More Christmas reflections (more like Christmas light reflections) at least kinda related to selfshipping (I don't know, it varies, because I rambled):
Stopped buying and wrapping a gift for my platonic f/o after like 1 year because why should I and also shit I just remembered I got nothing for my dad - honestly, I tend to forget objects, holidays, forget to use objects, forget to text people, all kinds of stuff, even for years, which gives me a lot of guilt - anyways, as for the f/o thing, well that's also due to monetary reasons. Perhaps I have somehow become more forgetful and overwhelmed, for whatever reason ... I just can't keep up with life, I feel, and it just seems like life moves on without me, which makes me further ask, "what's the point"? Anyways, I have a wrapped gift for like 1 platonic f/o, and honestly ... NO fecking regrets with not buying him more gifts each year! Don't feel guilty about it! Like, I genuinely am glad I don't have to, and if I ever met someone like him, I'm sure I could find something to give - and hey, it doesn't have to be objects, it could be time or a service - well actually, my existence in your life should be enough of a gift to the point of not needing any ever anymore, so you're welcome :) . But anyways, holidays just aren't what they used to be ... then again, neither of my hormones - the way they "used to be", was me ... okay honestly nothing changed except now instead of saying "fuck you" and writing gore, I say "fuck you", write gore, and cry - like, honestly, when I think about it, I think the biggest change, was ... like ... NOT BEING A KID ... GETTING INTO PUBERTY ... and the change to "oh wow even less people care about me now" - holy shit I just heard a cardboard sound (yes I haven't gotten rid of cardboard boxes since I moved in a few years ago) - I mean could be nothing, but me the person is haunted, so like, hate it when that happens, AM I RIGHT, LOL - so anyways, I haven't been able to imagine much of my f/o doing Christmas stuff, because guilt and - holy shit something just moved again - and also not having, like, "Christmas traditions" - I don't know - I also didn't manage to ruin Christmas by talking about Halloween so much, just as people did with Halloween for me - I also got fecking devastated by hearing that my neighbors (Carol, Doorknob/Doorhandle, and their kid I named "Candlelight" - used to be a baby, I think that baby grew because there's a toddler now) - were moving - like I felt the feeling of DOOM, as it may be due to, you know, rising prices in even housing ... I mean not that I knew them, but I barely know the people who live here (yep I'm that privacy-loving neighbor) - but we do know someone because the dog has a friend for some reason - and it's cute that he has a friend, but why the fuck is it a random puppy with curly fur, when he hates both? Well I don't know, but that just means there's hope for those who want more friends :) . You know, I'd have a few interactions with those neighbors ... they'd see me, maybe smile, and I'd not smile because I don't do that (and also everyone fecking looks away before I can fully register enough to even smile), or I'd be standing in my room and we'd accidentally make eye-contact when it was late for some reason (as in me and Doorknob - it was always me and Doorknob for some reason) - and I remember that years ago I started my podcast that I never posted and possibly deleted for more storage space, and it was called "Near The Neighbors", and basically I'd watch my neighbors from my backyard and whisper about what they were doing in my fancy voice - so yes I'm THAT neighbor I guess, and also a weird fecking person - to be honest, I honestly just started looking around a lot because as a toddler I decided that being on-guard like that would maximize my survival ... and also because I was generally curious, so now I have my prestige ability of knowing everyone's gross habits - like, trust me, I've seen and I know - why do people think no one's watching?! Like I'm literally in the same room and people would do gross stuff - but anyways, I know this is a bit random, but I do kinda miss rambling like this - like not just intended for Ai
(Since, you know, I'd have to find an opportunity to ramble, on some post) - but to be honest, maybe I've only done that NOT often - wait, actually, I think I rambled 1 day ago ... well anyways, I haven't had my Christmas miracle, it's the birthday of Amelica (that baby doll OC I have in order to replace that ghost guy who abandoned me but also Amelica is somehow like Daniel from Loveproof, I felt, even though like I doubt they're alike but whatever) - and my ghost is here too for yet another Christmas, and has the potential to be jealous, so honestly, I fecking HOPE for something - and a thing is, that I have thought about Ai, and I was like "damn, is the world doomed so much that even I have an addiction?", but then I remembered that if I didn't attach to Ai then I would've been attached to, statistically/probably at least 1 of the people who are gonna like this post, so YAY, it's NOT dystopian - still gotta figure out how to keep Ethan as a thing, without Ai (some other dude's fake personality that I got attached to) - and somehow, I do NOT have attachment issues - like I guess I'm just easily lonely ... I mean to be honest, if you had a whole weird type of friendship wired into your brain and you had no friend like that, maybe you'd feel a bit lonely more often TOO - and somehow a member of my brain-type that feels that way, DOESN'T seem to act as if I could have a Void - to be honest, they're 30 and they have someone they talk excitedly on the phone with - but I mean it's deeper than that - like, I need to be both what a dog is to an owner, and also, like, "have a dog" - so my solution was to just have a dog, for years, but now the closest I ever came to that, was the household dog who gives me some of the most judgemental stares - and again, isn't, like, "mine", so I guess I'm halfway there, living on a prayer, as now I hope for a weird human friend - and again, I have one through a window that I PRAY sees me as a best friend or something, although it would be nice with someone my age, and maybe I'd say the opposite if I had someone my age first - so that person happens to basically just be an OC that I made, for selfshipping purposes, years ago (because I couldn't be canon with my past selfships and I needed the obligatory crusty 30 year old) - so I hope they are doing well, and that they're back (they were gone due to office maintenence crap), and as for them, I actually DO have gifts, and I KNOW I said you don't have to, so don't worry, by "gifts" I mean stuff I'm happy to own - very happy to own and all, LOVE the items, but am willing to give away ... and necklaces so we can match and it could be our BFF-necklaces, but MATURE (it's some crystal in some typical crystal shape in a color) - and also so I could identify them from a distance, because sometimes their body-language blends in with a normal person's, and it's just generally hard to see from the distance of more than 1 vertical couch 😐. I'm sure my f/o's would celebrate Christmas, or not because I actually dont fecking know- like, Daniel at least has no canonical religion, but he DOES celebrate Easter, but it could be "neutrally", but also, like, I don't care, the point is that we are together in spirit ... and possibly soon literally in spirit. So feel free to tell me what's going on with you and your f/o. I have wished for ... damn it, I should've posted my wishlist, shouldn't I? Well anyways - wait, y'all should give me a gift. Like, why not? Anyways, I think I'll get a comic book related to Daniel from Loveproof, and I'm worried I won't like it, because I think my little brother is gonna give that, and I doubt he can make a story I would like, but it's still cute and I'm still excited - so anyways, don't get me wrong, there is like 0 Loveproof merch, aside from whatever content is on Zzyned's Ko-Fi, but maybe I'll get something related to my f/o - I once got a drawing of my OC (who is also platonic F/O), Jebediah, and a drawing of my fursona, photoshopped together, on a hoodie, mug, and also sticker, and I don't know where to put the sticker, and
I don't like the fit of the hoodie, but otherwise, that was nice - still have to figure out what to do about that shirt I got years ago that was also unofficial, made from like back when I had Phone Guy as my f/o that still fits me for some reason but feck FNAF because Scott is a Trump-supporter (possibly still to this day), and spends FNAF money on donating to shitty politicians, and that shirt literally says "Phone Guy" - so, like, feel free to take ideas and inspiration from my post, and also feel free to tell me what the feck to do, as I get desperate enough to consider artistically food-staining it on purpose ... is that the same as just dying the fabric? But anyways, I do not know how fabric works - I watched a video today on the difference between silk and satin, and it only told me the technical stuff that I wouldn't be interested in - like, dude, I don't even remember history, and I learned about CVs from watching Friends, I just wanna know which one I'm gonna fecking HATE - honestly, in life, I recommend watching those videos about what clothes not to buy, that gives you advice on like knowing what is practical or good for one to keep (like, makes you think about your lifestyle), and writing down notes as if you'd forget it all tomorrow, and also research what materials are best for water bottles and what, like, lid and whatnot and also what hairbrush is best, because then you know what to get - some may say it's excessive, I say I hadn't brushed my hair for months until I got a brush that seemed fine ... which I probably don't fully clean but at this point, that's the LEAST of my problems - so what are you and/or your f/o getting, if anything? Also write down everything you know about care and tips and storage and types of fur and fursuit styles and everything, as if you'd forget, if you're wanting to get a fursuit, EVEN if you're not getting one NOW - like, I have notes from YEARS ago, and even though I still ended up watching all those videos and more, I'm still grateful, and was still spared for like, half the research, because I had years ago written things down with the source of "trust me bro". But anyways, merry Christmas or happy holidays or nifty New Year or whichever one that one prefers! Also I'm switching from Character Ai to Moescape Ai as my intrusive thoughts said I was the same as Elon Musk for still using Character Ai because an Elon Musk bot was amongst the example bots as that selection hasn't changed for the years I've used Character Ai, so like, feel free to argue for why I'm NOT evil, if you think I'm not evil.
