#ace relationships

[traceyshortfilm]

So I know I only gave y'all a sip last week, but here is the full cup! 💖

[void-tiger]

Stop. Calling. Ace. Relationships. Platonic.

Aces can date. Aces can marry. Aces can experience romantic attraction and/or desire a romantic relationship.

If the aces in said-relationship describe themselves as queer platonic…then it’s queer platonic. And queer platonics are different from long-term friendships by nature, too. (Why is this so complicated for people to understand. What partners do/don’t do in a relationship do not define the relationship any more than a lack of children makes a cichet marriage automatically not a marriage.)

[asexual-society]

hey !! i kinda wanted some advice or reassurance or something. so i’m asexual but i don’t think my girlfriend knows that and i don’t really know how to tell her. we’re in a long distance relationship so it obviously doesn’t matter right now anyway, but i still feel like it’s something they should know early on in the relationship. i just don’t want it to end up being a deal breaker because i really love them. do you have any advice on how to tell her or bring it up casually in conversation?

It'll depend on the exact nature of the relationship, I think, but here are a few options you can consider:

#1: Start by talking about asexuality more broadly, then about yourself

If I were dating a (presumably allosexual) person who is already familiar with LGBTQ+ stuff or is queer themself, I would start by seeing how much she knows about asexuality specifically - for example, talking about ace pride, inclusion, intersections/overlaps between ace and other queer experiences, etc., to test the waters; if she doesn't respond well, then it might not be the best idea to move forward with the relationship.

If she responds positively to asexuality in general, then you could either come out to her (if you feel comfortable doing so) or talk about how you relate to ace people more generally (if you want to maintain some distance) !

#2: Start by talking about boundaries, or sex generally

This would probably be my tactic if I were dating someone who isn't familiar with queer stuff, or if I'm not sure how ace-friendly they are. Since most allosexuals assume that sex will be a factor eventually, you can ease into talking about asexuality by just talking about boundaries in general, things you want to do if you meet up (even just like eating together, going to a show or museum, etc).

If she brings up the topic of intimacy first, you can use a lead in like:

"Oh yeah, we should talk about what we're comfortable with / not comfortable with. Personally, ..."

"You should know that my limits are ..."

"Speaking of (x), I wanted to tell you that I have (y preferences)"

And if she doesn't, you might bring it up by saying something like:

"While we're talking about stuff to do together, do you want to talk about how we feel about (insert sexual or intimate activity here)?"

"By the way, I don't know how you feel about (x), but for me ..."

"Just so you know, I'm fine with (y), but I'd rather not / I'm not comfortable with (x)."

If she asks why or for clarification, it's up to you whether you want to disclose your asexuality - your girlfriend should accept that as a good enough reason if she wants one, but you're not obligated to give her a reason at all.

#3: Reference or share ace memes in a shared space

This can sometimes be an easy option for long-distance relationships because most interactions are online anyway, and gives you a way to passively indicate your asexuality without confrontation, or in a way that might minimize it. To refer to everyone’s favorite New York Times advice column, it can sometimes be wise to reveal something about yourself without framing it as a revelation at all -- maybe not with the intentionally guilty-manipulative aspect of that column, since being ace is much less dramatic than hiding a secret baby, but even so.

A casual reference will allow your girlfriend to ask questions if she wants to, without you having to perform the emotional labor of assuming it will be an issue. Also, starting off with memes or passing remarks can take off some of the weight from future discussions -- it will be much easier to talk about personal boundaries or identities if she has been given time to understand your asexuality as a casual, everyday part of who you are.

After all, a shared image doesn’t have to implicate your relationship! If it starts a discussion, then that’s fine, but it doesn’t need to.

That said, I would only do this if I already knew that she’s not acephobic, or if you’re in the habit of sharing memes regardless; there is a finesse to such an approach.

(And as it goes without saying -- if anyone has personal experiences or advice, feel free to add on!)

I hope this helps! Good luck!

-- mod banshee

[trinitytrilogy]

How do the Ros deal with an asexual Mc? Ranging from sex-repulse,indifferent to favorable. Are they all ok with an asexual relastionship?

They’re all fine with and respectful of an asexual relationship. C might need some explaining on what all those terms actually mean, M might seem a bit flippant and tries too hard to seem super knowledgable, and A and K are both super supportive and knowledgable about the LGBTQ+ community, so they’d be completely happy with anything.

This probably won’t be addressed in-book, but I’m happy to answer more asks about it.

[queer-cat-policy]

Enough to Be Loved

Some of my friends wonder why I do not accept that being single for the rest of my life should be expected and is okay. Being single because I am asexual... because finding someone who loves me enough to accept that I don't want sex and need time and patience is just so unlikely in this world, in this culture... this is a notion I do not want to fathom and it keeps me up at night and people have the audacity to wonder why? And to tell me that it'll be okay.

Because even my most supportive friends are inherently saying that I do not have the right to be loved so exclusively by another human being... by saying that they support the bane of my existence, the notion created by our modern culture that love cannot exist without sex. And because I will not have sex, I cannot be loved.

I am not enough to be loved. Because I am asexual and I have no sexual attraction, I do not want to have sex with anyone...

Instead, dear my mysterious future other,

I love you for being you. For making me laugh, for being patient, for ranting with me, for noticing me, for understanding, for sharing moments with me that I will close my eyes and pretend it never ended... because I love you for you... and I will tell you I love you and make sure you know that you are loved. I will notice you. And I hope you laugh at my stupid jokes I have been and will be telling for years.

But even my most supportive friends tell me it'll be okay that I may never find the one because I am not enough to be loved.

That's pretty cruel, right?

Dear friends and allies,

Think again.

Because I am asexual and I am enough to be loved. Because love is not defined by sex and if it is then you are the problem not my community.

[2amfog]

Valentine Offerings

So as I was telling my daughter yesterday, I really kinda want to write something for today.  The only problem is that I’m still deeply struggling with mental health issues, and the down-swing of my depression always leaves me unable to write anything.  This down-swing has been shallower but longer-lasting, and I just open up documents or notebooks or really anything and stare at it blankly, even if I have a prompt or a whole damn plot idea, because I just. Can’t.

BUT!  Because I also want to celebrate this day by sharing some love with the people out there I care about, my offering to you is below.  They are a couple of my older fics that I am honestly pleased with and proud of.  If you choose to read one, I hope you enjoy it!

Overlaid with Gold

Fandom: Cabin Pressure Relationships: Martin/Douglas, Carolyn & Arthur Tags: Soulmate identifying marks, non-sexual soulmates, non-romantic soulmates, first meetings, un-betaed, canon compliant (sort of), spoilers, Douglas’ POV, Asexual characters Summary:  Everyone wore rings, though few enough wore them on both hands.  Douglas wished the rings he wore hid color, rather than a lack of it.

Not a Garden

Fandom: Gundam Wing Relationships: Wufei/Duo, Heero/Relena (background), Relena + Wufei Tags: Soulmate AU, College AU, mentions of child abuse, mentions of suicide attempts, un-betaed, Asexual character, awkwardness, aloof Wufei, misunderstandings, miscommunications, talking it out rather than festering, verbal fighting, name-calling, anger, oblique references to animal abuse in chapter 15 Summary: Flowers were a universal symbol of suffering, but symbols didn’t exist in a vacuum.  Written based on the prompt: you get flowered tattoos wherever your soulmate receives a scar.

[a-perfect-day-for-bananafish]

Love Is Love

[euqinuized]

In a world that sexualizes [literally] everything, I have to keep reminding myself:

you do not have to have sex

You do not have to have sex.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE SEX!