That Joke Blog

Hi there all, My name is Ben AKA the hat man, im 20 now...... i should probably be responsible and stuff......, taken, student and unemployed stand up comedian. This blog is there to keep me distracted and you lot entertained.... and who says Tumblr isnt a waste of time? For that matter who says the British have no sense of humor?

[tastefullyoffensive]

[pandaaamonium14]

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral… _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[skrillcholas-cage]

oh my god these are great

[princemetalthunder]

fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes

[winchester-with-a-wormstache]

In love with this video

[katiecotugno]

I actually cried from happiness watching this. HUMANS! MOVIES! THE INTERNET! DANCING!

[thatjokeblog]

this is actually lovely

[quotetherobot]

So my senior friends wanted to do one thing before they graduated…

[stellavee-deactivated20211009]

omg

[whatisunthinkableisundoable-dea]

I have watched this 15 times and I need more

[lazy-vulcan]

[shirt-haver]

You don’t even need to carry on

[thatjokeblog]

this pretty well sums up his contibution to the leaders debate id say

[mysweetsweetlittlepill]

My ABC challenge

Hello all.

A great fundraising scheme has been launched that provides a chance for people to challenge themselves, promote a healthy lifestyle, and is also a chance to raise a hella lot of money for Cancer research.

This cause has affected many; the spectrum of sufferers both directly and indirectly due to cancer is unfathomable and having been ripped apart by the disease itself I want to do anything to help the pursuit of a cure. Thus, let me introduce you to the Dryathalon scheme.

For one month, all dryathletes vow not to consume any alcohol for the entirety of January in 2015. However, not being a recurrent drinker myself, I have extended this challenge: for a whole six months I will not consume Alcohol, Biscuits, Chocolate or crisps (or chips for those across the pond). My ABC challenge. 

The donation page is only open for the month challenge so I don’t expect any extended donations please; instead what I have decided to do is, after the first month, any money that I have saved from not indulging in my treats I will give to charity myself ^^ 

Thank you for reading, i’m not expecting any donations but perhaps a promotion for the cause! It would be brilliant if we could get word around and even inspire others to join in too! 

Holly x

[thatjokeblog]

My Friend is doing a thing! if you can, please help the thing! its a good thing!

[susielesbian]

girl scouts are letting in trans* girls and letting girls replace God with whatever they want in the pledge, also they use cookie income to support abortion and LGBT agendas

boy scouts are just now allowing gays in, officially in january, but gay leaders are still banned and they’re talking about segregation on camping trips, with gays and straights in different tents. also they still ban atheists,

girl scouts: 10000   boy scouts: 0

[thatjokeblog]

In Britain (and most of the rest of the world) the scouts accept Boys and Girls, recently the rule changed that you can be of whatever religion including none at all. At the group where i am a Leader we have a broad spectrum of individuals including those who associate with LGBT from both the youth members and adult leaders.It is the policy of the scout association to accept all people into the association regardless of the sexual orientation. Simple fact, scouting is for all, so long as you want to be a part of the organisation to help each other then you are welcome. Short version: Boy scouts of America! get your act together!

[thatjokeblog]

Joke

Last night my sister was attacked by a bunch of mime artists. They did unspeakable things to her.

[thatjokeblog]

Joke

I spent some time at the mother in law's grave earlier. She's not dead, she thinks I'm digging a pond.

[thatjokeblog]

Joke

Fantastic news! Apple have introduced a watch that can make phone calls. Should be a great accessory to go with the iPhone that I use to tell the time....

[thatjokeblog]

Joke

I donated some sperm at the weekend. Unfortunately the girls holding the charity bucket didn't seem too impressed...

[thatjokeblog]

Joke

So i was at a wedding the other day and someone yelled "Too all the married men, please stand beside the one person who has made your life worth living!" 

the bartender was crushed to death......

[thatjokeblog]

Joke

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over. The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick. He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot. They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'

[thatjokeblog]

Joke

One of my mates is a transexual. All he wants to do is to eat, drink and be Mary.

[thatjokeblog]

Joke

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

[thatjokeblog]

Joke

It's the wife's birthday soon. When I asked what she wanted for a present she said, "Any Apple product should do." Just bought 2 tins of Strongbow in Tesco - result!