It doesn't always have to be the kisses with minute-long slow-motion approaches and dramatic music. It's these little everyday ones that make relationships seem realistic. (Part 3/?)
ThamePo
Let Free The Curse Of Taekwondo
Fourever You
Life: Love On The Line
Last Twilight
Cosmetic Playlover
Century Of Love
Living With Him
Our Skyy 2
TopForm
My favorite bl-tropes collection, as most of the times in no particular order.
Apparently my brain has decided not to move on from Top Form. But with an episode that gave us all of this:
why am I stuck here???
I just can't stop thinking about that scene; what I wanted from it vs what happened vs what Akin needed.
Trigger Warning: SA/rape
Before I go any further, let's make a couple things clear.
Akin has nothing to be ashamed of. He was not responsible for what happened to him. Period. Choosing to become intoxicated does not mean you are responsible if a predator takes advantage of the situation. It is never the victims fault. However, that doesn't mean people in that situation don't blame themselves. I wish Akin had been angry at the right people instead of himself, but Akin's reaction is tragically common and relatable. And as much as it would have been refreshing to see Akin angry, I respect the series for showing us this very toxic and real reaction to what happened to him. This post will be focusing on Akin's feelings and in no way am I implying he should feel this way.
It doesn't matter if it was SA or rape. The violation to one's autonomy doesn't change. No one here is minimizing what Johnny did because he got turned off when Akin said someone else's name and stopped. And I don't think the show was intending to do that either, even if it includes the toxic forgive and forget we commonly see in Thai dramas. But not knowing what has happened to you, if anything, is a trauma all by itself. It's okay for Akin to be relieved to know just how his body was violated, even if it doesn't change that his autonomy was stolen.
I apologize in advance if any of my word choices or attempt at explaining my thoughts causes any discomfort. I'm doing my best to explain what I saw in this story/characters and what they were feeling. If any of my phrasing comes across as insensitive or dismissive, please give me the benefit of the doubt and some room to be human.
On to the main event
I initially felt pretty meh because the apology didn't give me everything I wanted, but I was willing to call it good enough and move on. But I've changed my mind. The more I think about it, the more it feels like the perfect resolution.
🐈 Kat did an excellent job talking about what WE wanted vs what Akin needed in this amazing post. And I agree, Jin gave Akin exactly what he needed in Episode 7.
I know a lot of us had different reactions to episode 7. I'm not here to tell people they are wrong for interpreting things differently from me or for wanting something different from the story. I was angry as hell at Jin for his behavior in episode 6, and although I could understand his pain, I had a lot of things I wanted from episode 7. I was not ready to forgive Jin easily. But as Kat pointed out, Akin wasn't mad at Jin. Akin already felt ashamed and guilty for what happened, Jin didn't cause that. What made things worse for Akin in that garage was seeing Jin in pain. He didn't need Jin to apologize because Akin felt he was the one who was at fault.
Akin didn't need to forgive Jin, he needed to forgive himself, and Jin deserves massive credit for recognizing that.
I do believe Jin felt awful for how he had reacted and for leaving Akin. Initially, Jin's own pain and feelings had made him blind and deaf to Akin's suffering. Even fearing that Akin had cheated, knowing Akin was lying to his face, what Jin desperately wanted was for Akin to give him hope that there was still something to fight for. So when Akin couldn't give him that, Jin fell apart. But just because I can understand Jin, that isn't an excuse for how he added to Akin's pain and I wanted him to take responsibility for every one of Akin's tears in that garage!
But as much as I was angry at him, I honestly don't believe Jin was looking for an apology from Akin in episode 7. I don't believe his tears in that theater were about him hearing Akin say sorry, I think it was his reaction to seeing Akin's pain, not understanding what caused it, but knowing he was part of it. In that moment, Akin's pain became more important than his own and Jin needed to do something about it. Only then does he confront Johnny. I don't know what Jin suspected, but the fact that he recorded the convo is telling. I think he was looking for a way to help Akin, not clarify if they had slept together or not, so he could give Akin the answers he needed and the tools to forgive himself. I don't think it mattered at all to Jin how far things had gone. Once he realized Akin was hurting over what had happened, Jin had the hope he had needed to fight for their relationship.
And then that's what Jin did:
Akin texts Jin to meet. Jin is excited. But Akin came to give back the necklace.
Akin: "Sorry. I'm probably not right for it."
Jin askes if that's is really why he came and Akin says yes. But there is pain and longing there and Jin sees it and it's the hope he needs. So he kisses Akin and Akin falls apart.
Akin is the first to apologize because he blames himself. But Jin wasn't looking for that and immediately says he is the one that should be apologizing. Not because he was wrong about what had happened with Johnny, but because he knew he had left Akin alone.
Jin: "I'm sorry for making you sad. I am sorry for leaving you that day. I'm sorry. You're not wrong."
But Akin's shame won't allow him to believe Jin's words that he wasn't wrong. He doesn't believe he deserves Jin's apology or love. And Akin falls more and more apart as Jin continues to apologize and fights to run because it all hurts too much.
Jin is trying to reach Akin. Trying to get him to understand.
Jin: "I love you. I'll never let anyone take you away from me."
But this is exactly why Akin got out of that car. He knew how Jin felt about him, could see Jin's pain, and Akin couldn't bear being the source of that pain.
Jin can see the way Akin's shame and self blame is tearing him apart, so he reassures Akin that he didn't sleep with Johnny. Not to minimize Akin's SA or imply that somehow everything is okay as long as there wasn't actual sex. It's to reassure Akin that what he feared most, what he couldn't forgive himself for, didn't happen. That Akin has nothing to hate himself for, nothing to regret. (not that he was ever to blame, but that is how Akin felt) And Akin's reaction to this realization is shattering to watch.
Jin tells Akin over and over again that he did nothing wrong and Akin is finally able to hear that and believe that and the healing can start.
And I apparently live there now.
I was absolutely sick about what they did to Akin in episode 6. I have done a lot of mental gymnastics to overlook toxic messaging in series, but this time it had gone too far for me just to be able to ignore it. There was a narrow path that they could walk for me not to rage quit this show and it involved being VERY clear that Akin was not responsible for what had happened to him. And we got that. And even though I didn't get the groveling Jin and angry Akin I wanted, I think what they gave me was better for the story they were telling. I said I needed them to make me respect the story they were telling to forgive them for this story line, and I am relieved to say that they did just that.
They showed just how ugly and traumatizing SA can be. They made it messy and hard to swallow and showed the harm that can be caused when people do and say the wrong things to someone already in a self loathing shame spiral. And then we saw the difference love and support can mean for someone struggling with misdirected self blame. So well done to the script and epic acting in delivering a truly devastating story.
Also, very much appreciated the flash to Akin being drunk and Jin caring for him. Being drunk isn't a crime and I am glad to see that reflected in the inclusion of that clip.
Editing to add that the apology wasn't perfect for me (and I said as much in this post), but I do feel it was perfect for the characters, their relationship and this story.
If you made it to the end of this, welcome to my head. 🤣 Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk!
Here's Kat's excellent post if you haven't seen it already:
💬 6 🔁 31 ❤️ 113 · a Kat 🐈 rambles post
I apparently have a lot to say about Top Form, but in respect for the limited time I have, I'm her
two underappreciated parts of top form: boom’s physical acting and smart’s acting through different tones of voice. the way boom moves his body in breakdown scenes is so authentic and not at all awkward and i can tell exactly what jin is feeling by the way smart delivers his lines and the shade of voice he uses in different situations. these two are so good at what they do and i hope they get plenty of opportunities to display their skills further!
Please tell me Im not the only one who LOVES Jin and Akin's dynamics. Akin is a cat, cool and independet; Jin is such a golden retriver, goofy and cute as hell but the moment it comes to sex...damn Jin turns into a literal dom.
