#internalized sanism

[lycanspaws]

The desire to reach out and attempt to make the first move for a relationship, but hesitating because of mental health each time.

"Oh, I'll send them a message after I get my autism diagnosis and care. Then I can explain why I'm weird and that I'm trying to improve." And I was 16.

"Oh, I'll go to that convention meetup and bond after I get treated for my social anxiety disorder (that came with the ASD diagnosis)." And I was 18.

"Oh, I'll make a dating profile when I figure out if this OSDD and PTSD and get treated for it." And I was 19.

"Oh, I'll start getting into relationship-seeking friendly spaces for alterhumans once my professionals help me work out my PTSD and (DID now, not OSDD)." And I was 19.

"Oh, I'll make a post on tumblr to find others once I figure out what these last weird symptoms are and get treated for them." And I just turned 20.

"Oh, I'll make a romantic kin call once I figure out if this is a schizospec disorder and get treated with meds for it so I don't burden others." And I'm 20 now.

And the problem ultimately comes down to that I cannot get it into my head that I'm a different case from my bad experiences. That there's a difference between the damage others did to me by laying their entire mental health and life on my responsibility while refusing help, to me actively trying to get help and terrified of doing the same thing to others.

I'm waiting for a time when I won't be a burden, bother, or anything but totally healthy and never sad, which will never come, and I'll never be not alone, because that is the condition of a living being. Life will always come with burdens and bothers.

I just want to learn to not rest that entirely on the shoulders of a mate(s) struggling just as bad as me.

[schizopositivity]

im in the process of being diagnosed as schizoaffective bipolar & since then ive been dealing with a lot of internalized ableism & self-hatred because i feel like a subhuman freak. i only feel this way about myself, not other schizospec people. how can i get past the feelings of worthlessness & accept myself, mental illness & all? :(

I understand that feeling completely. I had the same belief when I was first diagnosed. I'm not gonna lie, accepting a schizo-spec diagnosis is a journey.

But you are no different from the other schizo-spec people that you do accept. You are part of our community. There are so many other people who know how it feels to have your symptoms, and also struggle to unlearn the stigma around it. You are not alone in this. It was helpful for me to find people online who proudly talk about their diagnosis, it helped me see that I wasn't uniquely strange, but part of a community of people who also felt that way. And even though stigma and sanism makes us all want to be silent about who we are, we are still part of the greater whole that is the schizo-spec community.

People with schizophrenia and schizoaffetive disorder are not outliers of the world, we (including you) are not the fuck ups that happen to be here. We are an important part of the world and what makes it what it is.

Acceptance will become easier with time. It's a diagnosis with a lot of stigma and judgment attached to it, so it only makes sense to feel like it makes you the awful things people claim we are. But if you can recognize that the stigma isn't true for every other schizo-spec person, then try to remind yourself that you are part of that, the stigma isn't true for you either. You aren't just the stereotype of "a schizoaffetive bipolar", you are a whole unique person with certain symptoms that fit you into a diagnosis that is only part of what makes you who you are.

There is nothing morally wrong, evil or bad about having a schizo-spec diagnosis, it's just a difference in how our brains work. It doesn't dictate who you are either, there are many schizo-spec people in the world, and we are all different. It's possible for someone with a schizo-spec diagnosis to be kind, happy, productive, creative, successful, fun and anything else, the possibilities are endless.

If you want more personal stories or want to talk through your feelings of your diagnosis as time goes on feel free to dm me if you're comfortable (I don't post those).

[dogcrate]

not to Personal Problems post but anyone w/ schizophrenia or related disorder, do you experience the self doubt of "if i was actually [insert schizospec disorder] then i would have to be worse off than i am now" or the whole "i know this looks like [schizospec disorder] from the outside but i know my internal experience and it doesnt feel like [schizospec] to me"

and if you do, how do you work about getting over it?

[enby-axels]

hate how every few business days i wonder to myself "do i actually experience intrusive thoughts, or is regularly thinking of [redacted], [redacted], and [redacted] out of nowhere something neurotypicals go through too," and my mind actually humors this self-doubt for a while like "yeah, [redacted], [redacted], and [redacted] are totally neurotypical experiences, im obviously overreacting 🤪"

[expansiveconfluence]

I always question myself w/ like "what if im crazy? What if im crazy?" But you know what? What if im allowed to be crazy? Crazy is fine, I can be crazy. There are worse things to be than crazy.

[dogcrate]

i shouldnt be required to give disclaimers every time i talk about my psychosis just for other peoples comfort

having to approach every discussion with double bookkeeping and "i know its not Actually real" is more distressing than the actual delusions. pretending that my reality isnt fully real to me just because i know its not real to you hurts me. the headaches and the spiraling and the questioning and the way my brain makes it more intense every time i deny it.

i know you dont see what i see. i know you dont feel what i feel. i know you dont think what i think. but having to say that every time i tell what i see and feel and think isn't helpful. it doesnt make what i experience any different, it just makes me feel worse.

[bluizu]

MAN internalized sanism sucks

like, you guys are just cool but brain goes "no." i am trying to get rid of it but fuuuuuuuuuu