit organization, and if you couldn't donate yourself, spreading the word like wildfire and trying to get your wealthier or better-resourced singlet friends/family members to help instead.
**Divider that we used is by the @/seasonal-holiday-system
A common fakeclaimer talking point I see is targeting fictives based on the assumption that fictives are a rare thing. This is not true in the slightest. Let me break it down for you.
Let's use the 1% of the population is plural stat. 1% of the worlds population is 83 MILLION people. That is still a massive number. 6 billion people on this planet have internet acess, 5 billion people in the world can read. All those people have access to books, movies, comics, video games, webseries etc. Now more than ever, pop culture is very very easily accessable. 5-6 billion people have read a novel, watched a TV show, played a video game etc. And if 83 million of that 5-6 billion are plural? thats 83 million people with the chance to consume that pop culture content and develop a fictive from it.
The only reason it seems like a "new" thing is because we simply did not have the knowlage on plurality that we have now. That, and the internet has majorly expanded the number of people exposed to pop culture. Before the internet, it was books/comics, TV shows/movies and video games that people were exposed to. Plurals in the 80s were still developing fictives from those things. And add on the fact plurality was WILDLY under researched back then (still is, but at least theres more than back then now), it LOOKS like fictives weren't common 30 years ago. But they were still being formed in systems all the time, if you had acess to a novel, comic, TV etc, you had the chance of developing a fictive.
Now with the internet, TVs in almost every home, books filling libraries and stores/e-book apps, video game consoles being so common etc, we are surrounded by pop culture. I mean even a McDonalds happy meal has toys of fictional characters in it, posters for movies are on buses and billboards, fan edits of the latest show are all over social media. We are SURROUNDED by fictional characters in day to day life.
Fictives are not uncommon, especially ones from popular media. If the latest big movie is watched millions of times by people all over the world? Several of those people are going to be systems with the chance to develop a fictive from it.
TLDR: Fictives are not uncommon in a world where pop culture is literally everywhere and 83 million people are plural in some way.
Outside of situations where masking plurality is necessary (e.g. where someone may use known memory problems as an abuse tool), you probably need to mask yourselves less than you think.
Very, very few people will notice overt plurality without being directly told about it. The few that might notice tend to be plural themselves or have plural friends, and they tend to be safe to be spotted by anyway because they're familiar with plurality and how to handle it respectfully.
The average person doesn't have plurality on their radar in the first place. Heck, they barely know what DID is, assuming that they live somewhere it's a diagnosis option, and they've never heard of anything beyond that. Most people will see overt plurality and think "oh, they're moody, or genderfluid, or just use a lot of names, or do a lot of things, or..." if they notice anything different at all.
Seriously, people are oblivious. You can introduce yourself by three different names, have wildly different preferences and modes of expression, and even toss in an accent. The most you might get in response is "are you okay?" (to which the non-disclosure answer is something like "yeah, just feeling different today" or "yeah, I'm just like this sometimes, it's normal". They'll usually let it go if you don't make a fuss about it).
In any case, people are probably not looking for signs of plurality when talking to you- they're more focused on the conversation. The odds of them noticing something different in the first place and bringing it up are low. They have other things to talk about.
note: please be safe, and don’t do anything that would endanger you 💛
plurality is a beautiful thing, but even as an openly plural person, I find it hard to express my plurality IRL outside of informing loved ones who’s fronting. so I sat down with my joyfriend, and we compiled this list of things you can do to openly or subtly express your plural identity offline.
1. make fronting bracelets! a classic, but a good one :) if you can’t make them, you can always buy custom bracelets, or even just premade bracelets that represent you & your headmates!
2. buttons! “ask me about plurality” is one that i’m working on, but more ideas i have are pronoun buttons, name buttons, plural symbol / flag buttons, one that says “ask who’s fronting”, and maybe some silly ones like “I fronted to be here!”
3. dry erase cards! since I am nonverbal, I use dry erase cards every day- but that made me realize, rhis could be nice for plural people to! you can write a small introduction of whoever’s fronting, or general system info :)
4. create individual spaces where you can. Maybe you have a bookshelf, so you can dedicate one portion of it to a specific headmate, or something of the sort!
5. openly discuss plurality with loved ones, if you are safe to do so. we’ve been openly and proudly plural since 2019, and we’re starting to make it a point to discuss our headspace, our alters, and our views on plurality with those interested.
6. system wide scrapbook, junk journal, or sketchbook! we do a collective bullet journal, and it is SO fun! it’s a way to not only creatively express individuality, but to also work in harmony as a collective at times!
7. flyers, zines, and comics- oh my!! I LOVE making zines about plurality. you can make and print things like these, and leave them in public places where it’s considered legal.
8. organize! you never know- there could be dozens of other plurals in your area in need of community. try to set up meetings for plurals- you never know what kind of community you could build!
9. other creative pursuits, like knitting and embroidery and music, could be really fun to combine with plurality. I myself am only an artist, but I’m sure there’s tons of fun things you can do in other fields!
10. learn a new skill or hobby that a different headmate is interested in. this is great because it’s expressing individuality AND offering a potential bonding activity :)
no no please worry about the "evil" alter. they're doing this for attention please for the love of god give them attention they are touch starved and in need of love. cause they're not really evil, they're lashing out. if everyone else gets compassion when they lash out, so should the "evil" alter.
stop calling people who are hurting "evil". start taking care of the "evil" people. they're still people, and people deserve compassion.
This article is taken directly from "For The Many", the (free!) book we wrote a while back. I figured that now is a good time to share it here.
Some people are assholes. That's a fact of life whether you're one or many, but it's harder to live with the assholes when they live inside your head. Maybe they hurt your body. Maybe they drive away your friends. Maybe they go on tirades about how awful you are. I could go on- there are a lot of ways to hurt people that you share a brain with, and all of them suck.
Headmates have reasons for hurting people. If they're lashing out at you or the people you care about, then they've got some idea or feeling driving that behavior. There are some common ones:
They're in pain. They're carrying rejected emotions, self-hate, or some other form of suffering and don't have the coping skills or outlets to handle it safely. Lashing out, hurting themselves, or causing other problems might drown out the pain, or it might project it out onto you. They may not even realize the pain they're causing belongs to them if they've buried it deeply enough. They just know that they feel better if they lash out.
They're frustrated and don't have a better way to process or express that.
They're responding to a trauma trigger. Something's happened that's called up the need to fight, flee, or otherwise do whatever it takes to deal with the situation. They might not know that it's a trauma response, or they might know but have no better way to deal with the need to act.
They're hiding something and hurting you is better than that thing being uncovered. Hurting people is a great way to discourage coming any closer to whatever they're hiding- if you poke the brain bear and it bites you, then you're eventually going to stop poking the brain bear.
They're avoiding something. It's easier to be a jerk for a quick rush of power than it is to admit that you feel powerless or alone.
It's also easier to think of yourself as inherently evil, bad, cruel, etc. than it is to admit that other people's decisions to hurt you weren't your fault.
They're bored and nothing else is any fun. They might not have hobbies, jobs to do, or much else to waste a day on. Getting a big reaction out of you is entertaining and free.
You're not going to pay attention to them if they don't hurt you. They might not have a place in your life, or their place might be conditional on doing whatever you want to do instead of what they want to do. If you've tried asking nicely, begging, screaming, manipulating, and whatever else it takes to get heard without any success, but being an asshole works, then you're going to keep being an asshole.
Your life sucks and they know it. The friends they're trying to drive away might be abusing you, codependent, or causing problems. Your family doesn't feel safe to be around. Your job is crushing you. Something has to change and you're not listening, so they've taken matters into their own hands regardless of the consequences. They're trying to help you, though it looks like they're hurting you because you don't have the context.
Someone they care about is being threatened (inside the system or outside), and they're doing whatever it takes to make the threat go away.
They hate themselves and believe that they deserve to be hurt. They might be taking it out on themselves and catching you in the crossfire, or they might be trying to goad you into hating them so that you hurt them and cause the pain that they think they deserve.
There are plenty of other reasons that someone in your system might be hurting you or others. If you can, ask them why they're doing what they're doing. They might tell you, or they might not, but it lets them know that you care what's bugging them. Keep checking on them from time to time, and they might open up more.
Sometimes You're the Asshole
It's easy to blame other people for hurting you, but sometimes they're being reasonable without your realizing it. You might be causing or perpetuating patterns in your system that hurt all of you, yourself included. Changing these patterns is more likely to stop your system from hurting you than almost any other action you could take.
If any of the following situations feel true, then you might want to consider whether your own behavior is contributing to patterns of pain and control in your system.
The others are only allowed to control your body when you give them permission, and they don't like this arrangement.
You know exactly what's wrong with the others and how to fix it, even if they think otherwise.
You are actively trying to kill, drive away, control, or get rid of the others, especially those that you don't like or don't want around.
The others aren't allowed to have friends, hobbies, or experiences for themselves. They're only allowed to hold beliefs that you agree with, and they can only act in ways that you approve of.
You might believe that limiting them is the best decision for your own safety, and it may be, but you don't place equal limits on your own behavior.
All of your spending money is yours. If the others spend any money, they're stealing from you.
You make major life changes that your headmates strongly dislike; their protests aren't important enough to affect the decision.
You regularly sell, donate, or destroy things that your system members bought or made.
Even moreso if you do this to punish them.
You do your best to ignore your headmates or convince them that they don't actually exist. You make a point of tuning them out, pushing them away, or trapping them inside.
The others claim that people in your life are actively hurting them. You maintain the relationships even if given concrete proof that these people are hurting your headmates.
If you see yourself in any of these situations, you're not a bad person. You're doing the best you can with what you've got. But doing these things makes it a lot more likely that your system is going to lash out in your direction, and you might benefit from trying to change your own behavior. Getting along better with your system makes it a lot easier to live your life, and making some space for the others' needs and wants helps with that.
It might be worth asking your system what they think about how you act and really listening to the answers- not blowing up if they're upset, but getting into a position where you can hear out the underlying needs and make a plan to do something about it together.
The Art of Being Nice
If someone in your head is hurting you, then you don't have to put up with their shit, but you also don't get to hurt them back. It's tempting sometimes. It can feel good. It can give you a sense of control or power over them, and it can feel like you're getting payback for what they've done to you. It might even scare them. But hurting them isn't going to make them stop hurting you. It's just going to make them think you deserve it, or it's going to drive them to hurt you worse in hopes you'll leave them alone, or lead them to lash out in hopes of re-establishing their "scary alter street cred". Hurt people hurt people, and attacking them back perpetuates the cycle.
You know what makes the assholes willing to change in the long run? Being nice to them.
I'm serious. Being nice to the asshole works. It can suck for a good while because they're going to keep being an asshole right back for a while, especially if they don't know how to handle people being nice to them, but it's the one thing that can get through to people. Yelling at them or locking them up in your head for hurting you won't fix any of the problems leading them to hurt you in the first place. It just teaches your headmates that they can't trust you to respect them. Being nice eventually rams it through that they can have their needs met without having to fight for it.
The best tool you have for preventing harm is your own support. Offering comfort, redirecting aggression, and working with your headmate instead of against them can be very effective in reducing how much harm they do. You may find that offering support is enough to stop them from causing harm in the first place.
I know it's tempting to yell at them, rant about them to friends, or throw them in brain jail so you won't have to think about them. You might be pissed off, scared, or confused yourself, and that makes it easier to do hurtful things. Try to find outlets for those emotions that have nothing to do with the person hurting you. Draw pictures of what your feelings look like- they don't have to be good. Punch a pillow. Write a note and then burn it. Do what you've got to do, but don't do things that might loop back and hurt them. No one likes to find out that their friends hate them because someone else badmouthed you to them behind your back.
It can be hard to offer aid to someone who's hurt you. Other headmates may be able to step in and give support more comfortably, and it might be worth asking inside whether anyone is willing to do so. If they're not willing to do so, then you may have to find ways to offer help without overwhelming yourself. You might be able to leave resources for them, create tools that they can redirect harm onto (such as a stuffed doll they can destroy), or find external friends that they can talk to about their feelings. Having any form of social support is an enormous help.
Harm Reduction
Sometimes headmates can put you or others in serious danger. If this is the case for you, then you may need to find ways to reduce how much harm they do until you can get to the point where they'd rather not hurt you.
It can be tempting to lock them inside your head. After all, someone can't kill you if they can't use your body. This can be okay in dire emergencies, but locking headmates inside shouldn't be your go-to solution, and it should never be a long-term plan. Trapping someone inside their head against their will can do a lot of harm, and these tactics tend to make everyone suffer much more than they have to. Imagine being trapped inside of your own head for an indefinite time, stuck watching someone else live a life you hate while unable to do anything but scream at them or stew with your own pain. It's a deeply unpleasant experience that would be at home in a horror movie. Being hurtful doesn't mean that a person deserves to lose all autonomy; it means that they need support and care while they find other ways to meet their needs.
There are some situations where you may have to hold someone inside against their will for a short time. For example, if a headmate is actively trying to carry out a suicide plan, then you might have to take action to protect yourselves if nothing is working to calm them down or dissuade them.
There are ways to do this with compassion and care. Always ask the headmate if they're willing to come inside and let you handle the situation first. Let them express any concerns about coming inside and do your best to address them (even if you personally disagree with them). Be honest, but respect their opinions and try to understand where they're coming from. They may be willing to take some time inside to safely express themselves if you show that you can handle the situation in a way that they approve of.
If you truly have no other choice than trapping someone inside against their will, then do it for as little time as possible, and as transparently you can manage. Give them a clear time duration for being kept inside ("we'll let you out in one hour- we get home then, so we can sit down and talk to help you feel better") and commit to that. Ideally, they shouldn't be locked up for more than a day. If you can get away with a shorter time, then do so.
Have someone in the system sit with them inside if possible, and check in on them yourself as often as you can. They may yell at you or lash out. Let them. Take turns if it's too much to tolerate, but having someone to talk to can help a lot with preventing fears of abandonment or rejection. It's easy to be afraid that the people who locked you up plan to throw away the key. Let them know that you have no intentions of abandoning or ignoring them, and that you'll let them out as soon as you can.
Ideally, you'll never need to lock someone inside. There are better ways to prevent serious harm from happening. One of the easiest ways is to make a contract with that headmate. In exchange for hurting you less or limiting themselves to certain kinds of hurt, you can give them something that they want without making them fight for it.
Making this contract shouldn't be a one-sided process; work with each other to find an agreement that works for everyone. They might veto some of what you ask for. If they do, rework the contract into something that both of you can follow. There's always a good reason behind the veto, and talking about it can help you figure out how to handle the situation.
If your headmate asks for something that you can reasonably give them (time in control, a physical object, support, tools, etc.) as part of their contract, then give it to them. Getting what you want makes it a lot easier to decide to be nice, and feeling cared for can help folks who lash out because they feel ignored or overwhelmed. This can be scary if they're asking for time in control, especially if they have a history of hurting people, but give them a chance to follow your agreement. You might be pleasantly surprised.
If your headmate asks for something that you're not willing to give them, then explain why you're not able to provide what they asked for. Let them explain why they want it and what will happen if they can't have it. Some things can simply be dropped from the contract if they turn out to be minor requests. Others might have unexpected importance. Keep an open mind and try to find another way to meet the underlying need or want behind the request.
Sometimes, people break their contracts. It usually means that it's written in a way that they can't actually follow. Try not to punish anyone for breaking their agreement. Instead, go back to the contract with them and rework it into something that they can follow. For example, if they had to break the contract and self-harm because they had no other way to cope with flashbacks, then you may want to add some means of supporting them during flashbacks to handle that situation. If they broke the contract and lashed out at a friend, then find out what set them off.
for those out there who feel like their dissociation 'isn't enough' and feel like they're faking because of it, hey. maybe it's because you lived your entire life with this experience and got too used to it. but here's the thing, dissociation isn't just 'suddenly blacking out and having no memory of the entire past day' no matter how much its painted as that. not all dissociation is sharp and obvious.
forgetting passwords, forgetting names and people, forgetting your dreams, having too vivid dreams, insomnia, brain fog, face blindness, remembering your days like a blur, struggling to remember your schedule, school/work day gone too fast, forgetting to eat, forgetting to drink, derealization, depersonalization can all be caused by dissociation. i know its hard to accept but it is, just because you don't black out doesn't mean you don't dissociate; if you sit on your computer stopping for a second doubting your password or if you wake up feeling like that was a trainwreck of a dream then suddenly it stops being visible is caused by dissociation. if you're awake, looking around but having the feeling that something with the existence of the surroundings is wrong is also dissociation. if you suddenly remember that you forgot to eat that day, that you forgot to drink that day, the time is 3 am and even though you never blacked out and you were always there, is still dissociation.
if you grew too used to constantly living these little things, then you are probably ignoring your symptoms. so please stop the doubting. you're not fake, your dissociation is real, your amnesia is real and you are not lying. please remember this. you are a system, and it's okay to dissociate. it's not your fault.
once again gracing the alterhuman community with this reminder; calling phantom appendages 'phantom limbs' is outdated & taking unrelated terminology from amputees !
There is more than one category of phantoms, namely Supernumerary Phantom Limbs (and other phantom sensations) which is what phantom shifts are referring to and is also a scientifically recognized phenomenon. Phantom sensations also commonly occur for transgender people. It is by no means an exclusive phenomenon and can have multiple causes outside of losing a body part and can manifest in ways outside of phantom limb (or organ) pain. It is also recognized that phantom sensations can even be induced, IE: the very famous Rubber Hand Illusion experiments.
Also the biggest survey in the alterhuman community (with over 1200 responses) found that alterhuman phantom experiences mirror transgender, amputee, and organ loss/removal phantom experiences in obstacle shunning and similar facets. People in the community who have more commonly understood human phantom experiences also didn't typically find the use of the phantom medical language offensive or inaccurate by alterhumans, and several people said they found their experiences of human and non-human phantoms identical. See here for the lecture related to it, and you can direct further questions to @frameacloud who was the dragon behind the survey.
I agree with the additions to this thread from Dino and Page: they're both accurate to what I have seen in the medical literature and in my original research. I also appreciate the original poster's wish to be thoughtful toward people who have limb differences.
The survey collected these insights from respondents who themselves had had amputations of human body parts:
None of them complained about the words "phantom limb" being used to refer to sensations of nonhuman body parts. Not a single one of them said it was offensive or should be stopped.
The most common name that they themselves preferred for sensations of nonhuman body parts was "phantom limb."
Most of them said their sensations of nonhuman body parts felt similar to their sensations of lost human body parts.
Of the people who had had human limbs or extremities amputated, 50% said their sensations of nonhuman body parts felt exactly the same as their sensations of lost human body parts.
Where did the idea come from that it's offensive to people who have had amputations or limb differences, then? They're not the ones saying it. It's a baseless rumor, and it's contradicted by the data.
No one should have to disclose their medical history to win an internet argument or to beg permission to use a word for their own personal sensations. Regardless of someone's medical history, if they say that alterhumans should not use the words "phantom limb" for their sensations of nonhuman body parts, that is arguably an anti-alterhuman attitude.
Saying that these don't count as phantom limbs is similar to other tactics of exclusionism, medicalism, and respectability politics that we see dividing many other groups among themselves. Those tactics separate out some experiences from within the wide range of phenomena as being too strange to be taken as seriously as another subset. They're based in fear that the association will cause the more serious subset to be taken less seriously too, and therefore that the more painful cases might not find useful treatments or understanding from the public. In reality, a more complete and useful understanding of a subject comes from looking at its full range: the cases that are painful or consistent with expectations from better-known studies, as well as the cases that are benign or odd.
The survey data confirms that phantoms of amputated human body parts more often tend to be painful or distressing than phantoms of naturally different human body parts or phantoms of nonhuman parts. However, it also revealed that severe pain in the latter exists too, and their treatment never been formally studied. Non-painful and even enjoyable cases are also inadequately studied and could offer perspective for better addressing and easing painful ones. Including and exploring these other subsets of phantom limb phenomena will bring more useful information for everyone in understanding, treating, and living with these experiences. We can all learn the most if we can share and listen to one another.
One of the things we’ve noticed as a fictive heavy system is that a lot of singlets have no idea how to talk to fictives. When one of us whose pluralkit proxy obviously marks us as a fictive sends a message in a predominantly singlet discord server, there’s this odd thing that happens where the conversation stalls for seemingly no reason. Especially if we mention something related to being a fictive.
We don’t think this is out of malice, it’s just awkwardness. People who’ve had very little interaction with the plural community aren’t likely to know how to talk to fictives. The short answer to that is to talk to us like people, but we thought we’d write out some tips to help our well-meaning but uninformed singlet friends. Disclaimer that we’re just one system, and these tips come from our own experiences. We can’t speak for other systems
Tip 1: We aren’t RPers or ask blogs, don’t ask us questions like we are. We won’t be answering from the perspective of our source characters, but from the perspective of a person who exists in this world and happens to have some things in common with that character. Apply the same rules you would if you were asking a non-fictive about their life
Tip 2: When we talk about our exomemories, that’s not an invitation to treat them like our source media. Don’t try to analyze them like a piece of media, or make light of our trauma. Those memories feel as real to us as yours do to you, be respectful
Tip 3: Don’t fangirl over us. We aren’t your favorite character come to life. Seriously, this is just weird and uncomfortable. Also, don’t bring up your ships that involve our source characters to us
Tip 4: If we’re in a fandom space, assume we’re comfortable there. We can make our own decisions about how and when (and if) we want to engage with our source’s fandom. We may leave suddenly if things get weird or uncomfortable, but that’s just us looking after ourselves without derailing the conversation. Generally though, don’t feel the need to modify your discussions on our account unless we ask you to
Tip 5: We aren’t some sideshow attraction to be gawked at. If you think of our identities as weird or cringey, that’s going to show in your interactions with us, and it always sucks. Your internal feelings about fictives are something for you to work through, don’t expect us to put up with you treating us like a freak show
Tip 6: Don’t judge us by our source characters. We didn’t get a say in it, neither did anyone else in our system. Having a fictive of a character doesn’t mean the system likes that character or condones their canon actions. Depending on the system, it might not even mean we know very much about that character. Some systems (like ours) will sometimes get fictives of characters we know very little about
Tip 7: Don’t assume we’re the same as our source characters. We might be very similar, or we might be nothing at all like them. Our exomemories could be drastically different, or we could come from an AU. Our personality, gender, sexuality, and personal history might be different than you expect. Also, don’t judge our identities the way you would a headcanon. If our source character is bi but we’re gay, that’s not bi erasure
Tip 8: We’re people first, fictives second. Start there, with the understanding that we’re not really all that different from the non-fictives in our system that you’ve already talked to. It doesn’t have to be awkward
This isn’t a comprehensive list, it’s just a few tips based on our experiences being openly plural and fictive heavy online. Other fictives, feel free to add your own tips, or things you wish singlets knew or understood. Just don’t get syscourse-y, we don’t wanna deal with that
For the first tip, we were trying to say that there is a difference between a fictive and a person pretending to be a fictional character for the purposes of roleplay/an askblog. One is a person making up answers about a fictional person, the other is someone talking about themselves. Even if our experiences sound very close to our source canon, it's not okay to interact with us the way you would with an askblog/RPer
We weren't trying to say that we don't identify as our source characters, because a lot of us do. We all have varying levels of how closely we identify with them. Some of us have gone as far as to change our names and not tell anyone outside the system we're a fictive, but most of us float somewhere around seeing our source character as a version of ourselves
Tip 8 wasn't intended to say that being a person is necessarily a more important or more central part of our identities, but to emphasize that we want to be treated as people, not characters. In our experience, the fact that we're fictives sometimes gets in the way of singlets seeing us as people, so that's why we phrased it the way we did
your identity as an introject deserves to be taken seriously and with respect. this includes when you have multiple sources, especially when those source combinations may not make sense to an outside perspective. you are so much more than what people may perceive of you, and being respected for who you are is not something you should have to earn.
We keep seeing people say things along the lines of "we never have conflicts in our system", and those situations actively worry me. Let's talk about it.
First: Conflict is not inherently about violence and shaming and screaming matches.
What is conflict?
Conflict is about navigating your needs, opinions, expectations, desires, etc. with other people, particularly when their needs are different from yours. This does not have to be a hostile process.
(Does hostility happen sometimes? Yes, but if someone starts a screaming match, then communication has seriously broken down. A lot of good conflict resolution never hits that point of yelling at each other because feelings are addressed before it reaches that point.)
It may help to think of conflict as the process of going from "I am unhappy with something happening between us" to "we are both happy with how things are now."
Conflict in systems
Conflict happens all the time in systems. It's part of sharing a brain/body with someone who isn't 100% the same as you: you will disagree sometimes, even if that someone is literally part of you, because you are still different entities to some degree. Median systems aren't exempt. Multiple systems aren't exempt.
I want this. You want that. We can't have both without sacrificing something. Now what? That's a conflict.
I think this. You think that. We need to agree on this subject so that we can act on our thoughts together, but no one really wants to let go of their opinion. That's a conflict.
I feel something. You feel something in reaction to my feelings. Now we're both kind of upset and need to deal with that. That's a conflict.
You expected to spend today in control, but I am in control instead. Your plans have been upset. That's a conflict.
I was missing information, and now you're in pain because of what I didn't know about you. Neither of us are in the wrong, but we still need to work with each other to settle the issue and mend hurt feelings. That's a conflict.
I have projects that I want to work on. You also have projects. There's not enough time to do everything; we share a brain/body, and there is only so much time in a day. That's a conflict.
I could keep going. There are a thousand ways to run into conflict, and it's a very common thing to deal with if you spend literally any time around other people (headmates included).
We all disagree sometimes. It's part of being around people who are different from you, however small those differences may be. You will have conflicts, and that's okay.
Why do we need conflict?
Conflict happens when two or more people have a difference in opinions, expectations, needs, etc. Resolving the conflict is often how those people's needs are met, as the process of resolving conflict involves talking about those needs and working together to find a solution.
When handled well, conflict is a good thing. It allows people to express concerns, share their honest feelings, and grow closer by negotiating with someone else. It is entirely possible to end a conflict with all parties feeling happier than they felt at the start of the conflict.
Conflict allows you to learn more about each other. It shows you what people are passionate about, what they are willing to set aside, and what they are unwilling to compromise on.
Conflict allows you to improve your situation. Hiding your problems from each other to keep the peace means that you are stuck suffering with those problems for the forseeable future, which is unfortunate if those problems could be talked through and solved.
Perhaps most importantly: conflict allows everyone to have their needs met (as opposed to ignoring their needs to keep the peace- your needs do not vanish when buried, and they will fester until dealt with).
Getting to that point means accepting that conflict will happen and learning to work with it. That requires you to be honest with each other.
The consequences of avoiding conflict
Avoiding conflict often comes at the cost of dismissing your own beliefs and needs- ignoring your own personhood in favor of someone else's happiness. That cannot last forever. Your beliefs and needs do not vanish if you bury them; they grow under the surface and wait until the situation is completely intolerable to burst out. You will eventually have to deal with them, and it will be much harder to deal with them peacefully if your complaints have had weeks or months to fester beforehand.
Avoiding conflict means that you never have the chance to learn how you are different from each other. Are your entire system's needs, feelings, opinions, expectations, etc. really identical to each other, or are you burying someone's desires to avoid confronting them? Do your headmates actually know you, or do they know a people pleasing front that you put up to keep everyone else happy? Are your headmates allowed to exist as themselves, or are you expecting them to emulate being you to avoid dealing with their differences?
Avoiding conflict prevents you from learning how to support each other. If someone never speaks up about wishing your bedroom had more of their favorite color in it, then they will never have a room that they truly like being in. If you never speak up about someone's behavior being controlling or harmful, then they will never learn how to back off or soften. If your systemmate never complains about not having enough time in their life, then there will never be a push to try adjusting how much time you each spend in control.
If you never say "no" or disagree, then others often begin to wonder if they can trust you to speak up when it counts. If you cannot speak up about your food preferences and other minor opinions, then are you really able to speak up about major problems in your relationships? Are you so stuck on keeping the peace that you will not try to improve your current situation? Other people may wonder about what you really want. Are you really okay with the way things are right now? Do you actually like them, or are you unwilling to say otherwise?
Avoiding conflict means stagnating. It means never having your needs met, never being truly seen, never being supported for your differences. It means never having your boundaries respected (if you have boundaries at all). It means that you are at the whims of whoever you interact with, because you will not fight back if they harm you. It means that you will only ever be known as a restricted version of yourself that never disagrees, never wants, and never strives for something better.
Is that really sustainable for you? Is that where you want to be?
you've done it! you made it through the year that was january! so have we, which means it's time for our monthly promo for our fictionfolk server, the public domain!
the public domain is a 16+ fictionfolk discord server, with an aim to provide a community space for those who identify as fictional characters, feel a strong connection to fictional characters, sources, or universe, have fictional headmates, or have any other identity label that makes the term "fictionhood" resonate with them!
we are...
a 100+ member server where members are free to discuss their experiences as fictionfolk.
doubles friendly
welcoming to all, regardless of source.
welcoming to all origins of fictionhood
welcoming to all fictionfolk identity labels (fictionkin, fictionhearted, fictionlinkers, those who experience fictionflickers, fictives, soulbonders, those with fictional hearthomes... the list goes on! regardless of terminology you use, if you identify with fictionhood, you are welcome here.)
welcoming to those questioning their fictional identity
...did we say welcoming to all? we welcome all!
largely discourse-free, with no channels dedicated purely to arguing or discourse.
system friendly and plural-run. as for bots, we have both pluralkit and tupper!
a gated community, with a small mini-application to fill out. don't worry, we'll take a look as soon as possible!
! further information !
while we are a 16+ server, we do have separate 18+ channels available
we have forums for discussing specific sources with sourcemates. if you ever want to infodump or memoryshare in a forum, go for it! does your source not have a forum? you can make one yourself!
we have channels for discussing aspects of fictional identity, as well as channels for discussing fictional identity intersecting with spirituality, bipoc identity, queer identity, fandom culture, nonhumanity, etc.
we have a question of the day bot, asking questions about your fictional identity to spark conversation! have something you'd like to ask the group? you can suggest a qotd too!
any of this sound interesting? check us out on discord and enter the public domain!
soulbonding doesn't have to be platonic. or involve any kind of close relationship between soulbonds and the person who soulbonds them
soulbonding doesn't have to involve a host. anyone in a system can soulbond including other soulbonds. a soulbond is not materially different from anyone else in a system (unless they are for reasons specific to them)
soulbonding isn't always voluntary and historically was not seen as voluntary on the part of the host/system. voluntary soulbonds are valid! but sometimes people just choose to show up
soulbonding doesn't have to involve souls! it's not meant to be literal it's meant to describe the feeling. your soulbonding is valid no matter why you believe it happens
soulbonding is just a connection to a mind who is perceived as originating from elsewhere, while also being somehow "fictional" or linked to a fictional medium
soulbonding covers OCs and originally was used by writers to refer to a character who showed up and exercised their own will over the story. it was then expanded to other people's characters. these were sometimes termed "insourced" and "outsourced" soulbonds respectively
soulbonding is basically like being a gateway system, with the potential for "daytrippers" who visit part-time and "telephone bonds" that can communicate while staying in their worlds
soulbonding can be mystical and magical if you perceive it to be so! but it has no relation to the "twin flame/destined romantic partner" idea of a soulbond that originated in the new age community. they have two separate origins. of course you can experience a romantic connection with a soulbond but they are not inherently linked
