im starting to realize everything i scrutinize over is just me being autistic, disabled, and traumatized while not having my support needs fully met.
my entire life people have treated me like i am a failure. like my struggles were some great shame and i was wasting my potential.
the closest words i have to describe this is like. the "twice exceptional student."* i excel at reading, vocabulary, art, and music, but not much else, unless highly accommodated. but i never was. they said it'd be unfair to the other students.
so i just. dont know how to do a lot of things that are common sense and "necessary" adult skills. but no one believes me. they all just think im lazy, selfish, or irrational.
and even now i feel like i'm just trying to make excuses for myself or feel special. but the person who gets hurts most when i cant do something i need to do is... me, most of the time. and i know that. i'm not choosing this.
like. i cant drive not because im irrationally scared but because the only person i had who could teach me was my abusive father... and i didnt even know how to understand the rules of the road. my family didnt really think i could drive either. they said i'd end up having an anxiety attack and get into an accident trying to pull over or something.
and instead of that being a sign to consider that maybe something deeper is going on. i was just. kinda shamed for being afraid.
so much shame. just because i cant do things. that other people my age or younger can do. i am not an irresponsible adult. i am a disabled adult. i'm tired of my disabilities being treated like a moral failure. i'm tired of feeling like there is something deeply wrong with me.
i'm just autistic and disabled and traumatized. the trauma was completely fucking unnecessary. it didn't have to be this way. i could have gotten real support. but i never did.
*i know. you dont have to grill me over the problems with the twice exceptional framework. i know. people have treated me like a manipulative scaredy cat my entire life.
