The Burned Library

[the-burned-library]

We post about RAMCOA, TBMC, DID, and C-PTSD. This is a venting account, and we talk a lot about our trauma here. Several trigger warnings come with that, like CSA, rape, child abuse, child torture, programming, conditioning, coercion, abuse, addiction, self harm, and suicidal urges/attempts.

We take (respectful) questions. We do not give personal information (where we live, our current legal name, etc). DMs are off, if you want to chat privately you can send me your discord in asks/comments (We are very open to genuine friends). We have a lot of fictives, please be respectful of that.

We have autism, c-ptsd, and adhd as well as hc-did.

Uhhh idk how to end the post hope u like the blog ig

Goodnight yall it's late as hell

[pilotofstarshipfables]

For survivors of CSA specifically: I don’t give a damn how “outlandish” or “unbelievable” your experience was. Abusers know damn well what they are doing and will purposefully add weird shit to mess with your head and muddy the waters.

If it was someone who “loved you and could never” I believe you.

If it was deemed to be “too out there” I believe you

If you were in a cult where that was “normal” I believe you

If it was a one time event from a stranger I believe you

If it was a woman who hurt you I believe you

If you’re a guy who gets told that you “should have fought” or “must have wanted it” I believe you

No child deserves this kind of pain, no adult should have to bury that hurt inner child.

[the-burned-library]

I am realizing that certain symptoms of our other disorders are not... organic. They were programmed into us and now I can't be sure if we fully fit the criteria for those other disorders or not. It's really confusing and I don't know what to think and I feel crazy.

Does anyone else experience this?

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

It's always "stop harming yourself or we'll have to lock you up!!!" and never "what do you need to change to want to harm yourself less and how can we help you make some of these changes?" and that's why we're not getting anywhere

[the-burned-library]

I did some of the worst self harm I ever did in a locked ward and I told the people who sent me there that this would wind up being the case.

It took me nearly ending my life for anyone to believe that locking me up four times in one year WASNT HELPING.

I desperately need this to stop being people's idea of "getting someone help". Stop calling the cops on people who harm themselves/express suicidal thoughts. Stop telling unsafe people in the name of "saving" someone. Stop threatening someone with what is basically incarceration for the crime of being ill (because yes, it is a threat.)

[the-burned-library]

Do therapists even get trained in RAMCOA or HC-DID? Is that a thing they learn about? It's so unbelievably complex, I don't know how anyone would even begin to learn about it.

[the-burned-library]

We keep getting these really sharp headaches that keep us awake after researching RAMCOA. I can't even figure out if it's connected or if we just get tense and our body is stupid about it.

[the-burned-library]

God my fucking head hurts. Our gatekeeper just kinda left me at front unchecked which like. Sure? Fine I guess? Probably wasn't supposed to do that but it's not like I'm gonna hurt anything.

I need to go to bed or something but Im not tired at all. Im so pissed off.

[the-burned-library]

things are bad and we are scared

[the-burned-library]

im realizing some things and i feel like im actually going to vomit why is there so much involved in this i cant handle this

[the-burned-library]

love when a prog goes off and you wake up an hour later absolutely fucking baffled and with a huge headache like hello wtf

i hate this i hate being programmed this sucks

[the-burned-library]

can tumblr stop shoving religious ads in my face thanks its sending me into psychosis

[the-burned-library]

TW TW TW RELIGIOUS THEMES, SACRIFICE, BLOOD MENTION, SELF HATRED, TRAUMA VENT, ETC ETC.

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I am a bad sacrifice but they keep bringing me back anyway. They put the rope around my neck to lead me forward and I kick and bite and struggle because I am not ready to die and I do not want to die and I have died a thousand times already and isn't it enough? My blood stains their altar as it always has and it is not enough. My blood stains my white clothes as it always has and it is not enough. It flows from my throat and it chokes me and I can spill my guts at the point of a blade all I want and it is not enough because they do not care and you can't make something care about you. Especially not you, because you are worthless. You were born wrong and that justifies what they've done, what they will always do.

And when you finally run away you never, ever, feel safe again because you have been killed over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and o

[the-burned-library]

It's raining outside right now. We've always liked rain. It makes us feel comforted.

[the-burned-library]

Literally no one can piss you off more than someone who knows exactly what you hate about yourself fucking fuck me and fuck them too actually. Fuck everybody.

[the-burned-library]

Also related to my last post just never being able to process anything fucking sucks. We can't process normally (probably due to autism or something) and no matter how many times we go over it, we're still stuck with the same feelings as the first time. And if it's not that, we just get numb to it rather than actually getting through the issues. We can't get over ANYTHING and it's kind of driving us crazy.

[the-burned-library]

I feel like nobody talks about continuing to split introjects with unresolved trauma because you can't process your own so you just keep splitting the same type of person over and over and it never goes anywhere so you're in an endless loop of stagnant pain for several years on end.

[inkwhelp]

people who are gay: yeah i’m gay

people who are straight: yeah i’m straight

people who are aroace: have you seen project hail mary