do you ever dread something happening, just a little bit, but every single day, so that it kind of builds up into some fun background dread you can’t remember not having?
and it’s simultaneously unlikely enough that it will happen that you can brush it off, but also you can’t even fathom what you would do if it really happened?
well anyway i have Covid now, so i guess it’s time to do some fathoming!
u ever just have. a huge existential crisis. and suddenly just feel so nihilistic but not happy abt it. bc the past couple weeks i’ve been having the biggest existential crisis ever like does anything even mean anything we just exist and don’t know if we have any inherent purpose and either we do or we don’t and i don’t know which is scarier. and then society is just out here being ✨Like That✨ and ??? there’s not even anything we can do ??? like not really, we can start things (like voting protesting etc) but we’ll never really get to see the fruits of our labour and fully live the life we’re working towards, we’re just in a transition period. like a placeholder. and i’m like holy moly i’m just one tiny human in a humongous world with an even bigger history and. the fact that we even exist at all ?? that anything exists ?? makes no sense ?? but then if nothing existed then NOTHING existed like NOTHING and i can’t even wrap my head around that concept ??? i’m ??? we literally don’t even know anything like even science is just a lot of guesses where we have a less than 5% chance of being wrong. like. idek im kinda spiralling ahaha✌️✨ imma go try and reality shift to the mysme universe so zen can give me a hug bc god damn it nothing makes any sense, who’s to say i can’t shift realities like 🥺💀 ok love u goodnight ❤️
Yeah. I have these feelings often and it's really hard to chat that when you're dealing with not only depression but the kick from the seasonal depression. Late at night when these thoughts do kick in, you need to head to sleep and try to disregard the thoughts of dread. Easier said than done but fighting ill feelings and your own unease is better in the long run than sitting there feeling like you're drowning.
You need mindful hobbies. You need things to do to fill the empty time. Reading. Drawing. Writing. It doesn't matter. Find that and do it. Make no room for dread to bubble up and when it does, focus hard on trying to push past it so you can exist without dread as you are meant to.
Take this from someone who has been trapped in her home for years due to her health and all the time in the world to feel angry, upset, nihilistic, and scared. These types of thoughts are hard to beat but you can beat them back by believing in yourself and trying to look for positives. Even in a pool of negative, there is good news out there somewhere that is very imporant.
You're one person, yes, but one person can be the entire world to another, so on and so forth. You shouldn't have to do something "amazing" or "impactful" to feel like you matter or like you are contributing to society. If society doesn't take care of you then the society should be broken down and dismantled.
If all else fails, it's not never a bad idea to cope with fiction. That's a life saver.
A/N: oof where did my motivation go? also, there may or may not be foreshadowing in this chapter
Tropes/Pairings: Analogical, background Royality, hero x villain, soulmates AU (the one where if you draw on yourself, it shows up on your soulmate’s skin), and superpowers
Summary: Corbin informs Virgil of the new conspiracy theories surrounding Anxiety and Logic, and Virgil has to face the consequences the next day. Fortunately, the next day isn’t a field day. Unfortunately, he still has to face the agency bully and his assistant.
TW: This one guy who’s pretty much a stereotypical school bully, a fight, dread, a ““dark side”” but this is a human!au
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8
Virgil sleepily stumbled into the kitchen the next day. After the fight with the A-team and Logan’s announcement, he had collapsed in exhaustion as soon as he caught sight of his bed. He had slept peacefully, for the first time in a long while.
“Hey, kiddo,” Patton greeted Virgil as he cooked some pancakes.
Virgil slowly made himself some coffee and become aware than your average zombie. As he nursed a cup of warm coffee, he cherished his day off, though off days were usually after a tough battle. After a long sip of caffeine, Virgil replied, “Hey, Pat.”
Patton flipped a pancake sloppily. “You have a day off?”
“Yeah, you?” Virgil nonchalantly took another swig.
“Yep!” Patton chirped. “I’m going to spend the day with Daphne.”
Virgil squinted in thought. “Isn’t she that crazy woman you met at the library?”
“Kiddo,” the elder scolded, setting the pancake onto a plate before turning to look disapprovingly at Virgil. “She isn’t crazy. Far from it! She’s a genius! She showed me this really good book!”
Virgil nodded slowly. “That sounds fake but okay.” He drank some more coffee. He casually turned his phone on to check Tumblr, but he was bombarded with a bunch of texts from Corbin.
Corbin: THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Corbin: CODE ORANGE!
Corbin sent a link.
Corbin: COME OVER TO THE St. CLAUDIA PARK!
Corbin: Pick up!!
Corbin: Look at the news!!!
Corbin: Did you see the news?!
“What the heck?” Virgil wondered aloud. To start, Code Orange, if he remembered correctly, was a scandal or an information leak of some sort. He quickly typed in the password to his phone and pressed the link Corbin had sent him.
Logic and Anxiety: Dating Confirmed?!
The picture below it was a slightly blurry photo of Virgil and Logan making out the day before.
Virgil’s face was drained of blood. There. He was done. His hero reputation was ruined by this scandal. A hero soul mates with a villain? He was surely going to be treated as a traitor within his agency. And outside his agency, things would be worse. People would shoot him dirty looks in the streets and outright harass him. He was ruined, like how Hamilton when he had published the Reynolds Pamphlet.
How would Virgil pay his bills if he wasn’t a hero? He supposed he could get a different job, but he had dropped out of college to become a full time hero. Virgil would have to freeload off of Patton, but he didn’t want to strain Patton’s finances, especially if Patton suffers the consequences of the scandal, too. Patton had a higher position in the agency, if Patton’s bank account was anything to go by.
And L? Villainy was his job, it was how he kept food on the table. He would get treated as a traitor, too. His own friends would probably turn their backs to him.
Virgil scrolled through the news, heart sinking when he realized that the pictures were all over the news. On social media, both villain and hero agencies worked hard to get them off the Internet or to loudly dismiss it as photoshop. Half other people on the Internet thought it was just as “fake” as the proofs of Anxiety and Logic being soul mates.
Corbin: When are you going to get your BUTT over to St. Claudia’s Park?! I’m freezing! And I know you’ve read my texts!
Corbin. Could Corbin fix it? Virgil hoped so. Corbin could fix a lot of things. Corbin fixed his cracked pot once, and Virgil still had no idea how.
Corbin: Virgil! Don’t ignore me!
On second thought, maybe Corbin couldn’t fix his way out of a paper bag, but he could sure as heck order others to. Virgil slipped his phone into his pocket and flew out the door to go to the park.
Reluctantly, Virgil went to work the next day with a pit in his stomach. Some other superheroes shot him murderous glances and others shot him pitying ones. It was a paperwork day, not one in the field, to which Virgil was thankful for. He didn’t think he could handle all of the taunts of villains and the heavy suspicion citizens. He worked quietly at his desk, thanking the universe that he had a private office. His assistant, Imani, typed furiously in a separate desk a few feet away from him. Imani sniffled as she filled out the forms. For the sake of not having awkward silence, Virgil played some classical music from his computer.
“So,” Virgil said, breaking the silence for first time in the hour they had been working silently. He drummed his fingers on the wooden desk, trying to manage a way to get words past his lips without sounding like a fool. “Have you, uh, seen the news recently?”
Imani looked up but kept typing. “Yes, I have!” she said in her British accent. She grinned. “I read the article on the dog and the rabbit becoming friends!”
Virgil stared at Imani in disbelief. “…So you don’t know about the Code Orange?”
Imani’s grin wavered and her eyes seemed lifeless for once. “I do know about that.” She stopped typing. Her smile dropped. “Is it true?”
Virgil ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah,” he sighed.
“Goodness!” she gasped. Imani stood up and slammed her hands onto her desk. “How could you do that? Logic? I didn’t believe all those rumors, but this…this…”
Virgil sank further into his chair and hid his face in his sweater. “I-I-I’m sorry…”
Imani teared up and sniffled. “I’m afraid ‘sorry’ doesn’t cut it. Logic almost put my family business out of business!”
Virgil squinted and wondered if this was going where he thought it was going. “…What’s your family business?” he asked hesitantly.
“Family Hashen Bakery,” Imani sniveled. Virgil handed her a tissue, which she took gratefully. “We think someone broke into it sometime ago.” She aggressively blew her nose.
Virgil winced and guilt ate at his heavy heart. “Oh…”
After a few minutes of Virgil passing tissues to her, Imani calmed down a little with only some sniffles. “Virgil, I know you’re a good person, but Logic…Logic isn’t.”
“I know,” Virgil admitted. “I think the universe made a mistake.”
“Virgil, this is the plot of a million books,” Imani said as-a-matter-of-factly as she could when wiping tears from her face. “The universe doesn’t make mistakes.” She and Virgil solemnly locked eyes. “I hope that’s true.” Then she sat down and continued typing almost as if nothing had ever happened. Virgil stared at her, surprised to see how easily she had slipped back into work. After a few minutes, Virgil sat back down, too, and filled out more paperwork.
The two sat in tense silence, except for the music Virgil still played. He had turned it a little louder, to cut the tension. An hour later, Virgil stood up. “I’m going to take a break,” Virgil muttered at Imani. He watched her for a reaction, permission, something.
She looked up. “Then take one,” she said professionally, almost coldly.
He shuddered at her warmthless voice and opened the door. The hallway was suddenly a lot more inviting than his office, and most other heroes didn’t give him any more trouble other than glares. He made his way to the first floor. He was almost at the vending machine to get his usual granola bar when he was stopped by a thick hand on his shoulder.
“Well, Anxiety, so good to see you,” a man boomed high above Virgil’s head.
Virgil silently cursed his luck. Why did it have to be Chad, of all people? He was very much a jerk, and he only got through the ranks of the agency because of nepotism. At least, that was what everyone thought. Virgil had seen Chad fight, and he was afraid of Chad. He was the stereotypical jock of the agency, which was saying a lot.
“Hi, Chad,” Virgil said. He tried to walk away, but Chad’s hand kept him firmly in place. He wondered why Chad of all people had to have super strength, but that’s how the universe went. Virgil had heard Chad’s soul mate’s power was to weaken others. Balance, Virgil supposed.
Chad’s grip on Virgil tightened, bringing Virgil out of thought. “I heard about the Code Orange,” he said. Some heroes started to take notice of the scrawny 21-year-old and the jacked 30 something by the vending machine.
Now, Virgil knew he was lucky to be at his polite, well-mannered agency, but that didn’t mean that fights between heroes still didn’t happen. He had heard about an argument that escalated into a full-on brawl, but the heroes had telekinesis and pyrokinesis, so naturally, the fight was destructive.
“I see,” Virgil said politely.
“Are you soul mates with Logic?”
Virgil winced at Chad’s fingernails digging into his shoulder, and he was sure that Chad was using his power. He needed to defuse the situation before it turned into a fight, but if he wanted to not cause a scene, he had to stall for time. He subtly started to adjust the gravity around them.
“What?” Virgil asked innocently. In his peripheral vision, he saw a figure in black and grey. He hoped that was who he thought it was. “Yeah, I thought it was obvious by now.” Virgil heard some dramatic gasps the shouts of his colleagues, and perhaps the exasperated sigh of some after Dot fainted. Again.
“You’re not going to betray the heroes for that scum, are you?” Chad spat.
“No,” Virgil said as calmly as he could. The black and grey outline started to come closer, and Virgil’s and Chad’s feet were almost off of the ground.
After that happened, Virgil would have the advantage. Chad would have to float aimlessly about. And if he wanted to go anywhere, let alone fight, he would have to push himself. Considering Chad’s power, that would be very destructive, and with all of the precious or dangerous items in the building, even Chad’s father wouldn’t be able to pay that amount of money. All of this banked on whether or not Chad could figure this out, and Chad wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box. That’s where they came in.
“No,” Virgil repeated a little louder. “Really the opposite!” With that, they shot off of the floor, and Virgil was once again thankful for the high ceilings and the interior balconies of other floors. Before Chad could do anything, Virgil wiggled out of his grasp and dropped himself off at the second floor.
“Hey!” Chad roared and tried to sprint after Virgil but he propelled himself upside down.
“Chad, don’t!” Elliot yelled from the ground.
Chad grumbled loudly, but he knew he couldn’t do anything. Elliot was 90% of Chad’s impulse control.
With light feet, Virgil sprinted down the halls into his office. He almost ran past his door. He quickly opened his office, shut the door behind him, and locked it with his keys. He trembled with nerves and panted from exhaustion.
Imani quickly sat up straight. “What happened?” she said, shocked.
“Everything,” Virgil gasped in between puffs. “But more precisely, Chad.”
Envy looked around the dark and dirty street around him. A few shady people milled about the place as Envy looked down at the piece of paper in his hand. He entered into Killer Koffee warily and looked around at the black sofas with suspiciously red splatters. “Hello,” he greeted the grumpy barista. He pretended to squint at the menu as if he wasn’t already instructed on what drink to get. “I would like a mocha with whip cream, extra sugar, and hold the milk.”
The barista raised an eyebrow. “Who is it for?”
Envy smiled. “Phthonus.”
“Well then,” the barista said, “right this way, sir.” She led him into the back of the store, where only employees could enter. The employee led the villain into a broom closet and shut the door behind Envy, almost nipping his heels.
“Code word?” a man chirped in a dreadfully cheerful manner. Envy could almost see the spy’s glasses highlighted in the dark closet and shivered. People like the spy in front of him always intimidated him.
“Confucius,” Envy answered. “Now, what’s the info?”
Ive had mild anxiety attacks in the semi-recent past and I've had borderline or mild (not sure which) panic attacks too, but last night...
Last night, from about 2 to 3 a.m., I straight up spiraled into the worst damn thing I've ever experienced. My RSD was set off, and i tried writing something out about rsd/adhd and saeyoung on my blog, just trying to calm down, distract/comfort myself a little, and i was actually getting sleepy near the end... and then it was hit again in a similar manner, my RSD came in again. And i just... i just lost control. Ive never had that before. Im usually good at being quiet when i cry, but no matter how hard i tried to control my breathing and crying, I was breathing so loud and i-- i was so scared that my mom would hear. Shes nice but. I didnt and still dont want her to know.
An hour. A damn hour. Struggling to breathe and stay quiet, tormenting myself with thoughts over and over and over i couldnt stop thinking that they hate me they hate me im sorry i didnt mean to im sorry please dont stop talking with me just because of that thing please dont leave me im so vacant over here. And dammit i needed- i needed physical comfort, any comfort actually, but i was just... literally grasping at air. Shaking and shaking and clawing at my arms and choking myself and nothing was working and i- i think im- i think im spiraling again ddammit. Not even an hour ago i realized i was still on edge. The... "trigger," although i feel bad labelling them like that- i encountered them, in a way, and the thoughts came back, and dammit my spanish class starts literally rigght now but im shaking and crying a little and i cant focus and i have to have my camera on and i dont want to tell him whats going on either cos he might tell my mom but im trying to make a good impression in that class so hes aware that im not lazy im just struggling with my adhd and-
And i dont need to - to rant abotu yet another idssue rn
[417]
TW: Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Dread
The medical term is trigger. That's the word they would use with you. Why do you think I use TW in my posts I feel like may need a warning on them? It's because people have different triggers that'd need to be labeled so they don't relive or feel very uncomfortable. Sometimes there is a reason for while things bother you, other times it can be a sign that it's been building up for a while. Take it from me here, I've had symptoms of anxiety from a very very young age. There were reasons for the fear and other times I couldn't discern what it was.
It helps to try not to rationalize in the moment, because when your brain is running a mile a minute and do you feel dread and unsure of yourself, you don't want to overextend your brain anymore. You want to focus on other methods to calm yourself down. There are these breathing exercises that work for some people, those things that help people cope with self-harm can also help you cope with panic attacks, there are countless things that you can do to combat it. It doesn't have to feel overwhelming. I know that it does, but you can work to push back. So, my best advice is to take a deep breath, count to ten, focus on that pattern and keep your cool. Easier said then done. It's easy to continue the thought and push push push but you need to slow it down as methodically as you can.
You don't need to prove anything to anyone. Just do your work and be mindful. Take your time and know that it will not spin out of your control in a matter of seconds. I do have to say that if you are consistently getting panic attacks, you need to talk to an adult or your doctor about getting help for this. I can guide you to helpful guides but I cannot make you do anything, and there are professionals who can help you work on this in a way that will work best for you.
And again. If you're 16 or older, you can talk to your doctor without a parent in the room. You can get help with anything without them around with ease. For now, breathing exercises. In on 1 and out on ten. Slowly. Rinse. Repeat. Clutch fabric if you need to but don't bite your lips or scratch yourself.
The only character that I am literally afraid of....no joke....is fucking 'Arch Angel Michael' from The Mandela Catalog...I had him as a Sleep Paralysis Demon while I was over seas in Mexico!!! He's the only character that fills me with so much dread that I start to actually have a breakdown and cry....I don't know why!!! I HATE HIMMMMM!!!! He still scares me to this day!
So long story short, I accidentally bumped into your Xisuma's headcanon and I fell in love with the whole universe you created because this is so cool and interesting!!!
If it is not a problem, I would like to ask a question/request. You mentioned that X tends to bend down so as not to scare anyone because of his height, even if it hurts his back by doing this, and you said "If he stands upright, you're fucked."
So, has it ever happened that Xisuma gets extremely angry and gets full 7'5"? If so, could you please tell us?!
I've been following this derp since season 4 and he is the one who has grown the most inside of me, so I love to read how fans portray him :D
(Oh, and sorry for my horrible grammar. English is not my first language and I’m not very confident in it)
Your grammar is actually quite good dont worry anon!! And its quite alright, I love anons!! I hope youll come around here more bout the au or just to chat!! My first language is english and I still suck at it so no worries :]
~
Ill give you a small snippet of what happens as I have. A lot of drafts-
TWs for the snippet - Dread, knife, fog, and blood (In writing form, just tagging to be safe!)
Snippet below the cut! :D
Fog flooded the area as if it were mere air as a cracking of glass could be heard, thudding footsteps rang out through out the area as the shadowy figure was backed into a wall, merely clutching onto the wound that licked a liquid that slipped past their thrown fingers.
A clank of metal rang out as a looming figure entered their pitiful view as a flash of metal gleaned in their hand as the echoing of their suit filled their ears, eyes unseen and yet glaring so deeply into their poor soul they felt as if they were being dragged into a ocean.
