A Southern Trans Woman

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Portland

Well it took me several tries over a decade of my life but I finally moved from Charleston, South Carolina for over a year and was successful at doing so. I set forth on a journey in May of 2018 to develop my career as an adult entertainer. The focus was to become a professional FemDom and Porn-Star. Both of those have been achieved. 

I thought I was going to find a bunch of communities that I was going to so easily connect with. The first community I found was a group of pro FemDoms. I realized that I actually was a lot further along as a professional than I had previously thought, while comparing myself against the cisgender femmes. I was the only trans profemdom that I’ve seen in Portland while I have been here. 

I tried connecting with queer culture but I realized that I am not like the queers that are here. I am independent, southern, head strong and willing to stand on my own. When I say they came for a bitch, let me tell you it was a classic tranny killing. Drag the bitch behind the truck with a rope around her neck. Queers love to kill their own kind too. Never forget that. They did everything in their power to twist my words, negate my experience, and inform me what a backwoods ignorant sexist racist I really am. 

It’s been very isolating since all of this transpired and in a few weeks I will be moving to Texas. Many great things have come from my endeavor to develop a life outside of South Carolina. Portland has changed my relation to gender. It would appear that it is a never ending unfolding flower. The mystery continues to be revealed. 

I have now made a name for myself as an adult entertainer. I was just put as the cover girl in Grooby Girls calendar for 2020. Ive attended FemDom conferences, The Transgender Erotica Awards in LA (where I was nominated for three awards), and toured numerous cities across the US and even London. 

Things did not happen how I had wanted to personally for myself. Professionally I couldn’t have asked for a better experience! The fact is though, that at this age, having a major social life isn’t really that big of a deal. Watching my career take off, getting to see the world, and living on my own accord are far more filling than a group of people. The independence that I experience today would be entirely perplexing to me years ago. I trust in myself more than anything and it is only in trusting others that I am led astray. They lack vision for my life as they are not the ones driving it. It’s so nice to finally be behind the wheel of my own destiny driving down the roads that will lead me to where I am going. I hope that all of us will find such security and trust within ourselves. I never imagined something like this was ever possible for someone like me. 

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Gave Up On Love So I Could Live 

I know how cliche it sounds but I really was living for love. I had achieved my two previous life goals of being at harmony with myself and being financially independent. My last challenge to achieve was to know what sharing love with another was like. That was the only one that I was powerless to control. 

I would fantasize about sharing my life with a male endlessly. I always placed myself in relation to what a male was doing. It was a sickness of the mind brought about by societal conditioning that made me believe that this was how I was to relate to men, the world, and love. 

For years I tried dating like anyone else would. Time and time again, guys would say exactly what I wanted to hear and they would be out the door before the last drop of cum dumped on top of me. I wound up with such emptiness and despair that I would only ever be a cumdumpster for males. 

I set forth to Portland to develop my career as an adult entertainer and have done just that. This week I made the front cover of Grooby Girl’s 2020 calendar! I fell into my work and into Kendall Penny. In doing so, I fell out of myself more and more as the days progressed. 

Through my work I have been able to see men in a different light than ever before. Now that I am not at their mercy for anything, but rather they are mine, the tides have turned. Very few of them captivate my attention to want to spend anymore time with them outside of a sexual engagement. 

I have subscribed to the notion that transcendent beings such as myself are not afforded certain human luxuries such as love, however we also reap rewards unseen or known to the common folk. May we all capitalize off of our imprisoned realities. 

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To My Platonic Partner Who Vanished Out of My Life In One Day

I didn’t anticipate never talking to you again. I didn’t see this coming in any way shape or form. It felt like being side swiped and then trying to find all the pieces of myself. We spent 5 years sharing space and time with one another more intimately with one another than with anyone else. And then one day, you were totally gone without any warning. Oh, the things that we did together, the places that we went, and the countless adventures, trials and tribulations that we shared.

Never have I had such a relation with another human as I did with you. No one knew and accepted me more than the way you did. Or so I thought. When you decided I was no longer going to be a part of your life, I couldn’t even reconcile it because it seemed so out of the blue.

We had never really had a fight before. It was our first one. I suppose you are a one and done type? I still try to make sense of it… like were you wanting out secretly and this was the excuse to make your move? It felt horrible to have spent so much time with another human to be left alone with no explanation. I guess that’s what it feels like to be abandoned.

I understand why people break up in a different ways. For me, I would have wanted to feel the pain and discomfort in a space where we could talk about everything together. To me, our relationship was the most valuable and deserved that type of respect and attention. I wish I knew how you had really felt. To give space to hear how I had let you down. The unknowing is so very challenging.

I treasure the time that I was able to spend with you. I learned such a great deal from you babe. You held me accountable and challenged me. You held me when I was weak and trembling. We frolicked together at conferences and conventions, clubs, Prides, and even drove across the open American road.  Talked endlessly about our sexual escapades and our challenges with finding any place to really call home. We had found home within one another until we didn't. 

All paths diverge or dissipate at some point. I will always look back at what I shared with you as one of the most fundamental relationships of my life. I loved you from the moment I met you and I will long after the day you left. 

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Sharing Space. Sharing Love. 

The tides from darkness to light shift with varying time. Surviving a Portland winter is no easy task. It wasn’t until I went home for the holidays that I realized I was depressed. I couldn’t get excited about very much. Just had this empathetic relation to most things.

Upon return to the land of the dark cold wet I shimmied my way back into my depressed cocoon. There it held me in discontent, uncertainty, with little to look forward to. I made a post on Fetlife on the prowl for a submissive to share myself with. Out of the many, one caught my attention. I shall refer to him as my Emo.

We began to attend local events together and I was enjoying space with him. One night we went to go see live music and we both fell in love with this band called The Swan Thief. Now this man is a submissive but I am not naive. I may hold control and power but he also does in the same right. He began to pry me open with his tender, caring, and undivided attention. Things started to become mushy between us and I was losing control over my emotions.

You see I am not accustomed to not being objectified as a trans person. Those who seek me do so for that specific reason. Not because of anything personal to who I am as an individual, or human. He began to use words that make my skin crawl, shift my brain into denial, and cause a state of disbelief. Males use words to extract what they want from me. He was simply offering words of intention simply to do so without ulterior motives.

When we met we both said that we wanted to be in a poly relation. I think like most things in life, it’s easier said than done. Currently we are in an open relationship. I am a sex worker who has sex with people through out the week with no emotional investment. He is in two other intimate relations with AMAB (assigned male at birth) people but who are also femmes. He is a lover. A man who sees those who have been discarded by society but those who can be present, authentic, caring, kind, and playful. He is giving love to those who truly deserve it where so many other masculine people refuse to do so. 

Last night we talked about jealousy and how that is currently impacting us. He was worried that I was feeling jealous as he is getting ready to move in with the partner he has been with the longest. I care far too much for my fellow AMAB femmes to selfishly want to deny them the affection, adoration, and love that they deserve. They are me. I am them. We are one in the same.

To my fellow lovers of Mr. Emo…. I have never been in this type of a space before. I know how happy he makes me. I hope that he too brings you as much joy, excitement, struggle, intimacy, and love as he is doing for me. I haven’t ever held someone so intently as I do him. Do you notice how he curls up in your chest like a little baby does it’s mother? How it seems like all eternity could go by and just holding each other would be enough to finish out the lasting amount of time?

I am uncertain of the emotional challenges that will be set forth from this type of a relationship but I am so happy that we are willing and able to engage in relations that spread and disperse love amongst those that are so very deserving of it. I love each one of you and hope that all of our lives are richer for having done so.

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Last Day of a Decade

   Today is the last day of my twenties.  I feel disillusioned in how to grasp what this decade has been. How many different people have I been within this period of time? So much of this decade has been something that I deliberately tried to blur my consciousness from.  I wonder if as life continues if it will slowly reveal itself back to me.

   The first four to five years of the decade were filled with working in F&B, managing to get a college degree in Anthropology, and partying as though it were a part-time job. If I wasn’t high or drunk I was thinking about the next time I could be. It was a real-life experience of being dazed and confused.  A constant seek for instant gratification to remove myself from the gnawing experience of incessant discontent. A disheartened search for self while blinding my sight, deafening my ability to listen and hear, and intoxicating my system. There’s no wonder I couldn’t get a grasp on things when I treated myself without an ounce of self-love or respect. Meanwhile cursing the world for not doing anything differently but not being able to accept the love even when it was given. That was hell.

   Twenty-five marked not only the middle of the decade but also the moment that one life died and a new one was offered. When I woke from the suicide attempt there lay the keys to my shackles. I unlocked the tight grip that had been increasingly suffocating me. I let go of it all. I had been carrying it for far too long and it no longer was my burden to carry. I simply put it down and began to walk away regardless of the social consequences. There’s nothing more that I could lose that I hadn’t already lost. I had almost lost my chance at this life. Nothing else held higher precedence or importance to that anymore. I gave up living for you, for them, and society. I hope that we can all come to that understanding before our time is gone.

   The last five years have been such an adventure. I used to seek in the external world for all of life’s excitement. I had no idea how much could be discovered if I just turned my direction inward. I flow with the stream today. I continue to learn what it means to love myself before anything else. That requires a devotion above everything else.  I have learned how to trust myself even when others are directing me elsewhere and sending me on a course of their expectations for me. I can no longer afford to walk that path for you and I hope that you can come to respect that.

   I may not have the answer or understanding for everything that goes on but I am not bewildered or in a fog about my reality any longer. I am aware of the decisions I make and have the ability to choose them. Before things were just an impulsive gut reaction to stimuli. I suppose that’s a part of maturity. I look forward to what will be in this next decade.

    I feel the freedom of possibility that’s never been before. I am becoming established in who I am, confident and proud of the work I am creating, and truthful and authentic in the relations that I have. This surely is a foundation that I didn’t have ten years ago. I hope you too will struggle as much as you need to until you find whatever it is that you need. Just remember to breathe.

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Until Next Time

Dearest Charleston,

 Oh, what a journey this has been. Our relationship has changed just like the tide. In the beginning, we got along so well with one another. Life was joyous, free, & unscarred. Do you remember those times? It seemed so effortless for us. I got to run through your woods, crab off your docks, have pluff mud fights, boat through your creeks and rivers, have cookouts during the lightning bug lit summer nights. Those are probably my favorite memories. Thank you so much for them.

 Around 8 years old it was becoming obvious that I wasn’t going to masculinize and fit into the social structure that had been so masterfully constructed. Ugh, I just wanted to fit into it so bad. I lamented my difference, as I knew it was only going to create isolation, hatred, and violence. I wanted to be the best Christian southern republican hetero male that you wanted me to be. Gosh, you wanted me to be that so bad and so did I.

 Addiction became my way to exist within you for a long time. I could remove myself from the emotional, mental, and spiritual pain and confusion that I was experiencing daily. We were so confused. I was so very uncertain of myself. I began to blame you for everything. It ended up disempowering me because it made me a victim. I believed I had no control over my reality. Took me so many years to be able to see clearly enough through all the fog.

 A shift occurred within me and our relationship began to morph as well. I quit asking for your permission, acceptance, and validation. At first, we both had no idea how that was gonna turn out. Damn, those were some scary days. That was like unheard of here! What were we thinking? That was like social suicide! Ironically, that was just what needed to happen.

 You began to hold me, carry me, support me, and love me. I couldn’t believe it! It went against everything I had been told and thought. It’s been many years now and goodness, look at all that we have done since then. We’ve carved out a space that I always felt was never supposed to be mine. You have some absolutely incredible people that you’ve introduced me to. Given me so many opportunities that I never could have dreamed of.

 Hun, it has been an incredible run. I couldn’t have imagined a day when I didn’t hold resentment towards you yet here it is. You are my home. Because of you, I have become the person that I am today and it wouldn’t have been had it not been for you. It’s time to set sail as I feel its necessary for me to continuing growing and learning. I am so glad that we came to better understand and love one another. You’re my oldest friend and you’ve been there no matter where I’ve been. The nights to come when I feel alone and uncertain I will call to you and smile for everything that you have given me. I love you, Charleston. So deeply.

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Shattering the Conditioned

In a capitalistic society, we are conditioned to believe that our dreams, value, and success are on reproduction, wealth accumulation and being a worker. Is that what this life is? Have we actually sat down and weighed out all of the options of possibility? It feels to me that I am expected to be yet another nameless cog in the machine, that of which will only serve to benefit more production and consumption.

I understand that we live within the confines of our experience and ability. We must provide for ourselves to the best of our capability. I just am not sold on the idea that my life should be spent working in the conventional sense. I want my life to be about exploration, play, questioning the status quo, breaking conditioning, self-introspection, inspiration, meaningful relationships, frolicking, investigating what love really is, moving through discomfort, pushing through, sensation, creativity, traveling in the internal and external planes of existence and many other unknowns.

It saddens me to see how restricted we are while believing that we live free people. How so many of us have never challenged our conditioned states and how that contributes to the limitation we all experience. If we do not shatter the foundations that we were taught and construct something of our own accord, have we ever really become ourselves? Are we not just regurgitating what was once fed to us? The further I get from the childhood dreams of my past, the more expansive and limitless my options in this life become.

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Four Years

Yesterday was my four-year anniversary without using mind-altering substances and the day I mark as when I began to transition from the life I believed you wanted me to live, to the one that I had to carve out on my own accord. In recovery programs, we have a tradition of lighting a candle when someone celebrates a “birthday” (the marker in time that person got sober). Talking with gay hubby brought new light to the occasion, as it usually does including him in things. He mentioned that I stop to think about the ones who will no longer have a chance of having a candle lit for them. The acquaintances, friends, and family that have died due to this disease. 

I first began seeing people die from intoxicated related deaths while in high school and it has only progressed since then. Some were from drunk driving where kids smashed into oncoming cars or trees. Others were from the insanity that strikes some people when they ingest alcohol. Some people (myself included) become so depressed from it that they feel compelled to kill themselves. Others I remember dying because they were overdosing on heroin and left alone rather than being taken to a hospital. The person who left that guy those ten plus years ago just ended up overdosing as well. 

Within the last 1,460 days that I have decided I don’t want to take a drink or a drug in order to cope with life, I have seen many people come in and out of recovery. I am a firm believer that there is no right or wrong way to do any of this thing called life but so many will never get another chance. Many currently are struggling with living in between two worlds. One that they known and one that they are stricken by fear to engage with. Sometimes we chose the discomfort of the pain that we know rather than the unknown. 

I wish you could have known what it’s like to wake in the morning to love instead of fear. To feel what it’s like to trust yourself instead of always living with regret and doubt. Knowing that you are going to be ok and can walk through any situation with dignity and hope. To feel the natural pure highs this life offers to have the sun rays dance upon your skin, hearing the birds call sweetly in the morning, to the loving embrace that life gives us once we begin to invest in ourselves. I’m so sorry that you didn’t get the chance to know this. It truly breaks my heart because I never knew that this was a possible reality either. 

You see I was hopeless too for so long. I tried multiple times to give up. Living that way is a nightmare, something I don’t care to relive again. The ceaseless confusion, despair, hopelessness, pain, and suffering that addiction creates is something I wish for no one. It was a blessing that I was forced to transition and get sober simultaneously. For the first time, it made me to go inwards for the answers rather than always seeking for someone else to show me the way. I believe it to be my biggest strength as to why I am still standing and alive today.

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Being Intersex and Trans

It’s funny, how society still tries to make me fit into this idea of a binary system of gender, sex, and sexuality. The way people ask me about my life doesn’t allow me to explain my experience. It assumes that I once was on this side and then decided to change and be on the other side. It also groups three separate aspects of identity into one. That’s as crazy has having your height, age, and weight all grouped into the same thing on your driver’s license. So why are we grouping gender (a social construction), biological sex (a biological construction), and sexuality (who you like to sleep with) into one? Because we are ignorant. So, let’s change that.

 We have to come to accept that gender exists in a spectrum of possibility. I identify as and define being trans as limitless expansion. That’s my gender. Don’t like it? Then don’t be it. I’ve got it covered anyway. There’s an infinite amount of room to play and maneuver, rather than being fixed and limited by societal rules. I was effeminate from the get-go. Dad put me into Tai-Kwon-Do so that I might be able to protect myself from those that would want to do me harm. I tried my best to be the best little boy I could be. I wanted your approval so much, that it had higher precedence of that of my own. Unfortunately, no one was buying it. They harassed me because I was “gay.” You see though, they weren’t harassing me because of who I slept with, well because, I hadn’t even had sex yet! They were harassing me because of my gender not matching the body that they thought I had (cue light bulb moment).  At 21 I lived as a gender queer/androgynous individual. It was a blend of both masc and femme. At 25, I began to feminize my gender and let go of my fears and shame around it. The floodgates opened and I flowed into myself. Today, I am often gender policed by friends, family, and strangers who either praise me or ridicule me. Again, thanks but no thanks. I’d rather not be limited by gender and I will do as I please when I please.  Thank you so very much.

 So it’s assumed that I was male at birth. Wrong. I was intersex. I still am intersex.  I began modifying my biological sex to masculine while in high school. I had surgery in order to do so.  I began smoking to modify my voice because I thought that within time it would help to lower it. I still wasn’t biologically male. I had only masculinized myself. At the age 25, I began to feminize my body. I have had many procedures and take hormone replacement to feminize my body, but I am still intersex. For me personally, I was never biologically male and I will never be biologically female.  That’s never been a dream of mine.  It was yours.

 Ok, so now, sexuality. So I was a straight boy and I just knew it. I was gonna find me a wife, have her pump out some babies, have a career, with a home and do it all for Jesus. Well, damn. I guess Satan got the best of me. After years of denial, and practicing my own sexual conversion therapy, I conceded to being bi-sexual. Forcing myself to masturbate to the opposite of what I was attracted to just didn’t work. Maybe I should have tried harder! Identifying as bi-sexual lasted 6 months and then I identified as gay, which lasted 6 or so years. In that time, I had two boyfriends and at the end of both of those relationships, they both told me that I was a girl. One even dumped me for it. Mind you I haven’t gone “femme” yet. I was appalled by such blasphemous statements from those that said that they loved me! How dare they almost see me for who I was! Now I identify as heteroflexible. My sex and gender today, dance in the femmier areas of things. I am attracted to masculinity. I am open to males with dicks and vaginas. Genitals are not a limitation to me BUT gender and sex are. Genitals are not the only defining characteristic of sex. Unfortunately, I am limited sexually. I appreciate femininity but am only into masculinity in personality and body. You see, I am a third option in sex and gender. Currently, the language that we have prohibits from explaining all that exists. Trans and intersex people don’t fit so nicely into the binary model when our bodies, sex, and gender can all be three different things!

 We as humans are obsessed with modification. Just look at the things that we do to our bodies, self-expression, identities, to each other, other animals, nature and so on. Why do we draw a line of appropriateness around gender and sex modification? It’s time we put down our fear and invite the limitless expansion to come flood us with its infinite creativity and wisdom.  A bounty of love awaits us.

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And So I am Reminded

Yesterday I woke to read another story of a slain trans woman in the United States. Her name was Ally Standfield and the end of her life was mercilessly cruel. This year ties with 2016 for the highest homicide of trans people within the US. The President of the United States has issued orders to remove trans people from the service. Duval, real name Roland Powell, said that if he found out somebody was trans after having sex with them, he would kill them. For two years now, states have been trying to pass legislation to prevent trans students the same quality other students are afforded, such as using the bathrooms. The government only reinforces discrimination, bigotry, inequality, rape, and murder of the trans population by their actions. 

Today my life was threatened by someone who said they will burn me alive while my family watches. This comes only a day after making a post about how a fellow trans American was murdered brutally. Yesterday when I read the story I was reminded of my vulnerability. Today it has only been reaffirmed that people would be more than happy to kill me for sport. I am not immune. I detach myself from this reality so that I may walk freely living my life in love, not riddled with fear. These two days combined me that that in itself is a fantasy. 

If there comes a day when I am forced face to face with the darkest hatred in the world, may it be known that I have loved with all my might. I’ve entertained to put a smile on the faces of countless strangers. I have worked to educate my larger community on the vast expansiveness that gender and sexuality have to offer. I have removed my self-perpetuated suffering to live a life of recovery so that I may be of use within the time that I have been given here. But most of all I want it to be known that love overpowered my life that was consumed by fear and that it is possible for anyone. May we not blacken our hearts with the stains of resentment and anger but walk through to the other side. There is where we will find peace and freedom. 

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Midnight Tears

Every night after I’ve said my thanks for living another day sober, I pray for you. I can just look at the few photos that I have of you and be brought to tears. You changed my life by touching my heart with your love. When you left, I smelt the pillow you used until there was no more of you left.  

There hasn’t been a day that has gone by that I haven’t thought of you. Why can’t I move on? I don’t want to. We had just found one another. You said that we were so different. And yes, in many ways we were but we were compatible. Who I was then isn’t who I am now. Who I’ll be in five years isn’t the person that’s currently writing this. Love is growing with each other. 

I wanted so badly for you to be the person that I got to share myself with. I was so safe with you. Why did you have to leave me? I’m tired of doing this on my own. Sometimes I don’t want to always have to be a strong fighter. Sometimes I want to be vulnerable and I wanted to be that with you. Where ever you are I wish you the deepest happiness that this life can afford. 

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May Our Eyes Open and See

Awakening to a deeper understanding of things often comes without fair warning. I suppose that in some instances it is gradual, building over time, wearing away at the hardest conditioning. The stars had aligned in such a way that I could no longer turn a blind eye to my contribution to the animal agriculture and factory farming industries.

 The consumption of animal flesh and their secretions was the focal point of every dish I ate. Rarely was there a meal that I ate that was vegetarian and most certainly never vegan. I didn’t eat any raw foods until I turned 23 for heaven’s sake! I was not planning to go vegan. Three days prior I had gone to Costco and purchased 10 lbs. of organic meats.  Major shifts in my consciousness seemingly happen without my intent and I am along for the ride.

 I believe a multitude of things have aligned in order to create an environment for me to see how my own actions have horrid consequences for others. I watched What the Health, a documentary on Netflix, and it shifted my perspective immediately. I knew that if I didn’t hold myself accountable, I would “forget” like I have done many times before. I decided to live a vegan lifestyle in that very moment and watched a documentary on this topic every day for the following week so that I would not “forget.”  

 Day after day I witnessed what we do to billions of animals annually. The abuse, rape, maiming, dismembering, and killing of these animals occur in 95% of the meats that we consume, all done by factory farming. The surrounding environments around these farms and slaughterhouses contaminate the groundwater, release airborne illnesses into the air, decrease property value, and make humans sick; all the while these are low-income communities already facing huge disparities in economic equality. The number 1 contributor to global warming, that supersedes the burning of all fossil fuels, is animal agriculture. It is impossible for me to separate myself from this anymore. As I have been working to diminish my own self-created suffering, it is now extending outwards to other living beings. A spiritual awakening continues to deepen in my understanding to the interrelatedness of all things.

 By consuming animal flesh and their secretions I directly contribute to the suffering of animals, the suffering of humans, and destroying the environment. Those are not and never have been aligned with my desired contributions to this life. It is now time that my ethical ideals and actions align in harmony with one another.

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A Journey to Self Love

How does one encapsulate their entire experience of life onto a few written pages? I’m not sure that it is possible, but I am going to give it my best.  I was born in 1988 in the state of South Carolina. They deemed me male at birth and that was a mistake that would take me my entire life to reconcile.

 As a child, I was quite content with life and myself. I was caring, light-hearted, spirited, and loving. I was quite feminine naturally and my parents took notice of it. At the age of five, they put me into Tai-Kwon-Do in hopes that I would be able to learn to defend myself physically from those who might want to do me harm, due to my feminine nature.

 By the age of seven I was still sucking my thumb (my first addiction, one of many to come) and my parents made me an offer. They said that if I quit sucking my thumb they would buy me a Pocahontas Barbie doll! My father reconciled this by stating it was NOT a ‘real’ Barbie doll, but a Native American figurine.  You see by this time, most of my friends were girls. We always played with Barbies and I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t allowed to have one. You better believe that I quit sucking my thumb, and so that Pocahontas Barbie doll was mine.  It is important to note that before I even left my mother I was using external means (my thumb) to bring about internal peace. This is a behavior that I’ve carried ever since.  

 By the age of eight I realized that the way I behaved was contrary to what others expected of me.  So embarked my journey on how to become a boy. By middle school I was completely isolated from the male population. I tried to imitate the behaviors of males but to no avail. No one was buying my act and I’m not sure I did either.

 I began to struggle, as I could not harmonize my religious beliefs with my growing sexual desire for males. I tried to throw myself deeper in to my faith in desperation that if I just loved God hard enough my profane desires might be alleviated. My teen years were filled with hazing, isolation, self-hatred, confusion, and so on. Spring break my junior year in high school I finally agreed to try marijuana. It was magically incredible and I was temporarily relieved of my suffering. Within a couple of weeks I began using cocaine and then alcohol. So began my decade of using mind-altering chemicals in order to avoid and alleviate suffering.

 Puberty came late and so did the most unexpected. I had been waiting with such hopes that puberty would save me. My body would masculinize so that I could finally fit into this binary system of sex and gender. That was not what happened. I began to develop fat tissue in my chest. As my nipples protruded a pain began to develop. As the months continue so did the pain. After a year plus it was unbearable. I used to walk down the halls of school pulling at the bottom of my shirt so that no one would see the development of my breasts. I had to walk down stairs so cautiously because it hurt unbearably. One day I pushed back on my chest and much to my surprise a liquid substance secreted from my nipples. Thus began the draining of my breasts. The pain became greater than my shame and I finally told my mother.

 My senior year of high school, I under went liposuction surgery and removed all of the breast tissue in order to make my body resemble male. I am an intersex person but I didn’t even know what that was at this time. I wanted so badly to be “normal.” I didn’t realize what a mistake of understanding that was. I was normal. I was intersex. Intersex people are normal and are naturally occurring with biology. I eradicated my experience and natural state. If only I had had the understanding of loving myself for myself rather than what I believed others wanted me to be. Now I see that I dismembered my body due to fear and the hopes of acceptance of others rather than my own.

 I’ve always had this skewed idea that this next thing is what will bring about peace. I went to college and thought education would save me. I then graduated and traveled Europe. I thought traveling would save me. I went to California and thought being in the LGBT community of San Francisco would save me. I worked on a hippie farm on Mount Madonna and thought that I could find myself under the tit of a goat and chasing chickens. Since that didn’t work I decided to go live in a hippie commune of two hundred plus people in the forest of Guatemala! That surely should do it. Nope. So on to Santiago, Chile to teach English I went. That wasn’t as successful as I had hoped either.

 My life began to unravel in 2012 and I could no longer keep up my appearances. I became fragmented in mind, body, and sprit. My addiction to crack and alcohol had consumed me and I was the hostage. Something came to me in my crack and alcohol induced narcosis and revealed to me that in order to ever find peace I was going to have to transition. My pain was so grave that I tried to take my life for a third time to get away from the suffering.  I was clearly unsuccessful as I suck at killing myself. I ended up going to rehab and began my transition to female.

 My sobriety date is October 25, 2013. Within this time I have done many things such as; work on a leadership board of a non-profit directly giving aid and financial grants to transgender citizens in the state of South Carolina. I’ve held a few jobs but mostly being employed within the sex industry. You see internationally the sex industry is the #1 employer of transgender people, as many places will not higher us knowingly.

 I got lost. Fell off the path and so found myself again using external factors to create internal peace. I stayed sober from mind-altering drugs but found other ways to get high. I bathed in the attention of males and their attraction to my body. I felt validated in the way I had always craved. I gave my power away and became dependent on their attention and validation.

 In January 2017 love found me most unexpectedly. I met with this guy who said that we was looking for a Domme trans woman and I said that I was looking for a versatile submissive male. At the time we had no idea that we weren’t really looking for that at all. He peered straight through all of my masks. There was no deceiving him. He saw my pain and instead of running in the opposite direction he held it. This changed everything for me. I no longer had to carry it all on my own. So I met again since I was a child, what it meant to be vulnerable. Having this man love me showed me all the ways that I still came up short in loving myself.

 After he left and returned to his country I was at such a loss. I no longer had the attention of males and no longer had his love by my side. After tasting love I no longer wanted the instant gratification of male sexual attention. I was stuck with the wreckage I had caused. Again pain became to great to bare and so I cracked into fragmented parts of myself, daily for a couple of weeks. Like in 2013, I was able to construct something entirely new from the destruction of my own creation.

 I now have a daily devotion to a daily reflection, sending inspiration to over fifty people daily, practice guided and silent mediation daily, practice yoga a couple times a week, attend recovery meetings weekly, focus on a healthy and nourishing diet daily, and aid those that are suffering when presented. I am finally able to see that craving has been at the root of my suffering in life. Unless I work to remove it through compassion and love it will continue to limit my fullest potential within this life.

 “Happiness exists in action, in telling our truth, and in giving away what we want the most.” ~ Eve Ensler

 “If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.” ~ Lao Tzu

 “You only lose what you cling to.” “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” ~ Buddha

[tbelle2772-blog]

Your Stone

It hung around your neck on a piece of leather that you wore as a choker . I would periodically play with it feeling its smooth side brushing against the surface of my fingers. I asked you where you had gotten it from as we laid on the carpet next to one another. You told me that you had found this stone while you were camping on a glacier in Iceland. You told me that it had traveled all over the world with you. You carried it with you so that you would always have a piece of home with you no matter where you went. You then said that meeting me has given you an entirely new sense of home. You said that you didn’t need it anymore and that you would like me to hold on to it. I was completely stunned. Bewildered. In absolute awe of what you had said. I believe that I hit you and told you that you can’t say things like that to people. We held each other while gazing in one another’s eyes as the tears rolled down our faces. Our tear lubricated lips sealed the love that was growing between us. I told my mother this story. She scraped up broken gold from around the house and gave to me to make into a pendent. I will wear this necklace around me as my full commitment to you. You’re showing me a type of love I have never known before. I do love you so Atli.

xXx

[tbelle2772-blog]

I Didn’t See You Coming

I was doing perfectly fine hiding within the safety of a BDSM lifestyle until you came along. 

You see life has not been gentle for me. Ironically I was born as such a gentle creature. For so much of life I did not have a say in what I wanted. I did what I thought was expected and desired of me for the happiness of others. I sold myself cheaply in hopes of having a moments peace from loneliness.

They wanted me. My body. To use as their object of lust. But that’s all. Nothing more. I was something that would bring shame to them if people were to find out that we had engaged with one another. You see most of my life has been in secrecy. In the dark dank corners of society. I stumbled to grasp to something. I was preyed on and was such an easy target. I wanted to be loved so badly that I was willing to do anything that the counterpart wanted in order to have some feeling that I thought resembled love.

BDSM finally gave me power where I hadn’t known any before. It was my time. I was to be Queen and to rule. This was now my domain and if you were to be a part of it you were to submit to all of my wishes and desires. You were to tell me your boundaries upfront. Once this exchanged happened I did as I pleased until I broke you. With every whip, slap, bite, whale, cry and torture I made reparations to my previous self through the domination of your body.

I asked you if you were willing to sub for me. You said that you would. I bound, gagged, blind folded, and harnessed you. I did as I pleased to your helpless body. You see at this point I was unable to separate you from all the rest. Had I had known who you were I wouldn’t have done this to you. But I wasn’t aware and this had to happen for me to understand. Once I had finished you said something to me that is seared into my memory. You said something to the tune of, “ I’m sorry that that this is what you’ve had to do in order to survive.”

It shook me to my core. It was effortlessly that you saw me. Through my masks and personas. There was no defense against you. No ploy I could use. It feels so raw. I am visible. I am now vulnerable again but most importantly I am vulnerable to you.

[tbelle2772-blog]

It Leaves As Quickly As It Came

You said that you were a submissive male looking for a Domme Trans woman. I said I was a Domme/Switch Trans Woman looking for a submissive male. We met on Fetlife and you messaged me on kik a day later. Our conversation flowed as smoothly as melted chocolate. We began the day talking to one another and ended it reading the words of each other. You were in Nevada wandering the west of the United States. I was in Charleston, South Carolina living my life. After only a day or two you began to drive eastward; your next destination being Baton Rouge. 

You said that you were coming to see me. I didn’t believe you. And if you were you must have been nuts. You arrived Friday January 6th, 2017. I debated whether to come to your hotel room as I knew you had just drove from Baton Rouge in one day. I asked a friend what to do and they said I was to knock on that hotel room door. I peered into the window and to my complete shock there you were. Lying face first down on the bed with your legs hanging off. I paced back and forth filled with anticipation and uncertainty. You actually had came. 

Your kisses weren’t rough or angry. I was confused. You were tender. It frightened me. In the morning I woke with such excitement to cook for you the traditional Southern foods. It’s always pleased me so much to feed those that I care for. You said you enjoyed my grits. That made me so happy. Wasn’t sure how an Icelander would take to grits. 

You read to me from your magic book in Icelandic. It mystified me by its sounds but more so that this was actually happening. I took you to see my friends Bella and Jewls. It felt so amazing taking you to see them. No one before has done that. No one has cared to know my life outside of sex in quite some time. They enjoyed you by the way. Even in your observational silence. 

I had to go to work and was dreading having to leave you. The time spent with you had already been so rich and filled. I returned home from work and heard my door bell ring. I opened the door to finding you standing there with a bouquet of flowers. My frustration with having thought you woke my roommate melted away. You stood there in the door way staring at me like no one has before. You peered over the tops of the roses into me. I went to draw a bath. I lit the candles adorning the arms of the tub. You hadn’t taken a bath in your adult years. We used the bath bombs that I purchased from Lush downtown on King. 

As our bodies wrapped around one another I felt it. I gazed into the flame of the candle and everything stopped. Emotions poured out of my chest into my eyes. The tears rolled down my face uncontrollably. You heard me as I tried to stay silent. Your arms gripped tightly around my back embracing my pain. You didn’t run. You stayed with me. 

You love being in nature. I used to. You are a traveler. I used to be. We went to Francis Marion Forest to hike in 32 degree temperature. I was so warm being out there with you. The cold was not only comfortable but enjoyable. You raised my core temperate. You followed me into the woods as I weaved in and out of the trees. Trees don’t grow naturally in Iceland. I told you all that I knew of the species that exist here. I broke off a small elm switch and spanked you through your jeans. It bit with a ferocity that my whips at home can not compare to. We walked along the rice field irrigation ditch observing the knuckles of the Cyprus and the coloration of the oil onto of the water. I pushed you against the tree and showed you how I cared for you. 

We went to SeeWee Outpost and shared a Whole Fried Flounder, butter beans, red rice, calamari, hushpuppies, and vinegar fries. Afterwards we sat in the sun enjoying espresso simply being in each others company talking about our grandmothers laughing and sharing. I had to go to work again. It’s fair to say you were all I thought about and talked about. The shift ended and you joined me at my favorite late night restaurant. We shared wings and pretended to watch the Clemson Alabama game. Discussing the culture of sports internationally. We sat in an American bar but I felt as though we were in our own universe. They could see us and us them. But there was this separation. We came back home. 

I had told you while at work that I couldn’t tell you how I felt about you via text. It was simply too impersonal. I didn’t rush to tell you. I let it come out in its own time. You never rushed me. You took your time and let me take mine. I was trembling to tell you. My body quivered with fear of being rejected as it’s the most vulnerable I’ve been with another in so long I can not remember. But it was too soon to say it. I don’t even know what it is. Our relations was too juvenile for such words of depth to be shared with one another. But I felt safe with you. Protected. Cared for. You didn’t run. You stayed. Listened. Consoled. You don’t know what that has meant. You made me realize what I had been selling myself cheaply. You stripped me of the veil I lower over myself. I whaled for how hard I have become inside. You reminded me what is real. Such stillness comes over someone after something like that. Never ending kisses will never satisfy me nor tell you how thankful I am for you. I mean what I said and said what I mean. You were so soft. Tender. You’ve changed everything and love you for that along with so many other reasons. 

You’re going to make you way back Washington and then back to the island. You will always stay with me whether we ever see one another again or not. You’ve given me hope when I just about was ready to give up. I feel so silly writing all of this. The tears wash my face as I write. Im glad I haven’t put on makeup yet. You are such a goober. You weren’t what you said you were. And neither was I. I am so glad that you came. You will leave but what you gave me will always stay with me. I’m so glad I was the fool to fall in love. 

[tbelle2772-blog]

Happy New Year

It has been quite a while since the last time I have written. I would like to thank a particular person for having reminded me that writing is a wonderful tool that I should utilize. To you I say, thank you. 

It has now been over three years since my last suicide attempt. (That also means its been three years since I took a complete 180 degree life turn. Nothing changes if nothing changes.) I never was fully committed to doing it. Those moments of absolute despair were backed by an attempt to cease the pain that I used to endure. It was the only way I could think of to make it all stop. Since I did suck at killing myself (which I am very grateful for), I was forced to find an alternative solution to the problem. Life had become nothing but problems. Who would want to live that? Everything had to give. And I mean everything. I began to learn what living a life of solution vs. problem meant. 

Because I had been in so much pain I was willing to let go of anything necessary in order to stop feeling such misery. Fortunately for me, I had lost almost all material possessions, financial stability and personal relations so I only had to let go of my concepts of self and of life. I am truly grateful for the rock bottom that I endured. I see ones that I know and love struggle with letting go of their current pain-ridden lives over starting a new life. The uncertainty of change incites grave fear. I’ve learned that we stay in our continuous life cycles because at least we know how to manage that pain. If we let go and begin something new we won’t have any idea of what will come. So we hold on to old broken relations, negative self talk, self-destructive behavior, meaningless jobs, unfulfilling thoughts, empty repetitious cycles that we are familiar with. 

What I have gained from letting go of my previous life continues to unfold before me. In return of letting go I have received: the ability to wake up without feeling as though impending doom is upon me, to be in a body that I celebrate, to have jobs that support me financially but also personally, hobbies and creative outlets that I get to produce material and share with others, to be of use to others who still struggle, educate as a guest speaker to colleges, be a part of multiple communities of friends, co-workers, entertainers, recovery-minded people, and blood family that truly accepts, loves, and supports me. The best of all that I have gained is having soundness of mind, body, and spirit; to look inside myself and be content with all that looks back. Working on myself first and foremost and relentlessly has been what has afforded me all of these gifts life has to offer. 

I can not say what will work for you. I can only tell my experience and what worked for me. Take life one minute at a time if necessary. Focus on solution instead of problem. Letting go doesn’t mean defeat. Our emotions/feelings are directly correlated to our thoughts. What and how we think creates our reality. Find those that are also of sound mind, body and sprit and allow them teach. We get out of our own way so that no longer are we the common denominator of our own limitations. The world does not make too difficult for those that seek. May we one day meet on this limitless journey we call life. 

Happy New Year!