#internalized paramisia

[thisisparamisia]

I think something is wrong with me because I seem to only feel immoral and bad things about everything

I feel arousal and attraction to horrible things and people and beings

I can't seem to feel empathy about victims even though I don't wanna feel like that and I keep trying to make myself feel empathy for them but I just feel immoral things instead

I can't watch the important news because I will just get obsessed and aroused

I tried to follow a PTSD podcast because I have PTSD symptoms but instead I would just replay the podcasts because hearing people's experiences made me feel aroused

I'm just a living breathing monster

Why was I born like this, what do I even do? Am I evil?

1 & 2 - Thoughts/feelings are not "immoral." Thoughts/feelings are inherently neutral. How you treat others is what matters.

3- You cannot choose what you feel. This includes empathy, sympathy, and compassion [link.] You do not need to empathize with victims, all that matters is you treat victims with kindness.

4 & 5 - Having a paraphilia with obsessive compulsive traits doesn't make you evil. I think the best thing for you to do would be to try and avoid these things, as to avoid obsessive spirals - not because it makes you "evil" but rather because it seems unhealthy in the way that it distresses you. Maybe try some of these therapy worksheets?

Get Self Help [link] - free self help resources.

Therapy Worksheets [link] - free self help worksheets.

OCD worksheets [link]

These may also help. They were designed with MAPs in mind, but could help even if you're not a MAP, just by changing the word "children" to whatever other term.

Self-help modules [link]

Advice, safety planning, and FAQs [link]

[parapride]

Paraphiles should get help or kill themselves! I used to have desires like you freaks but unlike your disgusting community i got help! And im SO much better for it, you sick fucks groom minors into thinking harmful or self destructive desires are valid. If i was a parent and found out my kid was radqueer i'd move mountains to get them help. hell i'd cut off the internet for them because i just KNOW you disgusting wastes of flesh and bone would try and convince them that me trying to keep them safe SOMEHOW would make me a bad parent. To any kids in the radqueer community that read this just know, it's not too late to leave, theres a community of people like you who will help and offer you unconditional love and support and help you heal from your grooming. But to any radqueer adults, I hope you cry yourself to sleep at night knowing theres more of us than you sick freaks. You are NOT welcome in the kink or lgbtq community as your sick desires bring harm onto innocent beings that cannot consent or understand your twisted desires. The day you all die and are rotting in your graves I (a pansexual, trauma victim and abdl by the way neener neener neener 😛😛😛😛😛) will dance on your graves and piss on them, go ahead and scream “FaCiSt!!!" at me but it won't erase the fact youre all wastes of bone and blood that are taking up precious oxygen that should be jailed, put in a rubber room or crucified

im sorry you were made to feel like your thoughts and feelings were dangerous to others. you didnt deserve that at all.

im sorry you were accused of being abusive when you werent. i know how that feels. it destroys you.

im sorry you felt like you had to change something about the way you think in order to no longer be deserving of death.

but, just to be clear. are we on the same page of what "grooming" means? i do not support romantic or sexual interactions between bodily minors and adults. i realize you probably are saying that simply existing as a paraphile within a minors vicinity is grooming them, however. i dont know how to explain to you why that is not the case without knowing why you feel this way.

and i was not groomed into my paraphilias. i was not sexually abused. i was vehemently against "maps/zoos" for basically my entire online life. i was just born this way and repressing it. what im saying is that i was once a paraphilic minor, and nobody made me that way.

and i just want to say, i really hope you find healthier ways to vent this anger. it is really terrible for your body.

[acpt-babydoll]

Being an autophreniaphile/mental illness fetishist + being a bit of a masochist on top of that + being a survivor of abuse in psych wards = feeling insanely guilty when you get slightly aroused by reading depictions of very archaic “treatments” for mental illness. Because I know how horrible the modern facilities are. Once I had an hour-long flashback to my abuse where I was literally crying just because I put on a t-shirt and realized it was the same t-shirt I was wearing the day it happened. I know how bad it is now and how little people care to protect you. So I can’t imagine how bad it was in the old days when the few laws that protect patients now were all gone. So how dare I get off on their suffering?

I know it’s not like that. That I didn’t choose to be this way. That I’m basically a hypocrite. If I don’t believe that people with a CNC/rape kink are an attack on survivors of rape, then why do I believe I’m an attack on survivors of violence within psych wards? I literally am one.

I could actually engage with my para. I know there are kink blogs dedicated to psychiatric violence. I just… I feel so guilty and horrible and I hate this so much and I want this specific aspect of my autophreniaphilia gone.

[thisis-paraphilicsocialostracism]

i think I might have internalized paramisia or something, I suspect that I might be hypersexual although I've only started to realize this after a distressing sexual intrusive thought that was autobiastophilic and pedophilic in nature, and I wish I could talk to someone about it but I feel like if I tried to they'd be grossed out by me, because of this intrusive thought I'm scared to go back to the place it occurred in and see the person involved in the thought and have the thought come back or get worse, it wasn't even real and yet I feel so uncomfortable, like things have changed, and I hate it. I want help yet I'm way too scared to get help or ever tell anyone, I'm scared if I tell someone they'll feel unsafe around me or see me differently, or be paramisic or something like that?

This is the result of internalized paramisia.

You want to be able to speak to someone about your thoughts, and the first step in that is accepting yourself as you are. After you accomplish that, it’s easier to communicate how you feel.

[thisisparamisia]

Internalized paramisia is how I often wonder if I'm actually on the wrong side of things and if I need to just sit down and shut up

This is internalized paramisia.

[thisisparamisia]

(Internalized) paramisia is constantly thinking I should never be near animals or kids BECAUSE of being a paraphile, and feeling even worse when I remember I wanted (and still want) to be a teacher

This is internalized paramisia.

[thisisparamisia]

I became a paraphile because of very early access to the internet, especially because there were many weirdos on youtube in the early 2010s. I've been avoiding the subject for so long. but the problem is that I can encounter it irl and I'd have to do everything I can to ignore it. I feel anxious and disgusted every time it gets brought up and I don't want to get inappropriate intrusive thoughts about it.

I really wish there was a cure for my paraphilia. I don't like to think that I have to live with it forever. it's even worse that I can't talk about it to anyone because I'll get ostracized.

This is internalized paramisia.

You don't deserve to be afraid of people knowing about your paraphilia. And this is why child safe spaces on the internet are so important, because exposure to certain things during youth can cause impairments in psychosexual development.

[thisisparamisia]

Can my autism be why I developed p*dophilic disorder? I have tried to find what caused mine and I cant live with myself if I became a monster for no reason, it makes me suicidal and causes me to hurt myself.

Autism doesnt cause pedophilia, no. (Also please don't censor paraphilias when sending in submissions.)

You don't need a "reason" to be a pedophile. Paraphilias are sometimes just randomly occurring.

I'm sorry that it makes you feel so horribly about yourself. You don't deserve to feel that way. You're not a bad person for your thoughts/feelings.