Society has pushed me down, calling me useless and all manner of foul things, telling me I need to be fixed.
That I need to be functional.
That I need to change myself in order to have a place in this world, because those of us who can't pull ourselves together live a life in the shadows of others that some would call barely worth living.
I can't. So what now? Even knowing how useless and bleak it seems, knowing I don't have the energy or the will to continue fighting for long and am running on fumes and spite at best, I can't resign myself to that fate.
Fuck all the motivational posters, quotes and whatnot meant for able-bodied people with a brain that doesn't actively fight them every day. It just doesn't work like that. And yet we're made to feel bad, to think ourselves lazy, when we can't motivate ourselves to even try. We beat ourselves up just as much if not more than the outsiders who couldn't even begin to understand our struggles. We can't accept that sometimes we're just not okay.
Sometimes we just can't do it.
Sometimes we need to rest more than others do.
Sometimes we need to cancel plans because the brain and body decide to rebel against us that day.
Sometimes we can't eat healthy or exercise even if we want to.
Sometimes we're just trying to survive. And surviving itself is an act of resistance.
We're not okay, and we're also not alone. There are often others right beside you, suffering their invisible struggles in silence. Wondering if today will be the day they finally lose it all.
We're not okay. And it's okay not to be okay.
It's okay to ask for help, and it's okay if you can't right now.
It's okay to accept help if it's extended to you, even if you don't feel like you deserve it.
It's okay to have days where you just can't do anything.
It's okay to have a messy living space, because you can't for the life of you bring yourself to clean up.
It's okay to have chores that go undone today because you don't have it in you to do them.
It's okay to not feel like talking to people today.
It's okay to have coping methods outside the realm of what's considered "healthy".
It's okay to be exhausted.
It's okay to wish things were different.
It's okay to use that mobility aid, even if you feel like you "don't really need it".
It's okay to use whatever you have available for communication, for whatever reason you may be uncomfortable with or unable to speak.
It's okay if your disability makes other people uncomfortable. It's not your responsibility to cater to them. And it's also okay if you still feel like you have to hide it.
It's okay if your disability and the accomodations you need inconveniences other people. You don't need to apologize. And it's okay if you feel compelled to apologize anyway.
It's okay to advocate for yourself, and have others advocate for you. It's okay if this pisses able-bodied people off. You're not the asshole for fighting for your right to accessibility.
You're just trying to survive.
We're all just trying to survive.
And I'm proud of each and every one of you for making it this far. For surviving, even if just barely. We're here for you, if you want to keep surviving together. We're reaching out a hand, and you're invited to take it.
You're not obligated to, of course. Even if you don't, just know we see you and your struggles, and we appreciate the fact that you're alive. You're part of our community, even if you don't engage with it.
You are loved, by us if by no one else, and you are worthy of love. Yes, even you, with all your struggles and baggage. Even though you're broken. We'll be the ones to appreciate and protect all of the pieces - we won't try to force you back together, we won't try to "fix" you, because we understand that it isn't fucking helpful.
We're broken too. We've been there. People have tried to fix us and only done more damage.
We're not okay. We may never really be okay. And that's okay.
