Sometimes the only thing you need is a moment to breathe and bit of space.
And when you can come together again with a calm head and a change of perspective you will see that life is too short to hold grudges and build up those walls you’re so used to.
Learn to love and let love in, only then will you find your peace.
When I sat down to write Let it Fall I had not written anything to completion in 10 years.
I had been out of practice with fandom for nearly 5 years at that point. I had been through a lot those five years: Struggling with infertility, getting pregnant, having a very difficult pregnancy, losing the baby in labor, and then getting very sick a week and a half later when the doctors of the hospital botched my section and left me near death.
Things were rough but we were doing okay. We managed. We worked through the grief and we learned to live with it every day. I considered writing my story some day, maybe a memoir, but then I knew how that may be tapping into a part of me I had healed. I didn’t want to open those new wounds.
My journey after my son’s birth was not necessarily easy. I began to have other health issues - weight gain from PCOS; Fibro symptoms; Anxiety attacks and Depression. Some days my knees would hurt no matter what I did. On my first trip to NYC I could barely handle the stairs my knees were so swollen from pain and inflammation.
I ended up having about 5 surgeries in those five years before I wrote Let it Fall. Not all related to the birth of my son (section and bowel obstruction surgery were the only two related to that), but just overall health stuff and the choice to have weight loss surgery. But then I had to have an emergent hernia surgery in August of 2018, and I really tried to be strong. It was hard.
Then I found fandom again. I got back into Harry Potter. I was in it when I was in my teens and the nostalgia while my husband was playing a Harry Potter Lego Game was really strong. I began consuming fic in a way I hadn’t in years. I wanted to read everything. And then I got an idea.
That idea blossomed when I found out about how Draco Malfoy’s wife died when their son was just reaching the point of becoming a teen. A crucial time in anyone’s life, and a horrible time to lose a parent. My heart bled for those chars, and while a lot of people really hate the fact that JK killed off Astoria, something inside of me was born.
And that’s where Let it Fall came from. It took me a long time to realize that Let it Fall wasn’t a Harry and Draco story, but rather a Draco story that had Harry’s experience in it too because it was necessary to show the reader how these two men, in their own ways were finding themselves. And how through their journey they were able to become stronger with each other.
It took me damn near a year to get that thing posted. It took me a solid 9 months total to write it (December is the month of my son’s birthday and nothing ever gets done in that month, so really 8 months). I joined Discord, I found friends, I made pals for a lifetime. I found community. I found the ability to write original fiction.
I’m releasing my first book in the Spring.
All of this because of this story. All of this because my son, my angel baby, taught me what it’s like to work through grief and find life. I am so very blessed that the comments that have come along with this story have been...beyond incredible. Every single person has been touched in an emotionally evoking way. The recs from my friends have been stunning. My husband is currently reading this fic and told me he has to take his time with it because it makes him so emotional to hear about Draco’s journey through grief.
Life is fucking strange, I can tell you that. But I’m glad I ended up here regardless. And most of all, I’m thankful that I just let things go, and let it fall.
