Meh

Vic | Bi | only here to lurk (and maybe make some friends) Messages always open to those that have nothing better to do

[sophiesticated75]

One day Shan and Ilya just want to sit and watch a movie together like maybe they have a day off in the winter at the cottage (don't ask me how they just do) and Ilya is scrolling through movies while Shane just sits and makes objections to his loud action movies so Ilya picks Bambi and Shane is like "are sure about this" and Ilya's just like "Shane how could cute little dear be so distressing" but he absolutely eats his words and the movie absolutely destroys him

[ilyasgoodboy]

Okay I’m back to play with Shallergies because hook up era!Hollanov where Shane doesnt tell Ilya that’s he’s actually allergic to Ilya’s shampoo and/or body wash because they have almond oil in them. Firstly it’s unsexy to interrupt mid post-fuck/blowjob shower to be like um actually can I check the ingredients, and secondly it’s very sexy to smell like his secret hookup, even if it’s just for the uber home before he takes another shower with his hypoallergenic stuff, and even if he does already have hives forming.

Plus maybe the hives are even a little sexy to him! They don’t dare leave hickies or anything so it’s his own way of carrying the memory for a few days. Being itchy can be sexy if you’re down bad enough!!

[penandinkprincess]

This isnt so much an ask as a wordvomit but do you have any more thoughts on Baby Shane fused with Shallergies?? Just little five year old Shane so so small in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask because some dipshit great aunt gave him peanut brittle. Old home video of toddler Shane’s hospital room because that’s where they’re stuck watching the metros win the Cup and that little boy is already the worlds hockey fan. David just wanted to film his son’s reaction and it doesn’t kill him at ALL that he’s waving around tiny arms that are trailing IV lines. It’s the last time the metros win in until Shane does and he maintains for years it’s because he drank a mango coconut smoothie. yes he understands the coconut will kill him now but not the mango!! Maybe it’s the mango that’s magic. Maybe if he eats another mango the metros will win the Stanley cup this year.

*choking words out around tears* hey so what the fuck-

[giveemhales]

Ik Shane is canonically Cosmo’s hottest man in the league and in fanon he is widely agreed to be the most attractive player by other players and fans alike. But I think Shane loses his mind a little bit over this. Like he’s by no means insecure about his looks and knows he’s attractive. But he is baffled that Ilya is not viewed as the most attractive player. He is happy to use it as chirping material against Ilya but the longer it goes on, the more ?????? he becomes.

Like this is a man who Shane gets hard from just looking at him showering or playing hockey or existing. He’s like okay so we have a Greek statue come to life and we are going to pretend he isn’t the hottest man alive. Okay. Am I being pranked? Is this a joke? Have you seen his ass? What is wrong with you people?!

I think once they are out and married, and Shane is once again voted hottest man in the league (or specifically hotter than Ilya), he crashes out about it online. He’s saying the vote was rigged and he’s telling people (who are complimenting him) to delete their account. He’s replying to his most vocal supporters, “but have you considered this” with the gif of ilya winking. He’s calling for a recount. And everyone is like wait… is Shane Hollander, most competitive man alive, mad that he won something?

Little do they know that he is competing with Ilya for who has the sexiest husband and the world is sabotaging him for some reason wtf

[future-demiurge]

Hollanov agree to record their wedding as a personal video diary of the day.

Shane’s surprisingly quite relaxed. He’s confident in their relationship, excited to be married, and knows that even if something goes wrong, it doesn’t matter, because at the end of the day he’ll be with Ilya.

Ilya is stressed. He keeps crying. This is the best day of his life. Shane deserves better, why would the greatest man on earth want him. He’s never been happier. Something’s gonna go wrong, he knows it. Bood, Troy, and Sveta have to keep calming him down and reminding him that Shane loves him and they deserve to be happy together. He locks himself in the bathroom.

Shane’s getting dressed with Hayden, JJ, and Rose, sipping champagne, feet up as he waits for the ceremony to start.

Once they manage to coax Ilya out of the bathroom, David comes in and does his canon speech about Ilya being his second son. The waterworks start again.

David then checks on Shane. “At least you’re doing okay.” “…. i-is Ilya not doing okay?” “Don’t worry about it, have another flute.”

[himbomarleau]

There's a fake dick pic that's floating around the internet that's supposedly Ilya's and the Raiders are all laughing and passing the phone around. They ask Ilya if it's real and he says "Ask your mom". Marleau leans over to take a peak and says "That's not Roz's. His is bigger"

They high five.

[escapepodding]

It would be really funny if Ilya's bachelor party takes on mythic status because of his reputation, with tonnes of rumours and people saying there's nothing on social media because people had to sign NDAs, only for it to never have happened. Too many people joked about throwing him the wildest party ever and he spent the time in between the season ending and the wedding ducking and weaving plans because he was NOT jeopardising this! He is not waking up just before marrying Shane in another country, in jail, or drunkenly married to someone else! He just wants to marry the love of his life so bad he's not even waiting to order chairs, STAY AWAY FROM HIM!!!

[argillaforma]

shane coming home after hanging out with rose's gay friends, looking like a sad puppy: ilya...i don't think they liked me...they called me a cunt all evening

ilya, well versed in queer culture: sweetheart they said you were cunty which is very different i promise they loved you

[sunsglue]

hollanov i am fond of u 🫰🏻

[penandinkprincess]

given how much ilya enjoys being shirtless at home, i have a very dear image in my mind of hollanov babby copying papa and also having their lil tummy out as often as possible. literally gets home and shirt comes off IMMEDIATELY. tiny backpack off round lil tummy OUT. ilya did briefly try keeping his shirt on at all times because they were trying to teach babby "hey. we gotta wear clothes." but shane finally just let him return to his natural state because he did have the energy of a cat trapped in a t-shirt and at a certain point it was just sad to watch. babby knows pants stay on, and they're calling it good enough.

[wingsseni]

"somewhere in the future ilya wakes up one day and randomly decides to get a buzzcut and then their kids can't stop touching his head cause it feels soft"

"meanwhile shane going through the 5 stages of grief over his curls"

another doodle, paired with something i tweeted last month <3

[argillaforma]

the whole boston team knowing about montreal jane and they think that ilya rozanov who can pull any girl he wants must have found a real baddie the way he keeps coming back for more and then hard cut to shane hollander on a friday night drinking tea and reading the same hockey book for the fourth time who when ilya texts him asking what are you wearing? texts back my new organic cotton pj set and ilya texts back i'm so hard tell me more

[regainingparadise]

When #myshane retires, he doesn’t go into coaching or podcasting or whatever.

He becomes a consultant who shitty teams trying to not suck, good teams who want to last further into the playoffs, great teams who want to finally win the cup, call to Fix Them.

He is paid absolutely bonkers amounts of money to watch a team play for five minutes and immediately diagnose what’s wrong with them. He is always right.

Ok 5 minutes is probably an exaggeration. The coaches send him a bunch of tape to review in advance. They probably focus on their best players or the ones they think need the most improvement, but half the time Shane requests more, focusing on players they hadn’t paid much attention to before. Then one day at practice, the players look up into the stands and are filled with awe, terror, and wonder, because Shane Hollander is sitting there staring directly at them with a scarily thoughtful look on his face.

He meets with the coaches and gm and reports his conclusions. Who to trade and for who , how to get better results from certain players, how to run power plays and penalty kills, changes in line makeups.

Some lucky players get to meet with him. He takes about five minutes to list off or demonstrate everything they need to do to stop sucking. He has no time for chit chat or hero worship. Focus, listen, learn, and do exactly what he says and you will be good. Fail to do what he says and you will shame your entire bloodline.

I think that, if he’s not the one actually playing, this would be a dream job. It involves Knowing Things About Hockey, Judging Shitty Hockey Players, Getting Recognized As The Best at Hockey, Being Correct, and Making Hockey Better. He should get to do all these things

[queerboyaquarium]

thinking about babyilya getting into irina's makeup while alexei and grigori are out of the house, and she finds him with lipstick smeared all over and around his mouth, and he says "mama look! am i pretty?" and she says "yes, ilyusha, you are beautiful" but she has to get it off his face before grigori and alexei come home. he doesn't understand why he can't keep it on ("but you said i was pretty, i want to be pretty like you mama" "you are, malyshka, but you cannot do this again. makeup is for mama. you can't let papa ever see you with makeup") but he doesn't try her makeup again.

thinking also about ilya remembering this one day, and sveta is ecstatic and helps him go makeup shopping, and teaches him how to put it on right. and shane walks into the bedroom while he's putting on lipstick, and he once again finds himself caught with makeup. and he tries to play it cool but he's kinda freaking out what if he doesn't like it does he think it's weird does he think I'M weird, but all his worries are quickly proven wrong when shane rushes across the room to kiss him

[normal-about-hollanov]

it is a league wide known fact that you do Not Ask Hollanov For Romantic Advice. it is just common knowledge. not because they aren't a lovely couple. they definitely are. but to get there they spent a decade putting themselves and each other into emotional saw traps. they're winning the best couple award hands down. but they forget their trophy room is also full to the brim of 'most criminally insane situationship' medals and 'longest running what are we' certificates.

[northernsunsets]

Thoughts on a new brother

[needyilyarights]

You know how in lady and the tramp, lady calls her owners darling and Jim dear bc that’s what she hears them call each other?

anyway anya calls her owners asshole and little slut