Your time spent enjoying the creative process is infinitely more valuable that any final project you create. So stop putting yourself down for never finishing or posting those WIPs because every moment you spent creating something you loved is a moment not wasted. Your progress and talent is measured by your passion not your number of posts.
Neil Josten is so selfless he’ll protect others even if it costs him the identity he’s been working for years to hide and he’ll put his problems last and will try to fix all of his teammates even though he’s himself barely hanging on. Neil Josten left for the nest without a second thought when he heard Andrew was in danger and would willingly put himself through torture if it meant his friends would be safe at the end of the day. Neil Josten left to die with ‘Thank you, you were amazing’ because he needed to tell Andrew that this wasn’t his fault, and that, despite it all, he didn’t regret anything and would do it again and i’m so sad i love Neil Josten
i tried to explain what generational trauma is to someone recently and they were like “oh so because something happened historically, you get to have issues about it now?” and no.... that’s not what that is.
when i was in 8th grade, on my class trip to washington dc, we visited the holocaust museum. it’s a wonderful, extensive, informative place, and it’s a beautiful tribute to the victims. as a jewish kid, i knew what the holocaust was. i’d faced antisemetism every day of my life, and will continue to do so. i knew what had happened to my ancestors not too long ago.
but when i stood in that museum. in the recreation of the cattle trains used to move us to the camps. in the recreation of an auschwitz cabin, staring at the map of the camp. when i saw the pile of shoes and jewelry taken from the victims. when i learned how their hair, so very much like mine, was cut for having texture. and how their teeth were pulled for the gold fillings. i had a panic attack.
it was embarrassing, but i was a shitty little 8th grader, and i tried to hide it. but I couldn’t breathe. it was like there was a band around my chest the entire time i was in the museum. i was surrounded by ghosts, by the whispers of emaciated men and trapped women and crying children.
what is generational trauma?
it’s the psychological idea that trauma can be passed down through multiple different ways. trauma can change you significantly, even rewrite neural pathways and physically change how you think. that, paired with the cycle of subconsciously sharing our trauma with our children, as well as mixing with the trauma we learn as we grow, leads to some really rough patches in our relationships with our identites.
this is a really great 4 minute video from the healing foundation about the trauma carried by aboriginal people in Australia. tw for some really heavy topics, but all presented in a relaxed and serious environment.
what do we do?
well, honestly, i don’t know. it’s not like we’re gonna stop sharing our stories with our descendants, nor our histories. we can’t get rid of things related to our identities that give us our own trauma, the bigotry we face unfortunately isn’t going anywhere.
but being aware of your generational trauma is a good step. it’s not just being “sad” or “sensitive” to history. it’s our history still affecting us today. when your indigenous friends are made upset by discussions of colonization, when your black friends feel the weight of a millenia of racism placed on their shoulders, when your gay friends ask you to please stop using that word, when your trans friends see another historical figure deadnamed and misgendered, when your jewish friends can’t talk about the Shoah without their voices breaking.
so why the fuck are you lecturing us?
our murdered ancestors live on in us, in our eyes, our hearts. we are reminded of them constantly, made painfully aware of who we are and how many people hate us.
we were not supposed to survive, and if most of the world had their way, we wouldn’t have. (no, the allies were not heroes of wwii, you turned us away at your borders and continue to let us die from nazis today. if america had had the option, they wouldn’t have given a shit about jewish victims, but that’s a whole other essay i could write)
it’s time to start acknowledging the past, acknowledging your generational trauma and the trauma of those around you. i’m not making up an excuse to “have issues”. at the time i’m writing this, october 2020, i’m 17. i have felt this weight my entire life, and i will continue to shoulder it, as will everyone else.
my point is, maybe we can shoulder that weight together. maybe then it won’t weigh us down as badly. we have solidarity, and we are tough, and resilient, and strong, and beautiful. your generational trauma is something to be aware of, but not ashamed of. we can do this—change the world for the better. we can break the cycle so our descendants don’t feel as we do.
Was just informed by my mom that I do in fact have ADHD and the reason I thought I didn’t was because ever since I was seven whenever I got super energetic my mom would have me go chop wood so now when I’m feeling The ADHD I go chop wood and I thought it was just some sort of routine I started when I was little and wanted to blow off steam
I’d also like to point out that my sister has a really hard time staying present (I can’t remember the term because we’ve always called it Tethered at my house) and whenever she’s feeling Untethered my mom has her knead bread and make syrup because they’re repetitive and easy things to do that ground her
Now that I’m thinking about it- my brother has days where he doesn’t talk and doesn’t eat unless he’s prompted, and on those days my mom sits him down in the fish pond in the backyard and plays Mozart and because he’s so used to that being his wake up he always comes back in after like an hour rambling about random things
Oh yeah and when it rains my mom has a required hour where we all have to go outside and run around and whoever finds the most worms for the garden wins and then we go inside and my mom makes us tea and we watch Studio Ghibli movies
Wait!!! When one of us has a bad day at school we make a fire in the backyard and roast homemade sausages and my mom tells us stories until we laugh and then she tucks is in bed like we’re five again and sings us songs
“I didn’t know I had adhd because my mom gave me such an effective coping mechanism” is such a high bar to clear and she soared over it like a space-plane.
we’re just gonna have to start straight up killing these grown ass men dating teenagers since the families of millie bobby brown, billie eilish, and olivia rodrigo obviously arent gonna do it
because a lot of people have been confused and i don’t want to keep repeating myself:
millie bobby brown: previously dated a 20 year old when she was 16. he recently bragged on ig live that he groomed her and had sex with her. they lived with her family for 8 months. was preyed on by drake.
billie eilish: previously dated a 22 year old when she was 16. currently dating a 29 year old while she is 19. was also preyed on by drake.
olivia rodrigo: currently dating a 24 year old while she is 18. worth noting she JUST graduated high school.
To all my followers who are citizens of the EU and of voting age, please consider signing and sharing this EU citizens' initiative requesting that the European Commission stop upholding intellectual property rights regarding COVID vaccines and treatments and make them a public good instead.
In order for the European Commission to read these proposals this initiative needs a lot more people signing that it has now, so every person counts.
Petition for fandom to start using the term “squick/squicky” again
This loosely translates as “there is no fundamental problem with this and I have no issue with the people who enjoy it but it makes me personally deeply uncomfortable”
A fair maiden knocks on the goth lady’s door and says she’s here to find love.
The goth sighs, points across the road and says, “Witch is over there. He doesn’t do love potions because consent but he might be able to make you prettier, although 90% of the time it turns out the spell didn’t do anything but make you more confident.”
The maiden blushes and sheepishly explains that she knows he’s the witch, she just talked to him and he sent her over here.
Goth looks over her shoulder to see the himbo witch standing outside his house giving her a grin and a double thumbs up.
For your prompts: Neil telling Andrew that he's pretty, and Andrew getting flustered/embarrassed because nobody has ever told him that before??
I didn’t know I needed this until now OMFG. I’ve never thought about this but Andrew 100% needs to be told that he is pretty because he is and he deserves it. Thanks so much for this wonderful prompt! I apologize for the few days it took to write this, I...was on vacation, lol. And then I added probs more than I should’ve, so enjoy a 5 + 1. Also, y’all should check out @fortheloveofexy artwork if you haven’t, it is absolutely incredible I love it so much!
Read on AO3 | Word count: 4,553 | Rated: G
1
Neil isn’t blind. A little oblivious, and sometimes stupid, but not blind.
After a few months of working through his feelings - a long internal battle that had revealed more about himself than he would’ve liked - Neil had managed to work out what he wanted with Andrew. He felt protective and protected, safe and genuinely happy no matter what they were doing. They had rough spots, but Neil was sure that anyone in a developing relationship goes through them. Now, in his second year at Palmetto, they’d gotten down a better dynamic to deal with balancing practice and schoolwork and time alone.
They even managed to carry on going to Edens during some weekends. Aaron always took his chances to opt out, but Nicky still enjoyed the place and Kevin still had an unhealthy tolerance of alcohol. Some of the new foxes went there as well, but most of the time Neil spent there was by Andrew’s side, trying to keep an eye on how much Kevin had drunk while also sure the guy knew his own limits better than anyone else. If Andrew was sitting at the table, Neil would be at his side. If he got up to get more drinks from the bar, Neil would follow. He didn’t want to go onto the dance floor but would drink whatever Andrew ordered him.
At the moment, he was leaning against the bar, waiting for Roland to return with the drinks Andrew had ordered. Neil took the time to stare at Andrew, the booming music and flashing lights only seeming to emphasize every good thing about his face. His hair was styled in a way that made it look attractively windswept, and Neil was pretty sure that Andrew had put on eyeliner. Or maybe it was just the lights in the club making them pop more, but they did. It was hard to see the natural hazel, to pick out the flecks of gold mixed with olive green and brown, but Neil tried his best, anyway.
Andrew looked great. Neil always thought he looked great, and therefore today was no different, and there wasn’t anything special about it, either. It wasn’t that Andrew didn’t look better than usual, it was that he was always good-looking.
Roland came back with the tray, breaking Neil out of his staring contest with the side of Andrew’s head. The bartender didn’t stay long, saying a few words to Andrew before walking down towards others sitting along the bar, leaving them alone again. Andrew picked up one glass and slid it to Neil’s hand, who grabbed it but didn’t drink it, instead taking a moment to look it over. By the smell Neil was pretty sure there was whiskey in it, because for some god-awful reason Andrew seemed determined to get Neil to like it, or he enjoyed the faces Neil made when the burn would hit his throat. Probably the latter, now that he thought about it.
Neil glanced back at Andrew, thinking of something to say about the drink, but the other wasn’t looking at him. Neil leaned forward, spotting someone on his other side: a girl that couldn’t have been much taller than himself, wearing jeans and a tank top. Neil couldn’t hear what they were talking about over the sound of the music playing, but he wasn’t concerned. It was far more entertaining to watch Andrew’s blank face stare her down until she started to visibly falter and then walk away. When she finally did, Andrew turned around to face Neil again.
“Wrong twin?” Neil yelled over the music, smirking to himself at his own joke.
Andrew’s face didn’t change. He wordlessly grabbed one of the shots on the tray and knocked it back, neck flexing attractively and - yeah, if Neil didn’t have a neck fetish before, he probably did now. “Stop staring,” Andrew yelled back.
Neil looked away, holding more tightly to his glass and getting out of the stool he’d been sitting on. Andrew got up as well, holding the tray and walking towards the table they’d been sitting at earlier. Neil followed and stared at his shoulders the entire way.
2
Not every practice is going to go well. Sometimes the foxes seem to flow nicely, predicting each other’s moves perfectly and able to step around each other like they were performing some kind of complicated dance. Neil liked those days, because it was his job as captain to get the team on track, and he liked it better when he didn’t have to yell at the team to stop squabbling every few minutes.
A lot of times, he misses when Dan was captain instead. He only slightly feels bad for whatever hell he must’ve put her through during practices.
Today wasn’t a day that the foxes worked well. Wymack had already sent most of the team running laps at least three times now, and Neil wasn’t excluded from the bunch. Most days he could work with Kevin, especially after night practices, but he could no longer tell if it had been him that was originally pissed off or his teammate. They kept butting heads, crashing into each other and blocking goals that Andrew would’ve blocked anyway. The team couldn’t help but start their own drama amongst themselves after seeing the way the two worked.
“That’s it,” Wymack yelled at them when he finally called enough for the day. The team had gathered around, breathing heavily and glaring at anything that moved. “You all are going to go sleep off whatever mindset you’re in right now. If you’re still fighting like cats and dogs by practice tomorrow, I’ll make all of you run until you pass out.” Wymack nodded towards the locker rooms. “Get out.”
They did. Neil dragged his feet, still fuming at everything that had happened that day. He couldn’t stop seeing red whenever Kevin was in his line of sight, so he sat on one of the benches and stared at the lockers, counting to himself until he’d stopped panting for air. By that point, most of the team had gone and he could shower in peace, so he got to his feet and started pulling off his pads, ripping off his gloves with a bit more intensity than usual.
He was just grabbing his small bottle of shampoo when he heard footsteps approaching. For a moment Neil was worried it was either Kevin or Wymack, but when he glanced over his shoulder he found it was neither. Andrew was just getting back from the showers, dressed in boots and dark jeans, his arm bands in place and a t-shirt on. A white towel was around his neck, hanging off the back of his head like he’d tried to quickly dry his hair and then left it in place for the walk back to his locker.
Andrew glanced at him once, and then turned to open his locker. Neil watched him put away some soap and his folded jersey, eyes catching on the biceps that were exposed thanks to the way the sleeves of his t-shirt rolled up as he moved. Andrew’s muscles have always been something Neil admired: at first he used to watch Andrew press weights and was impressed, unable to take his eyes away in something he mistook for some kind of jealousy. Neil still wishes he could lift as much weight as Andrew, but he also enjoys spotting much more, because at those moments he’s supposed to stare, even if Andrew scolds him for not watching the bar at all times.
When the locker slammed closed, Neil jumped just slightly, taken out of his trance. Andrew was pulling the towel away from his shoulders, watching Neil back with a small frown on his face. Neil managed to not say anything, even if he had a lot on his mind, and instead focused on watching Andrew approach.
“I’m leaving in ten,” Andrew told him when they were standing right next to each other, chests so close they were almost touching.
Neil thought it was pretty unfair that he was being expected to think at a moment like this. “Okay,” he said dumbly, because that was the only response he could think of.
“I’m leaving in ten,” Andrew repeated.
Oh. Neil nodded and turned around, shaking his head as though that would get the thoughts of how nice Andrew looked out of his mind, and rounded up the rest of what he needed for the showers. If he wasn’t ready and in the Maserati in ten minutes, Andrew would leave him to run back to Fox Tower. Which Neil could do, he’s done it before, but he was still tired after the draining practice and would prefer to see where Andrew would take him instead.
It wasn’t like they had to go back to the dorm right away. And after stressful days like this, a car ride was usually just what it took to calm down again. Neil took the shortest shower of his life, probably only rinsing the sweat off his body rather than actually cleaning up, and was pleased that they drove out of Palmetto when he climbed into the passenger’s seat.
3
Whoever invented midterms deserved to be dead, Neil was convinced, because clearly they hadn’t considered that someone would be playing a sport like their life depended on it while also taking eighteen credits because they were an idiot who wanted to finish their gen-ed. requirements a semester early. In short, whoever invented midterms hadn’t done it with Neil Josten in mind, which meant that Neil felt like he’d been staring at his notes so hard that his eyes were going to fall out soon.
Sometimes he wishes he could memorize things the way Andrew could, because he could waste an entire week playing video games instead of studying and still pass everything. On the other hand, Neil felt like he was drowning in textbooks and notes, and he was also sure he’d memorized more from quizzing Kevin with flashcards full of random facts about Ancient Rome than his own material about sequences and series. The inventor of calculus also deserved to be dead, Neil decided, and was pleased that Sir Isaac Newton had been dead for a very, very long time.
Kevin was studying in the bedroom, because when he asked Andrew to turn down the volume to whatever video game he was playing Andrew had just turned it up more. Neil could deal with the noise, tuning it out to focus on re-writing his old notes like Katelyn had suggested to him, but now that he’d taken a moment to rub his eyes and try to think of anything except mathematical formulas, he was distracted by whatever Andrew was playing. Neil got up from the desk to sit on the floor next to the beanbag Andrew was sitting in, watching him play as some small green character trying to take on a large boss, which seemed to be a giant floating head with two hands.
“What’re you playing?” he dared to ask.
“Shh,” Andrew shushed him, not looking away from the screen.
Neil figured he could find out later and watched. Andrew was good at beating video games, probably because of his skills as a good goalkeeper requiring him to keep his eyes on everything, knowing exactly when to move and how to do it. Or he just had some natural talent, but Neil thought it was impressive, anyways. At some point during the boss battle, he looked away from the screen to watch Andrew instead, which was more entertaining.
His fingers moved quickly over the controller’s buttons, which was almost a hypnotizing sight. Andrew had painted his fingernails black again, but the nail polish was already chipping after a week. Neil thought that Andrew had nice hands: they were large but not bulky, strong and but not rough, unyielding but gentle. One night they had been lying in bed together and Neil had been allowed to look over one of Andrew’s hands, trying his best to learn every detail about them. He’d liked that night, and thought that he’d like to do it again.
“Do you want to play?” Andrew spoke up, bringing Neil out of his thoughts.
“Huh?”
Andrew looked back at the screen, where his character was picking up a heart-shaped item and then jumping into a purple portal of some kind. “What, were you trying to figure out how I fight?”
“No,” Neil admitted, then bit his lip to keep from admitting he was staring at Andrew’s hands because he thought they were nice.
“Either study or watch the game,” Andrew ordered.
Neil didn’t want to study, but he knew he shouldn’t stare more than he already had, so he looked back at the TV screen. It was distracting when he could hear Andrew’s fingers moving over the buttons again, to the point that he wasn’t watching what was happening but instead just focusing on the sound to his left.
Andrew let out a low sigh through his nose. “You’re the worst.”
“I’m not doing anything!” Neil argued.
“Yes, you are.” Andrew moved a foot to nudge one of Neil’s shoulders. “Stop.”
“Okay,” Neil said, forcing his focus to return to what was happening on the screen. Or to try and recall the formulas he had to know for his upcoming midterms. If Andrew noticed that Neil couldn’t stop thinking about his hands, he didn’t make any more comments about it.
4
It wasn’t uncommon for them to suddenly go out, but every time it happened Neil never felt prepared for it. The first time Andrew had taken him for some food and then found a secluded place to park the Maserati, allowing them to eat and talk about whatever they wanted and then eventually make out in the backseat, Neil felt pretty comfortable labeling that as a date. He’d gone so far as to message Matt about it, who told him he most definitely had been on a date and thanks, he’d just won a lot of money. Neil couldn’t be bothered to ask what the foxes had been betting on now and left it as is.
He didn’t say it out loud, anxious about Andrew suddenly taking the date back or something, but after months Neil knew for sure that’s what this was. Tonight, Andrew only had to quickly flash Neil the keys to get him to follow, and they went to some local diner that sold really good sandwiches. They got their food to go and then Andrew drove them down a highway, a long drive that spanned until after the sun set. By that point they had reached some secluded area with a great view of the night sky, which had significantly more stars in it than were at campus.
“Are we stargazing?” Neil asked when they got out of the car, sitting on the hood of the Maserati and eating the greasy sandwiches. He’d already used up the three napkins Andrew had handed him, so he wiped his fingers off on his pants so he could grip his water bottle well.
“Something like that,” Andrew replied.
Neil looked back at the night sky. “One time I stargazed on the run. I was in a bus, but the whole sky seemed to light up.” He’d been eleven and moving around with his mother, and hadn’t yet been so out of touch with life that the view of millions of stars in the sky wasn’t breathtaking. “We could go somewhere. Maybe next year, before the dorms open?”
Andrew just shrugged, his head tilted back to look at the dark sky. Here the only light offered was from the moon and the Maserati’s lights, so it was difficult to see his face. Neil couldn’t tell what expression he was making at the proposal to go on a road trip together, and he hadn’t received a verbal answer either, so he let it be. A few minutes later, he finished his sandwich and put his box to the side, glancing at the stars again before looking at Andrew.
It was hard to make out his facial features, but not impossible. The dark couldn’t quite hide Andrew’s side profile, and the light breeze that moved through the area they were in tussled his hair just slightly. Neil slowly looked down from the small jut of Andrew’s chin to his strong jawline, eyes adjusting more easily to the dark the longer he looked. Andrew’s adam's apple moved when he swallowed, his head angled back only offering a better view. Neil wanted to kiss his throat, to leave a light nip to Andrew’s pulse point and listen to the slight hitch of breath he knew he’d receive in return.
He was only slightly disappointed that the dark covered up Andrew’s light freckles and the color of his eyes. But those he had memorized, even though he’d never get tired of looking.
“Are you even watching the meteor shower?” Andrew spoke up, head tilting as he looked Neil’s way.
No, Neil wanted to say. He hadn’t noticed the streaks in the sky and didn’t feel like looking away, because as breathtaking as it would be to watch he knew it wouldn’t be able to compare to what Andrew looked like right now. He could stare for hours and not be bored - he had stared for hours and not become bored - which is why he decided it was so hard to finally drag his gaze upwards.
The meteor shower was pretty. But just not as pretty as Andrew looked, sitting on the hood of his car. Neil was tempted to say so, but he bit the inside of his cheek until it hurt to keep from blurting out loud. Andrew must’ve noticed, because he poked the cheek Neil was biting.
“Watch,” he encouraged.
“I am,” Neil argued.
“I didn’t bring you all the way out here so you could stare at me.” Neil blinked and looked Andrew’s way again, who was shrouded in darkness once more. “You do that every other day. Look at the stars instead.”
“So, you’re saying it’s okay for me to stare at you any other day?” Neil asked, smiling openly, and not at all a bit cheeky.
“I’m telling you to stare at the stars right now.”
“Okay,” Neil agreed, looking skyward again. That hadn’t been a ‘no’, but not quite a ‘yes’ either. He’d have to ask again later.
5
Of all his favorite things to do, kissing Andrew was definitely towards the top of that list.
Neil enjoyed just about everything they did: lazy morning kisses, a kiss ‘hello’ when they saw each other again, kisses to fingertips and forehead kisses, cheek kisses and neck kisses and everything in between. Neil had been told ‘yes’ to giving Andrew a kiss on his face so long as they were in front of one another and the mood was right. He liked kissing Andrew’s cheek while making food or talking or doing homework, and did it as often as he could.
But what was even better than kissing were the moments afterwards.
On his list of things he liked to do, laying in the afterglow with Andrew at his side was definitely number one. Like today, the two had laid down on the bed and kept space between their bodies everywhere except for their lips. Neil felt like his were definitely red and swollen, but not in a painful way. It was a satisfying feeling, and it only got better when he could see Andrew’s face so closely.
Like this, when they were laying horizontal and only a few inches were separating them he could admire every little bit of Andrew’s face. Neil could see the way his blonde hair framed his face, a few strands falling near his eyes but not long enough to cover them. His eyebrows were relaxed, not pulled into a glare or his mask of indifference, and Neil felt like he wanted to treasure this look the most. Andrew’s eyes were still closed, his long eyelashes fanning over his cheekbones that were covered with light freckles that tracked over the bridge of his nose. Andrew’s lips were also light red, a pretty contrast to the rest of his skin tone.
But when Andrew opened his eyes and looked at Neil, he felt like his heart might stop.
Neil couldn’t get why people don’t wax more poetry about people with brown eyes, because the different colors he could pull from Andrew’s were ones he felt he’d never seen before. Technically Andrew’s eyes were hazel in color, muted green swirling with the other earthy tones in his irises. In some lights, his eyes looked like amber. In others, they could look coppery or bronze, and some days the green came out more. But Neil liked the brown the best: the flecks of dark mahogany, the chestnut, the few lines of gold. The dark chocolate, the dark wood, the color of sand after the ocean waves rolled over it. And, of course, the olive green mixed in between.
He almost opened his mouth to tell Andrew just how beautiful his eyes actually were. Neil wanted to describe every color he could find, to see if maybe Andrew knew what he was seeing, and finally have a name for them. He wanted to talk about how they looked right now compared to other times, to whisper how he could waste hours staring at them and how he wanted to.
But he didn’t. Neil’s lips parted to say something, but Andrew beat him to it.
“Staring,” he simply pointed out.
“I know,” Neil replied. “Want me to…?”
He was offering to look away, even if it would be a chore to drag his eyes away from Andrew’s. But he received a ‘no’ to his question and happily continued looking his fill, head comfortable where it was on a pillow. Andrew blinked at him a few times, then closed his eyes as though he was going to take a nap, cutting off Neil’s view, who forced himself to only feel slightly annoyed by it.
“Sleep?” he asked.
“Hmm,” Andrew hummed. It wasn’t an answer, so Neil decided to just lay there, and tried to pick out a different part of Andrew’s face to stare at instead.
+1
It was early Sunday morning, and they were completely alone in the dorm room.
Kevin was taking the day to hang out with Wymack, which left the place almost deathly quiet. Not that it hadn’t been since Nicky had left for Germany, but now there wasn’t even the sounds of the TV playing or Kevin’s heavy steps that he always took. Neil had been awake for a while, listening to when Andrew had left the bed to go to the kitchenette and get some food, but he’d been so comfortable that he hadn’t wanted to move.
But he was incredibly grateful that he had gotten out of bed when he saw what was waiting for him outside of the bedroom.
Andrew was clearly still half asleep, since his eyes were slightly drooping and he’d poured himself some cereal, lightly munching on it while standing at the counter. His hair was a bit of a mess, blonde waves sticking up in all different directions and slightly pressed on one side. He was wearing the long sleeved sleep shirt he’d thrown on last night but hadn’t pulled on any pants, which gave Neil the great view of his muscular thighs peeking out from underneath his black boxer-briefs.
In short, Andrew looked great. Neil wishes he could’ve lost control of his mouth at a more magical moment, or sometime meaningful, but he couldn’t stop himself after looking his fill for a few seconds. “You’re pretty,” he blurted.
For a second, Andrew didn’t react. His head turned Neil’s way when he spoke, and he frowned for just a second, but then his half-lidded eyes suddenly opened wide. Neil was almost surprised at such a strong reaction, but he didn’t think it was a bad one. Andrew didn’t blush or glance away, but there was something in his eyes that seemed a bit off. Neil took a few steps closer to figure out what it was.
Andrew let him approach, staring the entire way. By the time they were standing face-to-face, Andrew had composed himself, clearly putting more effort than usual to appear disinterested. But he hadn’t told Neil he was stupid, or staring, or to shut up, so Neil decided to quickly say it again before the opportunity was taken away again. “You’re pretty,” he said quietly, as though he was sharing a secret. It almost felt like he was, because Andrew didn’t hide his reaction again, as subtle as it was.
His eyes went wide again, just a little bit, and Neil was close enough that he could hear Andrew’s breath hitch. Once again, he didn’t blush, but the tips of his ears turned pink and his lips parted, making him look even more pretty. Neil leaned in and aimed a kiss near Andrew's left eye, pressing his lips to Andrew’s hairline firmly. Andrew let him, aiming a frown at Neil when he stepped back, but it wasn’t very effective since his bottom lip pouted out just slightly.
Neil decided to be merciful and didn’t say it again, even though he wanted to. He wanted to tell Andrew every day if he got to see this side of him, but Neil needed to make sure that it was okay to do this. That it was something Andrew wanted, because Neil was pretty sure nobody had told Andrew just how beautiful he really was.
“Yes or no?” Neil asked, sure that Andrew would understand.
He didn’t get an answer right away, but Andrew appeared to need a moment, so he waited patiently. Andrew finally looked away, not ducking his head but merely glancing to the side. It only took a few seconds, of which Neil spent staring at Andrew’s pink ears, but finally he was given the answer he needed. “Yes,” Andrew said, a bit quiet but clearly heard, looking back at Neil as though to prove there was no hesitancy in his eyes.
Neil didn’t doubt him. Andrew never did anything he didn’t want to do, and he knew Neil would respect a ‘no’ if heard. As it was, Neil was happy to hear he could continue telling Andrew how beautiful he looked, and leaned in to kiss the same spot on Andrew’s hairline, a bit softer than before. Andrew let out a strange noise, like a weird mix between a grumble and a growl, and turned back to his cereal, shoving a spoonful in his mouth.
He still looked nice. Neil turned away to find something for himself that morning, deciding to give more compliments later. He wasn’t sure how long it would be until Andrew told him to shut up after hearing one of Neil’s random thoughts about his appearance, but it would definitely be soon if he heard that he was pretty three times in a row.
They had a lot of time. Neil would have many more opportunities to blurt out what he was thinking, and now that he had the go-ahead to do it, he would.
I realise a lot of girl’s Gay Awakenings was kiera knightly or kristen stewart which is cool phenomena tbh but I’m rlly interested in other Gay Awakenings like for example mine was morena baccarin in firefly and also gemma artenton in st trinians. CALLING ALL GAYS (boys and nb babes included)!! reblog with ur non kiera/k-stew Gay Awakening!!!
a little girl who rode my kindergarten bus came to school one day wearing a frilly lacy dress and she looked so pretty that i started kicking the seat in front of me in excitement, until the kid there turned around and yelled at me to stop….
#marvel established the characters good and then it was all downhill from there#this is….mostly about ragnarok infinity war and endgame#i feel so bad for thor’s characterisation too y'all#loki’s was dulled down and obliterated#but thor’s went the opposite direction#meanwhile steve and bucky and peggy were done so dirty in endgame like??? peggy TOLD steve to LIVE HIS LIFE????#steve spent every movie chasing after his bro and then when finally having gotten him back he DITCHED#disservices to characters everywhere#at least the other characters don’t get made fun of and have their powers unexplored after years like loki#but marvel isn’t even good at dealing with trauma and are wacky with it#does grief make things okay or NOT marvel bc you’re sending mixed signals here#tfatws started good#wandavision had about 2 episodes which were great#luckily canon is fake right#full shade to marvel but loki’s eyebrows in thor 1 had more depth than whatever they’re doing with him now (tags via @worstloki )
I feel like a lot of problems would have been solved if someone had explained to the higher ups at Marvel that there is a difference between “antagonist” and “villain” and characters can be both but they don’t have to be. Loki is an antagonist. But he’s not a villain. They seem to have forgotten that or never fully understood it or grasped the distinction…
i have a lot i could say on this topic but i feel like it’s not gonna go over well. basically, i don’t think that the characterization loki has has in any of the movies was bad, or all bad.
he got done dirty in thor 1 when they cut the scene where he was legitimately asked to take over the throne, because the audience found him TOO sympathetic –but overall you have a compelling portrait of an emotionally neglected person in severe distress making bad decisions. he still struggles to present an outward calmness and control as a form or defense, and this is a recurring theme for him.
in avengers, i think they left in enough for you to be able to tell he’s doing what he did because he was tortured and under threat of violence and basically backed into a corner, but seems like it was too subtle for some to see that. to me, it was a pretty clear throughline from the emotional trauma of the revelation of thor 1 to being tortured to a continuing nervous breakdown. they don’t seem to teach good coping skills on asgard and he’s still falling back on keeping those walls up.
the dark world… i feel like the characterization being good was pretty much down to tom and his expressiveness because the lines all felt a little flat to me, but he really sold them. we got to see his frustration, his grief, his desire to have some kind of revenge, some real affection for his brother, and some manic, light-hearted, weird moments as well (aka babbling at thor and then impersonating captain america). overall he’s still not letting his real feelings out around other people except in small glimpses. his emotional life is very interior, and even the weird babbling feels like a cover for feelings he doesn’t want to let slip out.
now, ragnarok is the big bugaboo for a lot of people. they don’t like the overall glib tone of it. it’s one of those scenarios where everyone has the idiot ball at least part of the time. i thought it was fun, funny, and totally in line with how the marvel movies try different genres and tones on. i have definitely seen thor comics that were as goofy or goofier!
and i do still think loki’s characterization in it is good, and has depth. loki’s been disguised and in charge of asgard for some time and has finally had some mental breathing room to feel in control and come to some terms with what he’s gone through. then thor figures it out and the chaos start again almost immediately. loki lands on his feet in sakaar and starts trying to put together some kind of plan. he woos the one in power and gains access to his fleet. thor shows up again and sows more chaos with his arrival, putting loki in a position of having to decide how to integrate that, whether to follow his plan or help his brother. and you see the push and pull of someone whose primary emotional defense has been keeping himself separate and walled off, starting to let those defenses down a little bit. he seems to waver back and forth with whether he wants to give people a chance and let them in, or keep shoving them away. at the end, he chooses to let his guard down and he reconciles with his brother, and it’s really nice to see.
infinity war… he’s really grasped and felt the value of everything he pushed away for so long. he knows his place in his brother’s heart and in his society. he makes a heroic sacrifice because he has internalized his own worth. it was hard to watch, but i don’t think there was any depth lacking, there.
now the loki show… we get post-avengers loki, still in the throes of the nervous breakdown, and torture and etc… and in an hour or two he is completely separated from everything he has known with no chance of return. his relationships to his parents, his brother, asgard, earth, thanos, the infinity stones… all his plans, all his plots, all his wishes and desires… he’s set adrift. he gets a chance to see how his life would have gone if he’d lived according to TVA prescripts, the good AND the bad, and he has a chance to understand and have some perspective on some of the things he thought mattered (but don’t) and the
ones he thought didn’t matter (but did).
he’s been in a emotional blender this whole time, and now he has a chance to not be disappeared as well – and it’s dependent on him creating some value in this TVA mission, whether he believes in it or not. all the while, he’s keeping his own ideas and schemes close to hand and looking for opportunities. and he’s free, for the first time in his life, of every single person and place and life plan that made keeping those walls up so essential. it’s almost like a kid going away to college in another state and feeling for the first time, now *i* get to decide who i am. and now we get to see who loki is when he doesn’t feel the enormous pressure of everyone’s expectations. and even still, as he seems to be genuinely opening up to people a little, like mobius and sylvie, he is also always fishing for information he needs to plan ahead. it’s that genuine emotion with the scheme underneath that’s the sign of a really talented liar, in my opinion :D and i also still get the feeling that he plays up the goofiness at times around them, to decrease their impression of his threat level. i see a scheme, and in it i see… loki, well characterized.
for me, it’s all incredibly consistent and resonant and excites me to see what’s coming next. and that was a long ramble but that’s just some of what runs through my head when these kinds of questions come up :)
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