The Theoretical Hemline

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The Sportsgirl Girl Theory

You know the kind. The girls that are simultaneously the centre of envy and mockery due to their innate ability to be so 'on trend' it's untrendy. With their eyebrows plucked to oblivion, their hair perfectly dyed yet masterfully unkempt, their $79.95 'boho-chic-vintage' cardigans and their pale, make-up plastered faces - they generally go unnoticed - until you see them with four other of their identically dressed friends.

One generally assumes that matchy-matchy dressing goes out of style when one leaves high school, and only reserved for adult situations that require co-ordinated costuming like a play or a halloween party. But this select breed of conforming females must rejoice in buying the exact same distressed, cut-off shorts that every other member of their posse is sporting.  Take heed this summer!

For your eyeballs may soon be violated by these hot messes buying out a chain store.  

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The M15+Rated Lawns Theory

It's a beautiful, cloudless day, and you're making your way for a nice sit down lunch on the lawn of your choice.  But be warned - you must choose wisely.  For the sweet scent of lawn attracts the most awkward of scenes.  This is the M15+Rated Lawns Theory.

It's the look of modernity that captures the eyes of the M15+ Lawn Audience.  Even though their escapades amount to nothing more than making everyone else feel awkward with their public displays of affection, one cannot deny that there is a reason for their decision to display their affection publicly on a lawn.  And it comes down to this theory - sleek architecture; streak-free windows; clean-cut grass with perfect blade definition and colour; and an audience that did not pay $9.90 for a meal and a show.  Together, these elements provide the perfect environment for a couple to get their inner Marvin Gaye outdoors.

Sure, "It's greener on the other side" and other harmoniously optmistic sayings are fine to reflect upon when you're on G-Rated Lawns.  But when you just want to eat a nice, gourmet baguette, please - don't litter our grass with your almost-sex.  Have some self control, and keep off the grass.

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Define: Glitchcore

Glitchcore adj.  1. State of being in constant sense of irregularity that simultaneously embodies ultimate strength and vigour.

"So last night I saw Aphex Twin live.  Totally glitchcore."

"I put some sweet, glitchcore samples onto my garage band mix."

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The Myspace Shot Theory

Myspace may have been the website in vogue during the mid-2000s, but it has undeniably been eclipsed by the social networking monolith of Facebook. Long gone are the days of Bulletin Posts, customisable profiles and 'PC4PC?'.

Nevertheless, whilst Myspace as a social network remains a warm memory in our minds, and we instead refresh our News Feed for updates on the minutiae of life that our "friends" happily offer up each day, it has come to my attention that the traditions of Myspace are not completely dead.

The Myspace Shot Theory is a concept of attraction amongst the opposite sexes that stems from the widely popular, high-angled camera shots notoriously used during the Myspace heyday to make everyone in the image appear to be really good looking. The Myspace shot made even the most unfortunate-looking people HOT. And this my friends, is the true reason why men prefer dating women who are shorter than them. You see, whilst most will tell you that this phenomenon is some remnant of our primitive past, where the male was traditionally the hunter, the protector and who was physically larger than the female, I am telling you, that this idea does not maintain much credence in our modern dating world. The Myspace Shot Theory relies on the notion that men who are taller than their female dates will for most of the time be at a viewing position that replicates the high-angled-hotness of a Myspace Shot. The Myspace Shot Theory opens up new doors for the question that plagues girls and women alike -  "does he like me?" Well my dear, consider this -  if you could balance a camera in the approximate location of his eyes, would that be a sufficient angle for a Myspace shot? I think you have your answer.

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The Ellipsis Theory

Dot, dot, dot.

What did you say?  You're not sure?  Um...ok.  You just used, The Ellipsis Theory.

We all understand the basic reasons for using ellipses in literature, academic writing, and shorthand slang.  But it goes without saying that it is one of the most commonly misunderstood prose elements.  And there are three categories of this beloved line of dots that most people fit under.

Firstly, there's the "not-enough dots" person.  They mean well, but it almost makes their sentences look more awkward because they are just short one dot of being on the path of trailing off.  Or perhaps they had a finger spasm, and accidentally just pressed the full stop button more than once?

Secondly, there's the "I cannot stop but doing these awesome dots - they look so fun" person.  Yes, Microsoft Word automatically groups them into three.  No, you do not need to spend one minute seeing how many groups you can make.

And of course, thirdly, the person who uses the ellipsis properly.  Three dots - no more, no less.  You are our heroes, for without you, person who makes the correct notion of wonderment, confusion, and trying to awkwardly leave a conversation, the world would just be out of balance.

Three dots for you, dear friend.

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The Uni Boy Theory

In first year of university, it is most likely that you will come across this fairly common species of male in your traverses and interactions on campus. 

One only has to be at university for a few moments to realise that approximately 1/3 of the male population has what we will now refer to as "The Uni Boy Look".

This, my friends, is the quintessential symbol of first-year rebelliousness, that comes in the form of an overgrown, curly mass of unkempt hair. 

These males take pride in the fact that they no longer have to adhere to strict private school guidelines on hair maintenance, and as a result, take it to the extreme, always teetering on the fine line between completely gross and awesome.

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The Checkmate Theory

Ok. You just got dumped.   You want to be cool, you want to be chill...and at the same time, you just want to put into words a smug facebook wall post of congratulations for the right decision your ex has made.  Sorry honey.  But that, is Checkmate.

For all the times you saw good posts on your ex's facebook/twitter/tumblr etc, and wanted to reply with "Are you happy now??  Because I'm freaking EXPLODING with happiness and GOOD ON YOU."  You'd better not.  But if you did, CHECKMATE.