Okay but, it’s incredible just how much of my life is calculated exactly through this lens and no one I know even knows this about me.
Like, it’s a really big factor in a lot of day-to-day decisions I make, for example:
I will always wear a flannel with the bottom three buttons buttoned up. Why? It’s the perfect amount to hide my stomach–any less and you’d still be able to see it in my t-shirt, anymore and it’d show through the flannel. Three buttons is the right amount to draw the eye away from it.
I will never, ever, ever, ever go out in just a t-shirt, and HATE wearing just a t-shirt at home.
I don’t even OWN “comfy” clothes or pajamas, let alone lounge around the house in them. If I’m not dressed up nicely, even when I’m home entirely alone like say during quarantine, I feel utterly disgusting (I’ll feel utterly disgusting some days anyways, but that’s a guarantee)
I am 100% of the time acutely tuned-in to how my breathing sounds. 100% of the time.
I have a go-to half-smile for photos that I use with a slight head-tilt away from the camera–it’s the only way I have a chance of looking half-way handsome in photos
I will *never* suggest an appetizer, and will *always* watch how much food everyone else is having and *make damn sure* I have less than at least half of the other people with me.
I set my chair at work and at home so the edge of the desk hits right below the ribs (ie, right above my stomach), and at restaurants will even try to pull the table towards me subtly as much as I can so that the edge of the table is right there.
I am always sucking in my gut at least a little. You will literally *never* see me not doing that, I will not let go around you no matter how close we are (fun fact, this is how I managed to always do 120+ sit ups in gym class despite being bad at literally every other test–I am literally always training those muscles)
If I feel myself starting to get out of breath I will always disguise it as a little chuckle or a couple of yawns.
I will always always always always always always look for ways to show off my physical strength, because the only “redeeming” factor of being big is it means you “should” also be strong. Whenever I help people move, I will immediately find the biggest object and carry it by myself, refusing to let others help. I will always try to carry more than anyone else. I will never. EVER take a break unless someone literally forces me to, and even then I will be the first to get back up and go back to work, no matter how tired and sore I am (I routinely come close to passing out because of this).
I will NEVER admit to how hungry I am. The most I will get is “I could eat if y’all want to.”
I will NEVER admit to how physically tired I am. I will always do “one more thing” first.
and there’s probably countless other little stuff I can’t think of off the top of my head like all of that, too.
I will NEVER raise my arm up fully, ESPECIALLY not both arms. The most I’ll do is bend my elbow at like, 90 degress and have my upper arm going out/up at like, 30 degrees so that my hand is hovering a few inches directly above my head. Otherwise, my shirt lifts up.
I will almost always have my hands in my pockets, BUT with my thumbs, out. Why? My thumbs hold my shirt down in case it starts to lift up for some reason.