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To All The Boyz I’ve Loved Before; Letter Twelve

Summary-

It was wonderful what a few little letters could do; they could make or break a friendship, cause someone to laugh or smile, make someone remember the time of their life or that moment they wanted to forget. Just some words on paper and poof, everyone knew the way your heart beat and workings of your brain. High school really did wonders on you, as did those twelve boys. Maybe they didn’t know it, but they changed your whole life with each smile, each wave, and each word you typed into paper. You made them permanent, and now they had to know why.

Word Count- 10.8k

Previous Letter - Masterlist

Eric’s hand rapped against the wood door of Sunwoo’s room. Last time he’d been to visit, the boy was fast asleep but now, he was hunched over a notepad and scribbling away. Well, he was trying, at least. The damages were done mostly to his right side so his dominant hand wasn’t free but Eric supposed he still had many things he wanted to write or rap. It was better to write them out fresh.

Sunwoo’s head turned, his hair slightly delayed and swinging lightly. The blinds were drawn, allowing very little summer light through but Eric preferred it that way. There didn’t seem a point to warm weather or sun rays when you couldn’t see them. After exchanging a small smile, Eric felt he had permission to sit.

Lightly, he pulled up a hospital chair next to Sunwoo’s bed and came as close as he dared. He didn’t know how the already bruised boy would take what he had to say. Somehow, Eric was afraid he’d get bruised worse afterwards.

“How are you feeling?” The now blonde murmured. It seemed an innocent enough question and he hoped it would break some tension.

After taking a beat, Sunwoo closed his notebook and set it on the table beside him. It seemed to be a bit of a stretch, leg in a slightly elevated position to reduce swelling getting in the way. His mouth worked as he moved, sometimes stretching in pain and putting emphasis on words that didn’t need them.

“Okay, I guess. There’s a lot I need to come back from but at least I can write, or try to.”

Eric nodded, somehow leaning forward to hear better. His forearms now rested on the bed, fingers coming to wind into each other as comfort.

Awkwardly, though with a hint of care, he mumbled, “are you still having episodes?”

He remembered watching Sunwoo’s mother get removed from his room, her voice overlapping nurses and doctors and whatever else came from the room. She kept asking what was wrong but there weren't any answers until later, where they found some clotting or something similar. Sunwoo was okay but he’d have to learn how to walk again, or something like that. Eric wasn’t filled in on the specifics but, considering the circumstances, he figured it wasn’t so bad.

Sunwoo just shook his head, looking down at his lap before coming out and looking around the room. There wasn’t more for him to say so a silence hung across their shoulders, draping the room in a melancholic shroud.

“I can’t imagine what that’s like,” Eric mumbled, genuinely thinking aloud. Being stuck in a hospital room, hooked up to an IV drip or with an immobile part of his body: everything about those made him queasy. If he didn’t have his body, he didn’t have anything. Plus, the sterility and lack of warmth of a hospital room made him uncomfortable. It felt unfeeling and like everything was drained of him the moment he stepped in.

However, his statement was met with a rather soft question, one of wonder and vulnerability. The boy was poised much like he was; back curled, chin dipped inward and eyes downcast, fingers entwining as best as they could. Eric would have laughed at the parallels of the two men in your life, the ones he thought you considered to be of the most important, and how similar they were at times.

“Did y/n send you a letter too?” The question was soft but filled with another meaning. Instinctively, Eric’s hand met with his pocket to feel the sealed envelope, the one with typewriter script across the front of it.

The rustle of paper caused a small sadness to fall upon Sunwoo’s lips, though a smile shrouded it. His eyes were kind when they met with Eric’s and they seemed to be more genuine than ever before.

"I figured they'd send you one too," he admitted softly, stretching a bit to find his notebook again. His fingers slipped once or twice before gripping the cover, eyebrows scrunched together and a small exhale passing his lips. His right side wasn't doing well at all, bruising probably the worst part.

Still, Sunwoo had no problems sifting through his book, using his words as paint in a picture. Through the faint sound of birds and wind passing by the window, Sunwoo spoke slowly. "They gave me one too, said they wanted it to be their last.

"Y/n wrote down a lot of things in their notes, saying it was for later when I asked. I figured, you know, it was just what we did on dates or when we were out together. It was nice. I thought they just wanted to remember but I think- I think they did it so they could write about it later: put their life in letters and in people they thought saw value in them."

"What did they say in yours?" Softness wasn't completely familiar with Eric but he tried here, genuinely curious and genuinely open to a boy he'd often been closed off to.

Sunwoo didn't dare look him in the eye here. Sadness still encroached on that smile of his, fingers tracing the edge of an envelope that looked much like Eric's. He was focused on that, so intently to the point where Eric felt like he was intruding when he heard the answer.

"They said they loved me. For the first time, in this letter and before we ever said it to each other, they said they loved me."

A sniffle fell from his lips and his free arm reached up to rub beneath his eyes. As his cheeks moved, so did his head, gaze now focused out the window. For such a sunny day, it surely didn't feel happy. Sitting in this stale hospital room with a boy he used to hate, for reasons that seemed so far off and childish now, Eric felt perspective stitching to his mind. Little spindles of truth lurked far off and he realized that the way he knew you was nothing close to the way Sunwoo knew you. Maybe he never would. As the boy in front of him continued to pretend he wasn't sad, tried to hold back his years and appear strong, Eric took it upon himself to start repairing the bridge. It was time for him to be responsible.

"Sunwoo," he started, chewing on his words a moment in hopes of it not sounding condescending. It gave the boy enough time to focus his attention back on Eric, something Eric didn't know if he wanted just then; but he'd started to speak already, his offer was on the table.

"I don't know what I'll find here but, if you want, I can read it to you here. It might not be what either of us are expecting but-"

"But it's still a little bit of y/n," Sunwoo finished, whispering his sentence as if it were taboo or forbidden. Eric only nodded, nervousness flipping his stomach over and over. It suddenly felt cold in the room but a warm hand pressed over his and all of that went away.

With a glimpse into Sunwoo's stare, now suddenly a man with unguarded eyes and gratefulness swimming them, Eric felt stable.

"Y/n wanted you to know it, not me. It's yours and it's personal. Your own secret with them. It might be nice to keep it that way, don't you think?"

Sitting there, in that hospital room, it was surprising to think how much the two of them had changed. Eric liked to think it was because of you.

——————————————————

Dear Eric Sohn, the boy with the skateboard and big smile, my best friend,

I think this letter is more than a long time coming. I don’t know where to start but I guess the middle would be good. The beginning you already know, though I doubt you know just how much I loved you, and just how much I do now.

——————————————————

Late January 2018

It seemed harder and harder to manage school and the rest of your activities as exam season rolled around. After New Year’s, which everyone spent separately this year, there seemed to be tunnel vision for every senior and it was the end of the year. There was a hunger for school to end, college or university or a career not far off and taunting you. On top of that was restlessness, the need to feel like an adult and that you had your life together; but you supposed the worst part was the fear that gripped at your heart and made you think you didn’t have a single thing about your future thought out. Everyone seemed to know what they liked and wanted to do and you were somewhere in the middle, finding everything moderately interesting and boring all at once.

Still, you’d applied to many different programs, hoping at least one would take you in. Secretly, you hoped it’d be the one that your brother was in, or your friends, just so you had someone to hold onto as you crawled into adulthood.

Frowning a bit, you continued to sit on your front steps, bundled up in sweaters and jackets and everything in between. Barly was hopping around in the snow, excited again to see the powder falling slow enough that they looked frozen in the air. You watched as he bounced around, sticking his nose in the flakes before running up to you with a completely soggy ball he’d found outside. The grin on his face was almost human like and you couldn’t help but feel a little less stressed looking at him.

Not a single part of you wanted to pick up the ball from his mouth so, instead, you grasped a bit of snow and formed it into a sphere as best you could, watching Barly get more and more excited. He turned a few circles before pausing, waiting for the throw.

You meant to toss it so it landed inside your front lawn but the weight, or lack thereof, of the snowball threw you off and you watch as Barly chased it partially in the street. You didn’t have to see the car to know it was coming, immediately jumping off your seat and bounding forward without thought. Barly landed somewhere in your arms, a small yelp falling from his lips and whole weight pushing down on your body so you were pressed against the floor. A few inches from your face was pavement and a car bumper. It was hard to ignore the hammering of your chest.

Eric’s head popped out of the window, whole body nearly following as he called, “holy shit, I- are you okay?”

He was almost unfamiliar with his blonde hair but, somehow it suited him. The fear in your chest dissipated as you grasped Barly closer and hugged him until he wriggled out and away to your home. It seemed he had enough of the winter for the day.

Leaving his car running in the middle of the road, Eric climbed out of the large truck he’d taken from his family and hopped down to meet you. You were still just sitting on the floor, trying to calm yourself.

“Hey,” he crooned, coming to sit on the cold asphalt with you. His legs were cross legged and clad with ripped jeans but he didn’t seem to mind the weather at the moment. A hat was now pressed over his ears and two drinks placed in his hands.

No one was going anywhere this Sunday, the streets empty enough for this to feel safe for the moment. Both you and Eric didn’t have your exams until later on this week so you decided to meet up after a long Saturday of studying, hoping you could destress and properly move past all the awkwardness of your last few encounters.

“Are these from Cobbled?” You pointed at a cup, one meant to keep drinks warm for an unnaturally long time. You knew the insulated metal from anywhere, the small coffee shop your favourite from back home. They were cups meant to reduce waste, one you could take anywhere and put anything in. You had about fifty at home.

Eric looked a bit sheepish, handing you one of the drinks before quickly taking it back and replacing it with the other. He mumbled that this was yours and added, a bit louder, “I just thought you might miss it by now. I got them right before I left so they might not be super warm but yeah.”

Your fingers overlapped for a brief moment and you caught the nervousness in his eyes as it did. Much to your surprise, you were shy as well as you said thank you.

“You shouldn’t jump in front of cars, you know,” Eric mumbled, trying to make a joke but you just exhaled.

“It was dumb, I know,” you hummed, looking down at the floor that was slowly starting to cover up with snow. Running a hand over it, you watched as streaks appeared and you murmured, “it was like a first thought though. Fight or flight, I guess.”

There was a staleness in the air, everything feeling just as still as a picture. You watched as Eric’s skin started to turn a bit pink, wanting to voice your concern but something stopped your words in your throat. Only Eric’s hand could pop you out of the little bubble you were in, where emotions were coupled with confusion and nothing seemed easy to figure out.

It rested on your knee, nowhere near places that would make other people’s hearts race but yours somehow did. It was innocent and reminded you of the way you used to feel about him, the way you would pine over him for years when you were younger. Yet, somehow, you weren’t young anymore. His cheeks weren’t full and his jaw was hard. You were sure you changed too. Looking at him in that moment made you think about how much you adored him back then, and maybe how you never stopped.

His voice was soft as he asked, “hey, really, is everything okay?”

Everything in your body couldn’t stop you from lurching forward and into his arms. A bit of his coffee spilled on your jacket but it didn’t quite matter to you. In that second, all you wanted was one of his signature hugs: the ones that always made you feel better and forget everything that was going wrong. A small protest escaped his lips, saying something about getting coffee in your hair but it didn’t quite matter. For the moment, you sat in each other’s embrace, and it was enough to make you remember the validity of your old feelings.

That didn’t exactly erase the tension between you two. In fact, the hug might have made it worse.

The two of you lounged around and played games using Haymond’s consoles, your older brother away for the day with Juyeon. Halfway through, you gave up and decided to have an early dinner, you saying you wanted to show him something after. It wasn’t necessarily true, there wasn’t much happening closer to the heart of town but you just really didn’t want to be home. There was something about being inside that made you feel trapped recently and, for at least one night, you just wanted to have fun and forget about all your senior responsibilities.

The two of you began your walk to the middle of town just as your parents were pulling into the driveway. They seemed surprised to see you together, which you couldn’t blame them for. After Eric tried to kiss you, your parents just assumed that was a bridge that was never mended. Yet, you really wanted it to. You missed your best friend, being with someone who fascinated you the way he did. You wanted to talk everyday again and get back in touch with that part of you.

Maybe it was a desperate need to hold onto your childhood because you thought you were losing it but a big part of you felt like it needed Eric in your life. Without him, the idea of life seemed a bit bleak.

“How’s the whole boyfriend thing going?”

If you were being honest, the question did throw you off. It was asked just a few steps from your home, when he felt like you were alone again. From the corner of your eye, you watched as he battled himself internally after asking, as if he meant to but didn’t all at once.

Not knowing how to go about it, you started as you always would. In a way, you wanted to treat Eric as a friend but there was always going to be a difference now. Something uncomfortable would lie there and you found it was there often. Whenever you wanted to bring up Sunwoo, you’d refrain from it, either because it made you sad or because you felt he wouldn’t like it.

On the other hand though, the question could’ve been an olive branch. Maybe he meant to ask it to let you know he wasn’t going to interfere again, or that he’d mended his feelings. Somehow, the second one seemed to make you upset but your mouth didn’t show any of your thinking. It just went around the same old bend, saying Sunwoo was great and you were happy and everything was going alright.

Perhaps the smile on your face was too stale, too forced. Eric didn’t seem convinced, elbow poking into your side and head notching to the side. The way you instantly hesitated was enough of a tell and he walked a bit closer, lowering his voice to tell you it was alright to share.

“You sure?”

Nibbling on your bottom lip, you shrugged. The warmth of your pockets was a slight reminder of what hands felt like embracing them but, with a blink, all your recent problems with Sunwoo came rushing back in.

Shrugging, you hummed, “it’s been weird recently, to be honest. We made a new friend Haknyeon, you met him at the Christmas stuff and ever since they first met, they’ve been at odds, I guess? I can tell he doesn’t like him but he won’t tell me why.

“Except they get along well so it’s like, he just feels replaced I guess? He’s even told me that but there’s no way we’d ever do that. It’s ridiculous to even think.”

The more you voiced it, the more upset you became again. The two of you had an argument about it the day you opened presents because he saw you typing out the letter to Haknyeon. He looked so jealous and it was weird to see someone who was usually so happy turn sour and green. The air even felt different around him and the looks he gave you hurt. Yes, you wanted to write love letters to Sunwoo and you only ever did. You sent him so many and gave him others, wrote him little notes but Haknyeon’s was different. He was just your friend. It was bold to even call it a love letter considering the content; half the time, you spoke about Sunwoo anyways.

Still, your boyfriend was upset. He claimed everyone was forgetting about him or didn’t care that he was trying to be a rapper and was figuring out his career. It seemed to upset him more that everyone was still here while he was in the city but that wasn’t your fault.

“It’s not my fault, right?” you reiterated, thinking aloud now to Eric, “like, he chose to try out and get casted and stuff. We’re all trying our best, just because we don’t see him all the time doesn’t mean we don’t care. We message everyday and I even- we even-”

The last bit seemed a little personal to share, even with Eric, and so you dropped it. Pursing your lips together, you found your eyes on your feet as they kicked forward through the snow. A small silence beat between you until Eric spoke.

“You know, if that’s what he feels then hear him out instead of being defensive and stuff,” he said, a bit of coolness in his voice. Near the end of his sentence, he started to feel like ice, adding, “it must be hard for him to be alone too. At least you guys still have each other.”

With a blink, you tried to take what Eric said into consideration but a small part of you was bugged by him. Furrowing your eyebrows, you muttered, “yeah, but he doesn’t get to take out his aggression on me.”

“So tell him that instead of telling me. Knowing you, you’re just complaining instead of talking to him about it.” The curtness of his sentences was throwing you off and you were beyond confused about the way he was acting. It was like the wind blew a different direction and suddenly, he was upset. In turn, his words nipped at your emotions, grabbing with their tiny teeth and tearing until you felt just as bruised.

Tucking your chin in, gaze now focused on the ground, you huffed, “why are you being so mean?”

Your words were met with an exhale, the sound of Eric’s boots hitting cobble letting you know you were in the heart of town. Bright lights lit up the square, Christmas decorations dangling from trees and due to be taken down. The whole place was bright, with beautiful designs and colourings on the stone walls that were washed and changed each season. This year, a snowman was decorating trees in the main drawing. Something about it was so warm. Eric was very much not.

“Because it’s like you don’t even get why he’s upset. You’re taking it as if it’s a problem with him when it’s really a problem with you. You can’t see past yourself sometimes, y/n, and it’s ridiculous.”

“Are you really still upset with me too?” you shot back, now figuring out why he seemed to be taking Sunwoo’s side. You stopped while he walked a few paces into the square, watching him decide what to say before turning back to face you.

“Honestly, a little.” His explanation only came when prompted but it seemed like he couldn’t stop himself from saying what he wanted to.

“Really, I didn’t have a reason to be upset with you. I tried to kiss you and stuff before and you’re taken so that’s on me and I’m sorry, but you’re also extremely unfair. No matter what, even when you started dating Sunwoo, you called me everyday and we would talk until forever and not even notice and it wasn’t fine but we didn’t have boundaries; but now we do and you still cross them.

“Like what the fuck was that earlier today? You looked like you were going to cry and then just buried yourself in me. It’s like you’re playing with me and how else am I supposed to take it? Are we just friends? Have we ever really been?”

You watched as his chest rose and fell. He looked so upset but you were at a loss for words. All you could do was call his name but that seemed to make him more upset.

With a shake of his head, he sat on the edge of the fountain in the square and huffed. “I know it’s my fault too and I should try to stop these feelings or something but it’s not that simple. It’s not- it’s not your fault you’re happy and I’m not upset at you for that, I’m just… upset.”

Slowly, you took a seat beside him and pressed your lips together. As best as you could, you swallowed his words as they were, letting them scratch your throat on the way down. Your hand wanted to come on his shoulder but you refrained and sat silently. It was better than nothing.

Despite yourself, you found yourself looking at your hands, voice small and weak as you muttered that you were sorry. He mirrored your words but it didn’t seem to mend much- or anything at all.

——————————————————

I think this was the worst time of my life. I felt, slowly, slowly, like everything was caving in on me. I had the whole boyfriend thing going wrong, my friends seemed distant, Haymond was gone, and the only person I felt like I could truly rely on was you, and even you were slipping through my fingers. It was all because of feelings too, feelings that were overwhelming and that I had no idea what to do with because I couldn’t tell if I felt them when you did or if I’d always felt them towards you and you were just making it all surface. Whatever it was, you confused me, but I didn’t want to let you go. I physically couldn’t, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to.

——————————————————

Mid March 2018

Nervously, you kicked at the gravel in front of your car. You were leaning against your parents’ car, hands shoved in coat pockets that covered your overalls and sweater underneath. It was meant to be shown but the weather, being much different than last year’s, didn’t allow it. With a frown, you tried to avoid thinking too much about last year. It was at this point that things between you and Eric changed and it’d been so hard putting the shattered pieces back together ever since. A big part of you wondered if it was because your friendship the way it used to be was irreparable or if you just didn't want it to go back.

Eric came stumbling out the front door, lugging a large garbage bag behind him with some effort. He was wearing a hat, as always, but his hair was still blonde and bright. You figured he liked the look of it when it clashed with the pink of his cheeks in the cold. You sure did.

“I didn’t think you’d be here so early,” he admitted once getting into your car, garbage tossed and hands sanitized.

From your spot in the driver’s seat, hands at nine and three before crossing over each other on a turn, you spoke. Preoccupied, you were sure your words weren’t as smooth as you meant them to be but he still listened and seemed to understand.

“I wanted to make sure we spent the whole day. I have something kind of fun planned but I don’t know what to do after.”

Turning in his seat, leg propping up against the centre console, Eric fixed you with a hard look, trying to figure out the plan for the night. “What is this fun thing? You haven’t told me yet.”

Smartly, you notched your chin up and grinned brightly, making another turn. “You don’t deserve to know yet. It’s a surprise.”

“You’re so strange,” he chuckled, eyes becoming bright stars that winked. His elbow rested against the armrest, chin in hand as he looked at you in a way you couldn’t decipher.

“It’s why you like me,” you said without thinking.

The comment wasn’t met with a response.

Time dripped by slowly when you were together, as if you were meant to savour every second because there wouldn’t be many more. You continued on talking, bringing up another topic and another until you both were giggling yourselves to bits. Cheeks hurting, you pulled into the driving lot of your destination, glad to begin your day.

Only when a metal bat was placed in Eric’s hand did he seem to get the gist of your outing. A pair of safety goggles were placed over his eyes, large, clear plexiglass shielding from anything that could possibly shatter. After he put on his electrician’s suit, one that was fitted with padding for safety and he got his instructions, Eric shuffled up to you slightly excited.

“This is what you meant by relieving some senior stress, right? Breaking stuff?” He looked unnatural in a uniform like this, safety gloves fixed over his hands but still childish. You nodded.

“It’s like a safe destruction centre and everything broken gets recycled and reused and stuff, plus each room is monitored so it’s like for having fun only or like releasing some endorphins,” you rambled, hoping it didn’t seem like a bad idea. Senior stress was mostly an excuse to get him to come. Deep down, you really just hoped this kind of patched up your relationship. Eric wasn’t ever aggressive but you knew he got angry, as did everyone. It felt like something productive, maybe, to imagine your problems as something physical and kicking it out of the way. It could just disappear that way.

Nervously, Eric looked at you, then around the room and hummed, “we’re not breaking anything in here, right? These things look expensive.”

Snickering, you shook your head, wanting to tease him for being anxious but you couldn’t deny that you were too. As you gripped your own tool, fingers nervously shifting around it, you dared to look him in the eye and explain yourself.

“I- I know you’re mad at me, Eric,” you mumbled, biting down on your lip after hearing how meek your voice was. The boy’s already circular eyes widened into perfect spheres, surprise written on them.

“Wha-”

“And I’m mad at me too, for about a million reasons, and I’m mad at people other than you, and I’m stressed and anxious and confused and everything in between so let’s just take that all out here,” you finished, gesturing to the space around you, eyes following your hands, “because maybe then we can get back to being just us, you know? Have fun, like the old times.”

His hand peeled off his bat and came to rest between you, palm facing upwards and looking a bit small for his gloves. You looked between his eyes and his hand before gently placing yours in his. When he closed his fingers around yours, he smiled lightly and asked, “together, yeah?”

All you could manage was a brave nod and, together, you strode into the first room. Both of you were hesitant, padded room relatively empty despite the displays that were meant to be torn down. Yet, you both tapped at bottles and anything you could take a light swing at without feeling terrible about it. It grew to be fun and, soon, everything became a game. How many candles could you take out with one swing or how many pieces of newspaper could you tear in one rip? The answers were discovered in challenges and laughs, chases around the rooms you were in when you stole his safety gloves and he couldn’t handle the paintballs.

It was hard to remember when you last laughed as hard, hiding behind sprayed garbage cans in the room made specifically for hand to hand paintball fights, trying not to be found. Like an egg cracked on your head, green paint spilled down your cheeks and into your hair. You would’ve screeched or been upset if it wasn’t met by Eric’s outlandish giggle that had him lying on the floor, holding his chest. Instead, your mouth just gaped open and a bit of paint touched your tongue, at which Eric laughed more. Almost immediately, you tipped yourself forward, trying to trap Eric the way he’d trapped you, splashing a pink paintball over his already stained hair, almost like a finishing dye. The way you had him pinned between your legs, one hand struggling to restrain his while the other rested on his head hardly crossed your mind until the last minute and you shuffled away to get off of him.

Pink on his cheeks, very much not from the paint, he sat up and a few feet from you, knees up and arms outstretched over them. Shocked by your own self, you copied his stance and waited for time to pass. The beating of your heart was nearly overwhelming.

Quietly, he murmured, “so, what were you breaking things for?”

Motioning behind him at another door, he waved his thumb and explained, “you seemed a bit fixed on those old IKEA chairs.”

Shyly, you brought your hands to your eyes and chuckled, embarrassed he saw. “I- O didn’t think you were watching me.”

Shrugging, Eric shifted closer, definitely dipping his gloves in paint but he didn’t seem to mind. The music above faded out when you weren’t paying attention to it, nearly disappearing as you focused on the thumping in your chest. Looking at Eric today felt completely different, as if each time you blinked, he was a different person, with layers you never knew before.

“I was thinking of Sunwoo,” you admitted, almost never wanting to lie to him again, “you?”

An exhale left his lips slowly, cheeks puffing out into circles before he lay back on the ground. More paint shifted around him, and around you as you lay beside him, but it didn’t seem to matter. All that mattered for the moment was the tension in your chest, the revolving of the fans above you, and the sound of Eric’s voice.

“School and my parents, you know how they get, and stress and- and honestly, sometimes, you.”

The way he spoke was careful but raw, something you missed hearing from him. Turning your head, you were met with his perfect profile, a killer jaw and chin, with strong cheekbones and nose to match. His hair was splayed across his forehead, pressed there and drying with the paint but it didn’t matter much to him, or to you. He was still beautiful, platinum hair suiting his complexion more than you ever thought it could.

Softly, he murmured, “but mostly me. I guess I’m mad at me for not being able to handle the fact that, like, just because I like you doesn’t mean you have to like me back. I’m mad for being mean to you.”

A laugh coupled his last little mumble, the words, “I don’t know,” slipping past his teeth as he tried to run a gloveless hand through his hair. “A little bit of everything, I guess.”

“Yeah, me too.” The conversation concluded somberly, neither of you particularly keen on continuing it. You’d also taken off your gloves, having them rest on your stomach and take a ride up and down with your breath. Music seemed to fill your ears again, but you weren’t too aware of it.

Almost all you could think of was the inching of your fingers towards his, and the butterflies that creeped up into your stomach when they met. As your pinkies linked, you wondered what it meant for you, for Eric, for Sunwoo. It felt like an affair, though you were sure from other people’s perspectives, maybe you and Sunwoo were the affair.

“I get to pick the next place, right?” Eric’s eyes lit up as you met in the main hall after getting changed out of your uniforms and handing everything back in. You were glad he wasn’t mentioning what happened in the paintball room, knowing it would only render you speechless. All you gave him was another nod, one he took gracefully.

“Then, I’ll drive or I can tell you directions.”

“I can’t know?” you prodded, raising your brows.

He mimicked your stance before, sticking his nose in the air and slyly crooning, “it’s a surprise.”

The surprise was somewhere you’d been going for so long, one of your favourite hang out spots before you left your hometown and you squealed in excitement pulling up to the lot. As you found parking, taking quite a bit to park straight enough, you bounced in your seat.

“I guessed it, I guessed it,” you giggled, turning your head around and placing your hand on the back of his seat to see behind you as you parked, “I’m so excited!”

The innocent laugh that escaped his lips as he watched you, gazed at you almost, was uncontrollable. “I couldn’t tell.”

It took everything not to jump out of the car immediately, leaving it unlocked and behind in the future. Where you were going was the past, and the music and lights and oranged floors of the roller rink were all familiar. Nothing had changed, nothing but you and Eric, both of which were much taller than you used to be. Checking in and getting a pair of ‘70s wheels, you both sat and chittered about the filling rink while tying the laces.

Sticking your foot out, you pouted. “It’s not working, help me.”

So many thoughts ran past Eric’s face, all different emotions before he landed on being amused and helping you with it. As he tied the laces a little tight on purpose, he murmured, “I haven’t been here since you left.”

“What a coincidence,” you said, trying to sound dumb, “me neither? So weird.”

Snorting, he slapped at your foot to tell you it was done and you perked up, trying to stand. Gripping onto a railing, you succeeded in standing but wondered how you were going to make it out with the skaters. Eric’s hand came to rest on the small of your back to steady you before he stepped in first.

“I’ll go around first and see if I can get it and then come get you?”

You shook your head, adamant to follow him. He seemed to get the hang of being on his feet, knees bent just slightly and you copied his stance as you outstretched your hands.

“Together.”

The word slipped out absentmindedly, but it was enough to make him take your hands and pull you forward, lacquered floor definitely easier to roller-skate on. Stumbling a bit, both of you wavered and laughed, gripping onto each other for dear life. More experienced skaters left space around you but it truly felt like they weren’t even there. There was nothing more than Eric’s eyes, which twinkled and shone with every grin and belly laugh. Even when he slipped, he felt like a galaxy splaying out to cover more ground. Nothing about him ever bored you, not even when you were left on your feet trying to pull him back up but he just tugged you down.

If anything, he felt like the place you were supposed to be. Here, with him, where nothing could go wrong, you were safe.

Tired from skating and your previous adventure, Eric went to grab nachos as you unlaced your skates and returned both pairs. Sitting there, in the darker spots of the rink, psychedelic prints as wallpaper and contemporary pieces of Jimi Hendrix plastered against it all, you sat at a high table and reminisced. Both of you sat outward, watching people and picking at chips absentmindedly, thinking about the past you’d let slip through your fingers.

“We came here for Keenan’s birthday, do you remember?” you asked, chuckling a bit as you imagined a horde of little sixth graders bumbling around, pushing and shoving each other, being loud and crazy. They seemed painted gold, your memories.

Eric hummed, smiling broadly as he ate. Covering his mouth to speak politely, he chittered, “I had my first kiss that day.”

Your eyebrows raised, turning to look at him. “Did you really?”

A nod came from him, though he seemed a little confused. As he gripped at a tissue, going to wipe his hands, he inquired, “you don’t remember?”

“You told me about it?”

Blinking, only slightly taken aback, Eric finished cleaning his hand before softly saying, “I didn’t have to tell you because you were it.”

Eyes widening, you tried to think back on it, but you couldn’t. Nothing was coming to mind and it made you feel embarrassed. Something so important to both you and Eric was something you didn’t remember. It didn’t seem to faze him for much longer, the shrug falling off his shoulders trying to seem casual.

“Doesn’t matter, really,” he mumbled, looking down at this hands before turning back out to the public, “it was just a peck.”

——————————————————

Not remembering that kiss definitely made me wonder when I’d started to see you the way I do now. I remember being irrevocably in love with you then, spending days doting on you and trying to get you to see me. I remember all the moments when we would skip around town, go biking or swimming and just be together and I’d think that was what love was- what it meant. Every single day, spent with the person you wanted to be with, that was love. Nothing else. I thought I was wrong before. Now, the more I think about it, the more I realize that’s what love is to me, and it’s difficult when you love someone you can’t see.

——————————————————

Early May 2018

“Keep your knees bent!” Eric called out to you, watching you try to kick off the skateboard but immediately stumbling back to the ground. He was far enough away that it took him a few seconds to skate close enough to shake his head at you.

“Where’s your head at?” he muttered, trying to show you how he stood. Little did he know that your brain wasn’t anywhere near skateboarding. It was your first time learning so you should’ve probably been more attentive but you were so distracted.

A conversation between you and Sunwoo last night seemed to play on repeat, like a cassette tape on loop until the vinyl got pulled and stretched and burnt. By that point, every word sounded warped and unreal, though the feeling was visceral. You didn’t know how Eric didn’t notice the puffiness of your eyes, or maybe he did and didn’t feel it was his place to ask. Instead, he toyed around in your empty streets and determined to teach your how to skateboard.

“Sorry,” you murmured, not even noticing you said it. He went to press his hands lightly on your shoulders, trying to tell you to get a bit more bend in your knees. You complied easily, absentmindedly letting him adjust your stance.

“Everything okay?” Eric asked, dipping down to meet your eyes face on. It was the only moment where you felt like you were living in that time. A part of you wanted to just spill your guts then but you held back, withdrawing into your thoughts once more as you offered him a nod. It was the best you could do given the circumstances.

Lightly, he grasped your hands once more and led you around slowly, in circles. It seemed easy when he led you but you weren’t controlling a thing, just leaning the ways he was pulling you. He coaxed you off his hands, telling you that it was alright before he pulled away completely. Surprisingly, you were on your feet longer than you expected, long enough for him to think it was safe to skate a little further away. He was in the middle of doing a trick when he heard your skateboard clatter across the pavement and your body thudding against the ground.

You watched his head whip over his shoulder before he leapt off his own board, grabbing it off the floor and sprinting toward you. Worry wasn’t natural on his face, you thought that as you sat up, clutching a part of your knee where you felt sharp stings. The rubbing of your jeans against your skin probably didn’t help. It didn’t take much for you to start to feel like your reality was actually happening, dampness of your hand asking you to start properly paying attention to your surroundings.

The tears in your eyes were involuntary. Eric seemed to slide to the ground, coming to sit beside you and trying to pry your hand away from the spot while you sobbed, clutching your leg closer and closer. You were sure it looked like you were crying because of your injury but it was so much more than that. In fact, you didn’t even really feel much pain. Your hand proceeded to press into what felt like a very thin puddle on your jeans.

“Y-y/n, please let me see it I- does it hurt that much? Do we need to go to the hospital? I- Is that blood?!” His voice hitched up, almost exclaiming as he pried your fingers off yours to see the many dotted stains of red up and down the area you scraped against the floor. Panic really did not suit him, he wasn’t well equipped for these situations.

Through your tears, you started to feel less weighted. Looking at Eric care so much for you made you realize you weren’t alone the way you thought you were. It was just a conversation. A break-up wasn’t the end of the world.

A broken laugh broke through your tears, which seemed to spark most of them. You must’ve looked ridiculous, not even trying to wipe at your cheeks with your sleeves. Instead, they covered your hands and tugged you forward as you wrapped your arms around Eric. He seemed taken aback, placing a palm against the ground beside him to steady your weight and his.

You watched as droplets fell against his shoulder, squishing in closer to him only to whisper, “thank you.”

His free hand was somewhere in midair, brain preoccupied and concerned that you were on your knees to hug him. You listened as he spluttered, not quite understanding the situation or anything at all. He was ridiculous on days like this, a little giggle slipping past your teeth at the thought of the look on his face. Pulling back, hands of yours trailing up his shoulders and resting there to face him, you sniffled and forced a smile.

“Thank you for always being here.”

He blinked. The computer of his brain restarted a few blinks later. Silence filled the streets and you became more aware of the dampness of the jean above and below your knees. Suddenly, a sharp sting shot up your leg and you hissed, sitting back on your bum. That seemed to snap him back into real life and the small boy, short but firm, proceeded to help pick you up off the floor.

“Let’s clean you up, yeah?” he murmured, not daring to stare you in the eye anymore, “we can talk after.”

Having no one home that day was a plus. Your parents were out visiting someone for the weekend so you didn’t have to worry about their prodding and chittering and comments about your clumsiness. You’d heard enough when it came to your grades, you really just wanted some peace and quiet.

Eric led you carefully up the stairs, making sure to watch for you. He let you change into shorts in your room, offering to clean up the blood because he knew injuries made you queasy. A little tease escaped his mouth, filling your ears and the quiet air as he spoke.

“I’ll hold your hand if it hurts too much.”

You knew he was kidding but it still caused your heart to pick up. A part of you couldn’t believe you were saying it but Eric excited you. He made you wonder about all the things you could be doing if you were together when you were apart. Not once did he fall back into being your best friend and maybe you never felt that way about him. Selfishly, you kept him so close to your heart that you confused deeper feelings for platonic ones and it was unfair to him- unfair to you.

He’d found the speaker and was playing his relax playlist by the time you emerged from your room, redness up one leg. Eric seemed to pay close attention to that rather than the high cut of your shorts, a bit taken aback by it. You could’ve sworn there was blush on his cheeks. Biting down on your cheek, you made your way to the bathtub and sat down inside of it, outstretching one leg but leaving enough room for Eric to fit. You didn’t want to risk getting blood between the tiles.

Politely and keeping his distance, Eric squeezed in as best as he could, a bottle of antiseptic in one hand and a multitude of cotton pads in the other. There were bandages and pins for them splayed across the closed toilet seat. It definitely wasn’t hospital level clean but it was good enough given the circumstances.

Eric’s free hand gripped yours as he ran over your wounds lightly, obviously trying not to press too hard. He asked for your help sometimes to stretch the skin, apologizing and looking mournful whenever you hissed or a muscle twitched. You weren’t in too much pain, but it was fun to see him care so much for you.

Crimped, blonde hair fell into his eyes and he shook it out of the way as he bent forward, trying to get through every little scratch before he bandaged it. With his mouth dropped open just a fraction of an inch, eyebrows scrunched forward and eyes hyper focused, there was no way he was going to notice you eyeballing him. You watched like he was the first movie ever made, not black and white but in full colour and enamouring. Sharp lines and pink lips, ones that made you wonder what they felt like against yours.

Was it the pain in your chest talking or did you really feel this way?

Breaking the silence, almost unknowingly and without any intention, you murmured, “I’m sorry. I feel like I’ve been so shitty recently and I was- I was unfair to you.”

It wasn’t the first time he looked confused, pausing as he tried to bring your leg closer. He was cupping the bottom of your calve with one hand, the other against your knee to make the bend easier for you. This time, he just waited for you to elaborate, seeing the words form on your lips before they came out in sound.

“I hated Raven for no reason and ever since I started dating Sunwoo, I brought him up all the time and that was wrong of me but maybe,” you paused here, trailing off and not really knowing where you were going until you realized it yourself, “maybe I wanted you to feel the same way I did. I wanted you to be jealous too, which is shitty.

“It’s horrible of me, actually,” you admitted, lowering your tone and embarrassed with yourself. Despite hearing it out loud and knowing how it sounded, you needed it out in the open. It felt only right for him, the person who knew you bone deep, to hear the secrets you’d been hiding for so long.

“I love Sunwoo, I do,” you assured him, or was it yourself? Catching the way you spoke, you hesitated before continuing, dipping your chin further into your chest and pouting, “it’s just- sometimes I just- I don’t know, it’s like-”

“Sometimes, it’s hard to admit that you’re in love with your best friend.” He finished for you, clipping the last bit of the bandage together. His eyes didn’t meet yours, staying fixed on the beige wrappings against your skin. It almost looked like a present with his hands around your leg, holding it so tenderly.

Slowly and almost silently, he murmured, “and that maybe a part of you will always be in love with them.”

“Sunwoo and I broke up,” you said so definitively, you wondered if he would take the hint.

The surprise in his eyes didn’t lead to the same conclusion. You watched him want to ask how it happened, if you were alright and needed some sort of support. Maybe he was putting it together that’s why you were crying, or maybe it was nothing of the sort.

Looking for an answer you knew you weren’t going to get, you filled the clueless kid in on your desire. “Kiss me now or forever hold your peace.”

Your joke was almost cut off by his lips pressing into yours, soft and warm and everything you imagined it to be. He was cinnamon without the spice, hands so generously sliding up your leg while the other came to steady your jaw and neck. This time, it was a kiss you wouldn’t forget. That much you were sure of, smile spreading across your lips whenever it got the chance. His breathless laugh in that closed space was all you could think of in the days to pass.

——————————————————

Truthfully, I don’t know where this puts us. We hardly saw each other or talked, exams and then my trip getting in the way. I could feel the desperation between us for an answer but neither of us had one, and I don’t know if I ever will. It’s weird, but exciting and fun. I hope that, when I come back, I’ll have an answer. I want to know who I love once and for all, and put an end to this part of my life. Leaving high school means leaving these little letters behind, letters I’ve poured everything I am into. I’m glad you’re my last, Eric. You’ve been the love I’ve had the longest and a love I don’t think will ever fade. I don’t ever want it to.

Love forever, probably, your best friend, y/n y/l/n. On June 18th, 2018.

——————————————————

The paper in Eric’s hand ruffled as he tried to straighten it out. There were wrinkles on it and a bunch of edits and pen markings from different hands. Almost everyone wanted to make it perfect but the weight was on him to tell you and hope it reached you. He approached your room only to hear soft sobs from inside and pieces of words. Amalia, the person who helped him earlier today, was inside and murmuring to you. A lack of a closed door helped him hear her a bit more clearly.

“I never meant for this to happen,” she seemed to whimper, voice quiet. It felt inappropriate to listen and Eric nearly dipped away but her next sentence caught his ear.

“I sent the letters because I- I wanted to show you how many people you’ve touched, and how many people love you.”

His eyebrows arched up, but a part of him wondered why he was even surprised. You were very secretive about these letters. It seemed only Sunwoo really knew you had them but he was convinced you’d only sent him them until he saw the one to Haknyeon. Eric only found out in January but he didn’t expect to get one himself, much less the eleven other boys that showed up over the past few weeks. It really never was your intention for anyone to see, then.

Softly, Amalia continued, seeming to lose her touch the more she spoke. She was almost a spool of yarn someone had rolled across a floor and Eric couldn’t help but understand. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t feel the same.

“You kept saying you were losing everyone and nobody would know if you disappeared but so many people would. I would and I- I do. I’m here, y/n. Please. Please wake up.”

With a definitive break in her voice, she whispered, “please, I miss you so much.”

Figuring he’d overheard enough, Eric took steps away and rested in a chair near the room, waiting for his chance. Instead, he looked over his very own papers and tried to read it over before he went in. In some way, it felt like rehearsing a script and he wanted it to be perfect. He wanted you to hear it the way he intended it, the way everyone else did too. Reading it again seemed to hurt more than he remembered it would.

The sound of the chair scraping against the floor, rubber on the legs of it making the sound muted, filled the room once he entered. Amalia had put it back on the opposite side of the room, away from the ledge of your belongings which Eric eyed for a moment. He’d added his little bit of affection for you after reading your letter, hoping you’d remember which was his when you woke.

A small exhale escaped his mouth, almost as if he was preparing for something he didn’t know how to handle. If he was being honest with himself, he didn’t think you’d hear him at all with this. All he could do was hope but that was wishful thinking. Thinking he didn’t know if he could afford to make, realistically.

Sniffling for a moment, extending the paper before him after taking a small rub at his nose, he began to speak, praying that in the galaxy of your brain, he’d reach you.

“Okay, y/n,” he breathed, a lack of courage sapping at his voice until he cleared his throat to say, “I don’t know if you can hear me but, here goes, I guess”

Straightening his paper out and mumbling little whispers of encouragement to himself, already feeling the tightness in his throat, he said, “We thought that- like me and Sunwoo and other people- we thought that, since you’ve written all of us a letter, it was about time you had one written to you.

“Sunwoo helped, and Amalia and Joon and- and basically everyone around. They all had something they wanted to say so it's here, I guess. In this paper, right here,” he hummed, waving the paper around lightly. Catching his ridiculousness, knowing you couldn’t see him, he paused and gave a laugh that lacked amusement. He was so nervous.

“Everyone wanted to start at the beginning so they said I should be the one to say it to you. Sunwoo wanted to be here but he’s doing a few more tests now and I have to leave for school soon. It’s been a bit since I’ve been and I don’t think I can miss any more time.

“I wish I could hear your voice. I’m really nervous to leave home and study in the city. You said you were going too and we’d be in the same city but I don’t know which university you accepted. I don’t even know if you’re going anymore.”

Catching himself rambling, Eric tried to shift his focus back to the words scrawled on paper, desperately ignoring the nipping at his eyes. It was just the air conditioner, he lied to himself, trying to convince himself that it wasn’t the build up of emotions he’d been trying so hard to repress.

“Sorry, I got distracted but, yeah. This letter is for you. Dear y/n, the person who brought so many people together, a sibling, a child, a best friend; you. It was hard figuring out where to start this letter but the basis of everyone’s answers when they thought of you was love. Maybe they were all letters you addressed to people but they held so much love.

“Without even knowing it, you touched so many hearts. If only you could see the ever growing list of affections next to you. There’s a basketball, a new makeup brush, a guitar pick, a plant, and empty Coca Cola bottle, this big lemonade cup from the fair in town, apparently, a book of poems, a mask from the dance we went to- do you remember that dance?”

Stuttering here, Eric looked up and locked eyes with his next artifact, murmuring, “th- Sunwoo’s grey sweater, a coffee cup with doodles on it, a toy train and- and my skateboard. They’re all here for you, things people remember you with everyday. A sweater Sunwoo can’t see without thinking of you, closing his eyes and remembering your smell on it. A skateboard I watched you fall from and rip your skin on. A train from Haknyeon, something he says is one of his favourite memories.”

Giving pause here, Eric nearly crumpled his paper, desperately pushing back a tear that fell without permission. He dipped his head down, taking a deep breath. It felt like he was shattering, reading it aloud. To himself, he could make the letter detached but having you in the room, hoping you’d hear it: it was too much for him. Slowly, he inhaled until his breath wavered less and less and he could speak clearer.

“It’s all these things that showed everyone who visited the person you really were. We didn’t talk about our letters but we all knew. It was the look in everyone’s eyes, the delicacy in which we viewed you. It was like a bond between brothers, a circle linking everyone with you in the middle. You’re the puppet master, pulling us all in to meet each other for no other reason other than your love, which you spread so easily and willingly.

“You guard your heart but there’s gold underneath there. You’re kind and accepting. You’re sweet and you listen- genuinely listen- and you care for people, no matter who they are or how little you’ve known them. Anyone you meet, you treat them like a friend, even if you’re scared or awkward or nervous.”

If Eric closed his eyes, he could remember you walking up to him at such a young age and just thrusting your hand forward to pull him from the sand he fell in. You weren’t even in the same class and still, you came to help him out. How many times have you saved his ass without even realizing it?

The thought caused breakages in his heart and voice, fractures and fissures appearing nearly everywhere, as if his whole body was shattering from pressure.

“It’s- it’s time you knew your worth,” he began, clenching his jaw in a feeble attempt to keep his composure, “you make people feel seen just as much as people make you feel seen. I don’t think you realize the way people love you, have loved you, continue to love you. We need you. More honestly, I need you. So please just- please just come back. Don’t leave me now. Not yet. We have our whole lives we need to see together. Together, y/n. Please.”

The way he crushed under the pressure of his words, emotions weighing in on every piece of his body until he bent and hid his face in the sheets of your bedroom. He wasn’t one for crying, or so he liked to think. It was childish. He was trying to be more grown up, but adult life didn’t prepare him for this: the loss of the one person that would probably make the biggest difference in his life.

Water dripped on his paper but he could just put it to the side now. He said all he needed to say and it still didn’t take you out of your sleep. It still didn’t bring him back. All he was in this situation was useless, a puddle of nothing. He couldn’t help you. He couldn’t even try. All he could do was sit there and cry, hide in your sheets and pray it was all a dream. Every night, that’s what he did and it didn’t seem to work but it didn’t matter. Anything for the shadow of your voice again. Anything to feel like you were still there.

The stiffness of fingers in his hair was enough to give him pause. There was an obvious attempt to brush through his locks but it was almost unnatural, like whoever was doing it didn’t know how to move anymore.

Lifting his head, partially not wanting it to be you so you wouldn’t see him as broken as this, he met your eyes. They were only slits, the slightest bit open and maybe blurred, but it was you. A little smile pinched at your cheeks, fingers sliding through his hair a bit smoother now.

“Why… why are y… you crying?” The question came out in stages, throat obviously parched and creaking from a lack of use, but it didn’t matter. It was you. Eric would have laughed, bringing your hand down to hold it as he leaned further into you to hear your words, words which pushed him to chuckle when he never thought he would have.

“Big baby.”

Your smile widened at his noise, maybe wanting to laugh along too but that would take a bit of time. Gripping your hand in his, he let his tears fall more, but for so many different reasons. Grogginess sapped at you but you were still you. You were finally here. When he looked at you, it was like he was looking at the stars. Even now, half awake in the hospital bed. You were his whole galaxy. He, too, never wanted to stop loving you, not if it meant never feeling this happy again.

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