The Five Minute Rule
Author is going to attempt to do one post at least every day to clear out her drafts since theres hundreds
The first thing Sirius Black did upon arriving back at Gryffindor Tower was loudly announce:
“I’ve committed a crime.”
The common room barely reacted.
James Potter looked up from where he was unsuccessfully attempting to balance a gobstone on Peter’s forehead.
“Again?”
“Potentially several.”
“Nice.”
Remus Lupin lowered his book with the exhausted expression of a man who had known Sirius Black too long.
“What did you do?”
Sirius grinned.
Then stepped aside dramatically.
Regulus Black stood in the portrait hole looking like he’d just been dragged through another dimension.
He was very obviously high.
Not subtle high.
Not “a little relaxed” high.
No.
Regulus looked absolutely fucking obliterated.
His dark curls were messy like he’d been running his hands through them for an hour straight, his tie was hanging halfway out of his pocket for some reason, and his pupils were so blown wide he looked permanently shocked by the concept of light.
He blinked slowly at the room.
Then pointed at the fireplace.
“Why’s it moving.”
“It’s fire,” Lily Evans said.
Regulus narrowed his eyes suspiciously.
“Seems fake.”
Then he walked directly into the arm of the sofa.
James immediately lost it.
“Oh my god he’s broken.”
“I am not broken,” Regulus informed him with deep dignity before missing the chair entirely and sitting on the floor instead.
Mary Macdonald wheezed into Marlene’s shoulder.
“What the fuck happened to him?”
Sirius looked incredibly pleased with himself.
“Pandora made brownies.”
“Ah,” said Remus.
“That explains literally everything,” said Fabian.
Regulus was now staring at Peter like he was trying to solve advanced arithmancy.
“Why are there two of you.”
“There’s one of me.”
“That’s what the second one would say.”
Peter burst out laughing.
Sirius dropped into the sofa beside Regulus and hooked an arm around his shoulders before Regulus could fall over again.
Regulus immediately leaned fully sideways into him like a sleepy cat.
It made several people in the room go quiet for exactly one second too long.
Sirius ignored them expertly.
“Anyway,” he announced, “I brought him here because he’s funny when he’s high.”
“I’m always funny,” Regulus mumbled.
“You once cried because a teapot looked lonely.”
“It did.”
“He apologised to a carpet earlier,” Sirius added.
“The carpet was in my way.”
“That is not an apology.”
Regulus squinted at him.
“You’re loud.”
“You’re stoned.”
“You kidnapped me.”
“You came willingly.”
“You said there’d be chips.”
“There are chips.”
Regulus gasped.
“You lying bastard.”
“They’re in the kitchen.”
“Oh.”
A beat.
Then Regulus pointed a shaky finger at James.
“Your hair pisses me off.”
James looked delighted.
“Thank you.”
Frank Longbottom was laughing so hard he nearly spilled tea down himself.
Alice had physically folded in half against him.
Meanwhile Gideon and Fabian had wandered off toward the boys’ staircase whispering suspiciously to each other.
That should have worried everyone.
Unfortunately nobody noticed because Regulus had become deeply emotionally invested in the concept of Sirius’s sleeve buttons.
“These are tiny,” he whispered.
“They’re buttons.”
“So small.”
“Reg—”
“How do your fingers do this.”
Then Regulus missed the button entirely and poked Sirius directly in the chest.
Sirius nearly choked laughing.
“Oh, you are gone.”
“I could fight God right now.”
“You walked into a bookshelf ten minutes ago.”
“The bookshelf started it.”
Lily rubbed a hand over her face.
“Why exactly is he here.”
Sirius looked genuinely offended.
“Because he’s my little brother.”
“You say that like that explains literally anything.”
“It explains everything.”
Before Lily could respond, Fabian and Gideon came charging back downstairs carrying something large between them covered in an old blanket.
James sat up immediately.
“Oh no.”
“Oh yes,” Gideon said.
Remus looked wary.
“What have you done.”
Fabian grinned like a criminal.
“We improved the evening.”
They yanked the blanket away dramatically.
Underneath was what looked suspiciously like a magically enlarged playpen.
A proper little wooden enclosure with cushions and blankets inside.
There was a collective silence.
Peter blinked.
“Why do we own that.”
“Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to,” Gideon said wisely.
Regulus was staring at it.
Then at Sirius.
Then back at the pen.
“…is that for me.”
“Yes,” Sirius said immediately.
Regulus looked genuinely touched.
“That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me.”
Lily barked out a laugh.
“Oh my god.”
Sirius hauled Regulus up before he could melt bonelessly back onto the rug and deposited him inside the pen.
Regulus immediately sat cross-legged in the middle of it with complete seriousness.
“This is my enclosure now.”
“We know,” said Sirius.
“Bring me enrichment.”
“You sound like a depressed zoo animal.”
“I am a depressed zoo animal.”
Then—
A bark.
Tiny.
Sharp.
Regulus froze.
Every head in the room turned toward the staircase just as Marlene descended carrying a tiny golden retriever puppy in her arms.
Regulus made a sound nobody in the room had ever heard before.
It was somewhere between a gasp and a dying scream.
“Oh my fucking god.”
The puppy wriggled excitedly in Marlene’s arms.
Regulus looked seconds from spiritual collapse.
“Give him to me.”
“No,” Sirius said.
Regulus turned slowly.
“What.”
“We have terms and conditions.”
“You can’t put terms and conditions on a puppy.”
“We just did.”
The puppy let out another happy yip.
Regulus physically clutched his own chest.
“Oh, you evil bastards.”
James was already crying laughing.
Sirius crouched beside the pen.
“If you can resist touching the puppy for five minutes—”
“Impossible.”
“—then you get the whole litter.”
Silence.
Regulus blinked.
“The whole what.”
“The whole litter.”
Marlene grinned.
“We found a friend of Hagrid’s with puppies.”
Regulus looked genuinely emotional.
“You’re all fucking insane.”
“Do you accept the challenge.”
Regulus stared at the puppy.
The puppy stared back.
Tiny tail wagging.
Little tongue out.
Absolutely no thoughts behind its eyes.
Regulus inhaled sharply like he’d just seen divine revelation.
Then—
He crossed his arms.
“I can do this.”
“Holy shit,” Peter whispered.
“He’s serious,” said Mary.
Marlene carefully placed the puppy into the pen.
The second all four paws hit the blankets, the puppy launched itself directly at Regulus.
Regulus jerked backwards instantly.
“No.”
The puppy climbed his leg.
“No.”
It yipped.
“No.”
It started licking his hand.
Regulus made the most miserable sound imaginable.
“Oh, you manipulative little cunt.”
James collapsed sideways into the sofa.
Sirius looked moments from death.
The puppy attempted to climb Regulus’s chest.
Regulus leaned backwards like he was avoiding a grenade.
“Get off me.”
The puppy barked excitedly.
“You’re not special.”
Tiny lick to the chin.
Regulus squeezed his eyes shut.
“You are slightly special.”
“Four minutes left,” Remus informed helpfully.
“FUCK.”
The puppy was fully in his lap now.
Tail wagging so hard its whole body moved.
Regulus stared determinedly at the ceiling.
“I don’t even like dogs.”
The puppy sneezed directly into his face.
The entire room exploded laughing.
Regulus looked deeply offended.
“You disgusting little beast.”
The puppy licked his nose.
“Oh my god.”
“You’re losing composure,” Sirius observed.
“I hate you.”
“You love me.”
“You kidnapped me.”
“And yet here you are.”
The puppy began chewing Regulus’s sleeve.
Regulus started swearing under his breath continuously.
“Little fucking demon creature. Tiny bastard. Why are your ears so soft. Stop being soft. Stop wagging at me. You think you’re cute. You think you can break me psychologically.”
The puppy rolled onto its back.
Regulus audibly stopped breathing.
“Oh, that is foul play.”
“Three minutes,” Alice called.
Regulus looked like a man being psychologically tortured.
The puppy climbed onto his shoulder.
Then started licking his hair.
“GET A JOB.”
The puppy barked happily.
Mary was crying actual tears.
Fabian had fallen off the armchair entirely.
Even Lily was laughing into her hands now.
Regulus was losing this battle catastrophically.
“You’re not even magical,” he accused weakly.
Tiny bark.
“Oh, shut up.”
The puppy curled against his neck.
Regulus looked ready to ascend spiritually.
Sirius watched him with the kind of fondness that made Remus quietly look away.
Because Regulus didn’t know.
Didn’t realise Sirius was watching him like he hung the fucking moon.
Didn’t realise Sirius had probably orchestrated this entire thing because he knew Regulus liked dogs more than people.
Didn’t realise Sirius remembered every stupid little thing about him.
Instead Regulus sat there trembling dramatically while a puppy attempted to eat his curls.
“One minute,” Frank announced.
Regulus looked rabid.
“I can survive this.”
“You’re sweating,” James said.
“I’m battling demons.”
The puppy pawed at his face.
Regulus whimpered.
Actually whimpered.
“Don’t look at me like that.”
The puppy tilted its head.
“Oh, you manipulative furry bastard.”
“Thirty seconds.”
Regulus began counting under his breath like a hostage situation.
The puppy licked his cheek again.
Regulus made a strangled noise.
“Twenty seconds.”
“I’m going to die.”
“Fifteen.”
“I’m seeing God.”
“Ten.”
Regulus physically vibrating now.
The puppy barked.
Regulus pointed at it furiously.
“YOU.”
“Five.”
“YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING.”
“Three.”
“YOU SATANIC LITTLE—”
“ONE.”
Regulus moved instantly.
He grabbed the puppy with both hands and hauled it against his chest like a man recovering a lost child.
“I WON.”
The room erupted.
Sirius was laughing so hard he could barely breathe.
Regulus ignored everyone completely.
He was already kissing the puppy’s head repeatedly.
“Oh my god you’re so tiny.”
Then Marlene opened the basket beside the pen.
And absolute chaos erupted.
Six more puppies came tumbling out in a furry avalanche of tiny paws and floppy ears.
Regulus screamed.
Actually screamed.
“Oh my FUCKING GOD.”
The puppies swarmed him instantly.
Climbing him.
Barking.
Yipping.
Crawling over his stomach and chest and shoulders.
Regulus immediately flopped onto his back in the blankets so they could crawl all over him easier.
“This is my heaven.”
One puppy curled on his chest.
Another climbed onto his shoulder.
One sat directly on his stomach like a king claiming territory.
Regulus looked moments from tears.
“They’re so SMALL.”
Sirius climbed into the pen too just to avoid getting kicked by Gideon sprinting across the room yelling about puppy breath.
Regulus immediately pointed at everyone outside the pen.
“Leave.”
“No,” James said.
“This is private.”
“You’re in the middle of the common room.”
“My room now.”
A puppy started chewing on his sleeve again.
Regulus gasped softly.
“Oh, you’re perfect.”
The puppy sneezed directly into his mouth.
Regulus didn’t even care.
“Still perfect.”
Sirius was fully lying beside him now while puppies climbed over both of them.
Regulus held one up carefully under its front legs.
Tiny paws dangling.
Tiny tongue out.
Regulus looked devastated by affection.
“I’m keeping him.”
“You can’t keep all of them,” Lily said.
Regulus looked at her like she’d threatened murder.
“The fuck I can’t.”
“Regulus.”
“They’re mine now.”
“You live in the Slytherin dormitories.”
“I’ll make it work.”
“How.”
Regulus looked down at the puppy in his hands.
Then back up.
“I’ll wear bigger robes.”
James nearly stopped breathing laughing.
Peter was curled into Frank’s side crying.
Meanwhile Regulus had become entirely consumed by puppy ownership.
He pointed at another one climbing his leg.
“That one’s also mine.”
“You can’t claim them all like conquered territory,” Remus said.
“Watch me.”
One of the puppies crawled onto Sirius’s chest.
Regulus immediately snatched it back protectively.
“No, this one likes me better.”
Sirius raised an eyebrow.
“You jealous of a puppy?”
“Yes.”
“Insane.”
“That’s my emotional support wolf.”
“It weighs three pounds.”
“Vicious predator.”
The puppy yawned.
Regulus visibly melted.
“Ohhhhhh, look at his little teeth.”
He rolled onto his side carefully so the puppies wouldn’t fall off him.
Then glared at everyone.
“None of you are allowed to perceive me right now.”
“That’s difficult considering you’re literally yelling,” Mary pointed out.
Regulus hugged two puppies against his chest possessively.
“I live here now.”
“You absolutely do not,” Lily said.
“Shut the fuck up, Evans, I’m bonding with my children.”
“Your children?”
“Yes.”
“These puppies have been alive for like six weeks.”
“And yet they understand me more than society ever has.”
The puppies continued climbing all over him while he cooed at them in increasingly nonsensical baby-talk between aggressive swearing.
Sirius watched the whole thing with a grin he couldn’t suppress.
Regulus caught him staring eventually.
“What.”
“You’re cute.”
Regulus narrowed his eyes immediately.
“Don’t start.”
“You’re cuddling seven puppies.”
“They chose me.”
“You’re high.”
“They chose me while I’m high. That’s stronger.”
Sirius laughed softly.
Regulus stared at him for a second too long.
Then pointed dramatically.
“You’re allowed in my enclosure.”
“Oh, thank you.”
“Only because you brought me dogs.”
“A true honour.”
Regulus nodded solemnly.
Then another puppy crawled onto his face.
Everything else in the room ceased to exist instantly.
“Oh my god.”
He disappeared beneath a pile of barking golden retriever puppies while the Gryffindors absolutely lost their minds around him.
And for the first time in weeks—
Regulus Black looked completely, stupidly happy.
