It took me a long time to recognize that I tried to control circumstances and even more time to understand why. Eventually I realized it all boils down to fear. Fear, that if I let things go, some sort of disaster would strike that I could have prevented.
Issues with control stem from living in an unstable environment, especially in childhood. As a kid, things in my world seemed out of control and I felt helpless in terms of changing the situation. HOWEVER....I tried. I tried being funny; achieving at school and in sports; cleaning the house from top to bottom; helping others; and so on. But it didn't change the dynamics of my family. Eventually I turned to drugs and alcohol. They didn't fix anything, but I found a way to "control" my feelings by avoiding them altogether.
As an adult, the deep trauma of family dysfunction shows up when we start trying to fix potentially dangerous, harmful or painful experiences that would cause us to feel those old feelings of chaos and helplessness. We want to avoid those painful scenarios at all costs.
Learning to let go and let the universe work things out has been a long and bumpy road. Without some faith, I would not have been able to accept that it's the best path for everyone involved. Issues of co-dependency also creep in – I don't feel good if you don't feel good. Today I realize I'm in control of just one thing – how I decide to react and respond to the world around me, knowing that I can't fix anyone or anything outside of myself. I lead the best life I can and set the best example I can. I love others without judgement (as best I can!) and most of all, I love me enough to know that getting involved in other people's business is not helpful to anyone. Live and let live friends. This is the path to freedom.
