A Guide to “How Are You?”
So, I’m autistic, and of course, I can get slightly confused by certain social situations. But I’ve discovered that many others across the spectrum are confused by a very specific common greeting (at least, here in the US, where I live): “How are you?”
Other variations of this include “how ya doing” and “how have you been?”
This has confused many, and from what I’ve heard, it’s something that’s mostly in the States, so there’s also a cultural disconnect at times. Many have said that this question is dumb, since, if you answer honestly, it turns out that “other didn’t actually want to know” and “they only asked to make themselves feel good.”
However, as a neurodivergent person who has been studying many neurotypical social norms and cues for many years now, I believe that that is slightly untrue. Most neurotypicals who ask this question do care about having a relatively honest answer and are often curious about how others are doing, however, “how are you” is still a question that has some very simple “rules” to it. In this post, I will be explaining the purpose of this question, and how to properly answer it in a way that others will find acceptable. It can be confusing at first, but once you understand the underlying intent behind it and know how to properly respond, it is very simple.
Intent Behind the Question:
A common reason people say this as a greeting is because they have essentially conditioned to say it. Everyone who uses this phrase has grown up hearing it all the time as a common greeting, similar to “hello,” thus creating a subconscious link between the phrase and saying “hello.” This has caused many to develop a knee jerk reaction to saying this where they greet someone. They are often saying by pure instinct rather than to be polite.
However, there is also a second reason many people say “how are you” as a greeting: they do legitimately want to know how you’re doing. “Now wait just a minute,” you may be saying, “it seems like everyone expects me to just say ‘fine’ as a response rather than how I’m actually feeling!” This is partially true, however, it’s a bit more complicated than that.
From what I can tell and based on my interactions with many neurotypical folks who ask this question as a greeting, they are perfectly okay with hearing how you actually feel, and don’t often mind it when it’s bad news. You don’t need to say that you’re fine, it’s just the easiest response.
What many don’t want to hear is all the details. The question is more meant to be a basic read on your current mood and how you’ve been in general lately, not everything that is currently happening in your life. They just want a short, simple answer with not to much context.
How to Answer:
The second part of this is a better explanation of exactly how one is supposed to answer the question in a way that is honest without overdoing it.
As I previously mentioned, the purpose of the question is to gauge how a person is feeling with a short, concise response. This means it’s good to answer honestly, but keep it brief. A good way to keep it brief is to explain how you’re doing in a single sentence.
Examples of this:
“I’m doing fine.”
“I feel great!”
“I’m kinda sad...”
Another thing that is typically an expectation and a way to keep it short is to not get all into exactly why you are feeling the way you’re feeling. The only reason it might be okay to get into it is if you haven’t see the person in a long time and are having a conversation with them or if they are someone close to you.
People may mostly care about how you are feeling, especially since that can affect how they should interact with you, but a lot of strangers don’t care quite enough to hear about your personal life and whatnot. It can admittedly feel like oversharing if you get a little far into it.
So, here are some samples for types of responses you can use to answer the question honestly:
(Feeling neutral or don’t want to talk about it) “I’m fine.”
(Happy about something) “I’m doing great!”
(In a bad mood) “I could be doing better/Things aren’t great right now.”
These are the most common types of answers and fit with a variety of things. They are short, brief, concise, and honest, but they also don’t explain to much about why someone is experiencing said emotions.
These are the most simple ways to answer the question. The main reason that “fine” is such a commonplace answer is because it’s very neutral. It’s not always that people don’t want to hear your honest answer, they’re just not expecting it. Most people don’t feel like sharing that much about how they’re feeling, so it can catch people off guard a bit.
But there are ways to answer honestly whilst simultaniously not putting people off, and that is by keeping it brief and straightforward without too much explanation.
Hopefully this was helpful to anyone who might need this.
~~~~ Anyways, that’s how to navigate the question “how are you?” I was gonna make this a one off thing, but I’m starting to consider making this a small series or something. Basically me as an autistic person explaining certain social ques and stuff based on what I’ve observed overtime. All the posts would take a very analytical viewpoint, as I didn’t learn some of these things in the same way neurotypical people did: I just overanalyzed stuff. So I have the advantage of both being able to communicate with my fellow neurodivergent folks in a way we all understand, and I also have a complex understanding of some of the social stuff.
So what do ya’ll think? Should I make this a little series? And if so, what should I cover?
