So like, I've been feeling a bit off emotionally lately and I know, this happens to everyone and we all have problems with our family. The thing is though I've been thinking and I never actually realized how many of my problems come with being a young carer. Or more specifically the situation that creates. (Disclaimer this is just my personal experiences as a carer in a UK city. I'm not claiming it's like this everywhere but hey, for all I know it might be.) ((This got quite long, just a heads up))
For anyone who doesn't know, a young carer is, as the name suggests, a young person who cares for someone - usually a family member such as a parent sibling or someone else close to them. This person does not have to be related, does not have to live in the same house, you do not have to be the only person looking after this person to be classed as a carer and whether or not you're a carer now, that can change with time. (There is, I'm sure, a difference between caring for someone often and when someone has, a cold for example, but I'm not an expert and I'm not gonna say who is and isn't a carer.) What I will say though is wow people do not talk about this do they?
For example: did you know that it's estimated 1 in 10 people in the uk are carers? And that the most common statistic used suggests that well over 700,000 of these carers are young people? And I don't mean young adults because that's a whole other group, I mean ages 5-21.
Now that we have the background, here's my actual post.
Hi! I'm a young carer from the uk! I'm one of the very lucky ones! I only had to miss school once or twice, I only really started doing a lot of caring when I was about 12 and I had other people who helped with the caring. That last one is the big one for me for the following reason.
I never considered myself a carer. It was only when my older sister started going to our local group when I was 14 that I had even heard the term. "I'm not a carer! I've seen them on TV, that's kids whose parents can't leave the house and need 24/7 care!". Now I'm not saying this doesn't happen, it's just the same as most things on TV, the extreme version. I eventually went along to this group and ho boy! The things I learned there!
Caring does not have to be physical. It can be anything from helping someone bathe and dress, to making sure they take their meds, making sure they get to work or school on time or just caring for someone emotionally.
Caring for someone emotionally can often be the hardest part. Looking after someone so close to you and helping them through everything can cause a huge drain on your own energy.
Sometimes, you're caring and you don't even know it. I didn't realise until my late teens that not evey child has to push the trolley for their disabled parent and not everyone has to do all the (literal) heavy lifting because no one else physically can. Not everyone spends their lunch times with only their sister to make sure she leaves the house this week.
That some people might think badly of having to do the above. Because (and this is technically point 5) yes it is 100% ok to resent the situation of being a young carer. It is 100% ok to wish you weren't. But I haven't met a single person who wouldn't do it gladly or who would blame anything about it on the person they care for. The blame is always on a lack of support. (We'll get to that, that's the point I'm making)
That your caring situation can change. Sometimes people, or the situation get better or worse. Sometimes people move in and out of the situation entirely.
Having a support structure is key and can flip your entire life. I personally went to the local Young Carers group. I'm assuming each one is different but in mine we had;
Weekly meetings to chill, go out for food, do fun stuff you might not get a chance for otherwise and have two hours a week with other kids who understand your situation, without having to worry about home life. You could show up and leave whenever you liked no pressure.
Respite. Overnight trips out of the city to experience things you might not usually get. These could range from outdoor activities to spa weekends to a whole week out at sea.
A forum group. Led by the young people, to talk about things from what we want more in weekly groups to putting together speeches we give at parliament.
A support worker who you could talk to 1 on 1 about anything at all. They help with school life and talking to teachers when needed, getting a job, getting into uni, getting professional help with anything needed from mental health to financial support for just about anything. It's all 100% confidential and they do everything they can to help. When possible they will even offer to come along to things like first interviews or appointments and wait outside as moral support.
These are just the things off the top of my head, I'm sure I have loads more but I wasn't actually planning on writing this much!!
Back to the actual post! Most people, grow up, learn to do chores, complain about it and move out. Without other limitations (like money or controlling guardians to name a few) you can enjoy time out with friends, get all your school work done, get a part time job if you want and come home knowing you can rest. As a carer, if you have the time and opportunity to do that, you can spend up to your entire time thinking about what's happening at home. This isn't to say that every carer is always busy but it definitely happens. (I'm almost 19 and only just starting to look for a job because I literally didn't have the time. In a world where people start working at 16 and things like socialising and extracurriculars are so important, its pretty clear how this can be detrimental.) When all of that is done, there isn't a place to rest because home is where the rest of the work starts.
You can spend your entire childhood doing lots of the housework, cooking every meal, doing all the shopping, taking someone to appointments or just whenever they have somewhere to be. These things can add up. Sometimes its making sure they leave the house or take medication, and I've not even mentioned things like helping them get dressed, helping them bathe, making sure the bills are paid or, in some people's cases, acting like a literal parent for a sibling because no one else can. Being the only person who will listen to their physical and or mental issues. (And I would like to remind you here that the carers we are talking about are 5-21.)
When you do get time to yourself, often you just want to sit and do nothing (despite the fact that sometimes, you feel guilty for this.)
The problem is not just having to do all these things. The problem is not being able to talk about it. You can't talk to people in your house about your problems because you might be the one thing holding them together. You can't take a day off because everyone needs food and clean clothes and if you don't do it no one will. You can't talk to school friends about it because what if they don't understand or when you do the response is "oh well I make my own dinner as well it's not that bad". You can't tell any of this to the person you care for because what if they think you blame them? You have to think about whether or not you can go to college or move out because who is going to look after the people you love? And depending on the person or the task, you stop getting thanks, certain stuff is suddenly expected no matter what, and in some cases they might get angry at you for doing it (I know you don't want the curtains and window open but you haven't been outside in days). This is why I said I'm lucky. Not only did I have another person to split the work with, I also didn't start at an exceptionally young age.
Now this isn't meant to be a complaint about being a young carer. Many of the people I know have said it's made them even closer and I definitely agree!! This post is (yes we're finally at the point!! ADHD rambling over!) about the fact that we don't talk about it. I was a young carer to three people and I hadn't even heard of it? It was mentioned once in all my time at school on an A4 poster during carers week (the school didn't even realise one of their students was on the poster.) If I didn't have my group I likely would have dropped out of school, and become severely depressed. I would have missed out on so many different social and cultural activities, I wouldn't have a CV. And I have a relatively average caring job.
The thing is, they can only help so many people. Most young carers will have all these same issues at home, work, school and in their social life and they won't have any help at all. Even if there wasn't a limit on how many kids can join a project due to funds and resources, most young carers don't know about the help available.
Which is why we need to start talking about this more. We need to make it so carers aren't ashamed to tell people. So help is easier to come by and we won't miss out on basic childhood necessities. Because if the majority of carers still struggle a lot with support, we need to ask what's happening to the kids without it.
How can we do this you ask? Simple! Look into local Young Carers groups! Some accept donations (both money and things like books or toys) some do fundraising, just get involved! Check your local education places and youth centres! See if they can raise awareness with posters, talks, including it in lessons. If you don't have a local young carers group, find out why! It might be a lack of funding. Going to local councils and expressing the need for more education and funding can be very helpful when coming from these groups so imagine if other people were to help!
There are over 29,000 young carers in my country. (I'm also not even sure if this statistic includes anyone over 16). The carers projects only manage to help around 2400. That's a lot of children who need help. And a lot of people who need to start talking about it.
