Peter ends up in DC (not in gotham omg) exactly where he was in his universe. It takes him a two full days to realize hes not in his universe bc he chalked a lot of the strangeness to the spell Strange casted
But nope. Hes in a new universe that has completely different heroes, and more importantly, completely different memes (what the hell is "do the butts match"??) And this place has a distinct lack of one Tony Stark
So Peter basically starts up Stark Enterprises in NY again bc he poor and its what Tony (probably) wouldve wanted. He had to pay for this metabolism somehow
But obviously peter needed an investor or twenty, but who needs more than one when Brucie Wayne exists?? Hes like a hunkier yet still bimbo Tony, and practically throws his money at any sad looking teen
But Brucie wayne ends up taking him under his wing, bc hes like. An 18/19 year old CEO and he is Very Concerned abt how this kid not only invented a new type of metal (vibranium) and a very powerful form of energy (arc reactors), so he pays extra attention bc he does NOT need a villain running around with that kind of power and intelligence to back it
And peter is cautious at first but ends up equating Brucie Wayne to Tony Stark (billionaire, playboy, philanthropist? Hello? Bruce is just a foot taller than tony and thats the only difference) and gets wayyyy too comfortable
Comfortable to the point that he kinda starts to treat Brucie Wayne like Tony stark, in that he kind just blurts out whatever hes thinking around hom and just randomly calls bruce to ask for help
"hey is *insert company* chill? They wanna do a collab or something? Idk"
Brucie Wayne, actively on air in a live interview "Funded an anti LGBTQ+ movement a couple months ago, Peter, they're so last season"
No one let's bruce live down he said that on live television. Bruce defends it by saying its what Brucie Wayne would've said in that situation. No one denies it.
"Hey, can I legally *smth stupid that Bruce absolutely also tried to do as a young CEO*?"
Bruce, actively on patrol. "...unfortunately, tha answer is yes, but i strongly advice against it"
"Your advice is strongly noted. Thanks, Mr Wayne!"
Theres yelling in the distance and some sort of explosion followed by maniacal laughter. Bruce hangs up the phone for his own peace of mind
"Mr wayne, I think i just developed a new energy arc reactor"
Bruce, actually sleeping for once "...Peter, it is 4:37 in the morning"
Peter ends up being basically Bruce's most unofficial son. Or maybe like a nephew that calls their uncle instead of their parents. Whatever is it, the public eats it up and the Batkids are Not Amused
Except Tim. Tim thinks peter is a riot, as a fellow young CEO. But also bc peter has literally no supervision, press training, or even council to answer to, so this witty (and angry tbh) teen (who was also recently widowed from his last family member)(aunt may) kinda just. Says whatever he wants and does whatever he wants (within reason)
Idk... I love my dick as Peter's dad trope, but bruce as Peter's almost-dad-maybe-uncle (its a weird gray area. Hes got issues, okay?) Is objectively hilarious
Bruce Wayne catching peter as Spider-man or half dressed in the suit,,, his instincts as a father, Brucie Wayne persona, and vigilante life all merge together into one, immaculate reply
"Peter Benjamin Parker, what the fuck?"
Dysfunctional found family my beloved,,,
OH OH AND imagine they find out they're all vigilantes right?? So peter uses the design from the iron spider to make them nanite suits too they'd look so fire Tim would LOVE it
Peter thinks batman is like, a bat meta, so he keeps waiting on rooftops and trying to give him fruit and everyone is like "if anyone ruins this im breaking the no kill rule" and Peter's absolutely MORTIFIED when he finds out
Oracle: Hey, batman?
Batman, already sighing. His Dad Gut is going off.
Spoiler: I know that sigh! Is it fruit kid? I hope its fruit kid. Hes insane I love him
Oracle, not even hiding her laugh: fruit kid has a name, ya know
Red Robin, maybe losing his mind a little bit: no one believes his name is Peter Pan! He used the peanut butter as proof when B asked!
Nightwing: hes a riot, RR, gotta respect his commitment to chaos
Batman: same spot as usual?
Oracle: Yep. Oohhh, hes got bananas and watermelon today. I think he was Google best fruit for bats in the library
Robin: no he asked me about that, he was googling how much is safe for them to eat
Theres distorted laughing on the other end of the line
Batman absolutely not upset at all. This is probably the most wholesome interaction hes had with a civilian in years. (Alfred already had a room ready at the manor, unbeknownst to him)
Batman lands stealthily on a rooftop, right on the edge between crime Alley and robbinville. "Fruit Boy", although they mostly call him by Peter too, since he actually responded to that. And also because the last time someone (Read: Spoiler) called his fruit boy, he said she sounded homophobic and hed ruin her street cred. He had put up little Christmas lights for when he waited for Batman so he could find him.
Peter looked behind him just as batman landed. It was suspicious, and maybe running into one too many child assassins had made Bruce weary in his age. Though, its not like Peter actually moved like an assassin... he just seemed to be eerily aware.
Batman only says that because hes seen him trip over nothing, faceplanting into the chili dog with pickles splattering comically all around him. Like a fallen angel, nightwing had said.
Peter peaked up as soon as he saw Batman.
Peter, holding up a platter of fresh fruits for Batman up over his head: Hey! Took you long enough
Batman, smiling lightly: I thought i told you it wasn't safe to keep doing this?
He took a piece of cut up banana regardless.
Peter blew a raspberry.
Peter, eyebrows furrowed: do you know how many calories a bat has to eat a day?
Batman, humorously: how many?
Peter, shrugging: dunno. But i never see you guys eat, so youre probably not hitting the benchmark.
Peter held up a bag of trail mix happily.
Peter: I got some for your birds too!
Laughter exploded on the otherside of the comm. Batman almost chuckled too, but Peter was being earnest. (It was the only time he was earnest, considering he spent the rest of his time roasting Batman and anyone not wearing a full face mask. Which was everyone except Red Hood and Orphan, unfortunately for Batman.)
Batman: thank you Peter, im sure they'll appreciate it.
He ate a couple more pieces of fruit to make Peter happy, but as usual left over half the fruit for Peter. The kid frowned, but had since learned to stop arguing. He seemed to take Bruce not finishing the fruit as him not liking it or some adjacent health problem.
It was like his hand had a mind of its own, Batman watched, unable to stop it as it landed in a mess of brown curls.
Batman panicked, expecting how his kids would normally react. Swatting, a light attempt at stabbing, maybe a bite.
Peter visibly bluescreened, but otherwise seemed to enjoy the touch.
Batman: be safe, okay?
Peter: yeah yeah, wrap it before you tap it, go beat up a mugger or something man
Batman sighed.
This kid was also incapable of taking anything seriously, except the most unserious things. Like feeding Batman fruit and insisting he send trail mix to Robin because hes, quote unquote, "a growing biroy. Get it? I put together bird and boy". He laughed at his own joke for a full seven minutes. Batman had thought he was hit with Joker venom, but no, his humor was really that lame.
Batman shot his grappling hook, showing off a little because it made Peter cheer for him.
He managed to sneak a couple twenties in Peters pocket before leaping into the night.
I humbly present to you peter genuinely forgetting his biologically related because everyone else is adopted
Peter: hey, can we run my DNA? Ive always wondered what my spider to human ratio is ever since the bite of '87
Tim, not looking away from the batcomputer: oh, we already ran that
Peter: what?? when???
Tim, finally looking up wiht raised eyebrows: ...uh, when we... took you in...?
Peter: but I don't remember there being any bloodwork done when you guys adopted me?
Tim, staring at Peter evidently amused:
Dick walking in with a smoothie: what's going on, guys?
Peter, shrugging: asking Tim if we can test how much of me is all spidery, but he's saying you guys ran that when I was adopted.
Dick, sharing a look with Tim: Peter...
Peter, looking at him weird: Dick you're such a millennial. ellipses are so out of date
Tim, the hypocrite: facts
Dick, rolling his eyes: anyways, Peter, buddy, you're not adopted
Peter, confused: uh? yes I am?? am I the only one who remembers the whole multiverse thing, because I have a lot of issues around the topics of losing memory and the multiverse in the same sentence
Peter: Why is Tim filming
Dick, setting down his smoothie and placing a hand on Peter's shoulder: Peter, I'm your dad.
Peter, totally blue-screening: ...oh shit I totally forgot that
Dick, patting his shoulder: it's okay, sometimes we forget Damian's biologically related, too
Tim, from behind his camera: and one time Dick asked Bruce for his medical history to figure out if he's predisposed to anything.
Dick: It's true. didn't realize till we were two hours in
Peter, nodding: yeah, that checks out.
Peter: wait, so am I predisposed to anything?
Dick, blue-screening: Uh...
Tim, still holding a camera: addiction and a hero complex
Dick, side eyeing TIm and plotting payback: I see how it is
Tim: glad bad eyesight isn't getting passed on, too
Peter, literally holding a finger up: actually, I was super near sighted before I got my powers
Dick, furrowing his brows: wait, really? But you still wear your glasses?
Peter, shrugging: well, they're not prescription or anything. they were my uncle's glasses. I like wearing them because they remind me of him
Dick, feeling bad: oh, Peter—
Peter, purposely ruining the moment: Oh, and I used to have asthma too
Tim, ruining the moment further: wait a minute. so you wore glasses
Peter: yes? literally just said that
Tim: had asthma
Peter: dude, I just— oh no.
A realization dawns.
Tim, grinning: and still are a massive nerd?
Peter: I don't like you anymore
Dick, suddenly sullen: i wanna see tiny, blind, asthmatic Peter...
Tim: Yeah, then he wouldn't be able to run away
Dick: that sounds so bad when you say it like that
Tim: okay, but it's true??? We chased him for MONTHS
Peter: Oh yeah, forgot about that
Tim: maybe we need to check you for memory problems...
Steph: Hey, just letting you guys know Mr. Benched left the comms on
Tim, rolling his eyes and moving to mute:
Steph, sensing a disturbance in the force: hey wait, don't mute I wanna hear more about tiny nerdy Pete—
Tim, spinning around in the batchair: so how many swirlies did you get in school?
Peter, unimpressed: so how many pregnancy scares did you have?
Tim: ...touche
Dick, sniffling: I've never been more proud as a father
LATER
Peter, suddenly: hey, no one every answered how much spider I am
Tim: oh right
Tim: less than 1%, honestly. anymore than that and you'd have some extra unwanted limbs and some serious deformities and mutations
Peter: ...DNA is so finicky
Tim snorted. He would know a thing or two about finicky DNA, wouldn't he? Tim "I cloned my gay best friend repeatedly after he died because I couldn't accept it" Drake.
Dick: peter, I know this might be hard to hear, but... im your dad
Peter, squinting: what?? No, my dad had long hair
Dick, kinda lowkey surprised bc he had long hair way back in his early twenties and no one besides like Bruce, Jason and maybe Tim were around for it: I literally have the DNA test results
Jason, appearing from absolutely nowhere with a picture of a younger Dick: like this?
Peter: yeah that's him!
Dick, deadpan: that's literally me
Peter: no youre like a white washed, less cool version
Jason absolutely dying of laughter.
Dick: you know what? I know how to do a lace wig, gimme 5
Need a fic like when the batfam meets the JL but where Nightwing's already been in it for a while and they need someone with Peter's exact skillset/powers and they're all like
"Where are we going to get someone like, who's also trained and on our side?"
Nightwing and Batman make eye contact, and somehow have an entire conversation, wherein Nightwing ends up sighing heavily.
"I... think I know someone"
Whoevers present leans in, intrigued as to who it could be. The robins were already crossed off, they had the skillset, but now the powers. Place they were getting into was a technological deadzone, and they needed to be able to either climb walls or jump really high (flying seemed to set off sensors) (even jumping was kinda iffy)
Then Spider-man comes through a zeta tube. The first thing he does is call them a "super secret boy band" and ask "who let a millennial minimalist in here? Looked up drab in the dictionary and a picture of this place came up"
Batman, weirdly enough, doesnt say anything. Which isn't a total surprise, since spider-man works in bludhaven with nightwing, so he probably knows the guy at least a bit
Anyways, the red and blue clad teenage vigilante is given instructions on what they're doing and what the objective is. While they cant use comms or cams, the do have Martian Manhunter, who will project and help relay information to and fro
Which is all buildup bc I want peter to get to be all badass and show off in front of the JL and maybe some shock factor from the closer ones like "that's your son!?"
Idk i just RLLY want some spiderman + justice league if anyone's got any fics 👀
Peter being rlly far away from smth and the batfam are freaking out and hes like "chillax bro I can make it" and hes like a full 2 minute dead print from Cass (their fastest besides peter) and they are losing their MARBLES
Que peter busting out w his (forgettable but canon) enhanced speed (think it tops out at like 250-300???) And fucjing. FLOORS it
But he can't, like, stop properly and he just. Slams into either a wall OR a super or smth
OR OR he is able to stop, but it literally melts his shoes and rips up his feet horrendously
Tims like "wtf peter!?! You didnt say you had super speed!?"
And peter, with his feet actively bleeding and smelling like burnt rubber from the friction of stopping, first priority is correcting tim
"Well, super speed is a bit of a stretch. Enhanced is more accurate because, like, the flash way is faster than me, yknow?"
Duke stares. "You... are aware hes literally the exception?"
