Angie Bee's reviews, meta, and fiction @theangiebee - Tumblr Blog

~*~DIVE INTO THE WORLDS OF ANGIE BEE~*~

To see all of Angie Bee’s books, check out her Blurb profile. For more details on each specific title — covering the gamut from modern updates of Greek mythology, supernatural noirs, paranormal road trip adventures, queer Western fantasy/romance, and swashbuckling lady pirates — click the READ MORE below!

#writers on tumblr #LGBTQ #hazeldine #the lito #weird USA #sink or swim #sorry we're dead #novels #greek mythology #westerns #romance #fantasy #pirates #noir

zombeesknees

The second Sorry, We're Dead is now available as an ebook! Yes, this is a sequel, but it's also a fully standalone, 2-case mystery in its own right: Virgil's case involves a coven of witches accused of a murder-by-hex, and War's focuses on helping a mummy reclaim his grave goods from a greedy British archaeologist. There are Fae mobsters! An orphan with a criminal past! A helpful sphinx, a laconic leprechaun, and a huli jing wedding to plan!

NOTE!: This is a fully updated edition, too! Buy the ebook here!

#sorry we're dead #sorry we're dead: clover and curses

EBOOK NOW AVAILABLE!

In a town where the noises in the night aren’t always gunshots, some cases require investigators who are more than human. When a literal femme fatale, the zombie slayer Abigail Laveau, hires werepanther private eye Virgil Meriweather to find her missing sister, it’s not long before he’s mixed up with all sorts of underworld figures — voodoo bokors, werewolves, zombies, and even a Mexican death god...

Meanwhile, Virgil’s partner, vampire Warrenwick Gam, has his own hands full after he saves a suicidal secretary. Are Nora Donovan’s nightmares the result of trauma, magic — or something else entirely? Can a bloodthirsty vampire actually help a girl with the face of an angel?

When things bump in the night, Gam and Meriweather bump back.

Kindle | Nook | The casting!

#sorry we're dead #writers on tumblr #vampires #werewolves #zombies #noir

THE B-LIST: MISUNDERSTOOD MONSTERS — 7 BEASTIES THAT WEREN’T SO BAD

“Since childhood, I’ve been faithful to monsters. I’ve been saved and absolved by them, because monsters are the patron saints of our blissful imperfections.” — Guillermo del Toro

(Preemptive SPOILER ALERT! Here on out there will be spoilers aplenty, so proceed with caution.)

It’s the most wonderful time of the year: October! And you know what that means — I’ll be focusing on all the things that bump in the night/on the silver screen (not that I need an excuse to do that, of course, but this time of the year it’s traditional).

Since I’ve devoted recent ink to genuinely nasty creatures, I’m changing course with this List by focusing on a few creepies who are much nicer than they seem at first glance.

The “monster with a heart of gold” story is probably as old as fiction itself. The fairy tale of “Beauty and the Beast” verifiably goes back several centuries, but I’m 100% positive early humans were telling a variation of it in fire-lit caves.

As stories go, it’s one of the juicier set-ups. Plenty of marginalized communities over the years have seen themselves in the Beast (or in Belle). And it’s a good message to teach kids: to not immediately fear something just because it’s “monstrous”; to judge someone by their actions rather than just their appearance.

From “Gargoyles” to “Being Human”, there are hundreds of shows, books and movies that’ve mined gold from the premise of “monster that just wants to be happy, be helpful, and live unharmed”.

Then there’s my boy Guillermo del Toro, of course, who’s built his entire career on monster-loving; this List could just be a ranking of my favorite del Toro Monster Heroes, but I’ve shown a downright admirable amount of restraint in picking just one.

I’ve also tried to cover the gamut of kinds of monsters, too, choosing a couple from projects that aren’t even classified as horror, starting with:

1. THE SKRULLS OF “CAPTAIN MARVEL”

When the Skrulls — shape-shifting aliens that can mimic anyone, and have scaly green goblin faces when not disguised — were first introduced in the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU), everyone knew they were baddies. Because a) that’s what the heroic Kree said they were, and b) because those already familiar with Marvel comics knew they were often villains.

Also, Ben Mendelsohn played the primary Skrull, Talos, and that guy is always playing Bad Dudes.

But “Captain Marvel” flipped the narrative by revealing that it was the Kree who were waging a genocidal, fascist war, and the Skrulls were refugees just fighting to survive/reunite with their families. It was one of the better twists the MCU has pulled off and led to some thrilling heroics with genuine stakes.

2. THE GHOSTS OF “CRIMSON PEAK”

Heroine (and Mary Shelley’s spiritual twin) Edith has seen ghosts all her life, starting with her own mother. So it doesn’t come entirely as a shock when she encounters more spooks at Crimson Peak, the decaying mansion she moves into after her marriage to Thomas Sharpe in Guillermo del Toro’s Gothic fantasy.

And while the ghosts of “Crimson Peak” are undeniably horrifying, with their elongated limbs, raw red skin, gory wounds and faces twisted by the pain they suffered, they’re figures of pity rather than terror. They’re trying to warn Edith, not harm her, and can’t help their monstrous appearance.

3. FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER

God, this poor Creature (also sometimes known as Adam, or the Modern Prometheus). He just can’t catch a decent break. No matter what book or movie or TV show you pick, he’s always made (quite literally) to suffer.

But he never asked to be created! All he’s ever wanted is what any child wants: to be loved, accepted, taught, treated like a person. Thanks to his dang deadbeat dad, all he ever gets is abuse and trauma and neglect. So it’s only natural that he might lash out or commit a murder or two…

(Yes, I’m a firm Frankenstein’s Monster Apologist. The boy has never done anything wrong on purpose.)

All that being said: nine times out of ten, the Creature truly does have a good heart and noble intentions; like in “Van Helsing” or “The Monster Squad” (perhaps my fave incarnation of Frankie, because he actually gets to have some decent friends for a while).

4. SLOTH OF “THE GOONIES”

Some may protest at my inclusion of Sloth in this list, since he’s a human with deformities rather than an actual monster — I absolutely mean no offense, but Sloth is introduced as a boogeyman figure, draped with chains in a dark basement and scaring the titular kids with his fearsome roaring. He’s very clearly initially framed as a monster in this kids’ adventure flick.

And, as is so often the case with these Monsters With Hearts of Gold, the true monsters are revealed to be the “normal” humans; in this case Sloth’s mother and brothers, the criminal Fratellis. By facing down his abusive family, taking a stand for both himself and his newfound friends, Sloth becomes just as heroic as his personal hero, Superman — and finds a new family in the process.

5. “THE IRON GIANT”

Speaking of Superman: this titular alien robot from space could have become a world destroyer, given his laser guns and massive size. That’s what paranoid government agent Kent Mansley, the true antagonist of this underrated animated classic, expects.

But when he instead meets a young boy named Hogarth (yes, Hogarth), his childlike wonder is encouraged and he learns “you are who you choose to be”, leading to him emulating Superman and intercepting a missile before it can destroy his new friends.

(And yes, I still cry every dang time. Even thinking about it makes me tear up. Dang noble giants voiced by Vin Diesel…)

6. THE CRAB OF “LOVE AND MONSTERS”

“Love and Monsters” is a fun little creature feature/post-apocalyptic quest/sci-fi adventure flick that I feel nobody else has seen. It didn’t help that it was released during the first year of the pandemic; it deserves to develop a cult following in the coming years.

The story follows Joel, a survivor of a nuclear apocalypse that resulted in cold-blooded creatures (insects, reptiles, amphibians, etc.) mutating into giant monsters. Joel was separated from his girlfriend Aimee in the early days of this madness, and now lives in an underground bunker with other survivors who are all paired up. Afraid he’ll die alone, Joel sets out to reconnect with Aimee, battling various monsters along the way.

To paraphrase the Bard, the course of love never did run smooth, though, and Joel and Aimee’s reunion is somewhat soured by a double-cross that sees them fighting off a giant crab on a beach.

But thanks to his experiences, Joel has learned that not all monsters are hostile — “you can always tell in their eyes” — and by freeing the crab from its electrified leash, he saves them and unleashes righteous vengeance on the double-crosser. Gotta love when that happens.

7. BUB OF 1985’s “DAY OF THE DEAD”

Ah, Bub! My sweet cheese, my good-time boy, my literally rotten soldier! I saved my fave for last — if you’ve yet to watch the third installment in George Romero’s “Dead” series, stop reading this right now and go rectify that. “Day” may not be quite as good as the more-lauded “Dawn of the Dead”, but it’s still a fantastic zombie flick with some of the GREATEST practical effects ever seen on film (thank you, Tom Savini and Greg Nicotero).

…Okay, now that we’ve all seen this, we can agree that Bub is a delight, right? Truly one of the best zombies ever created. In a story where the humans have devolved into violent madmen or fallen into suicidal apathy and depression, Bub is one of the brightest lights in the whole thing, no exaggeration.

The wonder on his face when he hears music! The joy he expresses when he sees Dr. Logan! Bub is such a Good, Good Boy, who likes doing his little tests, who grieves with his whole body, and who actively seeks justice in a world fallen into chaos. Howard Sherman’s performance is just fantastic.

Unlike the brainless, destructive zombies of every film that came before, Bub has a soul. He’s regained his free will, transcending the monster label. Without a doubt, he’s the most human character in the entire film, an undead creature we unabashedly root for — and shambling proof that not all heroes have pulses.

(This column originally ran in The Times.)

#captain marvel #crimson peak #frankenstein #the goonies #the iron giant #love and monsters #day of the dead #beauty and the beast #marvel #guillermo del toro #george romero #zombies #the b list #the times

THE B-LIST: 5 OF THE MOST MONSTROUS VAMPS

“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” sailed into theaters last month, and will no doubt be streaming on Peacock this spooky season — perfect timing for an isolation thriller built around one of the most harrowing chapters of “Dracula”.

As we all know by now, in space no one can hear you scream, but that’s also true at sea. Being trapped on a ship leagues away from land with a bloodsucking beast has to be one of the most horrific scenarios I can imagine. There’s no escape, no hope, as your shipmates are picked off one-by-one.

And the “Alien” comparison doesn’t end there, because this version of Dracula isn’t the sophisticated, suit-wearing dandy Bela Lugosi or Gary Oldman would have us expect. No, this Drac, played by monster movie maestro Javier Botet, is a thing of nightmares. Blending the classic “Nosferatu” look with demonic bat details and corpse-white skin makes for one of the creepiest takes on a vampire yet.

Now, as a lifelong fan of vampires, I’ll concede that I enjoy a romantic vamp when it’s done well. I do like a conflicted, tragic bloodsucker like Louis of “Interview With the Vampire” (and his far less conflicted, absolute brat of a boyfriend, Lestat) and tortured detective Nick Knight of “Forever Knight”, so desperate for absolution.

I adore endearing idiot vampires like the crew of “What We Do in the Shadows” (both the film and the series). Gary Oldman’s beguiling Drac absolutely sinks his teeth into me with “Bram Stoker’s Dracula”, and the punk aesthetic of “The Lost Boys” is tons of fun.

But the breed of vampire I love the most is probably always going to be the nasty, gross, horrifying, truly monstrous vamp. The ones with appalling table manners and atrocious hygiene, who could never seduce or charm, who prove that sometimes immortality comes at too high of a price. One look at these vamps, and your blood curdles.

5. “FROM DUSK TIL DAWN” (1996)

Okay, sure: the vampires in this Quentin Tarantino/Robert Rodriguez flick initially look like humans, and some of those vampires are pretty dang gorgeous (Salma Hayek is perfectly cast as a paranormal being/evil goddess, considering her beauty is supernatural).

But once the fangs come out, that all changes, as these vamps — also called culebras in continuations of the franchise — become downright reptilian.

This movie is hyper-violent, frequently gross (it’s Tarantino, so of course there’s foot stuff) and often crass (there’s a character literally called Sex Machine). But blending Mexican/Aztec details into the vampire design and mythos is really, really cool. Leaning more towards snakes than bats makes for a unique twist on a monster that’s literally been done to death. And if you like your vampire movies very bloody and gooey, this one’s a must-see.

(Sidenote: The TV series adaptation that ran for three seasons is a much slicker, more polished, and far more interesting reboot, and I honestly prefer it to the original film. But the culebras are also less monstrous, which is a bummer.)

4. “DAYBREAKERS”

If you haven’t seen this underrated gem yet, I highly recommend you do so immediately. In a world where the vast majority of the population has become vampires, the remaining humans (and their blood) are an extremely valuable commodity. Especially when vampires who don’t consume enough blood devolve into “subsiders”, rabid, deformed bat-like creatures.

This is an action-packed horror film built around scarcity issues, which will feel even more relevant in our current COVID-plagued, climate-collapsing world. The neo-noir aesthetics are fantastic. Sam Neill dominates as the primary baddie. Willem Dafoe plays against type as a human rebelling against the vampire status quo (lol).

And those subsiders are both scary and pitiful, equal parts ravenous creatures of the night and tragic victims of both disease and societal ills.

3. “NOSFERATU” / “SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE” / “NOSFERATU THE VAMPYRE”

I can’t talk about monstrous bloodsuckers and not tip the hat to my boy Nossie (aka Count Orlok), the OG of Nasty Vampires. As portrayed by Max Schreck (the 1922 original), Willem Dafoe (“Shadow”) and Klaus Kinski (“The Vampyre”), Orlok has become so influential that any vamp that even slightly resembles him — bald, extremely pale, long-fingered, rat-like fangs, pointed ears — is usually called a “Nosferatu vampire”.

Orlok is so obviously unnatural that no one in their right mind would approach him; the only reason he can get away with using folks as his own personal juiceboxes is because he’s rich and titled, just proving humans will ignore a LOT of red flags in pursuit of money and acclaim. Definitely some commentary on class issues right there, even beyond the obvious “rich sucking the life from the poor to maintain their way of life” thing.

2. “30 DAYS OF NIGHT”

Vampires are typically associated with bats for obvious reasons: there’s an actual blood-drinking bat in nature and vamps can often fly (with wings, by levitation, or by transforming into literal bats). Thanks to Tarantino and Rodriguez, they’re also sometimes reptilian or snake-like.

But you know what’s another great animal perfect for vampire comparisons? One that can smell blood from a mile away? A shark. And “30 Days of Night” gave us some killer shark vamps, with their soulless eyes that Quint from “Jaws” would absolutely call “dead, doll’s eyes”, their rows of serrated teeth and their fish-belly pallor.

Outwardly, at first glance, the “Night” vamps still look human. But get a better look at their oddly elongated faces, their clawed hands, and the Uncanny Valley aspect of them makes them truly terrifying. Any time something looks human but is just a little bit off, oof, that’s some prime horror fodder right there. And these merciless hunters are some of the most threatening monsters I’ve seen in film.

1. “BLADE II” / “THE STRAIN”

If you’re a long-time reader or know me at all, you had to expect I’d give Guillermo del Toro’s vamps top billing. But it’s not just because of personal bias, I swear! Del Toro’s vamps just remain the coolest, most monstrous take on the creature to date!

First seen in “Blade II”, and then refined and made even more horrifying in the book/TV series “The Strain”, del Toro’s vamps initially look like the now standard Nosferatu breed: bald, pale, pointy eared.

But then they open their mouths…

And they just keep opening them…

Until their entire face splits apart (UGH!), revealing a toothy tentacle tongue and broken jaws that now become clutching vises that latch onto their prey. In the case of “The Strain” vamps, those bitten aren’t just infected with a vampiric disease via saliva and blood — they’re also injected with worms (DOUBLE UGH!) that carry the undead virus.

These vampires quickly lose all vestiges of humanity, and that includes hair, ears, noses and certain other, ahem, parts that literally fall off their bodies. Due to the restructuring of their mouths and throats, almost all of these vamps lose the ability to speak and are reduced to hive-mind creatures driven only to feed, who communicate via rudimentary telepathy.

It’s one of the most drastic and terrible transformations I’ve come across in all of my horror reading/watching, and is definitely the nastiest way to become a vampire. Del Toro firmly nailed the coffin shut on the idea of the romantic bloodsucker with these creatures, setting a bar so high I doubt anyone will ever surpass him.

(This column originally ran in The Times.)

#vampires #blade 2 #30 days of night #the strain #nosferatu #daybreakers #from dusk till dawn #guillermo del toro #the b list #the times #the last voyage of the demeter #dracula

THE B-LIST: WHEN LADIES GO WILD (AND HAIRY)

“There are hardly any female werewolves because they break all the classic rules of femininity. They ignore the masculine gaze completely. Their omission from pop culture is not an accident.” – faeriesfang on Tumblr.

It really is an absolute crime that there aren’t more lady werewolves in horror. It feels like such a no-brainer — I mean, women couldn’t possibly relate to a creature heavily influenced by the moon, that undergoes painful, bloody, physical symptoms and powerful cravings once a month, right?

*Stares directly into the camera.*

While we absolutely need more lady werewolves in fiction, there are some great ones already out there. Today, a look at six of the hairiest, toothiest gals out there, starting with:

6. “CURSED”

Siblings Ellie (iconic goth gal Christina Ricci) and Jimmy (Jesse Eisenberg) are scratched by a very big dog after a car accident, and soon after the pair find themselves undergoing some unusual changes. A fortune teller informs Ellie that the only way to break the curse they’re now under is to “end the line” of the werewolf that attacked them, alluding to the original “Wolf Man” story.

Now, I’m not about to claim that this Wes Craven film is an especially good movie; thanks to that age-old bogeyman known as Studio Interference, the project was woefully mismanaged and butchered in order to turn an R-rated story into a PG-13 one. Special effects maestro Rick Baker was actually fired (*gasp!*) and his physical effects replaced by CGI (BLASPHEMY!).

All of that being said: “Cursed” is still pretty solid werewolf-based entertainment, and is worth watching at least once, if just for one of the greatest werewolf scenes of all time:

5. TOBY BARLOW’S “SHARP TEETH”

Told through prose that’s equal parts clever and beautiful, like a modern-day Dante’s “Inferno”, “Teeth” is the story of Anthony, a lonely dog-catcher, who unwittingly stumbles into a territorial dispute between three packs of werewolves hiding in plain sight in the modern human world.

But it isn’t just Anthony’s story: we also get “her” perspective, an unnamed she-wolf who falls for Anthony and has to navigate her new love with her old pack allegiances.

“Sharp Teeth” won a slew of awards in 2009, but I never hear it mentioned these days. If you’re looking for a unique take on the werewolf mythos, this is a quick and poignant read perfect for the spooky season.

4. “TRICK ‘R TREAT”

This anthology film is a Halloween staple for me, and the “Surprise Party” segment may be my favorite bit of it. Twentysomething Laurie (Anna Paquin) is enjoying the town’s Halloween festival until her friends pick up dates and take off without her.

As she walks through the woods in her Red Riding Hood costume, a man suddenly attacks her. But unfortunately for him, this Red Riding Hood has some very big teeth to show him…

I love me a good trope, but I also love when a trope is inverted. And it’s such fun watching a damsel in distress become the big bad wolf, thwarting expectations with gory glee.

3. “WOLF LIKE ME”

Mary (Isla Fisher), an advice columnist, is a loner with a rather large, matching set of emotional baggage. Gary (Josh Gad) is a single dad still reeling, even seven years later, from the death of his wife. Fate keeps throwing Mary and Gary together.

And while Gary is immediately drawn to the mysterious Mary, and Mary instantly connects with Gary’s daughter Emma, the pair have more than their own personal trauma to overcome: Mary also happens to be a werewolf.

There are a lot of things I really like about this series. I love that it’s set in Australia, which is hardly the first place you think of when you picture “werewolves”.

I like that the supernatural aspects of the story aren’t front-and-center — the primary focus is on the connections between Mary and Gary, Gary and Emma, and Mary and Emma. That Mary is a werewolf is secondary, a bit of extra seasoning for flavor.

And I love that Mary is in her forties; almost every other lady werewolf is a teenager or hot twentysomething, and their sexuality/sexiness is often their dominant feature. Mary is still gorgeous, no question about that, but she’s not depicted solely as a (literal) man-eating seductress.

2. “GINGER SNAPS”

Talk about the worst first period ever: no sooner has teenager Ginger Fitzgerald (Katherine Isabelle) realized she needs a pad when she’s viciously attacked by the animal that’s been mauling the town’s dogs. Ginger and her sister Brigitte (Emily Perkins) escape, but it’s not long before Brigitte notices worrying changes in her sister, both physical and homicidal.

“Ginger Snaps” is an ode to every morbid girl who grew up in the era of Hot Topic and Evanescence. The Fitzgerald sisters were already obsessed with death before lycanthropy ever came into the picture, and seeing how the monstrous infection neatly parallels teenaged angst and the wild swings of puberty and hormones? *Chef’s kiss*

Truly, no one understands horror and feeling monstrous better than a teen girl.

1. ANGUA VON ÜBERWALD, TERRY PRATCHETT’S “DISCWORLD”

Leave it to Sir Terry to create a werewolf that both embraces and subverts all of the typical “rules” of the myth. Introduced in the novel “Men at Arms” as a “diversity hire” for the City Watch — everyone assumes she’s merely the first lady to join the Watch, hardly suspecting that she’s also the first werewolf — Angua is described as a remarkably beautiful blonde (naturally) who has a rather unsettling stare (almost as if she’s contemplating tearing your throat out…).

But she’s also a firm vegetarian desperate to avoid becoming a “humanitarian”, as she puts it. And though she’s fiercely loyal to boyfriend Carrot, and wears her badge on a collar (so much easier, when she has a hard time keeping track of a uniform while on four legs), she’s far more than just a faithful dog.

As someone who constantly straddles the lines between three different cultures — human, canine, and werewolf — Angua is a character that’s been warmly embraced by multiple groups, particularly bisexual and biracial fans.

And her staunch stance against racists and supremacist movements makes her one of Pratchett’s greatest heroes — not to mention my all-time favorite lady werewolf.

(This column originally ran in The Times.)

#werewolves #ginger snaps #trick r treat #wolf like me #cursed #the b list #the times

THE B-LIST: 13 OUT-OF-CHARACTER SURPRISES

For actors, typecasting can be a huge hurdle to overcome. Some resign themselves to it, and build careers in that narrow niche. Robert Knepper, Mark Pellegrino and Giancarlo Esposito have thriving TV careers as baddies everyone loves to hate thanks to natural knacks for menace, while Julia Roberts, with her toothy smile, has held the America’s Sweetheart title for literal decades.

Others become frustrated when they’re reduced to a single kind of character, and spend years fighting to prove themselves capable of more than that one note. The original Superman, George Reeves, became so synonymous with the Kryptonian that he was forced to do advertising appearances and wrestling exhibitions in the costume in order to pay the bills. And we all know how far some former Disney stars will go to shake their squeaky-clean images and play more adult roles…

A few love it: Michelle Rodriguez has often said she’s incredibly happy to always get offered the “badass gal” roles, and Karl Urban is such a scifi/fantasy nerd that he actively seeks out parts in adventure films with geeky fanbases.

And then there are those rare occasions when an actor breaks away from their typical mold and surprises everyone with an unexpectedly great performance. After polling several cinemaphile friends, I’ve gathered a handful of the best examples of this, starting with:

1. Vincent Price in “Laura”.

Price will forever be known as one of the quintessential Kings of Horror. But one of his best performances predates his Hammer and Poe work, and is the absolute antithesis of those sinister roles.

Shelby Carpenter is a smooth-talking Southern playboy who has the spine of a jellyfish; a weak-willed kept man who’s more than happy to propose to Laura while he cashes her aunt’s checks and wines-and-dines a younger model on the side. Seeing Price play a pretty boy lothario was quite a jolt, but the man carried it off with panache.

2. George C. Scott in “The Changeling”.

Best known as a bombastic general (see: “Patton” and “Dr. Stangelove”), Scott impressed me in this creepy little ghost story (not to be confused with the other “Changeling”, starring Angelina Jolie).

Composer John Russell has just lost his wife and young daughter in a tragic accident. Grief-stricken, he moves into a beautiful old house that, unfortunately, is just as haunted as he is. Scott still gets to shout a couple times, but for the most part this is a more nuanced and poignant performance for the old soldier.

3. Louise Fletcher in “Big Eden”.

Fletcher won an Oscar for her portrayal of the cold-hearted Nurse Ratched in “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”, and later solidified her position as the antagonist everyone loves to hate when she played the manipulative religious leader Kai Winn (or Pope Karen, as I like to think of her) in “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine”.

So seeing her as the loving teacher (and lifelong ally to closeted gay artist Henry) Grace Cornwell in “Big Eden” is something of a shock. She helps cook for Thanksgiving! She sings beautifully in the church choir! It’s wonderful to see Fletcher be so grandmotherly.

4. Vinnie Jones in “Galavant”.

Once an aggressive professional footballer in the UK, Jones capitalized on his tough guy image to make the transition into acting, where’s he’s typically an assassin (“Elementary”), a bounty hunter (“Snatch”), or the muscle in a criminal gang (“Gone in 60 Seconds”).

And while he’s still very much a henchman in the fantasy comedy musical series “Galavant” — Gareth is the villainous King Richard’s right-hand, bodyguard and torturer — the role gave Jones the chance to show how incredibly good he is at comedy, including comedy built around song-and-dance numbers. Amazing.

5. James Stewart in “Vertigo”.

Who doesn’t love Jimmy Stewart? For the first half of his career, he was a bashful Everyman, an underdog to root for and a stammering sweetie you just wanted to hug.

But in the latter half of his career, Stewart made a concentrated effort to tarnish his squeaky-clean image, and “Vertigo” definitely achieved that. In the Hitchcock classic, Stewart plays Scottie, a former detective afflicted with acrophobia and vertigo, who becomes obsessed with a woman he’s paid to investigate. Seeing Stewart as a controlling, overbearing obsessive made this psychological thriller even more disturbing.

6. Tom Cruise in “Tropic Thunder”.

Action’s biggest, most bankable star, the guy who’s played scrappy heroes for thirty years, donned a full prosthetic suit and unleashed a volley of coarse profanity in a minor (but memorable) appearance as the uncouth studio exec Les Grossman. Talk about thwarting expectations.

7. Charlize Theron in “Monster”.

Theron has built a solid career as an action star thanks to films like “Mad Max: Fury Road”, “Atomic Blonde” and “The Old Guard”. The South African beauty is undoubtedly talented, but it took playing real-life serial killer Aileen Wuornos to convince the Academy and net her a Best Actress Oscar — according to legendary critic Roger Ebert, her gritty turn as Wuornos is “one of the greatest performances in the history of the cinema”. I have to agree with him.

8. Ralph Fiennes in “The Grand Budapest Hotel”.

He’s played some of the most intimidating villains in cinema: Nazi Amon Göth in “Schindler’s List”, Voldemort in the “Harry Potter” series, Francis Dolarhyde in “Red Dragon”.

Seeing him as the zany Monsieur Gustave, concierge of the famous Grand Budapest Hotel, who romances elderly guests and is framed for the murder of the Hotel’s dowager owner? An absolute hoot. Who could have guessed that such a dignified Brit could flail about so hysterically?

9. Robin Williams in “One Hour Photo”.

On the flip side of the coin: seeing a beloved comedian in a serious — and seriously disturbing — role can be quite a paradigm shift, too. Williams will forever be one of the most beloved funnymen in history. But in “One Hour Photo”, he plays the loner Sy, a photo technician who has spent years obsessed with the “picture perfect” Yorkin family.

Obsessions never end well for anyone involved, and Sy predictably goes too far when his fantasy around the Yorkins is fractured by the real world. It’s a deeply, deeply upsetting but superb performance from Williams (*blows a kiss to the stars*).

10. Melissa McCarthy in “Can You Ever Forgive Me?”.

Here’s another funny(wo)man who makes an impression in a serious role: the typically exuberant McCarthy pulls it in with this restrained performance as real-life writer Lee Israel, who turned to forging letters from deceased actors and authors in order to pay the bills. It’s honestly a bit of a tragic story, and McCarthy’s performance is moving.

11. Will Ferrell in “Stranger Than Fiction”.

I can’t stand 85% of Ferrell’s films. His brand of “overgrown manchild” comedy just doesn’t appeal to me. So it surprises some folks when I mention that “Stranger Than Fiction” is one of my all-time favorite films.

A large reason for that is that Ferrell is actually likable when he’s playing the straightman reacting realistically to bizarre happenings. His Harold Crick is a slightly sad little guy you want to see happy, and I love his dynamic with Maggie Gyllenhaal’s brash baker Ana Pascal.

12. Chris Evans in “Knives Out”.

He’s tall and broad and handsome, with a dimple-producing smile. He’s got that “Hollywood ideal of the boy-next-door” quality. He’s Captain America, for crying out loud.

Which makes it awfully jarring when you meet Ransom Drysdale, a total and unrepentant jerk, the proverbial rich and entitled sociopath who’s willing to go to any lengths to secure his fortune. Not even those fantastic cable-knit sweaters can hide how nasty he is underneath the pretty surface. (And as director Rian Johnson has said, watching Ransom hate dogs is proof of how talented Evans is, since Chris Evans — of course — absolutely adores pooches.)

13. John Turturro in “The Batman”.

Best known for playing off-beat weirdoes (“O Brother, Where Art Thou?” and “The Big Lebowski”, just to name two), you would never expect Turturro to be a convincing tough guy. But his mob boss Carmine Falcone is, honestly, pretty dang intimidating. I buy him as the sort of gangster who maintains a (sometimes literal) stranglehold on his criminal empire.

Just further proof that you can never count out the weirdoes and the folks with real talent — a truly good actor can play almost any role.

(This column originally ran in The Times.)

THE B-LIST: 8 CRYPTIDS YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE HEARD OF

Cryptid (NOUN): an animal (such as Sasquatch or the Loch Ness Monster) that has been claimed to exist, but never proven to exist.

“What’s your favorite cryptid?”

Ask an Average Joe/Josephine on the street that question, and chances are good they’ll name one of the Bad Boys of Cryptozoology, like Bigfoot or Nessie (technically a Bad Girl, but you know what I mean).

In recent years, thanks to the Internet and the Richard Gere film, my personal fave, Mothman, has also become a household name. (As well as a giant statue with buns of literal steel in his hometown of Point Pleasant, West Virginia.)

But there are so many other cryptids that have yet to achieve that sort of rock star status. Fans of the supernatural know them, perhaps, but outside of those circles? They’re unknown as well as unsubstantiated.

So this week, I wanted to shine a little light — *bats away an eager Mothman* — on the best beasties you may not have heard of, starting with:

1. The Loveland Frogman

In its heyday, the little town of Loveland, Ohio, was a hot vacation spot for the wealthy. But nowadays its biggest claim to fame is arguably this amphibious (or perhaps reptilian) creature.

Local folklore says it was first spotted in 1955 by a traveling businessman, who actually saw three Frogmen standing by the side of the road (or perhaps near a bridge). The creatures were between three and four feet tall, with scaly skin and froggy faces; a version of the tale says one of the creatures was holding a wand that emitted sparks (a wizard Frogman)!

However, the most famous tale of the Loveland Frogman dates to 1972, when police officer Ray Shockey sighted the creature crossing the road in front of his car; it then stood erect to climb over a guardrail before disappearing into the river.

Two weeks later, another officer, Mark Matthews, reportedly encountered the creature and shot it dead. According to Matthews, it was merely an iguana (probably an escaped pet) that had lost its tail, which had made immediate identification difficult. Still, the stories of a frog-like creature persist…

2. The Skunk Ape

Florida has become synonymous with the weird and the bizarre, thanks in large part to the viral “Florida Man” memes we all know and laugh at. So it’s only fitting that the state’s biggest cryptid is both strange and a little silly: a giant and extremely odiferous orangutan-like creature that, according to one set of witnesses, steals apples off of porches.

Which may not be the most shocking thing a cryptid has ever done, but at least that proves the Skunk Ape isn’t a carnivore — and far less dangerous than the average Florida Man.

3. The Lizard Man of Scape Ore Swamp

The first sighting of this seven-foot-tall scaly humanoid sure was a dramatic one. Christopher Davis was only 17 in 1988 when he was charged by the creature while changing a tire in South Carolina. The boy managed to escape, but his car sustained damage that backed up his story: a busted side-view mirror and deep claw marks across the metal roof.

Other sightings were reported in the following months, enough to make the local authorities believe something was chasing folks and damaging their cars — but the general consensus was that it had to be a bear. Plaster casts were made of giant three-toed footprints found, but the prints were ultimately deemed “unclassifiable”.

4. The Grootslang

America isn’t the only place teeming with cryptids. The Grootslang/Grote Slang hails from South Africa, and resembles a massive snake. And when I say massive, I mean on par with the Midgard Serpent of Norse mythology, a snake as old as the world itself that’s capable of swallowing elephants — its preferred meal — whole.

The Grootslang lives in the deep caverns honeycombing South Africa, and hoards gemstones like a dragon. Should you encounter one, it’s believed you can use diamonds to bribe them to spare your life, so I suppose any spelunkers in the area had better be extremely wealthy ones…

5. The Lusca

Ariel and her fishy friends make life “under the sea” sound just grand with their highly choreographed musical numbers, but the Lusca is not something you’d want to encounter while snorkeling.

This giant octopus/squid/cuttlefish hybrid guards the blue holes (tidal sinkholes) of the Bahamas, and has reportedly swallowed entire boats whole like the krakens reported by salty sailors of old.

6. Fresno Nightcrawlers

You know what’s really scary?

Pants that walk by themselves.

Fresno Nightcrawlers are among the youngest cryptids out there, having first been caught on a Californian security camera in 2007, and they’re definitely one of the silliest/most harmless.

And I absolutely adore them. Ghostly white, Nightcrawlers truly look like a pair of high-waisted, somewhat puffy pants that decided to go for a slow strut down the street after dark. The video clips that have surfaced of the ambulatory sweats show at least two strolling along together, which is honestly very sweet — a walk is always nicer when you have a friend along to chat with.

(Image source)

7. The Mapinguari

Okay, so picture a sloth.

A really, really big sloth.

No, bigger.

Picture a giant ground sloth, like the kind that (very slowly) roamed the earth during the last Ice Age.

Now make it stand upright. Put a huge, toothy mouth in the middle of its stomach. Turn its feet around so it leaves backwards footprints. Give it reddish fur. Oh, and make it a cyclops with big sticky-out ears.

Ta da! You have a mapinguari, a Brazilian spirit/monster that guards the jungle, sort of like a funnier-looking, hat-less Smoky the Bear.

(Image source.)

8. The Flatwoods Monster

Flatwoods is arguably the most stylish of cryptids, with her massive spade-shaped head, bright red face and eyes, sharp shoulderpads Jem and the Holograms would’ve killed for, and flowing green skirt. Physically imposing, she stood at least 10 feet tall according to some, and yet had dainty clawed hands. If you saw this gal stalking down the catwalk, you’d no doubt be impressed.

Some insist Flatwoods was an alien who crash-landed on a West Virginian farm in 1952, while skeptics believe that the excitable witnesses merely saw a meteorite fall, and then were startled by, and misidentified, a large barn owl in the wake of the event.

All I have to say is, I think it’s quite a leap to go from “barn owl” to “10-foot-tall fashionista”. And that it’s quite fun to picture Flatwoods and Mothman — West Virginia neighbors separated by little more than a decade — on a date at a drive-in, enjoying some popcorn and a schlocky alien flick.

(This column originally ran in The Times.)

#cryptids #flatwoods monster #fresno nightcrawler #loveland frogman #lizard man of scape ore swamp #skunk ape #mapinguari #the b list #the times

theangiebee

H A Z E L D I N E

On the edges of the Wild West, in a remote and rugged area of Wyoming, is a small frontier town: Hazeldine.

The residents are hardy, independent — and rather eccentric. While cowboys patrol the range, tending to cattle and sheep, witches openly sell their wares on Main Street. Shape-shifters prowl the night. The saloon is haunted. Gamblers have magic as well as luck on their side, and the farmers are really in tune with the earth.

It’s a place some are drawn to, like Celeste Preston, a not-so-merry widow on a deadly mission. And it’s a place where everyone can find a place to belong, no matter how many teeth (or fangs, or claws) they have.

Hazeldine is where the weird meets the Old West.

Read my newest novel, full of witches, POC, queer romance, and badass ladies, as I write it; new chapters are uploaded every Monday.

(Part One — The New Arrival) (Part Two — Pests) (Part Three — Books, Rattlesnakes, a Challenge, the Charm) (Part Four — Dinner With the Grubens) (Part Five — Scars and Cherry Pie) (Part Six — An Old-Fashioned Barn-Raising) (Part Seven — Dangerous Passion) (Part Eight — Dancing Lessons) (Part Nine — First-Name Basis) (Part Ten — Lace Gloves and Bergamot) (Part Eleven — Hydrotherapy) (Part Twelve — Let There Be Light) (Part Thirteen — The Former Mrs. Vance) (Part Fourteen — Cry Wolf) (Part Fifteen — Bloodshed and Willow Branches) (Part Sixteen — Solstice Spirits) (Part Seventeen — Storm-Calling) (Part Eighteen — Brutes) (Part Nineteen — Now Hiring) (Part Twenty — Moving Day) (Part Twenty-One — The Confession) (Part Twenty-Two — Homecoming) (Part Twenty-Three — Sleeping Arrangements) (Part Twenty-Four — Cantrips and Doors) (Part Twenty-Five — Auspicious Announcements and Unfair Comparisons) (Part Twenty-Six — Admirers) (Part Twenty-Seven — The Four Scholars) (Part Twenty-Eight — Being Neighborly) (Part Twenty-Nine — Renovations) (Part Thirty — One Last Hand) (Part Thirty-One — The Bank Job) (Part Thirty-Two — Aftermath) (Part Thirty-Three — The Woman With Bones in Her Hair) (Part Thirty-Four — The Awakening of Holly Webster) (Part Thirty-Five — Special Delivery) (Part Thirty-Six — A Peculiar Partnership) (Part Thirty-Seven — Woe Betide) (Part Thirty-Eight — No More Secrets)

Order Hazeldine Volume One here at Blurb.com. Order Hazeldine Volume Two here at Blurb.com. Order Hazeldine Volume Three here at Blurb.com. Order Hazeldine Volume Four here at Blurb.com. Order Hazeldine Volume Five here at Blurb.com.

I hope @noblecharley doesn’t mind me putting their LOVELY tags/endorsement on here (thank you SO MUCH, sweetie, I’m so glad you’re enjoying it!): #Y’ALL #the first volume got delivered to my house this afternoon and I’m already like a third through it #IT’S SO GOOD #pandemic basically ruined my ability to read books #but i can’t put this down! #aka highly recommend

#hazeldine #i know it's been roughly a hundred years BUT i posted a new chapter (in several sections) tonight #novels

THE B-LIST: THEY DON’T ALWAYS COME IN PEACE

(NOTE: The following column was originally written for The Times in 2017. Unfortunately, due to a buy-out and a restructuring of the paper’s website, the original column was lost to the ether, so this is a re-post.)

—

The 40th anniversary of the Wow! signal (Tuesday, Aug. 15) got me thinking about aliens.

Granted, it doesn’t take much to do that. All that separates me from Fox Mulder is gender, an Oxford degree, and the FBI badge. I, too, want to believe.

(Also, I tend to need help when I get too caught up in my paranormal enthusiasms, though I haven’t yet jumped onto moving trains or licked unknown substances in pursuit of The Truth.)

Given the vast scope of the universe, isn’t it far more likely that we have intergalactic neighbors than the alternative? Claiming Earth is the end all, be all of life smacks of pretension. Somewhere, there must be something else, even if it’s only microbial, or plant-based, or something far beyond our current conception of “life”.

Do I believe aliens have manipulated mankind for millennia, “Ancient Aliens”-style? Eh, not so much. Humans are resourceful and have always been strange; why assume pyramids or other oddities were built by aliens when regular folks are more than capable of that? Just look at Carhenge or the Cathedral of Junk.

How about alien abduction stories -- fact or fiction? I’m not about to summarily dismiss the thousands of reports over the decades, many made by perfectly sane and respectable people, but I’m sure a lot of those incidents have mundane explanations.

Then what about the strange lights in the sky? The odd crafts captured on film that move in a nigh impossible fashion? Those are definitely harder to discredit than Bubba’s Bud Light-fueled ramblings about little grey dudes with swollen heads and probes.

I do think people get treated too roughly when they claim to have seen UFOs; the name, after all, just means “unidentified flying object”. There shouldn’t be such a negative connotation with the term. Plenty of things in this world remain unidentified and misunderstood by science. Give it a few more years, and we may finally be able to definitively classify those strange lights and metallic-looking crafts.

Even NASA thinks there’s reason to be prepared: they’ve recently posted a job opening for a “planetary protection officer”. You’ll just have to prevent alien contamination on space missions and keep dangerous microbes from reaching Earth -- easy-peasy compared to the efforts of the heroes in Independence Day.

The job comes with a six-figure salary (!) and the honor of being one of only TWO planetary protection officers in the world. If you’ve got what it takes -- including an advanced degree in science or engineering, and at least a year of experience as an “acknowledged expert in planetary protection” -- you can apply at USAJobs.gov until Aug. 14.

Sadly, I don’t have the chops for such a job, so I’ll just keep an open mind -- and enjoy the thrill that runs down my spine every time a new alien hits theaters. So here are some great films where E.T. definitely does not come in peace:

6. Mars Attacks! (1996)

This goofy comic adaptation and homage to the invasion flicks of the 50s is insanely gory, insanely funny, and just plain insane. The stellar A-list cast makes this B-movie a must see.

5. The World’s End (2013)

The final installment in Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg’s amazing Cornetto Trilogy has a group of middle-aged chums trying to reclaim the glory of their youth on an epic pub crawl. Unfortunately, their fun is interrupted by killer androids and the revelation that their old stomping ground is the secret base of insidious aliens.

4. Under the Skin (2014)

Unlike the rest of this list, this is more of an art film, with very little scripted dialogue, beautiful visuals, and moments of unsettling horror. Scarlett Johansson stars as a female alien who uses her beauty to lure men to their doom.

3. Attack the Block (2011)

A teen gang in London defend their apartment block from some of the coolest aliens yet put on screen. This action-packed indie romp put John Boyega (Finn of Star Wars) on the map and also stars Jodie Whittaker (who will go down in history as the first female Doctor in Doctor Who next year). The sci-fi fun is given a sharper edge with searing commentary on racism and inner city life.

2. The Thing (1982)

Kurt Russell takes on a shape-shifting extraterrestrial in the frozen Antarctic tundra with only a sombrero, a flame thrower, and his epic beard. It’s a monster movie dripping with tension, paranoia, and gooey viscera; the simply superb creature effects from Rob Bottin are an especial treat.

1. Alien (1979) and Aliens (1986)

The definitive alien flicks that made a star of Sigourney Weaver and gave the world the iconic HR Geiger-designed Xenomorphs. The first remains one of the finest thrillers ever made, while the second is infinitely quotable and bullet-riddled thanks to a bevy of Space Marines. If you prefer your space beasties with jaws that bite and claws that catch, these films have to be at the top of your list.

#aliens #attack the block #the thing #under the skin #the world's end #mars attack #the b list #the times

THE B-LIST: THE LOST BOYS HAVEN’T LOST THEIR BITE

(NOTE: The following column was originally written for The Times in 2017. Unfortunately, due to a buy-out and a restructuring of the paper’s website, the original column was lost to the ether, so this is a re-post.)

---

Summer is not my season.

I’m all about autumn -- the chilly weather, the hot toddies, the cardigans. And, above all else, the approach of Halloween with all of its spooky trappings and horror films.

Horror isn’t a genre that lends itself well to summer, barring those camp-set slashers full of co-eds too horny for their own good. And while that sub-genre can be enjoyable -- until you get to the 15th sequel and they launch the killer into space, anyway -- it’s never been my cup of gore.

I’m more of a things-that-bump-in-the-night kinda gal. Give me zombies, give me werewolves, give me slavering beasties and badly animated CGI yetis that bounce like rubber balls.

And vampires. Boy, do I love vampires. The more monstrous the better; don’t even mention “Twilight” in my presence. Real vampires don’t sparkle. They can be sexy or romantic, I’ll allow that, but they’re still bloodsucking land sharks with a trail of corpses in their wake.

So it’s somewhat surprising that one of my favorite takes on the vampire is set at the height of summer: “The Lost Boys,” which turns 30 on Monday, July 31.

Take a handful of the established vampiric “rules,” throw in a dose of punk/grunge 1980s attitude and style, cast gorgeous twenty-somethings, and set it all in a sun-soaked California beach town. The end result is bloody magic: the anti-“Twilight” 20 years before “Twilight” was even a thing.

(And yes, the vampires do have glittery blood. But everything in 80s cinema was covered in glitter. I maintain that glitter-based blood does not a sparkly vampire make.)

“The Lost Boys” marked the first team-up of “The Coreys” (Corey Haim and Corey Feldman), teen heartthrobs of the 80s and early 90s. It’s infinitely quotable (“Death by stereo!”). And apologies to Buffy and Spike, but David (Kiefer Sutherland) was the first bleach blond vampire to claim my affections.

What I love most about “The Lost Boys” is that it dared to be fun, punk and sexy while also making it clear that vampires are EVIL. You wanted to ride on the back of David’s motorcycle, yeah, but you also knew he’d tear your throat out at the end of the road. The transformation of Michael (Jason Patric) into a teenaged creature of the night was framed as a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad thing.

Plus, where else will you see Grandpa Gilmore as a fanged villain seducing Dianne Wiest?

Still thirsty? Here are some other great films featuring sexy-but-deadly vampires:

5: “INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE” (1994).

Anne Rice has her flaws. But this modern classic about co-dependent vamps raising a sociopathic daughter is still a must-see.

4: “FRIGHT NIGHT” (THE 1985 ORIGINAL AND 2011 REMAKE)

Both feature a supremely sexy, supremely evil vamp villain (Chris Sarandon, one of the few who can be sultry in a turtleneck sweater, and Colin Farrell, who has to make an effort to NOT be sultry). Both have plucky heroes to root for (the remake stars the late, much-lamented Anton Yelchin). And the monster effects are fabulous.

3: “BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA” (1992).

Ignore Winona and Keanu’s laughable attempts at English accents and focus on Gary Oldman’s superb take on a romantic but vicious Dracula. (Also, there’s a COWBOY. Can’t forget Quincey -- he’s my fave.)

2: “BLADE” (1998) AND “BLADE II” (2002).

The original was the first truly good Marvel adaptation with slick violence and great performances by Wesley Snipes and Kris Kristofferson. The second raised the violence and mythos bars even higher thanks to Guillermo del Toro’s direction and the addition of Ron Perlman and the Reapers; with their face-splitting feeding technique, they remain one of the coolest -- and most monstrous -- vampire designs yet.

1: “HORROR OF DRACULA” (1958)

This Hammer Horror classic was the first team-up of Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing as Dracula and Van Helsing respectively. It’s an extremely loose adaption of the novel -- and my fave take on Drac yet. So many cheekbones!

#the lost boys #vampires #interview with the vampire #blade #fright night #the b list

THE B-LIST: WE’RE QUEER, AND WE’VE ALWAYS BEEN HERE

“Back in my day, we didn’t have—”

Any time I hear that prelude, I have a powerful urge to immediately stop the speaker.

Because no, we did. Maybe we didn’t have today’s language to describe it; maybe there was an intentional effort to eradicate any trace of such things from the history books (see: Nazi book burnings, specifically at the Hirschfeld Institute). Maybe colonizing forces criminalized such things, stripping indigenous peoples of their long-held societal acceptance of relationships or varied gender expressions.

But the LGBTQ community has always existed. Since humans first became humans, there have been gay people, trans people, people who refused to adhere to strict gender roles. Just because a mainstream society may have forced them underground, that doesn’t mean they’re recent inventions.

In “The Epic of Gilgamesh” (circa 2100 BC Mesopotamia), the titular hero has a passionate relationship with the warrior Enkidu. Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum were royal manicurists who were buried together sometime in the Fifth Dynasty of ancient Egypt.

The poet Sappho was writing her lyrics extolling lesbian love in seventh century BC. And two-spirit people, who we would consider nonbinary, have existed in numerous Indigenous American cultures for centuries.

We’ve created new names for ourselves, sure. Asexuality wasn’t a widely-used label until the 1980s and 90s (and the community is still fighting for acceptance). Pansexuality didn’t get its own flag until 2010. But, again, that doesn’t mean such people just sprang into being in the 80s and early 2000s – we’ve just found better words to describe ourselves.

It being Pride, and with world-wide attacks on the trans community only on the rise, I wanted to shine a small spotlight on some of the notable queer folks you may not have known were queer, thanks to that aforementioned re-writing of history, starting with:

1. Abraham Lincoln

Listen: I know numerous people have argued against “revisionist” looks at the 16th president, arguing that we can’t affix queer labels to folks who’re long dead. Plenty of talk has been made about how male/male friendships in previous centuries were often far closer and more physically demonstrative than they are now, and that bed-sharing doesn’t necessarily mean anything more than literally sleeping together.

And there’s truth in all of that. However, there is a LOT of evidence to suggest that if Lincoln wasn’t gay, he was bisexual. For several years, Lincoln not only shared a bed and most of his life with Joshua Speed, he also a) broke off his engagement to Mary Todd for the man, b) followed Speed to the man’s family home when Speed’s father died, and c) fell into a depressive spiral when Speed became engaged.

In the two months leading up to Speed’s wedding, Lincoln wrote several letters to him. “Feeling, as I know you do… You well know that I do not feel my own sorrows much more keenly than I do yours.” Lincoln also warned Speed that “you will feel very badly” in regards to consummating the marriage.

It’s really hard not to read into that.

2. Nikola Tesla

The Serbian inventor was undeniably a genius, though some called him a madman. Truly a man ahead of his time, he was often struck by “bolts of inspiration” where a complex mechanism would appear to him fully constructed – it would then take him only a short time to break the concept down, create all the physical pieces he needed, and then reveal the finished invention.

He was also a lifelong bachelor, and there’s a reason for that: he was asexual. When asked why he never courted ladies or started a family, he would blithely reply that he saw no need to. He wasn’t interested in romance or fathering children; science was more than enough for him.

(He was also almost certainly autistic, given his need for repetition, his habit of eating the same meal exactly the same way, and his tendency to hyperfixate on projects to the point of ill health.) And I have always appreciated that he frequently espoused feminist ideas, asserting that women were often superior to men when it came to making things run smoothly.

3. Public Universal Friend

I’m betting you haven’t heard of this absolute icon, which is a shame, because Public Universal Friend is one of the Greatests of All Time.

Born in 1752, Friend was a nonbinary Quaker who repudiated their birth name and gendered pronouns while advocating for abolition and free will. A preacher who believed in universal salvation, Friend wore androgynous clothing and kept their hair unbound, boldly facing down angry crowds who came to taunt them for both their messages and their unorthodox way of living.

4. Vincent Price

Speaking of icons: this horror legend will forever be remembered for his distinctive voice, his imposing physique, and how he absolutely rocked a moustache. From Hammer Horror to Edgar Allan Poe adaptations, he was one of Tim Burton’s muses and made Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” even more fantastic.

He was also an avid art collector (and artist in his own right), a passionate foodie who wrote cookbooks with his wife, and a PFLAG member who fought back against Anita Bryant’s anti-gay crusade in the 1970s.

And he starred in one of the first PSAs about AIDS – which makes sense when you consider that many of his closest friends and neighbors (like Rock Hudson) were gay, his daughter Victoria is a lesbian, and he himself was bisexual.

“I know just how you feel, because I have had these deep, loving relationships with men in my life — and all my wives were jealous,” he told Victoria when she came out to him.

5. Jane Addams

The tireless reformer who crusaded to make inner-city life better for immigrants and the poor was the second woman to ever win the Nobel Peace Prize. She co-founded both the ACLU (American Civil Liberties Union) and Chicago’s Hull House. At her death in 1935 (at the age of 74), she was the most well-known woman in the U.S.’s political sphere.

She also considered her 30-year partnership with Hull House co-founder Mary Rozet Smith to be a marriage, and had several other committed relationships with women earlier in her life.

6. William Dorsey Swann

Forget RuPaul — America’s first drag queen was William Dorsey Swann, a gay Black man born into slavery who also led the first queer resistance group in the U.S.

In the 1880s and 90s, Swann organized several drag balls in Washington, D.C., where he called himself “the queen of drag”. His group became known as the House of Swann, and part of the balls involved the queens dancing a stylized cakewalk (their way of reclaiming an event rooted in slavery), a precursor to the voguing popularized in more recent decades.

When Swann was arrested for “female impersonation”, rather than meekly submit to the arrest and charges, he loudly defended himself, marking one of the first times gay rights were defended with resistance. And when he was sentenced to 10 months in prison for running a brothel, he applied to President Grover Cleveland for a pardon, making him the first American to pursue political action on behalf of the LGBTQ community’s right to gather.

So the next time someone tries to spout that claptrap about “all these newfangled identities and sexualities”, firmly remind them that just because they have been living with narrow blinkers on, that doesn’t mean the wider world hasn’t been full of glorious rainbows this entire time.

(This column originally ran in The Times.)

#LGBTQ #history #LGBTQ history #pride #the b list #the times

HEY, CENTRAL ILLINOIS FOLKS: Y'all should TOTES come and see me on these two Saturdays. (And maybe buy a book or three while you're at it -- these will be priced cheaper than you can get them online, and I'll even sign 'em for you IN PERSON.)

I'll have copies of ALL of my books on hand, so if you're missing anything, here's your chance to complete your collection. Chances are very good these will be the last signings I ever do -- rising costs are making such ventures unprofitable, sadly.

But even if you don't need a book/don't have the money for one, I would *still* very much like to see y'all! So come out even if it's just to chat and reconnect!

#book signings #angie bee #writers of tumblr #writers on tumblr

THE B-LIST: ROCKIN’ AND ROLLIN’ WITH DWAYNE JOHNSON

I’m an unashamed fan of professional wrestlers/bodybuilders-turned-actors. From Arnold Schwarzenegger and André the Giant to John Cena and Dave Bautista, I just appreciate Big, Beefy (and usually Bald) Dudes who entertain us with elaborate fight choreography and hammy dialogue.

And my fave Big Beefy Bald Dude by a country mile is Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Since his first big screen appearance in the opening of “The Mummy Returns” as the legendary Scorpion King, The Rock (all due respect, sir, but I just cannot call you Dwayne) has charmed me with his pearly whites and ginormous arms.

Few men have such expressive eyebrows or impressive pecs. And few men have more consistently amused me on the big screen.

So to celebrate Mr. The Rock’s 51st birthday this week, here’s a look back at his best movies/roles to date, starting with:

6. MATHAYUS, “THE SCORPION KING” (2002)

The Rock’s take on “Conan the Barbarian”, and first full feature film, may have inspired a slew of extremely bad sequels and prequels; and, sure, it was hardly award-winning fare.

But it’s truly not a terrible sword-and-sandals picture, thanks to Johnson’s magnetism and a surprisingly quality supporting cast (yes, that’s “Lord of the Rings”’ King Theoden — Bernard Hill — as the Archimedes-esque mad scientist, and the velvet-voiced Michael Clarke Duncan as the warrior Balthazar).

Also, he rocks (lol) the heck outta that wig.

5. RAY GAINES, “SAN ANDREAS” (2015)

Another soft spot of mine is an action-packed disaster film, and “San Andreas” is packed right up to the fault line.

The Rock gets to be both a heroic rescue pilot and a devoted family man as he travels by air, land and water to save his estranged wife and twenty-something daughter from collapsing buildings, earthquakes and deadly waves.

This is another film with a fantastic supporting cast — Paul Giamatti! Ioan Gruffudd! Kylie Minogue! Archie Panjabi! Alexandra Daddario! — and super entertaining action sequences. The baddies get exactly what’s coming to them, Carla Gugino is there being gorgeous as usual and our guy may not be able to stop extreme climate change, but he still ultimately saves the day.

4. FRANK WOLFF, “JUNGLE CRUISE” (2021)

While “Jungle Cruise” may not have been the next “Mummy” or “National Treasure”, as I’d hoped, this historical fantasy still has a lot going for it.

Namely Emily Blunt as the spirited scientist Dr. Lily Houghton and Johnson as the pun-cracking steamboat captain Frank Wolff — I adore when The Rock gets to go Full Ham, and he looks good in the suspenders, tight pants and captain’s hat.

Also, how can you not love a dude who rescues jaguar cubs, fights cursed conquistadors and has a passion for cartography?

3. MAUI, “MOANA” (2016)

For Disney’s 56th animated feature film, Johnson tapped into his Polynesian roots (he’s half Samoan, on his mother’s side) and voiced the shape-shifting, tattooed demigod Maui. He’s a character who plays nicely to his greatest strengths: comedy and action.

During the press tour for the film, Johnson spoke frequently about how proud he was to represent his culture in such a huge family film, supporting a Disney princess his own daughters could look up to and see themselves in.

“This story is my culture, and this story is emblematic of our people’s grace and warrior strength. I wear this culture proudly on my skin and in my soul,” said Johnson last month regarding the announcement that he would be reprising his role in an upcoming live-action adaptation.

2. LUKE HOBBS, “THE FAST & THE FURIOUS” FRANCHISE (2011-present)

Since his intro into “The Fast & the Furious” series in “Fast Five” (the best film to date, by the way), Luke Hobbs has fast become one of the greatest additions to the Toretto Family.

A nail-chewing hardcase who barks out gems of wisdom like, “The guys we’re after are professional runners. They like speed, and are guaranteed to go down the hardest possible way, so make sure you’ve got your thunderwear on,” Hobbs is one of the few guys who can plausibly take on Vin Diesel’s Dom Toretto and come out on top.

And now with the “Hobbs & Shaw” spin-off series, we get to see him and Jason Statham’s Black Ops rogue Deckard Shaw be the grumpiest, most kick-butt of Odd Couples, destroying entire buildings and exchanging barbed insults as they save the day from techno terrorists.

Of all of his roles, Hobbs is the one where The Rock’s past experience as a professional wrestler is most on display. And the fact that Hobbs is also a devoted single dad? Just icing on that giant beefcake.

1. SPENCER GILPIN/GRANDPA EDDIE/DR. SMOLDER BRAVESTONE, THE “JUMANJI” FRANCHISE (2017-present)

But when it comes to best character, best performance, it’s truly no contest: in “Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle” and “Jumanji: The Next Level”, Johnson proves that he’s more than just a dude with an impressive physique who can punch on demand.

Over the course of the two films, he convincingly plays both the asthmatic, nerdy teenager Spencer and Spencer’s brash, cantankerous grandpa Eddie, each trapped in the video game character of (the magnificently named) Dr. Smolder Bravestone.

It’s just so dang funny watching the huge mountain of a man that is Bravestone freak out and shriek, “I don’t wanna do this!” when faced with anything dangerous. “I don’t have my Claritin, and I’m allergic to everything!” panics Spencer when he first gets sucked into the game. “Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry…”

And when Johnson channels Danny DeVito’s Grandpa Eddie, complete with nasal New Jersey accent, in the sequel, I am cackling. “Are we in Florida? Did we die? Are we in hell?” he demands, before savoring being in a younger, fitter body: “Oh, will you look at this? My joints feel like buttah.”

The Rock may be rolling into 51 now, but he’s showing no signs of slowing down, thank God. So long as he keeps making movies, I’ll keep watching them — he’s yet to truly let me down.

(This column originally ran in The Times.)

#the rock #dwayne johnson #jumanji #the fast and the furious #moana #jungle cruise #san andreas #the scorpion king #the b list #the times

THE B-LIST: HISTORY BEYOND THE PALE

Last week, at my Major Book Retailer day job, my boss watched me quickly pivot from recommending a sci-fi novel about a robot obsessed with soap operas (Martha Wells’ “All Systems Red,” the first in “The Murderbot Diaries”) to suggesting a book about real life treasure hunters (Robert Kurson’s fantastic “Pirate Hunters”).

When the customer had gone, she turned to me and said, “Angie, actual question here: have you read every book in this store?”

“I’ve just got 16 years of product knowledge,” I confessed. “And a pathological need to encourage everyone around me to like the things I like.”

The hand-selling is absolutely my favorite part of my nine-to-five job. And after spending the day curating a table of “unusual history” titles, I thought it was only right I share a few of those gems with y’all, starting with:

1. “Gulp: Adventures on the Alimentary Canal” by Mary Roach

Mary Roach is a superb writer/polymath who’s covered a variety of topics — such as space travel, Spiritualism and sexuality, just to name three — across several books, and you truly can’t go wrong with picking up any one of her titles.

But I have to recommend “Gulp,” which details the unusual science and historical discoveries surrounding the digestive system, out of purely self-serving reasons: chapter five is all about a direct ancestor of mine, the French-Canadian voyageur Alexis St. Martin.

Alexis suffered a gut wound as a young man that resulted in a permanent opening into his stomach. A (very shady, very self-serving) Dr. Beaumont turned Alexis into his own personal guinea pig, studying the fluids he siphoned from the man and conducting odd experiments with food. Because of all of this, we know there are acids in the stomach that aid in digestion.

It feels fitting that the most noteworthy figure in my family tree is a medical curiosity — but we’re all very proud of Alexis and his unique claim to fame, and give Roach’s assessment of him the proverbial stamp of approval.

2. “Ghostland” by Colin Dickey

Speaking of the strange and unusual: Dickey’s examination of the early days of Spiritualism and the rise of ghostly belief in America is a fascinating dive into both psychology and history.

Dickey doesn’t hesitate to shine a light on the darker sources of urban legends. The South, with its abundance of plantations, may have plenty of colorful stories about ghosts and tragedies, but that’s because so many of them are rooted in slavery and the Civil War.

And in the northern half of the country, rapid industrialization and the sicknesses that swept through major cities at the turn of the centuries only added further fuel to the fire of Spiritualism, making more and more people desperate to have proof of an afterlife, or willing to trust con artists in the hopes of communicating with a lost loved one.

All of this is wrapped up in frequently poetic, beautiful language, making “Ghostland” not just an informative book, but also a delight to read.

3. “Tough Mothers” by Jason Porath

With Mother’s Day right around the corner, now is the perfect time to snag a copy of “Tough Mothers,” the follow-up to Porath’s extremely successful “Rejected Princesses.”

A former animator for Dreamworks, Porath collected dozens of powerful ladies throughout history — most real, but some apocryphal — and paired succinct summaries of their influential lives with cartoony art.

These are ladies who are too wild, too violent, too complicated, too much to ever be given the Disney Princess treatment, but who absolutely deserve to have their stories spread far and wide.

“Tough Mothers” features mothers both literal (like Sojourner Truth, who sued to emancipate her son Peter from slavery) and figurative (like Mama Marsha P. Johnson, a trans icon who looked after the queer youth of New York City in the 70s and 80s).

And while some of the stories come with content warnings, there are plenty that are suitable for all ages, so this is a book you can read alone or with any teacup humans in your life.

4. “Shadow Divers” by Robert Kurson

With Mom covered, here’s something Dad will probably enjoy, especially if he’s as into WWII history as mine is.

In 1991, a team of divers discovered a peculiar wreck 60 miles off the coast of New Jersey. Following several years of retrieval efforts and investigation, the crew was able to prove that the wreckage belonged to a German U-boat that went down at the height of WWII — hundreds of miles closer to the U.S. than the closest recorded sinking.

Kurson has a knack for retelling nonfiction as if it were an action-packed adventure novel (see also the “Pirate Hunters” I mentioned above). And there’s no lack of drama in this story, with its history-rewriting discovery, the deaths of several divers in the pursuit of the truth and the dissolution of marriages and long-time friendships as tensions mounted.

5. “Dead Mountain” by Donnie Eichar

If you’ve spent any amount of time looking into unsolved mysteries, chances are good that you’ve already heard of the Dyatlov Pass. But in case you haven’t: in 1959 a group of Russian students hiked into the Ural Mountains and disappeared. Rescuers found their camp in a harrowing state of disarray, but it would be months before all of the bodies would be recovered.

Just what actually happened on that mountain? Was it a natural disaster, the result of a military test gone wrong, simple murder and madness, or even something paranormal? Over the decades, there have been dozens of theories and plenty of talk of Soviet cover-ups, but we still don’t have a definitive confirmation of the true events.

Eichar’s book is equal part recounting of the known evidence — including the photos taken by the ill-fated party and the teams of rescuers — as well as his own travelogue as he journeyed to Dyatlov Pass himself. It’s a relatively short and easy read, but it doesn’t provide any easy answers or pat closure. Instead, we’re left with plenty of questions and chilly unease.

But sometimes those are the best stories: the ones that shake you up, that are a little odd, and that leave you with plenty to think about.

(This column originally ran in The Times.)

#mary roach #colin dickey #dyatlov pass incident #robert kurson #rejected princesses #book recs #history #the b list #the times

THE B-LIST: COMFORT WATCHING FOR COUCH POTATOES

Ask everyone you know what their favorite comfort show (or movie) is — the thing they most often put on when they’re sick or had an awful day or just need some cheering up — and chances are you’ll rarely get the same answer twice in a row.

As with most matters of taste, it’s always going to be subjective. One person’s comfort watch is another’s worst nightmare — case in point, for some bizarre reason, I find John Carpenter’s “The Thing” to be rather soothing. (I think it’s the combination of the Morricone soundtrack and Kurt Russell’s reassuring beard.)

So while it’s impossible to give a truly definitive answer for what makes something a “comfort watch”, you can still group them by specific qualities, like:

1. The Nostalgia Comfort

Remember when you were sick as a kid and stayed home from school, and you’d zone out on the couch watching TV or the VHS tape a parent/babysitter put in for you?

Nostalgia Comfort includes the Bob Barker era of “The Price is Right”, or syndicated “M*A*S*H” re-runs, or cartoons like “Scooby-Doo” and “Sailor Moon”. Those puffy Disney tape cases that made such a satisfying crackle when you popped them open in order to watch “Aladdin” or “Robin Hood” three times in a row.

These are the comfort watches that are most often tied to specific memories or people. The shows and movies you turn to when you find yourself thinking about your grandparents, or a particular summer vacation, or that one really great sleepover.

2. The Turn-Your-Brain-Off Comfort

You get home from work and you barely have the energy to zap a frozen dinner in the microwave. Your brain feels like mush wrapped in wet cotton, and you need something you can put on for the distracting noise, something you can watch with your eyes glazed and little concentration.

This is where procedurals get a chance to shine. Think the 24-episodes-a-season mainstays that air on ABC and CBS, your “Hawaii Five-0”-s, “Castle”-s and “911”-s.

Sure, they’re formulaic and utterly predictable, but sometimes it’s nice to know what narrative beats to expect. To just coast along for the ride while attractive people exchange typical, cliché dialogue.

3. The Genuinely Wholesome Comfort

When I get especially down because of *gestures vaguely at everything*, I need to have my faith in humanity restored — or remind myself, in the immortal words of Samwise Gamgee, “That there’s still good in the world, Mr. Frodo; and it’s worth fighting for.”

Soul-soothing shows like Bob Ross’ “The Joy of Painting” and films like Studio Ghibli’s “My Neighbor Totoro” are a great way to refocus on the small beauties in life. Shows centered around truly decent people (“Ted Lasso” and “Parks and Recreation”) and movies built around really likable casts (the newest “Jumanji” franchise) that leave you with all the warm fuzzies.

Then there’s travelogue series like “Great Canal Journeys”, low-stakes reality shows like “The Great British Bake Off” and YouTube channels like Liziqi that spotlight nature and cooking and allow us to live vicariously in other cultures/places we might never otherwise experience.

(A personal fave “wholesome” watch for me is all of the behind-the-scenes material from “The Lord of the Rings”. The documentaries, interviews and cast commentaries on the Extended Edition DVDs show just how much love and camaraderie went into making that trilogy, and it really warms the heart.)

4. The Cathartic Comfort

A good cry is never a bad idea. Maybe a schmaltzy drama like “Steel Magnolias” or “Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood” will clear your head, or something that earnestly tackles trauma and loss like “Fruits Basket” or “The Ancient Magus Bride”.

A historical romance — try any Jane Austen or Brontë adaptation — can get the ol’ tear ducts working and leave your heart lighter when the end credits roll.

Or maybe you’ll feel better if you just scream for two hours, overloading your anxiety with horror films that allow you to reset a glitching nervous system.

I know I’m not alone here; so many friends have confessed to me that they put on the “Scream” and “Fear Street” films, or watch “Stranger Things” and Alfred Hitchcock classics, when they’re stressed and overwhelmed. It’s a great way to vent safely; many psychologists even recommend this tactic!

5. The At-Least-Things-Aren’t-This-Bad Comfort

This could be considered a sub-set of the previous category, and could also be called Disaster Comfort. No matter how rough things are in your life currently, at least you’re not being chased by an F5 tornado (“Twister”), or dealing with cataclysmic climate change (“The Day After Tomorrow”), or trying to escape a volcano eruption (“Dante’s Peak”).

It can be weirdly reassuring to watch a horrific, world-altering event happen to fictional characters from the safety of your comfy, snack-strewn couch.

6. The Repetitive Comfort

There’s a lot of comfort to be had in simply rewatching an old familiar fave.

A show you have completely memorized (my friend Angie and “She-Ra and the Princesses of Power”). A Classic Hollywood gem you have to revisit every year (my friend Siobhan with “Bringing Up Baby”). A childhood favorite you’ll never tire of (my friend Rick and “The Last Starfighter”). Or a movie you and your friends quote along to MST3K-style (“The Mummy”).

A few years ago, I managed to snap myself out of a bout of depression while watching “Aliens” on a repetitive loop for a couple weeks; seeing Ripley and Hicks kick Xenomorph tail 76 times in a row did wonders for my mood.

Sidenote: Studies have shown that neuroatypical folks (people who fall on the ADHD/autism spectrum) especially find comfort in repetitive watching. Knowing what to expect every time means less stress or anticipation!

7. The FUN Comfort

Whether it’s a hysterical comedy like “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” or “Ghosts”, a goofy cartoon like “The Emperor’s New Groove” or a Technicolor musical like “Singin’ in the Rain”, the bouncier and sillier something is, the better.

Watching Tim Curry frantically re-enact the first hour of “Clue” in the closing 20 minutes will never fail to cheer me up. The oh-so-quotable “Galaxy Quest” (aka the best Star Trek movie ever made) makes me snicker every dang time. And when I’m not drooling over Fran Fine’s exquisite fashions in “The Nanny”, she’s cracking me up with her puns and pratfalls.

In the end, comfort is forever a personal call, and you should never feel defensive or guilty over your go-to favorite. So long as it brings you joy or reassurance, that’s all that really matters.

(This column originally ran in The Times.)

#comfort watches #good vibes #disney #studio ghibli #movies #the b list #the times

THE B-LIST: FIVE REASONS TO GET ‘TANGLED’ AGAIN

So it’s 2010. Disney releases their latest “Princess” movie, “Tangled”, a retelling of the Rapunzel fairy tale.

Rapunzel’s story has never been one of my favorites, and I’m very salty that this movie is entirely CGI, because Disney just recently shut down their traditional hand-animation studio in the wake of “The Princess and the Frog” under-performing at the box office.

(Sidenote: “The Princess and the Frog” is still fantastic, and deserves more love than it gets, and yes I will die on this hill.)

All of this means I’m not one of the first in line when the film opens. I’ve preemptively written it off, and I’m fully prepared to scoff dismissively whenever it comes up in conversation.

But then a co-worker takes her niece to see it and returns raving about it. A Facebook friend sends me a barrage of texts about how fun and sweet the movie is. Two more pals can’t stop singing the songs. One of my Livejournal followers begins thirst-posting over the hero, Flynn Rider/Eugene Fitzherbert, and I keep stumbling across meta about Mother Gothel and the lasting trauma of parental abuse.

“Fine,” I say. “I’ll go see it.”

…Four visits to the theater later, I’m fully obsessed. I buy the soundtrack. I buy the Blu-ray the moment it’s released. I even write fanfiction, something I hadn’t done in a couple years at that point.

“Tangled” just managed to hit a bunch of my sweet spots when it comes to story-telling and likable characters. The songs are really good. Rapunzel herself is so charming and pure, a Sweet Summer Child you want nothing but good things for. And Flynn/Eugene is that optimal blend of “roguish scamp” and “poor orphan with a heart of gold”.

It’s a winning balance between classic fairy tale and modernized sensibilities, with its cartoony whimsy (horse guards and magic hair!) countered by commentary on co-dependent manipulation (Gothel’s villain number “Mother Knows Best” will feel all too familiar to folks who’ve experienced emotional abuse and narcissistic gaslighting).

When it comes to Disney’s more recent films, “Tangled” is definitely one of the best of the bunch — and far superior to “Frozen”, in my opinion, that film’s juggernaut-status notwithstanding.

Still, despite my great, great love for the film, and for the short “Tangled Ever After” about Rapunzel and Eugene’s wedding, I never watched the TV series that filled in the gap between the two. So often, when Disney tries to capitalize on a movie’s popularity with spin-offs or TV shows, the result is cruddy and disappointing compared to the original. They’re just cheap knock-offs made for a quick cash grab.

But a couple weeks ago, my very dear, very sweet friend Delia suggested we watch “Before Ever After”, the hour-long special that acted as a pilot for “Tangled: The Series” (also known as “Rapunzel’s Tangled Adventures” in later seasons).

And guess who’s now kicking themselves for not watching this show sooner? Just as I shouldn’t have been so cynical about the movie, “Tangled: The Series” is such a delightful surprise, and here’s the Top Five Reasons Why:

1. The original cast is back!

When you’re talking about animated films, a character’s voice is so important. A huge reason why spin-offs/prequels/sequels/series adaptations are bad is because the original actor doesn’t reprise the role, and while the character may look the same, they don’t feel the same without the right voice.

Not a problem here! Mandy Moore and Zachary Levi are both back as Rapunzel and Eugene, and others from the movie – Donna Murphy (Mother Gothel), Brad Garrett (Hook Hand), Jeffrey Tambor (Big Nose), Ron Perlman (the Stabbington Brothers) – return in guest appearances.

2. The new cast is phenomenal!

Beyond Moore and Levi is a supporting cast that’s jam-packed with some of the greatest current talents in the voice acting biz. Clancy Brown (most know him as the voice of Mr. Krabs in “Spongebob Squarepants” or Lex Luthor in the DC Animated Universe, but I first met him as the Kurgan in “Highlander”) is the King, and Steve Blum, Diedrich Bader, Dee Bradley Baker, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Richard Kind, Julie Bowen, and M.C. Gainey contribute to multiple episodes.

Then there’s the cameos/special guest stars, like Bruce Campbell, Lance Henriksen, Timothy Dalton, Mark Hamill, Kelly Hu, Carol Kane, Flula Borg, Danny Trejo! It’s a who’s who of my favorite distinctive voices!

3. Great new songs!

Every season there are three or four new songs penned by Alan Menken and Glenn Slater, and they’re all super solid. “Let Me Make You Proud” in season one is an especially moving “I want” song with some impressive belting from Jeremy Jordan as Varian, Rapunzel’s alchemist friend, and while I won’t mention details due to spoilers, there’s also a great villain song (with a twist) at the end of season two.

4. Solid writing and fun stories!

You can really tell there were Millennials in the writing room, because “Tangled: The Series” has some hysterical situational comedy and witty dialogue in it. This is one of those kids’ shows that’s intended as much for the parents/adults in the audience as for the kids.

Also there are a lot of puns.

SO many puns.

As a connoisseur of puns, I am delighted.

While there are over-arcing plots for each season/the series as a whole, this is mostly an episodic, sitcom-esque show full of zany one-off stories. As the original movie says in its closing scene, several years pass between Rapunzel coming home to Corona and her and Eugene getting married — this fills in those gaps with all of the adventures they have in that interim.

The show also gets to tackle story ideas that the screenwriters originally had for the movie but had to cut for time; go and watch the closing credits for “Tangled” again, the ones that are Rapunzel’s sketches. Notice the fortune-telling monkey? He shows up here in a BIG way.

Also, amidst all of the zaniness and fun, there are several episodes that hit surprisingly hard. When this show gets real, it gets real. Not ashamed to admit I cried and shrieked with anger more than once.

5. The show feels like fanfic in the best of ways!

Fanfic exists because fans want more. They want to see the characters they love in new situations both intense (what if Rapunzel has to be the Queen during a blizzard!) and silly (everyone dons beach attire and limbos with leaf people on a tropical island!).

They want to know if Thing A happened, what the emotional fallout would be. They want more romance for the couple they “ship”, and fleshed-out backstories for side characters.

If there’s only one movie, the fans have to produce that content. Have to answer those questions and satisfy those desires themselves.

So when I say “Tangled: The Series” is like great fanfiction, I mean that as a sincere compliment. We get to see more of Eugene’s past and origins! We get to see how Rapunzel adjusts to being a princess, and having truly loving parents! We get to see Rapunzel and Eugene be absolutely adorable together, celebrating birthdays and having each other’s backs in battle!

This is a show that leans heavy into the tropes, and even gives Rapunzel a best friend/lady-in-waiting who is extremely lesbian-coded – Cass is essentially Joan of Arc with an owl, more comfortable in armor and swinging a sword than in a dress doing needle-pointing.

There’s healthy masculinity! True feminism (in that there’s no wrong way to be a girl)! Diverse characters! Prophecies and magic and epic battles! Oh, how I love it all…

“Tangled: The Series” has three seasons (plus the “Before Ever After” special), and is available on Disney+. For anyone looking for some wholesome, family-friendly entertainment, there’s no better way to spend a few days.

(This column originally ran in The Times.)

#tangled #tangled the series #rapunzel's tangled adventures #disney #the b list #the times

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