This post is going to make a lot of disability "allies" angry and/or uncomfortable. I do not care.
Im so fucking tired of OCD being painted as "the cleaning disorder" and "everything must be so neat and tidy disorder" its not. its can be like that, sometimes. but just as often as OCD can cause (severely mentally and socially taxing) attention to being clean, often times it actually the opposite. and in my case, its severely the opposite. im sharing pictures because i don't know how to better explain to people that i can not walk on the floor of my room. i walk on top of old clothes and books and trash. I hope you realize this is an incredibly vulnerable thing for me to do.
I. can. not. walk. on. my. floor. i really cant show it any better. and yes, ive tried cleaning. ive tried cleaning with my meds. I've tried cleaning to music. ive tried throwing things away. every time it ends in me crying. that suitcase was last used 6 months ago, i still haven't unpacked it. that chick-fil-a bag has been there for over two years. why cant i throw it away? its full of worm on strings that i got as a joke and never tried to do anything with. those paint splotches on the floor are three years old. the last decent clean of my room was almost 6 months ago, and a lot of that mess was pushed under my bed. its still there. and if you understand why my room is like this, you can only imagine how long its been since ive washed my hair OCD isnt always clean. it isnt always neat or symmetrical or pretty often times its filthy, its sleeping in trash. it smells horrible, it doesn't let me be clean or perfect. it doesnt want to be clean OCD does not want to be clean. it wants everything to be correct. and often times, correct means leving old towels on the floor becuase it would be wrong to move them. I have more to say. im going to make more posts about our OCD. but for now, i am tired, and i feel like shit. so i am going to go wash my hands because that is the cleanest i know how to be
