I have had a few epiphanies in the last 30 days.
Most recently, I realized that I felt free for the first time in perhaps ever while trying to become a healthier eater. This freedom happened slowly, until one day it occurred to me: I’m not thinking about calories. About foods being “good” or “bad.” About my eating behaviors being good or bad. Or the scale.
The “I’ve been good” and “I’ve been bad” self-talk started for me with Weight Watchers. I’m not here to bash WW, but regardless of the iteration--points, points-plus, green/blue/purple plans--people always seemed to be trying to figure out how to game the system. I know I did. Eat a “bad” food--borrow some points from later. Eat a “bad” food--exercise some more to get those extra points.
I was worried with Whole30 that my life would be consumed by us vs. them foods. What can I have and not have. I wondered whether it was a good idea to eliminate entire categories of foods and whether this would trigger a host of complicated feelings about my body, my long struggle with obesity, and my lifelong pattern of turning to food for comfort. I read a few things, including this post by a nutritionist who gave up Whole30 for herself and her clients. It made me think a lot about what I was doing.
Yesterday, as the September Whole30 began, I weighed for the first time in several weeks and discovered I had lost 14 pounds. I felt:
Astonished
Delighted
Surprised
Accomplished
These were unexpected feelings, because usually, when I weigh, I almost always feel disappointed. Filled with guilt and self-hatred: Why didn’t I lose more, why did I gain weight back that I’ve already lost dozens of times, why do I have this burden of a body that is too large, why don’t I exercise, if I exercised I could lose more. But, not yesterday. I felt good.
A lot of people may say, Why do another Whole30 when you just finished the month? One of the critiques of Whole30 is that it isn’t supposed to be a lifestyle, yet it becomes one for many. For me, eating this way makes me feel better physically. I have been sleeping better. Edema in my feet kept me from putting on my walking shoes until Saturday, when we took a trip to Huntsville and I walked comfortably (well ... except for bug bites) on a wooded trail for the first time in more than a year. My skin, while still a challenge, continues to improve.
I also genuinely love the food I’ve been eating. Eggs fried or scrambled in ghee with a bit of olive oil, and egg salad for lunch.
I make myself chicken salads (canned chicken from Wild Planet is one of my favorite shortcuts), soups filled with fresh, delicious vegetables, satisfying nut butters on apples or celery, sweet potatoes, regular potatoes, raw nuts, and fruits that I adore, like Minneola tangeloes, red plums, Gala apples, blackberries and bananas.
I’ve eaten meals out with my sweet partner, Robert, and there was nothing I ate that I didn’t enjoy, including some of Texas’s finest barbecue. Last night I made myself a hamburger and wrapped it in lettuce with sliced tomatoes and microwaved myself a small Yukon gold potato. It was so delicious.
The food I am cooking and eating is extremely simple, it doesn’t take a ton of time to prepare, and it tastes really, really good. I don’t have a reason at this point to change any of this or go back to foods that do not serve me well.
