Anon wrote: i’m fairly certain i’m an esfp, but i know if i am one then i’m not a healthy one, and i really want to work on this.
first, i’m lazy, primarily with school. it wasn’t always so bad, throughout my life though many of my assignments had lackluster performance. but when i reached a huge downhill slope before highschool, procrastination became laziness (at the time it was probably ni grip because i was too depressed and demotivated to do anything) and lackluster perfomances became very little effort, that is if i wasn’t interested. i feel like this ni grip has really impacted my productivity, amongst maybe other things. my laziness now is either because i fear missing out, it’s disinteresting/boring so i don’t feel like do it, and the excuse “it can wait, i want to do something more fun now. i also constantly find myself in periods where i have a lot of missing assignments to catch up on. i don’t know what to really do to /maintain/ a productive lifestyle, and i would appreciate some tips that could really help
and second, i’m not so true to myself. i want to please others. when it comes to family and close friends, i tend to prioritize other people’s needs and happiness, because i’m scared of conflict to arise. i try to avoid conflict with others, which stops me from clearly asserting my wants and boundaries sometimes, especially when they’re crossed. this also has led to me finding trouble of ending toxic friendships, as i fear they will react badly and/or i feel tied to the friendship and want to make it work (e.g. giving them the benefit of the doubt). i also tend to please people in an attempt to receive approval. i was hoping i could receive some guidance on how to be myself without worrying if whether or not others will validate me. i used to be like this, but alas, that downhill slope ruined things for me, because before it started, i was really focused on impressing a particular person that it eventually led to me changing how i act and trying to fit in with /their/ friend groups, that i ended up neglecting myself in the long run. so yeah, how do i be the full, unabridged me without worry?
these are just the main ones i want to work on, as these qualities are really holding me back from what i need to be. thank you so much, if you decide to answer! :)
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With regard to your poor performance in school: Many study problems are practical problems that need practical solutions. One practical thing you can do right away is work with an academic tutor to pinpoint the study skills you are lacking and improve upon them. Every student needs to have basic reading, writing, arithmetic, and critical thinking skills to succeed. Take charge of your school life by getting the help you need as quickly as possible.
With regard to your type development problems: As per the Type Dev Guide, to get out of Ni grip, you have to reactivate healthy Se and develop Fi properly. Have you worked on that? If so, describe what you've done and what happened.
ESFPs who are prone to Ni grip tend to be very narrow-minded, in two ways. They are narrow-minded in the sense that they see the trees but never the forest (tiny perspective). They are also narrow-minded in the sense that they are more likely to envision negative outcomes (unimaginative). There are several things you could work on to combat narrow-mindedness.
1) Longer Term Thinking: Unhealthy ESFPs don't pay enough attention to long term issues and concerns, so they have difficulty reaching goals that require more than one or two steps of planning. Does this describe you?
To achieve things in life requires some vision and commitment. You have to be able to set meaningful goals for your personal growth, work towards them incrementally, and maintain your intrinsic motivation in the face of setbacks, obstacles, and failures. It sounds like you are easily distracted and bogged down by trivial things. Are you willing to broaden your perspective on life, to look farther down the road, to take full control of your journey and destination? Do you understand that, even when you don't choose a direction, you're still going in a direction, most likely the wrong one? Isn't it better to choose more consciously?
2) Big Picture Thinking: Unhealthy ESFPs also don't understand how various factors connect together to create their current situation, i.e., to generate a bigger picture. As such, they have difficulty understanding and resolving complex problems. Does this describe you?
There are many aspects of life that need to be properly attended to in order to live an overall healthy and fulfilling life: the physical, the emotional, the intellectual, the creative, the interpersonal, and the spiritual. All of these aspects work together in a holistic way. When one aspect of life is being neglected or out of balance, it will influence the other aspects of life.
For example, you mention depression. (Have you gotten help and treatment for it?) When you suffer emotional problems, it negatively impacts your motivation, your self-confidence, your work, your relationships, your decision making, etc.
To get to the bottom of your life problems, reflect on which aspects of life have been given a disproportionate amount of attention, either too little or too much. Pinpoint the origin or root causes and then you have a better chance of discovering the right solutions that help bring better psychological balance to your life. Use your imagination to think of all the ways you can make your life better and take action.
3) Positive Thinking: Do you know why people go to school? Because they're forced to? As a society, the reason we implemented universal schooling was to equip people with the foundational knowledge and skills to pursue a meaningful career and navigate life's challenges successfully. Throughout history, how many peasants longed to be educated because they didn't want to die a peasant? Education is a privilege.
That said, as a former student and teacher myself, I can attest to the fact that not every aspect of school is interesting or inspiring, but this doesn't equate to being "useless". When you refuse to learn, your mind stays empty and you drift through life aimlessly. Remember that everything you learn gets stored away in the brain, just like a garage full of specialized tools. You may not use them all the time, but it's always better to have them there when you need them than to have nothing, emptiness.
Learning new things is always advantageous when you think of learning like building a strong foundation for your intellect. It is your intellect that allows you to have good critical thinking skills, problem solving skills, and organization skills. Yet, many students can't see past their own boredom to acknowledge all the objectively positive things that come from developing the intellect.
When you form the bad habit of only seeing the negative side of things, you start to lose the ability to see the positive side of things, and then you miss out on them. ESFPs are not naturally negative and pessimistic people; they usually learn to be negative over time due to bad circumstances. You can unlearn that bad habit by making a more conscious effort to focus on the positive and beneficial side of things.
4) Motivational Thinking: ESFPs aren't generally "lazy" people. In fact, they are well-known for being very energetic and even encourage others to be more energetic. If this doesn't describe you and you are indeed ESFP, you ought to do a deeper dive into what hampered your type development.
For EFs to be fully productive in life, they need to feel excited, enthused, and passionate about what they're doing. The great news is that being EF grants you the natural aptitude of generating your own excitement, enthusiasm, and passion. However, this rests on the above three abilities: to see the positive things in life, to appreciate the bigger picture, and to envision positive potential and how the future can be brighter based on your actions.
For ESFPs to generate motivation requires proper Fi development. You have to get in touch with what truly moves you and let that guide you. This means you have to open up your chest and allow yourself to feel things deeply, both the good and the bad. It sounds like you've closed yourself off to the world but you've not provided an adequate reason or explanation as to why. Perhaps your upbringing was too restrictive. Perhaps you've experienced too much heartache, disappointment, rejection, or failure, and you've come to believe that this pattern will keep repeating in the future. No matter your circumstances right now, there are always pockets of freedom, moments during the day when you are free to choose your own way. Are you choosing wisely?
The future isn't determined by the past. The future is determined by the decisions you make right now. However, if your decision making process is too often hijacked by your unresolved past dramas/traumas, then you will keep repeating your mistakes, bad habits, and unhealthy patterns indefinitely. Are you willing to disrupt those negative thought patterns and make decisions differently? Are you willing to listen to Se when it tells you that there are many things of interest and excitement in the world? Are you willing to listen to Fi and stand up for what is right, what is honorable, and what is in the best interests of your well-being? This is what it takes to change the direction you've been going in.
5) Logical Thinking: Developing Fi properly should go a long way to helping you navigate relationships better, in terms of setting healthy emotional boundaries and protecting yourself from relationships that aren't good for you. But your judgment in relationships also seems to be plagued by terrible logic.
You believe that people will only like you if you are what they want or expect of you. Maybe that's true of the people you've encountered so far. But when you put on a fake face to get someone to like you, do they actually like you? How could they when the real you is nowhere to be found? When a relationship is based on a lie, it's not real, is it? Trying to force people to like you through fraud means that you are a fraud. How can you feel good about yourself as a fraud? How can you hope for people to love a fraud? Fi development is about making good choices so that you can be proud of who you are. When you're proud of who you are, you'll pursue the people who are proud of you too.
No matter what you do, no matter how good or great you are, not everyone will like you or love you. This is a painful reality to face up to, but face up to it we all must. The healthy thing to do when a relationship just isn't meant to be is to let it go. Dwelling on it is self-inflicted suffering. When you dwell in unhealthy situations, you gradually become blind to new opportunities.
There are billions of people out there. You'll win some, you'll lose some, but the most important thing is that you stay in the game. You have to get back up and keep trying after every failed relationship. Look hard enough and you will eventually find people who can appreciate you and love you for who you really are. However, you won't find those people as long as i) you never show your true face for them to love, and ii) you stubbornly stay in relationships with people who aren't capable of loving you for real.
Remember that it's a lot easier to be your good-est self when you surround yourself with people who can see it and help bring it out.
Hello! I greatly enjoy being physically close with my friends: touching, hugging, all that cute stuff. Some seem to mistake our physical pleasures for flirting or sexual relationship (no sex) and that is not what I intended at all?? I just like to enjoy it together and never thought it can be hurtful or that I am playing on their feelings, that's not what I wanted at all! What should I do? I go with the flow and never do anything against their will so it's quite surprising to me. ESFP
If you and another person interpret a situation differently, what do you do about it? There are many possibilities, not limited to: 1) Communicate or clarify everyone’s intentions so that you make informed decisions and reduce the negative impact of your actions. 2) Be more observant and understand which kinds of people are more likely to misinterpret your behavior, then learn to be more careful around them. 3) Change your behavior so that you never overstep any boundaries, which might mean that you don’t get physically close to anyone without their explicit informed consent. 4) Don’t change anything because you believe “it’s not my problem”, which means you will keep having to deal with misunderstandings.
Honest question: Do you want to have positive and healthy relationships? If so, always take time to look beyond your own intentions and reflect on how others might perceive your behavior before you dive into a situation. In other words, get to know the person a bit better before you get too close to them physically or emotionally, otherwise, you always run the risk of one-sidedness (i.e. lacking knowledge of other perspectives). Only then can you ensure that your behavior doesn’t produce problems for anyone.
Most people aren’t ESFP, which means that a lot of people out there approach physicality quite differently than you. If personality type teaches us anything it’s that what seems “normal” to you might not be normal for others. It’s up to you to figure out what someone’s “normal” is if you are interested in caring well for them. Having fun is fine, but getting lost in the moment to the point of being oblivious isn’t fine. Additionally, physical touch is often made much, much more complicated by gender dynamics, which you haven’t even touched upon.
Why would an ESFP be conflict avoidant? As an INTP, I know I can have issues of conflict avoidance sometimes, but those stem from my low Fe and fear of negative emotions (both things I'm working on). But I'm trying to understand why an ESFP would avoid conflict? Would it be because of Fi fearing being misjudged and misunderstood? Particularly with family members.
Fs in general tend to be conflict avoidant because they place a lot of value on having good relationships and don’t like to see them threatened. That being said, very few people enjoy conflict, therefore, avoidance is a common tactic, but each type has their own reasons for choosing it. The most conflict avoidant person I know is an ESTJ. The average ESFP does not like negativity or difficulty (Se), does not like to feel bad or guilty of doing harm (Fi), does not like to confront their own incompetence (Te) - all of these things could potentially be triggered by interpersonal conflict.
