shane thinking that ilya having a lot of casual sex means he's better at feeling casual about THEIR sex (shane, lol. lmao even.) and them being friends in hit or miss verse does offer the EXTREMELY funny scenario of shane trying to recruit ilya as his wingman to pick someone out one night
and ilya as he has been drafted into this is just 🙂 what if i buy a gun 🙂
GOD shane who finally does hook up with someone (couldn't find someone when ilya was around?? maybe they were intimidated because he's so hot?? mystery) and it's like. fine. the guy is. fine. he goes down on shane and shane goes down on him, and it's fine. shane at the end is a little "... that's it?" but it's not traumatic or anything. it's just. fine.
but ilya who has been on alert that shane was interested in fucking other people teasingly (...at least outwardly) asks if shane has had any luck, and shane doesn't want to say "yeah, but it was just okay. it feels so much better with you and i don't know why." because that feels Needy And Not Casual. so instead he pulls a "yeah, i did! it was really fun. he was hot."
and ilya who is hearing kill bill sirens is just 🙂yay🙂
#Re:tags I think this would be even funnier if the more Shane hooked up casually the more he realized that GREAT sex is a matter of chance#Thinking about an interview I read years ago about a guy who was heavily involved in the gay scene in Berlin and said#he has like 500 hookups a year and out of those maybe 10 in 100 are decent and 1 every 200 is truly GOOD good iirc#And so he has some mediocre experiences some uncomfortable experiences some just ok experiences...and then he has one REALLY good experienc#like on par with Ilya good maybe even better. And he's like THANK GOD nothing's wrong with me I'm NOT 🙅🏽♂️❌ 👎🏽in love#with my best friend!!! in the immediate aftermath and then the guy just like. Gently kicks him out As Is Standard Hookup Practice#and Shane on the walk home feels EXACTLY like he felt after all the other hookups. I.e. weirdly disappointed and dissatisfied. And#now has to confront the fact that “he's the best I've ever had” is in fact NOT the reason why he misses Ilya#whenever he's in bed with another man!! He just had maybe the best sex of his life and he's walking home grumpy and feeling vaguely empty#bc the guy didn't laugh like Ilya and he didn't smile like Ilya and he didn't make cringey jokes like Ilya#and Shane didn't know his way around his bathroom like at Ilya's house and the guy didn't know about the ticklish spot behind Shane's ear#like Ilya and oh fuck it's not the sex. It's fucking FEELINGS fuck!!!! He buries this next time Ilya fucks him it's EVEN BETTER bc Ilya#is JEALOUS so now it's BOTH that he knows he has feelings AND that he knows Ilya is a statistically one-in-a-million good lay#even disregarding emotional attachment. FUCK WHAT IS HE SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT THIS!!! Rose in the background: Lock him down!! #heated rivalry#Vladi speaks#Like I want the fakeout emotional rollercoaster of hmm I've been having casual sex for quite some time now and NOTHING is as good as with#Ilya do I maybe...have to ask myself if there's a deeper reason it's always better with Ilya -> NEVERMIND BREAKDOWN CANCELLED HE'S JUST A#GENERATIONAL TALENT AT SUCKING DICK haha fuck I'm so relieved!!! No hard conversations in MY future 😎 -> oh.. oh fuck#-> ok so I DO have feelings but it's still kind of nice to know that while Ilya's a cut above the rest I can get same or better quality#dicking down if he doesn't like me back and never wants to sleep with me again if he ever finds out -> oh fuck Oh No oh fuck. Why did he#have to step it up EVEN FURTHER. FUCK that's my backup plan out the window!! What the fuck do I do now!!!
@shakespearerants
WAIT FUCK
oh man
part of this being that shane has had enough sex with other people atp that he's more comfortable going "no, wrong. no good for me. do it better." (because also?? frustrating that NO ONE!! is bringing their a game!!! fuck's sake!! everyone get better at sex with him specifically NOW!!) and this guy is good on his own but significantly is also COACHABLE. so shane is able to tell him what he likes and ends up running sex with ilya software on a different person and is just!! FINALLY!! someone getting a good grade in fucking!! at last!!
but then it's over and now?? different?? wait, no. guy even catches his breath leaning against him and even in the immediate aftermath shane is a lil "okay...stop touching me now" because while having sex!! he was doing Ilya Sex!! right speed, right holding shane's leg at the perfect angle to not hurt his hip but let him get deep! perfect! the kissing wasn't as good and he didn't have his mouth on shane's neck like he likes and didn't have nice soft hair to hold onto, but still! felt the same in the moment!
but now this is a body that is Not Ilya touching him, and shane does not like it. it's not AWFUL or anything, but it's not the body he's gotten used to touching for literal years now. and he doesn't know how shane likes being touched either. ilya always touches him slow and firm after when he's coming down, and this guy is touching him too light and also not sticking to a pattern until shane is finally just *holds hand in place* that's enough.
and guy is polite! tries to make smalltalk, but it's stilted in a way it wasn't with ilya even in their first real conversation together. so shane cleans up in the bathroom (and these are not Safe For Him products?? fuck, forgot about that, damn) and also now has to put on jeans and his shirt again because this isn't ilya's house where he can just help himself to ilya's sweats and then raid his fridge because everything here is safe (besides the "NOT FOR SHANES"-labelled nutella in its designated No Hollanders Cabinet because ilya thinks he's funny and eats it only in the weeks they def won't be seeing each other). and it's just not COMFORTABLE. and part of that is that this guy is a stranger and doesn't have years of knowing each other with him.
but also. this guy is a stranger and doesn't have years of knowing each other with him.
and shane doesn't really. want to know him.
and he's willing to linger a bit because ilya always snuggles with him a little and has since the start, but guy is just "ugh, that late already? god, i can't believe i have to be up so early tomorrow." in what's clearly a polite "okay, bye" signal. and like. that's fine. but also like. no snuggles?? even a little bit?? but the fucking felt like Ilya Fucking and now we're not doing the end part of that. what the fuck???
so then he hooks up with ilya again next time, and ilya just Knows. shane doesn't have to coach him at all. he just does it and reads what shane wants and gives it to him no problem and shane just gets to let go and feel good. and then after??? soft smooches. teasing joke about battleship. shared shower with products shane gets to use no problem and then pulling on ilya's clothes and getting to have dinner picked to be safe for him and then settling down on a couch he's been relaxing on for years with his head on ilya's shoulder and it all just feels SO good. it's so COMFORTABLE.
It's truly the excuses falling one after the others like dominos xD. "I'm not in love I just feel like this because everyone else sucks at sex" BZZT INCORRECT! "I feel like this because Ilya does specific things I like in bed that nobody else does to me" BZZT INCORRECT. "Fuck ok I feel like this because it's Ilya. But well if he doesn't feel the same I at least have a chance of finding the best sex of my life with someone else" BZZT INCORRECT. "Ok fuck Ilya is it for me on every level but he doesn't feel the same he strictly likes me as a friend and fuck buddy so I should never ever say anything to him" BZZT INCORRECT!!!
To be honest I really like the idea that what prompts this whole domino chain is actually someone else doing something in bed that Shane really likes that Ilya HASN'T done/thought of (yet)! Because yes of course Ilya has been Shane's most formative sexual partner, and in this 'verse of course ther "I think I like you [implied: as a person/beyond our sexual relationship]" Florida All Stars pivotal moment doesn't really make sense because well they're best friends of COURSE they like each other beyond sex! So Shane knows he likes the sex and he knows he likes Ilya and he knows all the one night stands don't measure up...what's the explanation that makes sense if "I'm in love with him" isn't an option (because it can't be an option)? Ilya is just Better At Sex, of course. Naturally no one else measures up, they're not putting in the work! No need to confront feelings, it's just a fact that Shane would of course miss Ilya during any hookup, he's having a subpar experience and simply comparing notes!
Only then. There's this guy. And he does things Ilya hasn't even THOUGHT of. It's new. It's exciting. It's GOOD. Why does Shane still feel like he's MISSING ILYA IN THIS SITUATION???!!!!!
Ok ok maybe he's just so used to the way he and Ilya have sex that he's automatically thinking about him. Hmmm ok round two this time we ask the hot club pull to do EXACTLY what Ilya does in bed maybe it's just that Shane really really likes the way Ilya grips his thigh for leverage when he pushes into him and he misses that and THAT'S why he can't get him out of his head?? Maybe??
shane "overthinker supreme" hollander having the lightbulb moment of !! of course i was thinking of ilya!! i was making him do ilya's moves!! duh!! i will do it again and let him fuck me in his own style and then i won't think of or want ilya!! perfect solution!!
and left to his own devices, the guy is GOOD in this second round. like he knows his shit and it's GOOD. shane still isn't as fully relaxed or "i am nothing but pleasure rn" puddle as he is with ilya, but this is GOOD! SEX!
anD FUCKING YET
guy does something REALLY good, and shane's first thought is "oh, i should ask ilya to do that"
FUCK
sex is also mental, and i am cracking up imagining shane being SO fucking grumpy that this feels good and is so hot and yet ilya, this MOTHERFUCKER, won't get out!! of his head!! what the FUCK is wrong!!! poor guy is just like "you good?" and shane is >:( yes. >:( you're great at this. >:( i'm so close. >:( don't stop. >:(
so now running his hypothesis with ilya and getting ilya to do this guy's moves because maybe!! he'll now think of this guy!! that is clearly the solution here!!! (also making ilya internally FURIOUS. he'll do it and he's going to try and do it the best anyone has EVER done it. but he is getting blueprints of someone else fucking shane, and he is BIG ANGY about it.) BUT NO. GREAT MOVE FEELS EVEN FUCKING BETTER WHEN ILYA IS DOING IT TO HIM.
FUCK HIS FUCKING EVERYTHING.
and shane is just OUTRAGED fury (and a little bit desperation because he CAN'T be in love with ilya. that's not what they are. everyone knows they're friends. end of sentence.) and thinks fine! fucking fine! just need to get to know this guy and then i will think about him when he's fucking me and no one else. HAS TO BE THE SOLUTION HERE. and it continues!! to be great fucking sex!!! he sees guy regularly now!! even watches a game with him!! he tried sharing hockey with him!! and spent the whole fucking time!! wishing he was watching with ilya instead!!! FUCK
(also obvi sad for other dude but funny to imagine other guy catching some feelings here and shane accidentally creating a one-sided situationship while trying to fix what he thinks is his own one-sided situationship)
and then tuna meltdown happening because ilya is SO jealous atp. because HE thinks that other people are fucking the shane HE fucks! and the idea of someone else getting soft, starry-eyed, trusting shane under them makes him SO fucking furious. (little does he know: he is the only one who has fucked that version of shane. ilya is the only one shane trusts enough to be like that in bed.) (BUT THEY DON'T COMMUNICATE FOR SHIT SO HE DOESN'T KNOW THAT) (AND HE IS READY TO CHEW THROUGH DRYWALL WITH RAGE ABOUT IT.) so they have their cutesy boyfriend rp and it isn't THAT different from what they normally do, but they have their shane on ilya's lap stroking them both off moment, and ilya is soft and happy and content but still has at the back of his mind that he is in A Contest For Shane and so teasingly tosses out a, "better than [name of other guy]?"
and the answer is yes. even just stroking them both off more than slightly dry and almost fully dressed in broad daylight and with tuna breath, and it's STILL better than other guy. it's better than the best with the other guy.
and it CAN'T BE.
he CAN'T feel like this. because ilya doesn't feel the same! he can do all of this and feel casual enough to tease shane about the other people he's fucking! this means nothing to ilya even though it feels like SO MUCH to shane!!!
so for the first time in YEARS, shane ends up spending the night in a hotel in boston.
and the knowledge of it means that neither he nor ilya sleeps at all.
Ilya has always enjoyed baiting other teams into penalties. In fact, it's one of his favourite things about hockey. He's made it into a fucking art form. He has a long mental list of exactly what gets under other players' skin and relishes finding new and creative ways to frame their petty insecurities or asshole nature (crucially, he is not airing people's trauma, he's chirping them about their receding hairline and DUI). But after Shane joins the Centaurs, he starts going fucking wild with it. People thought he was bad before? Just you fucking wait. When the reward for getting a penalty out of someone else is that he finally gets to share the ice with his husband??? Oh, shit's about to go down.
Wiebe would love to be able to claim this had been a deliberate strategy when he decided to put Shane and Ilya on separate lines but have them go out as a unit on the power play but that's simply not true. It was just an unexpected but fortunate byproduct of that.
This does mean Ottawa has an abnormally high number of penalties against them when compared to other teams. All because Ilya Rozanov loves nothing more than getting to play hockey with his husband and is incredibly sly with it, mostly managing to avoid getting pegged as the instigator.
Imagine how difficult of an adjustment it will be for Shane and Ilya to not only be on the same team but to never actually share the ice (except on the power play). They're stuck watching their man be far and away the best player out there without the distraction of being mid-play themselves and they've lost their outlet for channelling all of their sexual tension into something reasonably acceptable for audiences. Imagine the fan edits of them just sitting on the bench, chewing on their mouthguard, while shooting obvious fuck-me-eyes at the other. Ilya's urge to check Shane into the boards is unreasonable. As soon as Shane gets on the ice he shoots off like a bat out of hell to burn off his excess energy. They can't even fucking look at each other in the locker room. As soon as they're home Ilya is throwing Shane up against the wall as hard as he would have done if they were both wearing pads. Those first few months they both acquire more bruises off the ice than on it.
In all seriousness, though, OP is right. They play the same position: centre. Which means Ilya will be the first line centre in Ottawa and Shane the second line centre. And no, it’s not a demotion for Shane. If you have arguably the two best centres in the league on different lines, the opposing defencemen and goalies can NEVER rest. The offensive threat is relentless.
On most hockey teams, the strongest offensive players are on the first line. Which means when the second line’s shift starts, these players aren’t as good. But when the second line centre is Shane motherfucking Hollander, you don’t get a rest. You never get a chance to catch your breath.
Particularly when your first line centre and second line centre are competitive with each other. You just know they’ll be pushing the wingers on their respective lines relentlessly because each of them wants to outdo his husband’s line. For bragging rights or better sex or whatever.
Every team in the league will hate playing against Ottawa, and be bitter at Montreal for fumbling Shane. Because they effectively have two first offensive lines, and that’s very difficult to play against.
As for facing both of them on the power play, that’s the nightmare of every goalie in the league. Wyatt Hayes is the happiest man alive, knowing they’re both on HIS team now! He never has to defend his net against either of these assholes ever again. Except during practices, of course. Not during actual games.
have been tumbling around in my head that being shane and ilya in their phones in the new shallergies verse means there is no jane and lily and thus no flirty texts
BUT
i have now been gifted the vision of them downloading a battleship game app and sexting in the chat feature (with their usernames changed to jane and lily after ilya continues to send sexy texts and shane gets stressed that SOMEHOW someone is going to manage to find this random ass app)
which also then offers the very funny idea that the signal of "i wanna sext" is just sending fucking. "A3". as the "hey, i'm horny go open your battleship app."
GOD ilya looking up why he suddenly keeps getting told he can't send messages on this app now and happening to stumble across a reddit thread talking about how apps are getting sanitized for advertisers, and ilya is PISSED
gets so mad on twitter that yuna calls him and is like, "honey, i love your passion, but you need to STOP. advertisements pay you a lot of money."
and now ilya is resentfully deleting posts while still being PISSED that he can't send shane the word cock anymore because burger king wants to talk about their fucking morning croissant sandwich on HIS sacred sexting battleship app.
David Hollander is definitely the type of man to randomly put on a song and pull his wife up to dance with him, especially if she’s stressing about something, or worrying, or upset, or just because. She will usually lightly protest, honey, I need to finish this email, but she’ll happily go along nonetheless.
David does it for the first time in front of Ilya when the boys are visiting and Shane and Yuna are planning (arguing) about something new brand deal.
He puts a song on the record player (Yuna has given up teaching him the Alexa), and he takes Yuna’s hand without a word. She protests that they need to plan out these contract terms and how his son is being difficult about it.
Shane starts to protest at that, but doesn’t get far until Ilya pulls him up to dance, too. A very embarrassed Shane goes willingly. He’s watched his father do this for years but never thought he would be pulled up to dance one day. From the fond looks from his parents, they probably didn’t either.
Shane meets Ilya’s smile with a half-hearted glare, but can’t deny swaying to the music in his boyfriend’s arms feels much better than stressing about a brand deal. Ilya makes a note to ask David for anymore tips and tricks.
They’re going through Yuna and David’s movie collection when Ilya comes across a VHS with ‘Shane - Bell Center 1994’ written on the sleeve and insists they watch it.
Shane isn’t super into the idea. “My parents don’t have a VHS player.”
“Is literally right beside your knee, Hollander.”
“Well, it’s boring! Why do you want to see a dumb recording of me as a kid anyway?”
“Because it’s adorable?” Ilya says incredulously. “And you are adorable?”
“Oh, I forgot we had that!” Yuna exclaims, coming to sit on the couch with her glass of wine. “God, I miss those days. Shane was the cutest timbit.”
Timbit, Ilya mouths to himself, his fingers curling around the tape. This is Shane as a timbit? In all his tiny little hockey gear at the Bell Center? Ilya needs to see it. “Shane.”
Shane looks at him and sighs.
They put the tape in.
Ilya almost dies as the grainy screen resolves itself into an MC and a tiny Shane, dressed in his hockey gear. His helmet is crooked on his head, his stick tap tap tapping against it as he stares at the interviewer, determined. His cheeks are big and round and pink from the cold of the ice, and though Ilya cannot make out his freckles, he knows from pictures that they’re there. The MC crouches down and a packed Bell Center is visible behind them.
“And here we have number 24, Shane Hollander!” The MC says in heavily accented English. “Let’s give him a round of applause. Shane, how are you feeling tonight, are you excited to be here?”
“Um. Yes.”
“And how old are you, Shane?”
Little Shane closes his eyes for a moment, taking a big, deep breath before reciting: “My name is Shane Hollander and I’m a hockey player. I am three years old and I go to Glebe Co-operative Nursery School in Ottawa and my mommy and daddy are Yuna and David. And I’m three.”
The MC laughs a little. “That’s a great introduction, Shane, thank you. Do you have anyone here with you tonight, cheering you on in the audience?”
Shane’s eyes open, but he doesn’t break out into a toothy grin. No, instead, Shane—serious, no-nonsense Shane—nods and leans in to the microphone like he’s giving a post-game interview. “Yes, my mommy and my daddy.”
“And are they big Metros fans?”
“Yes.”
“What about you?”
“Yes, too. They’re gonna go all the way this year. They have all the pieces for a winning team.”
“That’s what we love to hear, Shane, we agree and we love the confidence. Can we expect to see you on the ice someday? Do you want to be a hockey player when you grow up?”
“Yes, I’m a hockey player.”
“Do you want to play for Montreal?”
“Yes.”
“Can we get some encouragement for the team from you, Shane? Maybe a Go Metros Go?”
This, Shane takes extremely seriously. Ilya watches him nod with all the solemnity of a general going to war, and then releases his own tiny, passionate battle cry: “Go Metros Go!”
“Shane Hollander, everyone, let’s give him another round of applause!”
Ilya watches Shane stick out his little hand and the MC laugh a little as he shakes it, before tiny Shane toddles back to his parents on his skates. The mic picks up, Mommy can I skate again nowww? before the tape stops.
Ilya is going to fucking die. He already feels as if his heart is too big for his body, his fingers pressing into his knees to keep from grabbing Shane and doing—something to him. Kissing him or hugging him or fucking. Eating him. Consuming him. Crawling inside of him.
Shane is curled up beside the couch with his hands covering his face in embarrassment and Ilya is sitting less than a meter from him, dying of retroactive cuteness.
“You were so pissed when we told you that your turn to skate was done,” Yuna murmurs fondly. “Full meltdown.”
“Yeah, I remember,” Shane mutters, shaking his head in his hands. “JP made fun of me.”
Yuna scoffs. “JP was copying his parents, because they were pissed that you were better than him. And that we were out of towners but got the interview.” She raises a brow. “And now look: you’re a professional hockey player and JP is probably working at some office back in Trois Rivières and hates his life.”
“Mom, seriously?”
“What?” Yuna asks, getting up and heading towards the kitchen. “His parents were assholes. They made an asshole. I won’t apologize for that.”
Ilya takes the opportunity to crawl closer, slinging an arm around Shane’s back. He presses one kiss, then two, then three to Shane’s cheek. “Shane,” he breathes.
“Mm?”
“You were cutest fucking tiny hockey player in the entire world.”
Ilya feels Shane’s blush against his mouth. He kisses it again. “Fuck off,” Shane mutters, cuddling into him. He turns to press a soft, barely there kind of kiss to the corner of Ilya’s lips, burying his pink, hot face into his neck. “I was too serious. They called me a robot and did that stupid dance at me.”
“Well, they’re idiots. Hockey is serious, so you are serious, and they were probably ugly.”
“Ilya,” Shane laughs. Ilya feels his huffed breath in the juncture of his own neck and grins, thumb moving up to caress the small hairs at his nape.
They’re still too far away.
Ilya shifts, immediately attacking Shane’s face with kisses the minute he becomes visible. Shane laughs, shrieks, says stop even as he pulls Ilya closer, until they’ve toppled over onto the carpet.
Shane pulls back to look him in the eye, chewing his lip. “I think my parents still have some camcorder home videos of me.”
Shane Hollander continues to not share many personal photos on his social media post-relationship reveal. He'll happily appear in many of Ilya's posts and interact with them, but he still doesn't want to share too much of their personal life online to avoid scrutiny and unwanted attention. Sometimes this brings criticism and rumors, but mostly people get used to it and find it endearing, Ilya posts more freely and Shane is more reserved. Until one day Shane posts a video of a shirtless Ilya passed out on top of him, mouth a little open and hand hanging on to Shane's neck, with the caption "put him right to sleep" with "Tapout" as the audio. It goes so viral, it surpasses their relationship confirmation and wedding posts in likes in just a couple of days.
Something I eat up in fic every time is when Shane calls Ilya pretty or hot or beautiful and it stops Ilya and his low self esteem in his tracks to ask “do you really think so?” because Shane never says it and poor autistic blueberry Shane is like “I figured he knew on account of all the very enthusiastic sluttery we engage in together”
One thing everyone seems to forget in this fandom is Ilya said that Irina was funny too
I feel like everyone makes her out to be this perfect angel bathed in golden light who never said one bad thing about anyone and who wouldn’t hurt a fly
But the first thing Ilya said about his mum was that she was funny
Irina Rozanova was a funny gal, she cracked jokes, she was quick witted and let’s not forget she raised Ilya little shit supreme Rozanov
This is probably like a water is wet thought but I love how the cottage sets up their TLG dynamic in such a concentrated way. Yes, we are good at sex with feelings. Yes, we are good at telling each other secrets. No, we can’t talk about the complex issues, the things that don’t have a concrete answer. Yes, we are friends and can laugh and play together. No, we don’t understand the depths of each other’s separate devotion. Yes, we will try to prove said devotion through big romantic gestures and confessions. Yes, we will give up pieces of ourselves because the alternative is Losing You.™️
When #myshane retires, he doesn’t go into coaching or podcasting or whatever.
He becomes a consultant who shitty teams trying to not suck, good teams who want to last further into the playoffs, great teams who want to finally win the cup, call to Fix Them.
He is paid absolutely bonkers amounts of money to watch a team play for five minutes and immediately diagnose what’s wrong with them. He is always right.
Ok 5 minutes is probably an exaggeration. The coaches send him a bunch of tape to review in advance. They probably focus on their best players or the ones they think need the most improvement, but half the time Shane requests more, focusing on players they hadn’t paid much attention to before. Then one day at practice, the players look up into the stands and are filled with awe, terror, and wonder, because Shane Hollander is sitting there staring directly at them with a scarily thoughtful look on his face.
He meets with the coaches and gm and reports his conclusions. Who to trade and for who , how to get better results from certain players, how to run power plays and penalty kills, changes in line makeups.
Some lucky players get to meet with him. He takes about five minutes to list off or demonstrate everything they need to do to stop sucking. He has no time for chit chat or hero worship. Focus, listen, learn, and do exactly what he says and you will be good. Fail to do what he says and you will shame your entire bloodline.
I think that, if he’s not the one actually playing, this would be a dream job. It involves Knowing Things About Hockey, Judging Shitty Hockey Players, Getting Recognized As The Best at Hockey, Being Correct, and Making Hockey Better. He should get to do all these things
Ok but Cliff Marlow somehow managing to get into Ilya's phone after the Tunameltdown in the middle of the Hollandry crashout, and getting Montreal Jane's number.
The entire Boston roster piling behind Marly as he types, trying to decide what to say that could save them because their captain has been possessed by the spirit or a soviet military trainer with knife shoes and if they are forced to make double bagskates again they will either puke or die or both.
So Shane Hollander wakes up one day to a message from an unknown number like "Hello Miss Jane ma'am this is Clifford Marlow I don't know if you have heard of me I am sorry to be a bother I'm just wondering if you could give my good friend Ilya another chance, I promise that whatever he did he won't do again, we will help we will teach him to cook and clean and do laundry and he will cook you the best sandwiches ever if you only give him a chance only if you want of course if it's not too much of a bother Miss Jane please and thank you" and he goes through the seven stages of grief in like 4 seconds before it's even 7am. They manage to add the link to a very big spa gift card that they all chipped in to buy because at that point they're desperate.
i’m really overwhelmed thinking about hudson saying “he’s never had a sexual experience (before ilya) where he wanted to be there or had even a flint of desire.” and shane feeling the lust and the shame and the carnal desire and the rejection towards ilya all at once. sitting on that locker room bench after giving ilya his room number and trying to swallow everything down. not just feeling the feelings but not being able to name the feelings either. not knowing where to put them. what to do with his hands. he’s so good at everything including pushing it all down. he’s not good at this and his body won’t let him push it down. never feeling a flint of desire to the flames of it swallowing him whole. if it’s bad and it’s wrong then why does ilya pushing him against that wall and kissing him for the first time feel like absolution. shane has never absolved himself of anything. what is he supposed to do with that.
also the retroactive grief that comes with realising that every sexual encounter he's ever had - which he thought was fine at the time but is now seeing completely differently after having just had his mind blown by this guy he's not supposed to want at all - has been bad actually. the realisation that he didn't actually want that. that he thought he wanted it at the time but only bc he didn't know what wanting it actually felt like and now he has to process the fact that this whole 'maybe this is just how everybody feels about sex' idea he's convinced himself of is completely and utterly false. and he can't un-know that. but god damn he's gonna try.
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