Dreams and Demons

Where my obsessions come out to play. 25. 5'6". HW: 300 :'( CW: 283.0 GW1: 247 GW2: 216 GW3: 185 GW4: 154 GW5: 134 UGW: 114 or lower

[100reasonstorecover-blog]

Eating Disorder Recovery Websites

1) http://eatingdisorderrecovery.com/index.php/home - Features a free eating disorder recovery workbook that helps you manage eating disorder symptoms. Includes blogs to help inspire eating disorder recovery. Allows visitors to post and discuss problems and questions in a forum that is monitored.

2) http://www.recoveryboat.com/ - A website that offers peer support for eating disorder recovery. This site includes a forum for those struggling. It also provides basic information about eating disorders for those suffering and those supporting a loved one who is suffering. Lastly, it provides some therapy exercises that can help overcome eating disorder behaviours and symptoms.

3)      http://www.something-fishy.org/ - An all exclusive website that provides a treatment finder, forums, eating disorder information, hotlines, and more. This site even includes resources for books and self-help worksheets to help combat eating disorder symptoms and behaviours.

4) http://www.webiteback.com/ - A pro-recovery website that exists to help others overcome their eating disorder and to combat pro-ana websites. This site provides a forum for users to post on to get advice and share struggles of their eating disorder. This site also provides an extensive resource list for those struggling.

5)  http://www.nedic.ca/index.shtml – The National Eating Disorder Information Centre. This website features all you need to know about eating disorders. It has a resource library that includes links on where to get help. NEDIC runs public service announcements and campaigns that you can get involved with in your own community.

6) http://www.eatingdisordersblogs.com/ - This site is a compilation of blogs written by different people to help inspire you to overcome your eating disorder. You can find blogs written by Doris Smeltzer, Karen Koenig, and even Jenni Schaefer. These blogs provide information on eating disorders, skills you can use to recover, and resources you can access.

7) http://www.mirror-mirror.org/ - This is a site dedicated to help promote awareness for eating disorders. It helps to educate about the dangers of eating disorders. It also has links to resources on getting support for your eating disorder. It provides information on relapses and has a relapse prevention plan. It gives a lot of ideas on coping skills to deal with the hard emotions you feel instead of using eating disorder symptoms.

8) http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/ - This website is dedicated to advocacy for eating disorder recovery. It provides resources to help teach about what eating disorders really look like. This site provides resources for recovery as well. This is the organization that holds the National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, held at the end of February. This site provides stories of hope that encourages others to seek out recovery.

9) http://eatingdisorderscoalition.org/ - Advocacy at its best! This site is your guide to help get legislators and representatives to hear your voice and get legal action for eating disorder help and recovery. You can find facts and information about eating disorders on this site. You can learn how you can advocate and lobby for eating disorder recovery at the federal and state level.

10) http://www.mentorconnect-ed.org/ - A website that pairs mentors and mentees together to help support those in eating disorder recovery. The purpose is to pair those who have been in recovery and those who are struggling with an eating disorder to share experiences, provide guidance and to help each other through the journey of recovery. 

[thinthinthinspoo]

[tealessence-blog]

I want nothing more in life than to be SKINNY.

Because right now people dislike me because I’m morbidly obese.

They would like me if I were skinny.

No one can convince me otherwise. It’s too ingrained into my very being by my past abusers.

Maybe someday someone would even truly love me.

Maybe.

If I were just skinny.

[jellie-bells]

My therapist told me something meaningful yesterday, she said “It’s important to remember that when you’re depressed you have to nurse yourself and be extra gentile towards yourself. Just like an athlete wouldn’t break an ankle then force themselves to run that ankle. They rest as it heals and do not think “I am a failed athelete” they think, “right now something isn’t working so i’ll take care of myself until it does.“ 

Just like a broken bone, depression can change the way your daily life plays out, and pushing yourself too hard and getting frustrated when you don’t feel better is just like trying to run on that broken ankle and getting frustrated when it doesn’t heal.

[moonlight69]

Read this. Then read it again. And then save it and read it over and over when you are depressed.

[vegan-yums]

How do you become vegan?

I guess how depends on why you’re going. Either way though go at your own speed. If you stress yourself out you’re most likely gonna fail. Can cut things out slowly or drop everything at once. Remember why you want to go vegan.

Read up on nutrition - (x)(x)(x)(x)(x)

Watch documentaries (Get mad) - Earthlings, Forks over knives, Vegucated, Food inc, Cowspiracy and more.

Re-create your favorite comfort foods - Mac n cheese, Tacos, Burritos, Lasagna, Pizza, Chocolate, and Pasta to name a few.

Get informed (and mad again) - How meat hurts the planet, Truth behind dairy, Dairy industry in 60 seconds, The egg industries tiniest victims, Greatest speech you will ever hear, Why go vegan?, Beef Production is Killing the Amazon Rainforest, Addiction to cheese, 10 Dairy Facts the Industry Doesn’t Want You to Know.

Check out replacements/vegan brands (not needed, but helpful for transitioning for some people) - Beyond Meat, Gardein, Daiya, Tofurky, Earth Balance,  Boca, So delicious, Field Roast, Follow your heart, Amys, Chicago vegan foods and more. 

Some basics - Butter, Mayo (x)(x)(x)(can use mashed avocado as well), Milk (almond, soy, hemp, coconut, cashew, rice and more) My fave.

How to replace eggs.  

Find veg friendly restaurants.

Eating vegan on a budget/in school.

Some cosmetics and misc links (not everything from some of these companies/sites are vegan do some research/write-emails)- (x)(x)(x)(x)(x)(x)(x)(x)(x)

You’ll realize how ignorant people are, like not always in a whats that mean way in a holy shit wow people suck way. But..a lot of the time it rubs off on other people and sometimes the people around you may question their lifestyle choices and go vegan or vegetarian too, or just eat a lot less meat. When I went vegetarian then vegan my girlfriend went with me and a friend eventually. No one buys dairy milk in my house now and my dad and niece use my vegan butter/milk and faux meats sometimes (mostly because cheaper than meat). It spreads. Inform people. Ignore rudeness but educate. Remember that most of society is still brainwashed. We do not need animal products.

Veganism is not just about animals. These industries are hurting the planet, human health and keeping the hungry hungrier. Remember what’s important and it’s easy and rewarding.

Check my facts page for other links/info. 

I know there’s more products outside the us, so feel free to add some. It’s like 4:30am so i’ll probably have to reread this and edit it later.

[tealessence-blog]

Reblogging this for my own reference.

[binge-on-the-memes]

When somone offers you food

[tealessence-blog]

Just completed my first real workout in months.

...and it was quite a bit harder than I expected. I did 12 minutes of gentle hatha yoga and then 17 minutes of low-impact cardio. The exercise burned a total of 218 calories.

(If you’re looking for a super-accurate calories-burned calculator, I use this one: http://scoobysworkshop.com/calories-burned/.)

I know it’s not much, but I knew I hadn’t exercised in a really long time, so I wanted to take it really easy. I struggled, even with the freaking hatha yoga; I couldn’t seem to slow down my breathing enough.

God, I think this is the most out-of-shape I’ve ever been in my entire life. How embarrassing. But I have to start somewhere.

On a positive note, this is day 6 of my new diet plan, and in the 5 days I’ve completed, I’ve lost 6.2 lbs.

I know it’s almost impossible to believe that someone could lose over a pound per day while consuming 2000 calories every day, but that’s what happened.

When you’re as disgustingly heavy as me (285.6 lbs as of this morning), losing 1 pound is much easier than it is for an average-weight person to lose the same amount.

Well, I’m going to continue to have 2000 calories a day until Sunday, where I decrease my intake a tiny bit to 1950.

[tealessence-blog]

Good or bad...?

Excerpt from today’s journal entry:

Came home (after playing for church) and had dinner where I counted every single calorie like I’ve been doing all day. My mom noticed, hugged me, and said she’s so proud of me, that she’s seriously impressed.

That just made me incredibly sad; she only seems to feel that way when I’m on my way to weight loss. It doesn’t matter that I’m always trying my best 99.9% of the time; I only deserve encouragement or recognition or praise or whatever when I’m actually having success towards my goals. Thoughts that are swirling around in my head: “I’ll never be good enough for her until I lose enough weight.” “She would love me so much more if I were skinny.”

I’m not sure whether I should call today a good day or a bad day; it was bad because I was so triggered all day, but it was good in a way because I followed my diet plan to the T today: I had exactly 2000 calories today. It felt like a smaller amount than I thought it would, but it’s still manageable, as far as I can tell.

[tealessence-blog]

I don’t know how much longer I can stand this.

I’ve mentioned my mom before. She makes comments ALMOST EVERY ****ING DAY, about my eating/food/exercise/weight. I’m SO ****ING SICK OF IT. It’s NOT helpful, dammit!!! I had a pretty normal-sized breakfast this morning, but after she just made that comment to me before she left, I just want to starve. How can I ask her to stop without offending her??? Because I know she’s just trying to help... God, what should I do??? :’(

[i-know-the-cost-of-happiness]

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can also hurt me.

One of the things that bother me the most is the way mental illness terms are used in our society today. This morning, a I heard a girl describe her previously thinner body as “looking anorexic”. Someone in my anthropology class described their mom as “bipolar” because she was angry at him. Phrases like “I want to die”, “I’m gonna commit suicide” or “I just wanna kill myself” get thrown around constantly, without care. Being triggered is now a joke to describe overreacting. Even though these people probably don’t mean to hurt anyone, the truth is they are. They are hurting countless people.

They may casually say that they looked “anorexic”, but for me to hear that, being someone who is diagnosed with anorexia, with depression, with anxiety, who self harms, who has suicidal ideations and invasive thoughts, these words hurt. For you, being triggered is just a joke, but to me, being triggered means having to deal with a torrent of fear, anxiety, and self hatred every time something as simple as food, or weight is brought up. It means lying in bed at 3:00 in the morning replaying what you said about killing yourself, knowing you didn’t mean it. Except, the difference between you and me is that I am genuinely considering killing my self, and your comments made me feel so fucking invalid for having these thoughts. <\p>

And I’m not alone in this. I am not the only one who feels this way. These things aren’t jokes, and they shouldn’t be used lightly. <\p>

You would never make a joke like that about cancer or other physical illnesses. Just because you don’t see the effect of my illness, doesn’t mean it’s not there. Just because you can’t see the effects of my illness, doesn’t make it any less deadly than a physical illness.

In fact, when you joke about cancer, a person’s cancer isn’t going to get worse. But when you joke about a mental illness, that person’s mental illness can get worse.

So if you wouldn’t joke about cancer, then don’t joke about mental illnesses.

An illness is an illness, regardless of whether you can see it or not. Suffering is still suffering, regardless of whether you can see it or not.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can fucking hurt me.

[tealessence-blog]

Oh my gosh. AMEN!!! This is EXACTLY how I feel. From now on, the next time I hear someone make light of mental illness in that way without thinking, I WILL confront them. Thank you for this.

[tealessence-blog]

Hello again, I’m back.

Well, I was in the hospital again because I was suicidal again. I got 5 more ECT treatments, and I’m going to be getting one outpatient ECT treatment every month from now on. My doctor talked to me about putting me on lithium to help sustain the positive effects of the ECT in between treatments, but he hasn’t put me on it yet. I’ll mention it to him at my next treatment.

Anyway, I’m feeling better again. The only thing still causing me a lot of distress is my ED of course. I’ve been overeating like crazy, to my shame. Yesterday I binged on 2 slices of broccoli pizza and an entire box of mac n’ cheese.

So, I decided yesterday to create a new diet plan, one that starts at 2000 calories daily between 3 main meals and 1 snack. The calorie amount is so large because I want to very gradually decrease my calorie amount so I don’t fail again. I’ll stay at 2000 for a week, then decrease the amount every week until I eventually reach 500.

I’m pretty busy lately with my Christmas to-do list; I’m making hand-crafted professional-looking Christmas cards for the people I love and appreciate, and I’m working on my Christmas music (I’m a pianist), among other tasks. Unfortunately though, I haven’t been spending as much time as I would like on my Christmas tasks because I’ve been too busy obsessing over my diet plan and looking at thinspo, for hours and HOURS. My faith is precious to me, so while lying in bed about to go to sleep, I prayed to God to forgive me for spending so much time on getting sicker, falling deeper into my ED, and not enough time with Him.

Well, I hope all of you have been doing well. <3

[amy4ana]

Here’s to the people with EDs that are too scared/don’t have the gag reflex to purge, so they abuse laxatives

Here’s to the people with EDs that are medically obese

Here’s to the people with EDs that are medically overweight

Here’s to the people with EDs that started being thin already so they don’t feel valid enough

Here’s to the people with EDs that binge constantly and hate themselves for it

Here’s to the people with EDs that do sports and therefore have to have a high intake some days 

 Here’s to the people with EDs that live with their family and have to sit through family dinners every night 

 Here’s to the people with EDs that can’t fast for the same reason 

 Here’s to the people with EDs that feel like they’re going to faint every second of every day 

 Here’s to the people with EDs that have been told that they’re selfish for having a mental illness 

 Here’s to the people with EDs that have high intakes 

 Here’s to the people with EDs that can’t bring themselves to workout because they just can’t 

 Here’s to the people with EDs that desperately wish someone would notice, but don’t have the guts to tell anyone 

 Here’s to the people with EDs that found their way to recovery before it was too late 

Here’s to the people with EDs that haven’t actually lost weight in a while 

Here’s to everyone that struggles with an ED night and day You are valid and you are real

[tealessence-blog]

So... Hi.

My ED got worse in all this time that I’ve been away. I was in the hospital for depression, but then I got ECT (electro-convulsive therapy) treatments which greatly helped my depression.

But then after I was home for a couple weeks, well... I don’t want it to seem like I’m throwing my mom under the bus, but she triggered me with what she said to me. Badly.

I’ve been having edema (swelling) in my feet and ankles for some unknown reason, and she told me she was really worried about it, about me, that I’m only 25 and I shouldn’t be having such bad swelling at such a young age... and do I think it’s because of my weight gain? And she’s certain it would help if I lost a few pounds... That I should try weight-watchers.... etc., etc...

I know she just said those things because she’s concerned, because she loves me, etc., but it triggered me so bad I ended up relapsing with my self-harm in the days that followed, and my depression came back basically. I still haven’t fully gotten back to the good mood I had before, which is saddening.

Recently I went on NEDA’s helpline chat, and they’re looking into treatment options for me such as therapists who specialize in ED treatment, and also residential treatment, because I honestly feel like that’s what I need. My food cravings are almost CONSTANT. I NEVER feel full, no matter how much I eat.

I’m so tempted to weigh myself, that way I can take a “before” selfie. But I can’t... God, I can’t... it will just trigger me more...

Most of me wants to recover from my ED, but a tiny little part wants me to dive into it and starve.

[tealessence-blog]

People would love me more if I were thin...

This is a phenomenon I have actually observed in my life. I was treated much better at my lowest weight. I have to believe that I can reach my UGW... if I don’t, I don’t really have any reasons to live. Sad, but true.

[miss-thin-goals-deactivated2018]

Here are some snack foods to satisfy your cravings with minimum calories. If you must eat, try to eat something off of this list! Together we will be skinny

satisfy your sweet tooth:

1. ½ medium apple, baked, topped with 1 tbsp low fat yogurt sprinkled with cinnamon (45 calories).

2. ½ small banana, frozen (45 calories)

3. 4 oz. unsweetened applesauce sprinkled with cinnamon (49 calories)

4. 1 miniature box of raisins (45 calories)

5. 2 sugar-free ice pops (30 calories)

6. 1 sugar-free fudge ice pop (35 calories)

7. 12 cherries (48 calories)

8. 1 individual serving sugar-free gelatin with 3 tbsp. light whipped topping (40 calories)

9. ½ cup strawberries with 2 ½ tbsp nonfat yogurt (47 calories)

10. 14 seedless red grapes, frozen (48 calories)

indulge a salt craving:

11. 1 ½ cups salted air-popped popcorn (46 calories)

12. ¼ cup shelled edamame (soybeans) with sea salt (37 calories)

13. 8 oz. miso soup (36 calories)

14. 1 pretzel rod (37 calories)

15. ¼ small bag of Glenny’s lightly salted soy crisps (35 calories)

16. 1 medium sliced cucumber mixed with ¼ cup sliced onion, ½ cup chopped celery, and 4 tbsp vinegar and salt to taste (45 calories)

17. 6 oz V8 juice (39 calories)

18. 1 kosher dill pickle (10 calories)

crunch and munch:

19. ½ cup jicama with 4 oz salsa (49.5 calories)

20. 1 ½ cups sugar snap peas (40 calories)

21. small celery stalk smeared with ½ tbsp natural peanut butter (49 calories)

22. ½ small apple with 1 tsp soy butter (46 calories)

23. 1 brown rice cake with 1 tbsp sugar-free jam (44 calories)

smooth and creamy:

24. 1 Laughing Cow Light Garlic & Herb wedge spread on cucumber slices (35 calories)

25. 1 tsp almond butter (34 calories)

26. ½ cup fat-free Greek yogurt with 1 tsp sugar-free strawberry jam (43 calories)

27. 1 oz avocado (about 1/8 of an avocado) squirted with lime (45 calories)

28. 8 grape tomatoes dipped in 1 tbsp light cream cheese (46 calories)

cheesy whizzes:

29. 6 pieces of endive filled with ½ oz reduced-fat feta cheese (49 calories)

30. 1 slice fat-free American cheese (30 calories)

31. 1 large tomato, sliced, topped with 1 tbsp Parmesan, broiled (44 calories)

32. 1 oz fat-free cottage cheese on1 slice caraway Finn Crisp Crispbread (38 calories)

33. 1 oz fat-free mozzarella dipped in 1 tsp marinara sauce (46 calories)

power up on protein:

34. turkey rolls: 2 slices white meat turkey rolled in 2 lettuce leaves (46 calories)

35. 1 oz smoked salmon (about 1 slice) on 2 Wheat Thins crackers (48 calories)

36. 1 tofu dog with 1 tbsp sauerkraut (48 calories)

37. ½ cup plain fat-free yogurt sprinkled with 1 tsp sunflower seeds (49.6 calories)

38. 1.3 oz water-packed tuna with 1 tsp Dijon mustard (48 calories)

39. 2 large hard-cooked egg whites with 1 cup sliced cucumber (48 calories)

40. 1 slice Wasa Fibre Crispbread with 2 tsp hummus (45 calories)

41. 1 medium water-packed sardine with slice of red onion (35 calories)

solid standbys:

42. ½ cup melon with 2 tbsp 1% cottage cheese (47 calories)

43. ½ small grapefruit (32 calories)

44. 1/3 cup blueberries with 1 tbsp light sour cream (47 calories)

45. ½ cup carrots with 1 tbsp light ranch dressing (45 calories)

thirst quenchers:

46. ½ cup nonfat milk with 1 tbsp Walden Farms calorie-free chocolate syrup (40 calories)

47. 1 packet of sugar-free hot chocolate made with ¼ cup skim milk and ¾ cup hot water (47 calories)

48. ¾ cup almond milk (45 calories)

49. ¾ cup seltzer with ¼ cup cranberry juice and a lime wedge (33 calories)

50. homemade iced green tea (with artificial sweetener if desired) (0 calories)

Hope this is helpful! 

 xoxo 

[gobsthegoblin]

self care for when you hit rock bottom

i fucking hate self care posts made by neurotypicals so here’s one from someone who Actually Gets It

-can’t shower or take a bath? me either. dry shampoo can make your hair look and feel cleaner, and baby wipes or makeup wipes work great to get the top layer of grime off your skin.

-can’t wash your sheets and make your bed? i feel you. push your blankets out of the way and shake the crumbs off your sheet. it will at least be a bit more comfortable.

-can’t even change out of your dirty pajamas? been there. hit yourself with some febreeze and a lint roller. if you can, brush your hair. if you can’t, hair ties and bobby pins are fantastic.

-can’t make anything to eat? same. if you can, there’s no shame in ordering food. in fact, it’s probably better you eat something rather than go hungry. if you can’t, try and find something that comes pre-made or takes minimal effort to make. at the very least, drink some water.

can’t respond to messages or reach out for help? yeah, i get that. set an alarm for a few hours from now and respond to any messages you need to once you’ve given yourself time to prepare. if they’re Important Messages that need Professional Responses, you can find fill-in-the-blank format rough drafts on google. as far as personal messages go, don’t feel bad for sending a mass “I’m sorry, I’m in a personal emergency right now. I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.” response to everyone.

-can’t even sleep because it’s so bad? asmr videos always knock me out, personally, but i also watch a lot of bob ross. just try to find something quiet and soothing to use as background noise and take your mind off it, or at least give you a more peaceful environment to think about it.

-can’t go for a walk/drive? try opening the blinds or curtains. you’re still exposing yourself to the outside world. baby steps. (i also play animal crossing or sims; it may be virtual but fuck it. i went on a walk.)

-can’t go into work/school? let people know. let your coworkers or classmates know it’s an emergency and you can’t make it. give yourself up to two days, but then you have to go back. ask to have your work emailed to you so you know what you missed.

-can’t brush your teeth and wash your face? makeup or baby wipes and gum or mouthwash. don’t let yourself physically rot bc you’re rotting emotionally.

-remember that you’ve been here before. if you survived then you can survive now. that’s what this is about- survival. you don’t have to be living your Best Life. right now, it’s more than enough that you’re alive.

[tealessence-blog]

Me: *makes a small irrelevant mistake*

My Brain, banging pots and pans together: YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUC

Me: *makes huge mistake that will directly affect my future horribly*

My Brain, lounging on a lawn chair with shades on: ....acknowledged