#self regard

[thesagittarianmind]

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: I'm an INFJ with self worth problems and recently have made a list about what i really need from others to be my friends. I would like you to help me by reading it and telling me if this is too unrealistic?

"i need friends who I can have any type of stupid conversation with, such as big ideas, gossip, dreams of the future or planning a trip. That I'm able to connect intellectually and emotionally, who is funny and we can spend time doing nothing in silence. Who are supportive of me and wants the best for me always. Who are empathetic with others and good people. that enjoys staying in watching movies or playing games or brainstorming. or going out to a chill place to get beers and laugh together. also a person who's there when I'm feeling lonely and sad. that makes me feel like im not so alone."

for example, I know I also should be friends with sensors but i find it very difficult to connect with people who cannot engage in a more abstract or idea oriented way of talking, people who take things I say very literally. I know it's their own way of speaking and it's not natural for them to engage in abstract ideas but I find it hard to find common ground with them. I have an ISTP friend, for example, and I really love her but sometimes I'm anxious because I said something funny but it wasn't funny or interesting for her because she took my humor literally. for ex:

she: "I'd like we could travel"

me: "Me too, friend… You know what? we can do it! we can get to the airport and tell someone their flight has been canceled and get to plane in secretly. Nobody would notice! hahaha"

she: "oh… that's crazy… haha"

and then we don't connect as well as she does with other people.

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There are two issues to address:

1) Validation & Acceptance: When you have low self-worth, you have a very hard time validating, accepting, and loving yourself. Thus, it certainly helps to have someone in your corner to validate you and encourage you to accept and love yourself. Positive self-regard is a legitimate need, because it is necessary for psychological well-being, so it's not unreasonable to want someone to help you fulfill this need.

Where people generally go awry is when they expect that a friend should be perfect, i.e., that they always know what you want, always say the right thing, are always there when you need them, etc. A "good" person is not the same as a "perfect" person. A good person puts out their best effort, but that doesn't mean they always succeed or that their good intentions always produce good results. Expecting perfection is too big of a burden to place on any one person, even if they are willing to accept the burden. You should ideally have a social support network to lean on, rather than expecting just one person to fulfill your every need.

Another way people go awry is by being too self-absorbed because they are too needy for validation and acceptance. If you want to make friends with a good person and keep them in your life, it's important to remember that you also have to be a good person to them. You have to offer them validation and acceptance in return, in order to make it worthwhile for them to stick around.

2) Shame & Low Self-Awareness: When you have low self-worth, it is often accompanied by deep-seated shame about your needs and wants, leading you to hide them away for fear of being rejected for them. When you have gone neglected for a long time, you lose touch with yourself and then don't know yourself very well, unable to express your needs, desires, and feelings constructively. It makes sense that you would want a friend who can relate to you, read you well, and teach you something about who you are.

It is important to have like-minded friends because they reflect back to you the aspects of yourself that you like to see, which helps build up your self-regard. However, don't forget that it's just as important to have challenging friends, because they reflect back to you the aspects of yourself that you're trying to hide, the parts of you that you're deeply ashamed of. Otherwise, you might remain forever blind to your shame and its influence over you, thus stalling your growth.

That said, personal growth is a very long and gradual process, a lifelong process. When you have low self-worth, you need to go through a period of building up your self-regard, of feeling proud of who you are, before your ego is strong enough to confront your darker side. There's nothing wrong with admitting that you aren't able to relate to people who are very different from you… at this point in time. Being realistic about what you can handle is good. But remember that you won't feel whole until you can accept every part of yourself, shame and all.

[waterbabym]

What drives over-apologizing? We can never know for sure. It may be a reflection of low self-esteem, a diminished sense of entitlement, an unconscious wish to avoid any possibility of criticism or disapproval before it even occurs, an excessive wish to placate and please, some underlying river of shame, or a desire to show off what a well-mannered Brownie Scout one is. Or, alternatively, the reflexive “I’m sorrys” may be nothing more than a verbal tick, a little self-effacing girl-thing that developed long ago, and now is something like an automatic hiccup. You don’t need to know what causes something in order to fix it. If you over-apologize, tone it down. If you’ve forgotten to return your friend’s salad bowl, don’t apologize numerous times, as if you ran over her kitten. Over-apologizing creates distance and interrupts the normal flow of conversation. It will irritate your friends, and also make it harder for them to hear you when you offer an apology that you really need to give.

Harriet Lerner,  Why Won't You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts

[phree-izi]

"I'm in a love triangle with me, I, and myself.”

Saba The Godis

[real-life-counseling]

Don't be ashamed to share your story!

[abrilasncn]

In order for a person to build a healthier self-concept, he must first understand that God validates his worth... Our true value is rooted from when God said: "let us make Man in Our image and after Our likeness" (Gen. 1:26). Our interpersonal ability to "love (others is because) He loved us first (1 John 4:19)."

abril asncn

[afroeditions]

For Her 88th Birthday, Toni Morrison Gives Us the Gift of Self-Regard

“A writer’s life and work are not a gift to mankind; they are a necessity,” Toni Morrison writes in the prologue of her latest book, T

[zmkccommonplace]

There is no mistake as great as thinking you’re incapable of making one.

Camilla Tominey, UK journalist on a serious blunder by a UK radio commentator with a high opinion of himself.