#intramasc

[princevin]

Home has always been a complex topic for me. It's natural that I associate a lot of different feelings with it —I've spent a third, or more, of my life cooped up behind its now-worn four walls. I grew up with my siblings here, shared my room with all of them at one point or another, and have left it a mess on more than one occasion. Despite the cozy memories I have learned to associate with home, one emotion has always been constant: fear.

At home, I was not at rest. My parents drilled into my siblings and I (and me in particular) that every action we made was open to judgement. Sleeping in on a Saturday was grounds for scolding. Doing your homework while you should be helping Mom is worth a smack. Helping Mom while you should be doing your homework is worth a spank. Staying up to finish homework was a sign of inefficient labor. It felt like a Catch-22.

So I learned to give them what they expected. I learned which corners of the house didn't show as much light when I needed to stay up. I could tell who was coming up the stairs based how they they walked. Most importantly, I learned to turn their subtle shifts in voice, body, tone into directives on what to do.

Only recently have I realized that that level of self-surveillance applied to how I perform gender as well. Around my parents (and other hostile places), I stand/walk straighter and with better posture. I wear skirts more. I keep a small smile on my face, even when I'm upset. I hold my arms differently.

I grew up with a little leeway, I feel. (My father didn't want me to wear makeup even as a teen for... reasons you can probably conclude.) But that doesn't mean I wasn't expected to be subtly feminine. Sure, I didn't wear make up but I took care of 'the kids' (my siblings); I cooked family meals with my mom; racked my brain to make sure my parents' (dad's) plans went to schedule —and all without complaint!

I didn't even get an allowance!

The same extended to clothing. If my mom wanted me to wear a dress? Then I wore it no matter how I felt on the matter. As a middle school girl, I actually had experimented with more gender neutral and masculine looks. It was nothing crazy. Just some flannel shirts and jeans.

My mother, father, and younger sister told me that I just didn't understand *fashion.* The ruffle shirts were fashionable for my age and the only reason I didn't understand that (didn't want to wear them) was because I didn't *get* fashion. If I just *understood fashion* (i.e. was more feminine) then I would've loved (loved!) the ruffle shirts and the bootcut pants and the fitted tees!

When that wasn't enough to make me stop terrorizing them with my flannel shirts, my dad pulled me aside to talk about the dangers of queer people. He thought that these were Odd Ideas I was coming home with from My School. My Friends, he reasoned, must've been Tricking Me with weird concepts I was still Too Weak to see through. He assured me that God had made me a girl and that I was always a girl and would forever Be A Girl. It would be A Shame, he said, if I Forgot this. I remember that talk because it ended with my father reminding me that he hadn't caned me in months by that point. He didn't want me to Give Him a reason to.

To him girl meant feminine, delicate, submissive. His definition of 'girl' had no space for his daughter. Girls, to him, did not refuse 'girly' things and she certainly did not prefer flannel to ruffles.

Thinking on this, I'm honestly not surprised that I've taken to femininity as a shield. I consoled myself by telling myself that as long as I could be 'subtly' feminine (i.e. controlling how I walk, talk, move, and act) then I could avoid having to perform 'visibly' hyper-femininity as if what I was already doing wasn't just an internalized version of it.

All of this without even touching the layer of racial dynamics added when I'm in public or white spaces. Reflecting and thinking back on it makes me really digest how much seeps into our lives without our knowing. At my big age, I still don't know how to put a nice face of makeup so I let myself believe that the insidious nature of patriarchy had left me alone when it came to presentation. But this Christmas while I was wearing my beautiful brown button up, I was hit with the contrast of how I looked vs how I moved and talked which got me wondering why that was.

This post is the result of some New Year's reflection and has been sitting in my drafts for a hot minute. Now, I'm all good and ready for y'all to see it.

[princevin]

about this blog

I am not intending this blog to be an informational blog. There will be a lot of reblogs from others and some original posts. I am open to talking about my gender and my relationship to virago and I'll probably talk about that unprompted anyway--

So... TL;DR: this is a personal blog focusing on my experiences as a intramasc twain.

about me

Given the personal nature of this blog, it's probably best you have something to address me as! (And know some things about me, of course.)

I have a love of pseudonyms. I have so many of them. Here you can call me Vin/Prince (or Nell/Juud/Quinn). I'm bigender, use ve/she/he pronouns, and am black/nigerian-american.

other blog(s).

go figure, this is a sideblog! my main is @juudaimes-true-form so all interactions will come from there :)

[viscasi]

Y’know what I wanna be for Halloween?

Tall :(

[viscasi]

Apologies for my confusing asks overall. I've been personally curious about the virago/intramasc topics since spotting your comment on reddit—there are times where yeah I kinda want a brotherhood as a woman do others wonder that? Like some stuff I see on this blog I occasionally resonate strongly with like "yeah! You said it! Is this gnc of me or just relatable to anyone sometimes?"

I even started a tiny archive about my curiosities since that post you've made about just going on starting a blog. It's been super super great following a community where I once had thought being queer and cishet was mutually exclusive, and it's good seeing that I was wrong. It's hard not to want to join in, too (especially compared to growing up around different views), but I'm wondering if I'm just yet another ally or actually a part of it. A little hesitant because qualifications, technicalities and personal feelings ya know?

I know a lot of that can't be answered by random connections on social media but it also feels like a breath of fresh air of things that one thought wasn't possible. Is it weird being slightly excited but unsure? I also don't want to put myself on blast, to sit back or ask questions?! I want to respectful too so I'm tempted to just lurk until I feel reputable.

No need to apologize for your asks at all anon!! Answering asks is one of my favorite parts of running this blog!

And yeah— feeling a sense of brotherhood for other intramasc people (or feeling sort of sad about being excluded from the sense of intramasc brotherhood most men tend to gatekeep from non-men intramascs) is a totally normal and seemingly pretty common intramasc experience. This might be what you’re referring to in the first place, but just in case: I have a tag for this concept actually that you can scroll through if you want, though I don’t think it has very many posts in it yet (#intramasc brotherhood).

That said, I mean, not every single little thing I post about here has to be relatable for you in order to be part of any of the groups I post for. While one of the purposes of this blog is to raise awareness and inform, it’s also to express my personal experiences with these identities, too. Which means that not every single thing I post is going to be universally applicable. Like, everyone is going to experience their masculinity (and intramasculinity) differently. Your identity doesn’t have to look exactly like mine to be valid, y’know?

That’s why I have definitions posted for each of the labels, so that it’s a little more clear what the real foundation of the label is intended to mean, versus what are just common but nondefining/nonuniversal traits/experiences shared among the people under that label. Anyway, I digress.

I’m really happy to hear that you were inspired to look into it, though! I mean haha, my own blog started as just an “archive of curiosities.” Totally not weird to be excited about that, hell I’m excited for you!!

In the end, is it possible you’re just relating to my content adjacently, without being part of any of these groups? Sure. But it’s just as possible that that you’re part of it, and you won’t really know until you jump in. All the same, I think exploring your identity can only really lead to having a better understanding of yourself. There’s no harm at all in experimenting and learning more about yourself! You don’t have to be sure about anything just because you have a blog as long as you’re transparent about what you don’t know, right? So I’d say if you’re thinking about making a blog to join in our conversations and stuff, totally go for it!

You also don’t have to act as any sort of source of information, as some of our blogs do, until you feel ready— and/or never, if you don’t want to. Your blog can absolutely just be about your experiences and thoughts! Most of the info blogs here are that way just because the person running it helped coin some of the terms, anyway, so there’s no pressure at all for you to do the same.

Also, idk if you know this or not, but if answering questions makes you nervous, you have the right not to answer any ask you don’t want to, or you can even turn them off in your settings. I think answering asks is a lot of fun (and they don’t always have to be serious/informative questions), but it’s never an obligation!

If you make a blog, poke me with an @ or send me another ask to let me know! I’d love to see!

[viscasi]

It's about to get theoretical...

I've been wrestling with how to understand labeling and if masculinity is even possible for me:

Am I masculine because I'd feel masculine so anything I do can be considered masculine?

Can someone be labeled masculine just because they look masculine so anything they do is what some people consider masculine?

Both seem to exude masculinity, but what about people who want to define masculinity based on "behaviors" rather than expression or internal? If anything can be labeled masculine like the two questions above then would the same person wanted to be read masculine have the ability to do so?

This all depends on intra-, appearance and relation to other masculine folk right for "correct" reading?

- Papercuts

P.S. Hopefully, I'm making sense? I tend to get too much into theoretical weeds, but I'm curious. Lately, I've grown more arm hair than some of my lady relatives (but not as much as a man with visible body hair when I compared so I'm in an interesting middle - the greyscale artwork you reblogged ended up being a very similar visual to own my case)

Though I'm hesitant... It really doesn't seem enough or necessarily right for me to consider that masculine as much I'd want it to (I am guilty of thinking of muscles in the same way). Lack of/Less visible hair isn't necessarily feminine if we're being honest.

I think it's important to understand that "masculine" has no objective definition. It can also be defined very differently by an individual person versus the people around them. The meaning of it is also incredibly culturally relative (I always steal that phrase from @flintloc-k because I think it sums it up perfectly!) Etc., etc.

Ontologically speaking: to me, "masculine" is a broad word for literally "anything deemed masculine," whether that's internal or external, whether it's a person or an object, etc. etc. "Intramasculine" is one subgroup of the word. Masculine gender expression is another subgroup of the word. Etc., etc.

Assuming you mean that you're trying to figure out whether or not you are intramasculine (not just, broadly, "masculine"), then the page I have about intramasculinity will be helpful for you. It has a section about how to figure out if the term applies to you or not.

But if your question is whether you "are masculine" (in the broader sense of the word, not specifically "intramasculine"), then that's where we get into far more muddy territory.

Ultimately, it's subjective. Whether you consider yourself masculine is up to your discretion. Whether others consider you masculine is up to their discretion. You don't have to be "intramasculine" to be "masculine." "Being masculine" can look a variety of ways, because the term "masculine" is so broad. You can get a sense for whether the word applies to you by looking at others who consider themselves and those who are considered by others to be "masculine" in your culture, though. Do you identify with those people? If people were separated off into groups, would you feel like you belong in that one?

By the way, it's not bad if the answer is no. You can still relate to masculine people about certain things even if you don't feel you "belong to that group" (to be simplistic).

[viscasi]

What is your opinion on the term "masculine of center"? I assumed it meant something similar to what intramasc does

[Definition of “intramasculine,” for anyone wondering!]

Good question!

While at first glance “masculine of center” certainly does seem like it would mean “internal sense of masculinity” (I thought that too when I first found the term)— my understanding is that it doesn’t, and that instead it simply refers to women who are “more masculine than they are feminine,” and thus lean “more masculine than the centerpoint on the spectrum of masculinity/femininity, whether that’s all the way masculine or just partly.” The masculinity being referenced is still broad, and generally seems to refer more to gender expression than allinity. So, “masculine of center” still does not specify having an “internal sense” of masculinity, the way “intramasc” does.

Less important, but noteworthy: There’s also no convenient way to shorten it. Moc could be used, but it sounds quite similar to “mock,” which feels weird on its own but is worse when used in conjunction with anything else— calling myself a “moc woman” would end up just sounding like I’m calling myself a “mock woman” which… really does not give the impression I’m going for lol 😅

[viscasi]

The post about how subtle tailoring is in women's clothing is makes me so depressed cause my family forces me to wear nothing except if it explicitly marketed for women. It explains why I still hated myself wearing hoodies and straight jeans god this makes me want to smash my head against the wall

[The post that anon is referring to, which includes tips I wrote for the guys for finding feminine clothing.]

Nooooo, friend!! I'm so sorry if that made you feel worse! Please don't lose hope though!!— I didn't elaborate there because it wasn't the point of the post, but there absolutely are ways around it!!!

When I was growing up, my family also had total control over what I was allowed to wear, which meant no men's clothing until I was old enough to stand up for myself. I will not lie, having the freedom to shop in the men's section is incredibly freeing and much more convenient, but I did find ways around that restriction while I lived under it. So, I actually have some tips for you, if you want them:

The main difference between the way men's and women's clothing is tailored is in the shape language, and in the material choices. Men's clothing is typically less round/more straight, and the fabric is usually more thick/heavyweight. Women's clothing usually isn't either of those things, BUT, if you keep an eye out and you know what you're looking for, you can find exceptions!

Jeans, for example: if you want to find women's jeans that behave more similar to men's jeans, you're going to want to look for straight-cut and wide-leg jeans made with thicker, less stretchy/elastic-y material. Opting for black jeans will also help hide any sort of curve they give you, if any. Some of my favorite jeans are exceptions from the women's section like this! To get you started, I actually have a couple of recommendations for you:

Madewell's Perfect Vintage Wide-Leg Jean, especially the black ones. Madewell's jeans run long, so make sure you get it in the petite size (marked with a P before the size number), unless you're particularly tall. A note about the price: I know that Madewell jeans are expensive, but as long as you take care of them, they'll last forever and handle wear incredibly well (you can think of it as if you're buying multiple jeans upfront, knowing they'll last you that long.) You really do get a lot of jean for your buck— I still wear my Madewell jeans from years ago and I LOVE them. They're my go-to. They don't accentuate my hips or thighs at all, and even kind of hide them— that might be different for other people since everyone has a different body shape, but that's my experience for reference. They look like this:

Urban Outfitters' BDG Women's Straight/Skate Cargo Jeans. I can't find them listed on the official website right now so that might not be the exact name, but it's something along those lines. These are another favorite pair of jeans I have! While the shape is straight/baggy enough that they masculinize my legs anyway, the big pockets on them would throw off any remaining curve I had too. They look like this:

Another big difference in the way women's jeans are tailored is the way they fit in the back— they're usually made to be more tight and form-fitting there, but you can circumvent that really easily by wearing a bit of a longer shirt/hoodie or a flannel.

Back to clothing more generally— I don't know if this is an option for you, but I recommend shopping in stores where the men's and women's sections are less obviously marked. The floor design in Vans, for example, is usually a lot more ambiguous, and the only way you'd know if an item is specifically "for men" is if you look really close at the tag. Also, if you think it would work for you, you could try to get your parents more warmed up to the idea of you looking at the men's section if you go for the more feminine-looking items at first. The first men's shirt I bought in front of my mom was bright pink, and that was on purpose. She was still weird about it, but I was able to kind of play it off like "It's still cute! Look, it's pink!" And I think she was so excited for me to wear pink finally that she forgot it was a men's shirt.

I'll stop there for now, but I bet I can think of more tips for you if you want them!

[viscasi]

Height dysphoria sucks ass. I’m in the trenches rn